204 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
______ ______ ______________
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\ / \ / ____ \ ______|
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| |________| | / \ | |____
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| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
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/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
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| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
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| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
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| | Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "The Infomercial Superhighway" | |
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| | "Have You Called Your Psychic friend today?" | |
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| | By: Chal e. mac | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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Is it just me or have you noticed that TV is a fuckin' cesspool of waste
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lately? I mean, I'll admit that I don't keep normal hours...just so we have
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that straight from the start. So my TV habits are not what's considered
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normal either. Most of my TV hours are spent after prime time. I don't make
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it a point to stay home during the week to make sure I catch the new
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installment of "Really Good-Looking Kids Who Are Incredibly Rich" or
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whatever the new prime-time soap from Aaron Spelling is. Speaking of Aaron
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Spelling, is this guy single-handedly responsible for the decline of western
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civilization or what? From _Charlie's Angels_ to _Dynasty_ to _BH90120_ to
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_Models, Inc._ I mean, stop the guy already before he creates another
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incredibly insipid TV show! He probably lays awake at night unable to sleep
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because he didn't think of Baywatch first!
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(Quick aside here. As I'm typing this I'm listening to that there
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Nirvana Nevermind CD and I'm telling you that "Breed" is fuckin'
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amazing if you turn that notcher up to the full '10' and let your
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ears bleed. Free music review there folks. Another public service
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from Chal e. Mac. My hearing is perfect.)
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But back to what's really pissing me off :) Lately as I chase through the
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channels in the wee hours I'm increasingly being assaulted by these 30
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minute infomercial that do little more than insult my intelligence and
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raise my blood pressure. Every other channel has this insidious breed of
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program on after say 1AM. I mean, is this the ultimate incestuous act
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between stations and advertisers? Isn't it enough that your average 30
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minute TV show has about 10 minutes of commercials? Do they have to let these
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people monopolize a whole block of TV time? Christ, I'd rather have a test
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pattern on my set than this shit. At least I could correct my color balance
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or something.
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It's not just one show either. They've proliferated, bred like so many
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tribbles (Star Trek reference, obligatory when discussing TV and way too
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keEeEewl too). Right now as I surf the channels I'm assaulted by a really
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loud, obnoxious, pony-tailed guy named Tony Little who has got to be
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snorting some really industrial strength coke the way he's screaming and
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running all around the studio, all the while hawking some weird kind of
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device called the Ab Isolator. The whole premise behind the Ab Isolator is
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that it will help you do new and improved sit ups. Nevermind for a minute
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that there's nothing wrong with old, time tested version of the sit up. As
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far as I know they're still effective and don't need any "improving". But
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Tony has developed this little plastic thing that straps onto your feet and
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wraps around your knees and supposedly helps you do better sit ups. Tony also
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tells you that you don't need to do sit ups ALL THE WAY, so that your elbows
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touch your knees, no, all you have to do is raise your back off the floor
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like 2 inches and you're receiving the maximum benefit of this exercise. My
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question to Tony: If I only have to raise my back a few inches off the ground
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why the hell do I need this piece of shit around my feet? And a message to
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all the overweight fucks out there thinking of buying one of Tony's
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overpriced, poorly-constructed, imported from overseas devices: It's not that
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you can't do situps properly, PUT DOWN THE FUCKIN' DONUTS! Ohhhhh.... That
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was bad.
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I change the channel but now I'm confronted by some extremely ugly
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looking, 70ish year old woman, wearing clothes made for girls in their 20s,
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wearing way too much make up, extolling me that all my questions will be
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answered if I just join her psychic circle. She has celebrities on her show
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to tell how their lives all changed (for the better of course) after they
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joined her psychic circle, implying I guess that if you join her psychic
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circle you'll get all the day time soap opera guest shots that you can
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handle. Incredibly, this creature that looks like she's right out of a B
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grade horror movie is none other than Jackie Stallone, Sylvester's mom.
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Here's one question that maybe Jackie's psychic circle can help me with: Why
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doesn't your incredibly mega-rich son just up your monthly allowance a few
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thousand dollars so that you won't have to embarrass yourself on TV by
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looking like an incredibly ugly, incredibly old, incredibly cheap whore,
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promising more than she could ever possibly deliver?
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The next offering is from something called the Psychic Friends Network.
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You've probably seen their "program" more than once as they're one of the
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oldest psychic hotlines. They have the multi-talented Dionne Warwick as
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their celebrity spokesperson. Which means either that A) Dionne is so
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stupid that she really believes that psychics can get impressions from you
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over the telephone or B) that her career is in such shambles that she's
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willing to hawk anything for money. My guess is B. They say that they have
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YOUR psychic friend just waiting for you to call so that he/she can answer
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all those important questions that are presumably keeping you from falling
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asleep, which explains why you are still watching the boob tube at this
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ungodly hour. Their new "program" informs you that they now only have
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"Master" psychics waiting eagerly by the phone for your call. I have no idea
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what a "Master" psychic is, or what makes them different from just a plain
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old regular psychic, but my guess is they (the psychics, that is) have
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probably unionized, like plumbers. So that now there are probably apprentice
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psychics out there somewhere, honing their psychic skills, hoping that they
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have what it takes to someday become "Master" psychics.I would also guess
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that "Master" psychics charge more too. I mean, what's the use of taking the
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time to become certified as a "Master" psychic if you can't charge more? I
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would also believe that the Psychic Friends network is geared toward the
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lonely people out there among us who have valid credit cards and don't get
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into phone sex, or who have no access to IRC :) I have one question for
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Dionne and my "Master" psychic friend: If you're a "Master" psychic, and
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you're my friend, why don't you just call me with the answer to my
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question? Which, by the way, is: What terminal emulation will allow me to get
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more than garbage on my screen when I establish a connection to the Phila.
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Parking Authority computers? Because that's what's keeping me awake at this
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ungodly hour :)
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I grab the remote and change the channel quickly, before the urge to call
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the PFN completely takes over. The next channel has a man who's toupee is
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sooo bad it needs a chinstrap. I mean, this rug is absolutely horrible. This
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guy's name is Marshall Sylver (yeah right that's his real name) and his act
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seems to consist primarily of sophomoric magic tricks. He "hypnotizes" his
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volunteers and tells you that you can duplicate the thoughts of those people
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who are successful in what you want to do. He demonstrates this by
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hypnotizing a volunteer and waving a lighter under her hand without her
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pulling her hand away. Haven't we all done this at one time or another during
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our puberty days? The lighter is waved so quickly under her hand that there's
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no way she's even feeling that flame. His next volunteer learns the always
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handy art of fire-eating. I can't tell you haw many times I've gotten out of
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a jam by utilizing my fire-eating talents. His whole "program" works under
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the hypothesis that you can self-hypnotize and be able to give yourself
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suggestions while in this state that will help you overcome certain habits
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in your life, like smoking. He comes off like some kind of K-mart version of
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David Copperfield performing these bargain basement magic tricks while
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wearing a pair of Wayfairer sunglasses and having his white shirt unbuttoned
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to his navel. Of course, he leaves out the wind machines, we wouldn't that
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dead animal on his head to blow off, would we?
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Laughing hysterically at the thought that some idiot out there is actually
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going to spend american money for a program from anybody who goes on TV with
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a toupee that bad I pick up the remote and change the channel. This time
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I'm confronted with an extremely effeminate cowboy hairdresser named Jose
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Eber. Jose wears a cowboy hat and is wearing such an obvious wig that he
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never takes his hat off. Jose is pushing his latest creation, something
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called Secret Hair. Secret Hair is nothing more than hair extensions glued
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to combs. Jose seems to think that this is some kind of revolutionary new
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concept in hair design. He prances around the stage effecting his lisp and
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saying "oh yes!" and "it's Secret Hair" over and over to his assistant, a
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never-been soap opera actress named Tracy Bregman Reicht. Tracy has managed
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to pour herself into a skirt that is so tight that it looks as if she's
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threatening to explode at the seems. Which, now that I think of it,
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would definitely be more entertaining than this infomercial. My question:
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Jose sprung for a half hour of TV time , couldn't he have bought a wardrobe
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for his assistant that was at least her size?
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I grab the remote and give it one last try. I find Dick Cavett sitting in
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a chair talking earnestly to me. I think, great, Dick Cavett, this has got
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to be some intellectual kind of interview show, maybe he'll have an
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interesting guest. Then what dick is saying sinks in. He's plugging a
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"system" by someone named Harry Lorraine, who by the way, Dick says is world
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famous. This system is called Memory Power and is promised to give you
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"better than a photographic memory". Well, how the hell can you have better
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than a photographic memory? Anyway, they show you clips of Harry on every
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talk show there ever was doing his name remembering tricks, and show you the
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stack of books that Harry wrote, which must not have sold anything because if
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they did I'm sure that they would have stressed that point too. Harry won't
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give you any insight into his Memory Power program, or how it works, or why
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it's "better than a photographic memory", UNLESS you call the operator and
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give them your plastic digits and, of course, agree to buy the program.
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Doesn't that strike anybody but me as being strange. they want you to buy
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this "system" but they won't tell you anything about it, except that it
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"gives you a better than a photographic memory". Dick must be falling behind
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in his mortgage payments, either that or his alimony is killing him.
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I just can't wait for them to increase the bandwidth so that more of these
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socially redeeming "programs" can be beamed into my house at all hours of
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night. Who knows, maybe they'll even have their own channel. Sorta like a
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bargain basement version of the Home Shopping Channel. "The Infomercial
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Channel" they can call it. Then all these shows can be segregated to a few
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channels, sorta like they do for Public Access programming now. Then they
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wouldn't be spread out all over the dial, waiting like so many snakes in the
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the grass, ready to pounce upon unsuspecting late night viewers like myself,
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and assault us with their false and possibly fraudulent claims, all the time
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flashing their 900 numbers and reminding us to have our plastic ready when we
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call.
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In closing I'd like to quote Dire Straits, never a favorite of mine, but
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appropriate nonetheless: "Fifty-seven channels and there's nothing on."
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"Why Have Therapy when you can write for HOE for Free!?"
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|=-=-=-=|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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| Mogel-Land........2157323413 /I'm a PiG\ Isis Unveiled......5129305259 |
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| Hacker Crackdown..2159451907 |H )\@_@/( P| Undercity..........2096833673 |
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| T.E.K.A.T.........9088132738 |o ( (o) ) i| phunkyphatphreashphunkphunk!! |
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| I Forget..........6105448001 |G <_O_> G| the NEXT generation |
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| /<RaD-/<-/< House.8103480421 |s BuUuRP! s| of stoopid... |
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| Symphony'o'Sick...2017283881 \I'm a PiG/ |
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|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|=-=-=-=|=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=|
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Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications and Chal e. Mac #43 --> 01/15/94
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All rights Reserved.
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