204 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e ,
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I n c o r p o r a t e d
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Presents:
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__ __ 666 444
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_____ ____ _| |__| |_ 666 44 44
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// | \ |_ __ _| 666 44 44
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|| ____ | || | | | | | 6666666666 44444444444
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|| || \ / | || | _| |__| |_ 6666 6666 44
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\\___// \/\/ |____/ |_ __ _| 666 666 44
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|__| |__| 6666 6666 44
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666666666 4444
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"The GwD Guide to Being the Perfect Boyfriend" by Snotty
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----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue #64 -----
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----- release date: 11-26-98 -----
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You're no Harrison Ford. You're not totally rich, and the idea of smelling good
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in this humidity is beyond belief (Houston, the crotch of the world, in the
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words of Yancey [Slide]). Hell, you're not even that funny. But who cares?
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Now there's
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THE GwD GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND (for the first couple of months,
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anyway).
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I've been waiting for a long time, and Mr. Perfect still hasn't come around! I
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figured some of you guys just needed a little help. Any guy (or girl...) can
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now be the perfect boyfriend. It's simply a role to play (most people are
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really the same underneath their idiosyncrasies). You know that no matter how
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bitchy you really are, you can play nice for a little while. Even *I* can be
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reasonable for the first couple of months (stop laughing Lobo!). There are just
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a couple of guidelines to follow.
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Rule #1: Humor her! She'll say stupid stuff like, "Hey, can I paint your
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toenails?" or "Will you sing to me?" Most of the time, if it's totally
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ridiculous, she's just seeing if you'll say yes. I guess it's a game of
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sorts...more like the "I wonder how far I can push him" just for fun sort of
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thing. Maybe it's just me. I'll usually ask my boyfriend if he'll wear my bras
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or something stupid like that. If he said yes, I wouldn't make him! Well,
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actually, yeah, maybe I would, but really, how degrading is that?!? =P I wear
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boxer shorts all the time. But seriously, it's all in good fun, and if you act
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annoyed, it will just upset her, and humoring her for a couple of minutes will
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make her really happy.
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Rule #2 : Hold her. In public, don't be totally all over each other (PDA does
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suck), but holding hands and putting your arms around each other isn't bad at
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all (AHEM - bitter bitter girl). Give her a hug every once in a while. I hate
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it because I am a really clingy person in general. I love to have contact with
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my significant other, but as time passes, I find that I am initiating most of
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the contact. Any girl will love being reached for (just make sure it's
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appropriate timing and whatnot). It's just a nice feeling because it's like
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someone saying "I want to hold you and touch you". It especially means a lot in
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public because not only are you telling the world "Hey, this is my girlfriend
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and I am proud to be with her" but you are also telling the other chicks, "Stay
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away because I am a happily 'taken' man". Most of the time, I feel like I am
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irritating whomever I am dating because I am always making him give me hugs.
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Oh, and the best way to hold a girl is from behind. Wrap your arms around her
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waist. ;)
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Rule #3 : E-mail, short phone messages, and random notes left on her car or
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whatever are really great ideas! Sometimes the short things are the best. I've
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received some one liners (Hi, I am thinking about you) that have meant more than
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five page love letters. It says "hey, I don't have a lot of time, but I am
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taking the time out to write you". Speaking of "thinking about someone", if
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your girlfriend asks you "Do you think about me when you're (at
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work/in class/on the crapper)?" always always always say, "Yes, I think about
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you all the time". She'll know you're lying, you'll know you're lying, and the
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whole world will know you're lying, but who cares?! I once dated a guy who told
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me "You know, I'm really too busy to think about anything else than what I am
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working on". What kind of stupid moron tells their girlfriend that? Aye, some
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guys...
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Rule #4 : Backrubs are the key to a woman's heart. Be sure to practice and
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perfect your technique (I am always willing to receive a backrub!). But I do
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not know of one woman who does not love a backrub.
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Anyway, in general, the everyday contact is very important because if it fizzles
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out too quickly, she'll become bored. If you treat her like she'll always be
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there after one month of dating, she won't be so attached to your stellar
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personality that she won't get rid of you! For instance, I was talking to my
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boss (a crazy-cool woman who was kind of buzzing at the time), and she seemed to
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have infinite wisdom about men. She had been through three husbands, and her
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advice to me was, "Don't treat your men too nicely. They take your kindness as
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a weakness and take advantage of that." To the men, she says, "Always remember
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that we're never so attached that we won't get rid of you. Just because we
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treat you well doesn't mean that we're head over heels in love. We're just
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being nurturing and caring. Don't take that for granted." Smart smart woman.
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But I digress...Anyway, now that you have your girlfriend, you still have to
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work to keep her. If everyday you can do something really really small to tell
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her in your own way that she's special, she'll love you for a long time to come.
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The key to remember is to keep it on a small scale. If you send her a dozen red
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roses everyday, not only will it become mundane within days, she'll think you're
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psycho and get rid of you. Oh I guess I should add:
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Rule #5 : Don't be psycho. It sucks.
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Now that day to day activities have been taken care of, something more difficult
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and confusing must be faced: special occasions.
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Birthdays: This is a tough situation to handle because it really depends on how
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long you have been dating. For instance, I began dating this one guy about a
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month ago, and my birthday recently passed. I thought that maybe he would send
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a card (we were in separate cities), but nothing of the sort happened. I wasn't
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too sad because that would be expecting something, and after dating my previous
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BF, I have learned not to expect things (bitterness again!). Anyway, I was
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hoping for an e-mail or a phone call though, but I received neither! I finally
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called him because I was worried that he was injured or something, but no, he
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was just "busy". Ah well (I've heard that plenty before). Anyway, he never
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wished me a happy birthday on my birthday, but a couple of days afterwards, I
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received 4 roses (kind of a weird number; my general rule is to stick to 1, 3,
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6, 12, or any multiple of 12 thereafter). They were really nice (flowers are
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always a good idea). Then we went out to fondue, and the evening was just
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wonderful. He just found his way out of a bad situation. =P Once again, I
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digress.
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Anyway, in general, buy a nice gift, but it's hard to get something for someone
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you don't even know all that well. Jewelry is usually a safe bet if you're
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willing to spend the money. Take a female friend with good taste though because
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more likely than not, as a male, you have shitty taste in jewelry. Remember,
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simple is good. A word of caution though. Gifts will get harder once you have
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dated for a while. You see, buying a shitty gift later in the relationship is
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grounds for an argument because obviously, you didn't really care enough to look
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for a gift that she wanted, etc etc. So save the more expensive
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"sure-to-get-you-action" gifts for later in the relationship (trust me, it'll be
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worth it then!).
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Well, speaking of gifts, one important rule is that things must be equal.
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Everything in this world is about equality. With my past boyfriend, I spent a
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lot of money on him. I would do a lot of things for him (bake cookies, leave
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flowers, etc), but he never did anything in return. He was too "busy," he said.
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Once again, things that are really special don't even have to take that long. A
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short note or e-mail would have made my day. Anyway, so I never got anything in
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return for everything that I did for him. Toward the end, he didn't even say
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"Thank you" to my gifts anymore. That's a horrible thing to do. Don't ignore
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her or the things she does for you. For instance, I took the time out to leave
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a note for my current boyfriend. It didn't say anything mushy or anything; just
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a simple "Hi! How was your day?" sort of deal. I ran into him at the gym later
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that day while he was working out with one of his friends. When I mentioned the
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note, he sort of rolled his eyes and was like, "Yeah, that's nice". Don't do
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that. Even if you want to be macho in front of your guy friends, it's totally
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bitchy-ass to embarrass your girlfriend like that! Remember, we see everything
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(and also see a lot of things that you don't mean to do). (Oh and now his
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excuse was that he was dazed from working out ;P ).
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Anniversaries are usually handled with each different person. In my first
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couple of relationships, we would always celebrate each month as it passed. My
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current BF and I don't really even have a set date that we started "going out"
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or whatever. It all depends on the combination, I suppose. Special occasions
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are really hard to generalize! Every different special even has to be treated
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in it's own way. To that, all I have to say is good luck to you.
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Relationships are very complicated and silly situations in general. A good rule
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to think about is that communication must remain open. If something bothers
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you, tell her about it. More likely than not, she'll be happy to get the
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positive criticism. We all want to be the perfect girlfriend, and if you don't
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give much guidance, we don't know where to go. Same goes the other way around
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though. Unfortunately, guys can't read our minds, so games are pretty useless
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(we just don't realize it until we become rational again). Another thing that
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guys should keep in mind is that you need to have a good female friend! Usually
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other females can translate the games pretty well...which is another argument
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for lesbianism, but ah well.
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Remember that these ideas are only ramblings of an insane, bitter mind (you guys
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should know that by now)! Each relationship is unique, so be sure to listen to
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your girlfriend. In many cases, these rules will be very wrong, but as far as
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Snotty and her friends are concerned, these rules are pretty solid. Good luck
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with your endeavors!! =P
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-----------------------------<GwD Command Centers>------------------------------
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GwDweb: http://www.GREENY.org/
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http://gwd.snakeden.org/
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GwD Publications: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2334/
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ftp://ftp.GREENY.org/gwd/
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ftp://gwd.snakeden.org/gwd/
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ftp://ftp.dto.net/pub/dto/zines/gwd/
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ftp://ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/Greeny/
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GwD BBSes: C.H.A.O.S. - http://chaos.GREENY.org/
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http://solice.iglobal.net/chaos/
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The Snake's Den - http://www.snakeden.org/
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telnet://bbs.snakeden.org
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dial-in: (806)793-3779
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E-Mail: gwd@GREENY.org
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* GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 *
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"There's always room for disappointment." - Snotty
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-+- F Y M -+-
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GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s
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MORE THAN FIVE YEARS of ABSOLUTE CRAP! /---------------\
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copyright (c) MCMXCVIII Snotty/GwD Publications :FIGHT THE POWER:
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copyright (c) MCMXCVIII GwD, Inc. : GwD :
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All rights reserved \---------------/
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GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD64
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