472 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
472 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e ,
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I n c o r p o r a t e d
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Presents:
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_.---[ The GwD ]----------------------------------------------------._
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/ .----------------------------------------------------------------. \
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| | ______ ____________ ___ ________ | |
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| | / _____|____ ____| / \ | ____ \ | |
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| | ( (___ | | / \ | |____) ) | |
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| | \____ \ | | / ^ \ | __ / | |
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| |________________) ) | | / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ ___________| |
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| __________________/ |__|__/__/ __\__\|__| \______________ |
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| ___________ \ / / \ | ____ \ / _____________ |
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| | \ \ __ / / \ | |____) ) ( (___ | |
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| | \ \ / \ / / ^ \ | __ / \____ \ | |
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| | \ ` /\ ' / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ _______) ) | |
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| | \__/ \__/__/ \__\|__| \____________/ | |
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| | | |
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\ `----------------------------------------------------------------' /
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`------------------------------------------------------[ Special ]---'
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----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue #66 -----
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----- release date: 05-25-99 -----
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\______________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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Not so long ago, right here in our scuzz-bucket of a galaxy, three movies
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changed the world. Now, the STAR WARS saga is continuing, and we're here to
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get our names associated with it in any way we can. That's right, "GwD: The
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American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" is now THE unOFFICIAL STAR WARS E-ZINE.
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With the release of "STAR WARS Episode I: The Phantom Menace" last week, we at
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GwD decided that we might as well latch onto the hype from the film like every
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other company known to man has done. Seriously...there's Official STAR WARS(tm)
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toothpaste, bodywash, backpacks, skateboards, and of course, toys. And yes,
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there is once again STAR WARS Brand Underwear for Kids or something like that.
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Sure, I had the Luke Skywalker/X-Wing Pilot Underoos when I was a kid (who
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didn't?), but I don't remember there being any Princess Leia underwear with the
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first wave of movies...have no fear, though...STAR WARS merchandising is no
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longer sexist...that's right...Queen Amidala underwear is now available, and
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it's affordably priced...will wonders never cease?
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<- CONTENTS ->
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1. Restrictions Placed on Theaters Showing the New STAR WARS film
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2. A True Apocalyptic Clusterfuck
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3. Action Figures
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4. Redneck Jedi/Samuel L. Jackson as a Jedi (sure, you've seen them before)
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5. The STAR WARS Drinking Game
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\_______ _______/
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_______[Restrictions Placed on Theaters Showing the New STAR WARS Film]_______
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/ \
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(author unknown, received in e-mail)
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Moviegoers in "Star Wars" costumes may be mocked by other patrons, but not
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beaten
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Patrons overheard repeating movie dialogue must immediately pay steep
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licensing fees
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In order to achieve George Lucas-level quality, theater staff must individually
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inspect each Jujube
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If Mark Hamill tries to convince a ticket seller that George Lucas said he
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should get in for free, don't believe him. He must pay full price.
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Strict seating policy: "X-Files" nerds on right, "Star Trek" nerds on left.
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Previews shown before "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" may only be for "Star
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Wars: The Phantom Menace"
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Failure to laugh at hilarious hijinks of the alien Jar Jar Binks results in
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immediate ejection
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In place of overpriced movie popcorn, concession stands only permitted to
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sell overpriced, official "Star Wars Tatooine Dust"
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When forwarding daily ticket grosses to studio bookkeepers, theater owners
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should reduce shipping costs by converting revenue to lightweight
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billion-dollar bills
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\_______________________ _______________________/
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_______________________[A True Apocalyptic Clusterfuck]_______________________
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/ \
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(by The Mad Screamer)
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And now a word from our sponsors:
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I saw the new STAR TREK movie last night at mann's chinese theater. I had never
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seen a ST movie with a mob of Trekkies before, so I wanted to see what it was
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like. The line stretched out FOUR BLOCKS to get in---and I was there an hour
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early! All in all, it was an odd experience that was fun, but an experience I
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shall not repeat because not only did I watch the film, but I had to endure the
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constant stream of commentary from the assorted TREK fans occupying every seat
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of the 1000 plus theater.
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It's what I call The Freak Show. Grown men and women dressed in Federation
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uniforms and wearing Spock ears. Homo sapiens who can't speak proper English,
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but are fluent in Klingon. A man in flowing robes claiming to be a Romulan
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Ambassador. A woman sitting on a sidewalk, surrounded by candles, claiming that
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she is channeling the Borg Queen.
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As I watched busloads of white trash's finest pile into the theater---fully 1/3
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of the 1400 person crowd was straight from the trailer park---all the while
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discussing the virtues of the new Enterprise's warp capability versus the old
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Enterprise's warp capability . . . I set my jaw and reminded myself why I watch
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STAR WARS.
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The best part, though, was the near riot that occurred when the new STAR WARS
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trailer came on. The crowd gave it a standing ovation (myself included) and
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then two guys with glowing lightsabers started dueling each other in the
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aisle. At that point things reached a dangerously feverish pitch---a la hitler
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and TRIUMPH OF THE WILL. Nobody cared what the next two trailers were and no
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one was watching.
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I am not joking. It was truly like being at a british soccer match. The crowd
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(myself included) was ready to start tearing the place apart until they could
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see the real thing. The only thing that stopped them was the glowing Paramount
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logo announcing the arrival of their new chapter of the STAR TREK bible.
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I maintain, though, that if the film would have been a regular movie and not a
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TREK, the riot would have occurred because nothing could have stopped the mob's
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insatiable craving for EPISODE ONE.
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Myself included.
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And as I waited and watched, only one phrase kept racing through my "energized"
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mind: a true apocalyptic clusterfuck. A true apocalyptic clusterfuck. A true
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apocalyptic clusterfuck.
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May the Force be with you.
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But in other news, I hear that there are scores of gay men looking to comfort
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Michael J. Fox . . .
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\______________________________ ________________________________/
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______________________________[Action Figures]________________________________
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/ \
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(by Pezzy)
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Ok, Hasbro used to make GI-JOES, back in the wonderful days of poseable action
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figures for 2-4 bucks. They had lots of weapons, and every figure fit into a
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vehicle. It was cool.
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Then, Hasbro fell to the Dark Side. They started making gimmicky GI-JOES with
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less poseability and compatibility with other figures and vehicles. They'd
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talk, shoot projectile plastic, or come with toxic ooze...Snake-Eyes, the best
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GI-JOE ever, was given some stupid push-my-leg-and-i-swing-my-arm "Karate Chop."
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Yet, for some reason, his legs only moved a little and his waist was attached to
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them (previous versions had all the poseability of a human waist...and more--if
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you wanted to stretch them out and ruin them, they'd twist 358 degrees). While
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all this horrible perversion was happening to the toys, Hasbro also was
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influencing the storylines in the comic book to sell more of their shitty toys.
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Where once, we had a good story about Snake-Eyes and Storm-Shadow battling
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everyone to free their friends from a southwest Asian death camp, now we had
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Toxic-Sludge Flint saving a neighborhood from Gangster Joe and his drug-pushing
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stupid-looking toy characters. It all went down the toilet quickly.
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Anyway, I said all that to say this: Kenner made the original Star Wars
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figures, and I doubt any of them costed over 4 bucks. Hasbro is making the new
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Star Wars figures. They cost 6 bucks and they make noises. They're just as
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poseable as the original Kenner ones, so I guess that's ok, but they should also
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cost the same as the original Kenner ones. For the same price, we can get a
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Todd McFarlane Ozzy Osbourne, Spawn, or other cool figure like the ones I have,
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and we can actually move their limbs around!
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Oh well. I am just very freaking opinionated when it comes to action figures.
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Too many kids are sold junk in a pretty package, and it irks me something
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fierce.
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\__________________ __________________/
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__________________[Redneck Jedi/Samuel L. Jackson as a Jedi]__________________
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/ \
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(authors unknown, received in e-mail on many occasions)
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-= Redneck Jedi =-
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You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
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You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
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Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
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You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
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At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
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You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
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You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
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The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
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Wookies are offended by your B.O.
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You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to
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wait for a commercial.
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You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
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Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the Dark Side...
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it'll be a hoot."
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You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
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get the barbecue grill to light.
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You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
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You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
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You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the
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window.
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Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty
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good handle on how to treat his women.
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You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
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You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
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You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
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If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
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-= Samuel L. Jackson (a.k.a. the coolest man alive) =-
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The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson, "Jedi Master, Mace Windu,"
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say in the Star Wars Prequel.
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10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the
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motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
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9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it
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did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
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8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to
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kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.
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7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't
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got no other connections on Tattooine.
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6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
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5. Now don't be all down on the DARK side of the force, you know what I'm sayin?
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4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
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3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie.
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2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
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1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker."
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[If you've seen "The Phantom Menace," then you know that Mr. Jackson doesn't
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come through for us...but worry not...Episodes II & III are still to come, and
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Mace Windu is likely to be in one or both of them.]
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\________________________ _________________________/
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________________________[The STAR WARS Drinking Game]_________________________
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/ \
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(shamelessly stolen from "The Bad Guide to STAR WARS," compiled by Brandon
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Gillespie from posts on rec.arts.sf.starwars)
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To play the Star Wars Drinking game, you will need:
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<-> The Star Wars Trilogy on tape (one movie for a short game)
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<-> An ample supply of your favorite beverage (milk, right?)
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<-> A really good sound system, so the explosions seem to happen all
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around you. Kapow! (optional)
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Begin by inserting your weatherbeaten "Star Wars" videotape into the big
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slot on your VCR. Dim the lights for dramatic effect, and play the tape. The
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game begins right as "20th Century Fox" appears on the screen.
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Once the game has begun, you watch the movie for the listed events.
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Everytime one of them occurs, everybody takes a drink.
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Drink when:
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<-> Someone has a bad feeling about this.
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<-> It's their only hope.
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<-> An entire planet is described as having one climate.
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<-> Somebody gets choked.
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<-> A woman other than Leia is on screen
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<-> An old Jedi starts to ramble about the Force. (Vader counts.)
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<-> Somebody's hand gets cut off.
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<-> A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast.
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<-> There is a tremor in the Force.
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<-> It's not someone's fault.
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<-> One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing.
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<-> A Jedi is much more powerful than he looks.
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<-> Someone exclaims "No!"
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<-> Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be
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a good idea.
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<=> Twice if it's not Han.
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<-> Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if
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they change at the end.
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<-> Someone is mind-controlled using the Force.
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<-> People kiss.
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<-> A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black.
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<=> Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guy wears black (for
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uniforms, only the first person on screen counts).
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<=> Three times if someone hovering in between wears gray.
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<-> Every time you find yourself talking to the people on screen.
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<-> An elaborately made up alien has no lines.
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<-> Someone or something tries to get money from Han.
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<-> Some ship crashes into something after being hit.
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<-> Someone has a light saber duel (includes just using light saber).
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<-> An Ewok dies, and the camera lingers longer than it did when the
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Death Star exploded, killing billions of people. (Fourteen
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seconds. Count'em.)
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<-> It is Luke's destiny.
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<-> Luke whines.
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<-> Luke discovers a long-lost relative.
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<-> Luke fights monsters or savages.
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<-> Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip.
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<-> Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm.
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<-> Luke is upside-down.
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<-> Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time.
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<=> Twice if they speak to each other.
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<-> Luke's parentage is Foreshadowed.
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<-> Luke refuses to take someone's advice.
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<-> Luke yells "Artooooo!"
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<-> Leia insults somebody.
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<-> Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and
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hands.
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<=> Twice if it covers her neck.
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<=> Three times if she's almost totally nude.
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<-> Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance.
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<-> Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective. ("...Only Imperial Stormtroopers
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are so precise.")
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<-> Han brags about the Millenium Falcon.
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<-> Anybody insults the Millenium Falcon.
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<-> Something doesn't work on the Falcon.
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<=> Twice if it's the hyperdrive.
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<-> Yoda uses bad grammar.
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<-> Yoda talks like a fortune cookie.
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<-> R2-D2 gets thrashed.
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<-> R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around.
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<-> C-3PO loses a body part. (Take two drinks if he is completely
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dismembered.)
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<-> C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's
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familiar with.
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<-> A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white.
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<=> Twice if they're non human (co-pilots count).
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<-> A Rebel Pilot says "Nice Shot..."
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<-> A Rebel Pilot says "I've been hit..."
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<-> Tarkin brags about the Death Star.
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<-> The Emperor cackles evilly.
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<-> The Emperor has foreseen something.
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<-> Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn't recognize them.
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<=> Twice if he tries to kill them.
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<-> Boba Fett talks.
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<-> Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming.
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<-> Stormtrooper armor proves useless.
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<-> Any Imperial Ship is destroyed.
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<-> A TIE fighter explodes for no reason.
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The game ends when a bunch of Ewoks start dancing. No matter what you've
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been drinking, you will remember this image. The last person to give up
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drinking on each cue is the winner. Of course, ties are possible.
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If at some point you find that no one can successfully operate the VCR
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anymore, the game may as well be abandoned.
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And especially for those non drinkers, there is the:
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THE STAR WARS DRINKING GAME FOR MORMONS
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The rules are basically the same as the other game but the drinking cues
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are different. Drink when:
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<-> Stormtroopers display intelligence, courage, or training in battle.
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<-> Multiple Ewoks are killed.
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<-> Fantastic technology is explained.
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<-> Somebody listens to C-3PO.
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<-> Somebody cares about the environment.
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<-> The Emperor acts like a charming politician. [This was obviously written
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before "Episode I" was released.]
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\________________________________ _________________________________/
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________________________________[Bonus Stuff]_________________________________
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/ \
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-= Cool Darth Vader Ascii We Stole From Somewhere We Don't Remember =-
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___
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_--~~| |~~--_
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/ | | \
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/__----_ | |_----__ \
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|/_-~~~-_\| |/_-~~~-_\|
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// # \===/ # \\
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// |===| \\
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/ |________|/~\|________| \
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/ \ |___| / \
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/ ^\ /| | |\ /^ \
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/ ^\ /| | | | |\ /^ \
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/ ^\/| | | | | | |\/^ \
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< O|_|_|_|_|_|_|O >
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~\ \ ------- / /~
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~\ ~\ \_____/ /~ /~
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~\ ^-_____-^ /~
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_________> <_________
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/~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~\
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-= Cool Shit =-
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Check out this URL:
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http://www.fortunecity.com/tatooine/lucas/339/page1.html
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It's an ASCII animation of the beginning of "Episode IV: A New Hope." Check
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it out or face the wrath of Jar Jar Binks,vile creature that he is. To put it
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simply (in the words of Mohawk Dave) "This rocks."
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-= GwD Reviews of "The Phantom Menace" =-
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"Fish-boy's gotta go." - Havoc
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"It's pretty cool, but it doesn't compare to 'The Empire Strikes Back.'" - LL
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"It's trash. Lots of eye candy, atrocious writing, no real story." - Bob tMotW
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"It made me hard for 3 days." - Some Guy Lobo Licious overheard at work
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\______________________________________________________________________________/
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/ \
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-----------------------------<GwD Command Centers>------------------------------
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GwDweb: http://www.GREENY.org/
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GwD Publications: http://gwd.mit.edu/
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ftp://ftp.GREENY.org/gwd/
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GwD BBSes: C.H.A.O.S. - http://chaos.GREENY.org/
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Snake's Den - http://www.snakeden.org/
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E-Mail: gwd@GREENY.org
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* GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 *
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Get on top of it!" - Han / "I'm trying!" - Leia
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"There's something alive in here!" - Luke
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-+- F Y M -+-
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GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s
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(NOTE: STAR WARS and related terms are registered trademarks of Lucasfilm Ltd.
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STAR TREK and related terms are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures.
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GI-JOE and related terms are registered trademarks of Hasbro, Inc. [We think...]
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If you don't know what we mean by "related terms," you are a deprived soul who
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should kindly fuck off.
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Oh yeah, and all registered trademarks are used without permission, but since
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this is a free e-zine, it wouldn't really be worthwhile to sue us, would it?
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So there.)
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MORE THAN FIVE YEARS of ABSOLUTE CRAP! /---------------\
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sort of copyright (c) MCMXCIX GwD Publications/original authors:FIGHT THE POWER:
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sort of copyright (c) MCMXCIX GwD, Inc. : GwD :
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All rights reserved except as noted above - ISSN 1523-1585 \---------------/
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GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD66
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