451 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
451 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
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______ ______ ______________
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\ / \ / ____ \ ______|
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| |________| | / \ | |____
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| ________ | ( {} ) | _____)
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/~~~~~~~~~~~ | | | | \____/ | |______ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~\
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| |~~~~~~~ / \ / \ / | ~~~~~~~~~| |
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| | |______| |______| /_____________| | |
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| | Hogs of Entropy Text Files Present... | |
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| | "The True Clash of the Titans" | |
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| | By: Psycho Santa | |
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\ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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We've all seen the excellent movie "Clash of the Titans". No one ever
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told you about the OTHER clashes of titans...Now chronicled here.
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THOR.................The Norse God of Thunder
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vs.
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BARNEY...............The Dinosaur Bringer of Sharing
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ROUND ONE
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It begins...
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Thor had had enough. The song of the evil dinosaur Barney had driven
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him mad. Thor now knew that the purple atrocity must perish. Thor,
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bastion of courage, however, could not bear himself to face the horror
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face to face, so he, with tears in his eyes from accepting an act of
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cowardice, threw his mighty hammer Mjolnr, striking Barney directly in
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his purple spine.
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Barney reeled from the mighty shock, but was not badly hurt. Somehow,
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his legions of child worshippers gave him unearthly (even unAsgardly)
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powers of strength and invulnerability. He turned about and gave a mighty
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shriek.
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"That wasn't very nice at all, Thor. Maybe we should sing about
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sharing!", wailed the purple monstrosity. Barney lifted his voice in the
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monotonous chant of his followers:
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"I love you,
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You love me.
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We're a happy family!
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With a great big hug,
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And a kiss from me to you,
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Won't you say you love me too?"
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Then something happened that had never occured before in all of
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history: The mighty Thor fell to his knees in pain.
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That would've been the end of it, were it not for two voices:
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Baby Bop whined in her sing-song voice: "Get him Barney, he doesn't want
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to share his worshippers, so he must be PUNNNNNISHED!!"
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And then another voice: The voice of Odin the All-Wise, Thor's
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Immortal father, "Demons, begone! Torture not the Immortals of Asgard! Get
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thee gone!"
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With that, Thor had renewed strentgh. He sprung to his feet, and
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swung Mjolnr mightily, smashing it into Baby Bop's horrid face. A sickening
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crack is heard, and the Green Terror swung backwards. Another swing, and
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Baby Bop felt Mjolnr hit her tremendous gut, and her lunch spilling. Both
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the sordid cookies she fed to the minions, but also the bones of the
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children she devoured offstage. The secret was out.
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Baby Bop curled over in agony. Thor swung again, striking her face
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with inredible force. She, being too heavy to fly, fell backwards with a
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whine, and she whimpered as Mjolnr crashed again and again into her limp
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body. As he raised the mighty hammer for a coup de grace, Barney played
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another part in the titanic struggle. Thor had forgotten the second verse.
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"I love you,
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You love me.
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We're best friends as friends can be.
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With a great big HUG and a kiss from me to you,
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Won't you say you love me too?"
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Thor didn't fall again. He also didn't escape the Evil Purple One's
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wrath unscathed. Blood vessels in his eyes ruptured, making his eyes
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bloodshot and fearsome, many of his teeth exploded in puffs of flame and
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massive thundercracks, and his ears began to ring and ache. Thor mustered
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the will power to speak without shrieking in terror and agony. He spoke only
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these simple words: "Never, you demonic purple cur! Die the coward that you
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are!"
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Thor's charge was impossible to ignore, and Barney didn't even try.
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He swung backwards, groaning as Mjolnr shattered his purple reptilian snout.
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The hammer handle then struck the demon's knees. Barney fell to his belly,
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the gut his only support. Mjolnr crashed against the beast's head, and
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Barney fell.
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Thor moved with great pride as he reached over and tore the tail off
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of his fallen opponent. He held it up, shouting words of victory, all of them
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he could think of. He swung the tail around once, spraying bright neon pink
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blood over all of the scenery. "I stand victorius over the purple demon, and
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hold his tail as a trophy! Never again will he scourge the airwaves!"
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Baby Bop was not dead as was believed, but she simply could not fight
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any more. She feebly crawled off, plotting insidious revenge with each plop
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her obese and tattered body made upon impact with the ground.
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Thor just may live to regret his triumph.
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Epilogue:
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Baby Bop stood before her cauldron of evil magicks, chanting.
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She hadn't anticipated defeat, and the number of youth sacrifices required
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to restore Barney and build their strength was enormous. Millions of innocent
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(yes, innocent, even if they did worship Barney) preschoolers perished in the
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bubbling fluids, their last words numbering only three each: "I love you."
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Hours and hours of time passed, and millions of children perished,
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and then the spirit of the purple Sauron rose from his defaced and defiled
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body. His tail, still in Thor's possesion, wasn't recovered. Many scars upon
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many more stood out on his shattered face. His wounds alone were the only
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ones more impressive than his consort's. His teeth were broken and torn, his
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eyes bleeding and sagging in their sockets. His left arm hung loosely in its
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assigned place, threateningly pulling at the socket. His right arm didn't
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even attempt to appear useful. It merely sat and swung there, flapping in the
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breeze. He limped, switching legs occasionally. And his head wouldn't rest
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properly on his neck, instead lolling back and forth. Barney was no longer
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the cute, friendly (in appearance, he was always the Great Purple Satan of
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Backstage Molestation) thing he was. He was a haggard and bloodstained beast
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of the darkness, with only his friend and lover Baby Bop for help.
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Baby Bop was no spring pig either. Her flattened head now takes on
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general appearance of an anvil, but one with many dents and scratches. One
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eye is missing, the other hanging from its bloodied socket. Her tail thumps
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weakly on the ground, its twists and kinks hurting with a sharp, knifing
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pain.
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With one look into each other's remnants of eyes, the two swore
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revenge. A bitter and eternal revenge, only ending when Thor's lifeless
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corpse lay dead in Baby Bop's cauldron.
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GODZILLA DESTROYER OF TOKYO vs. BARNEY THE PURPLE ATROCITY
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Barney arose from the deep, dank cave and began to search for a
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victim. In order for a proper rematch against the thunder god, he must leave
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a calling card. Any mighty beast or immortal slain in battle was required by
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tradition. Barney headed directly for Monster Island, the most likely place
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to find an opponent.
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Godzilla was content. After destroying Tokyo and saving the world
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from some of the most despicable of the evil monsters, he thought he could
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rest on his hard-earned laurels. He was wrong.
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Barney stood at the entrance to the cave. He spotted the other mighty
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dinosaur, seeing an opportunity. He called out in challenge, shrieking the
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mighty beasts's name in indignation.
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Godzilla, although tolerant of most from mere mellowness, at first
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ignored the challenge, not wanting to shed blood in his mighty abode.
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Unfortunately for his plans of avoidance, the challenge repeated, this time
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more belligerent and demanding. This was too much for the ancient and
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majestic dinosaur, who then stood and accepted the challenge. He stomped the
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ground in threat, and walked towards his next meal.
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Barney now saw that he had challenged Godzilla, King Of Monsters. The
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title was a magnificent one, holding a great deal of respect if held well, or
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fear if abused. Barney was one who would abuse it to its fullest. He could
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taste the many sacrifices that would lay ahead if he won.
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Godzilla made the first attack, not pulling a punch. His massive
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tail crashed against the younger beast's ugly head, and a scaly elbow also
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came into contact with the purple mass of scar tissue. Barney, weak from his
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situation, followed with a punch, but the feeble attack was caught by his
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opponent, and several powerful knees crashed into the green gut, and then, as
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if Barney weighed nothing, Godzilla threw him a fair distance, and the purple
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one cracked the mountain with impact.
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Barney, realizing that his throat had been severely damaged in his
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earlier encounter, knew that his voice weapon would be powerless, so he
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hoisted a tree, and thrusted the trunk into Godzilla's gullet, and then spun
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around to bring the root end against the dignified lizard's head.
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The tree swung upwards, knocking several large and razor sharp teeth
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into the air. The tree's trunk swung then downwards, cracking the mighty
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monster's skull. Another swing knocked Godzilla over, bleeding and broken.
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Godzilla knew he had lost his first fight. He simply couldn't fight
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anymore. He wouldn't however, let his opponent away uninjured. He opened his
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mouth, and discharged a massive blast of his thermo-nuclear breath, and the
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Great Purple Satan was ignited. Godzilla passed into darkness with a sense of
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satisfaction. Barney saw no darkness, only flames...
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THOR NORSE GOD OF THUNDER vs. BARNEY KING OF MONSTERS
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ROUND TWO
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Thor spotted the flames from many leagues away, knowing at once,
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from mere instinct (although a god's instincts) that his opponent still
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stood. Thor set out at once for Monster Island.
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In an instant, the two eternal antagonists spotted each other. Both
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recognized the other, and the two charged into battle. Barney, cloaked in
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flame, and scarred beyond repair, now looked fierce and respectable. Thor,
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in full battle gear, and carrying Mjolnr, the mightiest weapon in existence,
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looked fearsome and majestic. The collision brought attention from every
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corner of the Earth, and many Immortals from Mount Olympus and Asgard were
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awakened. And Psilocibius, the Shroom God, was awakened from the depths of a
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trip induced by shrooms numbering in the thousands. This happened to make
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him angery, as this was an impressive number of shrooms, even for a god. All
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Immortals and Semi-Mortals came to see the epic struggle.
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Barney swung a massive flame-wreathed arm at Thor, who took the blow,
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and also began to burn. The two battle worn and flaming combatants were more
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impressive than many of the Immortal Wars combined. Mjolnr whistled as it
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flew into Barney's flaming face, now made soft and malleable from the fires,
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started by a thermo-nuclear reaction, and fueled by the flesh of an Immortal.
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His head molded to fit the hammer, which enraged him into a fury. Many a blur
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of purple struck the armor and skin of Thor, bruising and battering the
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mighty god of thunder.
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Mjolnr struck again, this time on the top of Barney's melting head,
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summoning a mighty thunderbolt, increasing the intensity of the flames. Only
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then did Godzilla awaken from the injury-induced darkness.
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THOR NORSE GOD OF THUNDER and GODZILLA THE DEFEATED
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vs.
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BARNEY OF THE PURPLE BURNING FLAMES
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Godzilla rose shakily to his feet, using his broken tail for balance.
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He opened his mouth, and the once feeble thermo-nuclear breath now withered
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the trees from its mere vicinity. However, Barney was struck directly.
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Barney, feeling the incredibly hot breath of an opponent thought
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dead, turned to face his new attacker, which proved to be a mistake. In fact,
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a fatal mistake. Mjolnr struck with all of the remaining strentgh of an
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infintely strong god. Barney's head exploded from the blow, spraying his
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black (It changed colors in his reincarnation, that WASN'T a continuity
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error) blood in all directions, as his body melted from the full force of
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Godzilla's breath.
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Risking nothing, Thor and Godzilla both immediately began fiercely
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attacking the corpse, making sure that it can no longer rise. The obese blob
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of a body is melting under the heat of a thousand suns, and is being forged
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into nothingness by the mightiest weapon in existence. No chances.
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Epilogue
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"YOU INSIGNICANT PATHETIC FOOLS!!!!" Baby Bop appeared in a flash of
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crimson light, furious. "YOU CANNOT DESTROY US!" She then grabbed Barney's
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unrecognizable body, and disappeared in another flash of the same crimson
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light.
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It took every last worshipper to raise Barney again, and many other
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children from other faiths were sacrificed, although they didn't hold as much
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power. Barney of the Purple Burning Flame was no more. Barney, Evil Incarnate
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rose from his predecessor's blob of molten flesh. His head is no more than a
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flaming, cackling skull, and the creamy-white teeth are now obsidian fangs of
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unholy sharpness and strength. His eyes are two flaming orbs, the only
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remnants of the dead eyes that children would look away from in awe and
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respect. His legs and tail no longer existed, replaced only with evil vapours
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and flame. His arms ended in 6-inch long razor sharp claws, venomed with the
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hatred of an evil spirit twice risen from Inferno by evil magicks. His voice
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no longer held the sweet poison that entranced millions. It is now a
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scratched, echoing apparition of pain. The playful antics were replaced by
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furious screams. No child would ever worship him again. He held sway only
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over demons and dark souls long corrupted. Barney, Evil Incarnate uttered a
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laugh, no longer the sickenly delightful giggle of before, but an insane and
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twisted cackle that perverted the soul with its merest whisper.
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THEATRE OF PURPLE AND CRIMSON: THE EVIL AWAKES
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Mjolnr shattered the boulder barring entrance to the lair of Baby
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Bop. Thor, with a host of other Immortals, entered with fury in their hearts
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and the extermination of evil in mind. Thor stood at front, followed
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immediately by Ares and Tyr, who stood shoulder to shoulder. Behind them
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stood Ra, the Egyptian god of light and the sun, Godzilla, defeated King of
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the Monsters and Poseidon, Greek god of the sea. The rear was held by
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Psilocibius, the Shroom god.
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Barney, taken by surprise, never had a chance to attack. Ra opened up
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a beam of holy light of extreme intensity. Barney shrieked as his evil spirit
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felt the light of the sun sear his very soul. Ares' spear tore open Baby
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Bop's chest, and she shrieked in terrible agony, uttering a thousand curse's
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in one breath.
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Barney, in agony and sensing his defeat, grabbed Baby Bop, and pulled
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her into the evil cauldron, while she uttered a brief incantation. In the
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fury of battle, Thor lept in immediately, helmet first. Tyr followed quickly,
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as well as Ares, who wouldn't leave this battle unfinished. Godzilla had to
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squeeze and shove himself in, while Poseidon grabbed Psilocibius, who was
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standing there confused (he still wasn't firmly back in this world).
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OUTWORLD: THE CHASE
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Most of the gods groaned in pain passing through the planar portal,
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feeling their Immortal bodies and souls being pulled through a strainer.
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Psilocibius not only looked unhurt, he seemed to have enjoyed the trip.
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"How in the name of Hades did you go through without the slightest
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pain, Fungus-thing?" Ares snapped angrily, his mood fouled by the pain of
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the dimensional shift.
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"Simple, you over-warred imbecile! I am used to reality shifts,
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although I prefer smaller ones. The dimensional travel seems to also pulled
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me firmly into a single plane as well. Learn to enjoy things, guys!" the god
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of shrooms responded smugly.
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"Enjoy it? Never since the Fenris Wolf bit off my hand has something
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hurt that much! I think Godzilla over there barely survived!" Tyr replied,
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stretching his aching muscles.
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Everyone turned to look at Godzilla. While everyone was complaining
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about how much they were hurting, they forgot that Godzilla wasn't an
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Immortal like the rest. He floated limply, groaning. Sometimes, he would
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wheeze instead of groaning. He was bleeding at the mouth.
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Godzilla awoke, aware only of his pain at first. A loud, thundering
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roar issued from his pained jaw, and Poseidon, who was about to attend to
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the lizard found himself momentarily deafened. Seconds later, the rest of
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his conciousness returned, and he snarled. The chase must continue.
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Seemingly hours of time passed as they tracked and pursued their
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hated enemies, stopping only to track the smoke left behind by Barney.
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Without the ground to leave footprints, tracking in the Outworld is
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difficult, especially when tracking someone who is trying very hard to avoid
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being found.
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Barney, still clutching tightly at Baby Bop's hand, was flying at a
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tremendous speed. He was still aching from Ra's burst of light, and another
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encounter wouldn't please him in the slightest. The bizarre scenery of the
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Outworld passed in a blur. He knew he was being hunted, and he was very
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determined to be difficult prey. Or at least find a spot for an ambush, but
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it would have to be under extremely favorable conditions, because he also
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knew what kind of opposition he was facing. He then spotted his site, just
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short of being too tired to be able to fly at that speed much longer. Now he
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could rest and wait.
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Ra was acting as a flashlight for the troop, illuminating the dim
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Outworld. Suddenly, without the slightest of warning, the smoke trail ended,
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and the Immortals and monster had lost their prey.
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What they didn't know, was that they went from hunter to hunted in
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one brief instant. Barney sprung out, tearing a large gash across Ra's face.
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Baby Bop fired a powerful magic spell, striking Ares powerfully. Barney,
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seizing another opening, ripped Ares' spear arm, but in doing took a mean
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blow from the spear. Poseidon managed to hit Baby Bop with a tidal wave
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before being struck by a ball of flame from her hateful mouth, created by a
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spell of evil.
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Baby Bop, who was now confident in her abilities with magic, began to
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open up a devesating spell, one which could potentially kill the entire
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group, even though they are Immortal. A ball of negative energy began to form
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between her hands, which were held above her head.
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Psilocibius, who is considered by most Immortals to be only a
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demi-god, and by all as not very tuned in to this reality, was expected to
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be nothing but a burden to the party of Immortals. However, were it not for
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an inredibly skilled action, the Immortals would be permanently trapped in a
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negative universe.
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The shroom god moved with startling speed, lunging towards Baby Bop,
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and spraying what appeared to be a fine powder from his hands. The powder was
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in fact millions upon millions of spores, which Baby Bop inhaled. She began
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coughing and wheezing, and then shaking. She then began screaming in utter
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terror, causing her to badly mispronounce her spell. The ball of negative
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energy fell on her, and she was consumed by the negative energy, never to see
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this universe again.
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With the banishment of Baby Bop, Barney lost most of his power. He
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attempted to make up for it in fury, but the entire fight became futile
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after the loss of Baby Bop. Mjolnr struck again and again, and a ball of the
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purest light opened up around Barney. The unholy screams were more than
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simple agony, they were the dying screams of a soul so evil that it cannot
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even be accepted by Hades, for fear of usurping power. Poseidon, hearing the
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horrible scream, struck with a tidal wave. Ares thrust his spear many times
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into the writhing demon, and Godzilla was breathing his thermo-nuclear
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breath into the spirit of a dying wraith. Psilocibius summoned the
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Fungipygmies, who stabbed again and again with their cruel daggers and
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spears.
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And then Barney no longer lived. His soul, pierced and withered and
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hammered, imploded, and then, absorbing all of the energy directed into it,
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exploded in a wave of terrible evil force. The Immortals were launched back
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into their own seperate planes, while Godzilla was launched through all of
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the planes, only eventually landing at home. The Fungipygmies were under
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Psilocibius' power, and were banished with him. Never again would Barney
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taint the Earth.
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Aftermath
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Thor, absorbing incredible amounts of damage from the explosion,
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was forced to remain in Asgard for centuries, while Tyr was only mildly
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wounded. Poseidon's body was destroyed, and he is still re-forming himself.
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Ares came off in better shape, although he is still bed-ridden and ill.
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Ra, being as powerful as he is, was only crippled for a decade or so, and is
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still guiding his people. Godzilla, having been part of Barney's death,
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regained his title, although he still sits at home healing. Psilocibius'
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wounds were all psychic injuries resulting from Barney's screams of death.
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He has nearly totally put himself in the Land of Else, although he comes back
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on occasions. The Fungipygmies continure life as normal, although they are
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now heroes among the mortals.
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Baby Bop still wastes away her eternal life in a negative universe,
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waiting for anyone - anything else to appear to break the boredom, or perhaps
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free her.
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Barney's spirit is finally laid rest. May he never return.
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-----------------------,
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GreEEeeeEtzzzz: |_______________________________________
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HD: What? You're actually reading some of HOE's work? WOW! |_
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Mogel: EEeeeeeek! I wrote something! |_
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ASCII Express: When dat new version of CN gonna come out, man? |_
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Deadpool: SHROOOOOooooooOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOoooooMMMiEZZZ! |_
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Reefer Madness: Just cuzza the handle... |_
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Zorro: DAMMIT, I am NOT a 44 year-old homo with a voice changer! |
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Abigwar: Poetic Terrorist Rulziez, man! |
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Adol Silvaron: Someone's gotta drive me INsAnE, might as well be you! <G> |
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Hey! YeR a LaMeR uNlEzZ YoU KaLL The North Pole! |
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SysOp: Psycho Santa |
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(307)778-2096 |
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BONG Distro, HOE Distro, No ^@%# Warez! |
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___________________________________________________________________________|
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SHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIEEEEEZZZZZ!!!
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| Mogel-Land........2157323413 /I'm a PiG\ Paranoia Subnormal.2153395831 |
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| Hacker Crackdown..2159451907 |H )\@_@/( P| Stellar Nights.....6108969140 |
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| T.E.K.A.T.........9088132738 |o ( (o) ) i| phunkyphatphreashphunkphunk!! |
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| I Forget..........6105448001 |G <_O_> G| the NEXT generation |
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| /<RaD-/<-/< House.8103480421 |s BuUuRP! s| of stoopid... |
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| The Complex.......4107205305 \I'm a PiG/ |
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Copyright (c) 1994 HoE Publications and Psycho Santa #31 --> 11/27/94
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All rights Reserved.
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