111 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
111 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
|
|
G G
|
|
w _____ ____ 1 000 777 "Texas" w
|
|
D // | \ 11 0 0 7 by fastjack D
|
|
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 7 *
|
|
G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 7 issue #107 of "GwD: The American Dream G
|
|
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 7 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
|
|
D D
|
|
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
|
|
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
|
|
|
|
I figured it out. I've always been happy to be a Texan. I was thrilled to
|
|
see the @ Texas entry on Zoes. I've often times threatened to beat people to
|
|
the floor for slandering my Texas heritage (the steers and queers joke I came
|
|
upon so often in the army), or at least fuck them and let them decide.....
|
|
Yes brothers and sisters, I have been one of those fuzzy toothed zealots, with
|
|
my mad glinting eyes and my large sharp rock always at the ready to defend the
|
|
great state.
|
|
|
|
Of course, I never really knew why. That is one of the perks of unwavering
|
|
faith: One need not question it unnecessarily. Texas is the best. Source?
|
|
Shut the fuck up or I'll poke your eyes out. That was the extent of my
|
|
thoughts on the matter.
|
|
|
|
Well pardners, I figured it right the hell out this weekend. I went on a
|
|
three day camping trip to Lake Allen Henry here in the panhandle, near Post
|
|
(Go Antelope Whatthefuckever). Texas being the great state that it is, dammed
|
|
a canyon and filled it with water so that we Texans could go there and boat
|
|
and ski and camp. It was there that I learned the true meaning of Texas.
|
|
|
|
Texas wants to kill you. Yes, you. Me too, and everyone you have ever loved.
|
|
Everything out in nature in Texas is equipped with thorns or spines or fangs or
|
|
pointy teeth. The bugs go straight for your tender moist eyes with the
|
|
stingers dripping with venom. A trip to relieve yourself turns into a cactus
|
|
spine endurance trial as the native plant life tries desperately to rip out a
|
|
chunk of your flesh. Oh yeah, cactus produce food via photosynthesis. My
|
|
ass. Tell that to the festering sores on my calves. Cacti will eat you.
|
|
Stroll by a harmless rock and prepare to hear that rattling sound that
|
|
everyone in Texas knows. Yup. Snakes. Lots of them, and they all want you
|
|
to die.
|
|
|
|
Even the cute wildlife is out to get you. Should one enjoy equine activities
|
|
(riding with saddle, not donkey shows), one could ride all across this vast
|
|
land. Right up till your horse breaks a leg in a prairie dog burrow. Hell,
|
|
if you don't break your own leg by just walking around. And, you will note
|
|
that animals or people that are downed by the dawgs tend to fall right next to
|
|
their burrows which are loaded with plague bearing fleas who, yes, want to
|
|
kill you.
|
|
|
|
Even where man tries to claim dominion over This Great and Violent Land Texas
|
|
will try to kill you. Just ask anyone who has navigated 635 in Dallas during
|
|
summer heat.
|
|
|
|
It's really no wonder Texans love weapons. If anyone lived in this state for
|
|
more than a month they would know not to leave the house without a large
|
|
caliber handgun or at the minimum fnords' enormous chinese bladed whacking
|
|
stick to prevent your family from being murdered by rampaging mesquite bushes.
|
|
|
|
And Texas features varied and exciting forms of doom. Plants and animals and
|
|
tornadoes and hurricanes. A state this large can't be limited to one or two
|
|
types of natural disasters. Nope. Nuh-uh. I thought Austin might be out of
|
|
the tornado belt. Hah. The horrible winds will take you. Bet on it.
|
|
|
|
It's the variety that gives us the one up on the other states.
|
|
|
|
Cali: Blackouts that will make you stub your toes, maybe riots.
|
|
Arizona: Ooooh. It's hot. I might die from the heat. That pegs about a 2
|
|
on my Give-A-Shit-o-Meter
|
|
Virginia: Maybe an excess of history. I'm not even sure they have anything
|
|
larger than a squirrel there.
|
|
Maine: Maple trees fall on you after all the syrup has been drained to
|
|
supply Texas' enormous pancake hunger. w00t!
|
|
Nevada: Can't even kill you. The best it can do is take your money and
|
|
cause you to go to your home state and kill yourself. This is the
|
|
lazy Mexican of states.
|
|
|
|
So, to conclude because I am tired and smell bad after fighting against Texas
|
|
for three days:
|
|
|
|
Goddamnit, this state r00lz. Any state that will keep you on your toes this
|
|
much without you even really noticing is bad-ass. It makes you into a
|
|
survivor, guaranteed to be able to beat the living shit out of any of those
|
|
candy ass debutantes from the "Old South" or those Yak farmers from the chilly
|
|
northern regions. Hell, even the food will kill you. Guess who produces more
|
|
beef than anyone? Texas. Huge lumbering hormone injected beasts guaranteed to
|
|
clog your pump.
|
|
|
|
So stand tall, carry at least one edged weapon or large bore pistol and
|
|
whenever one of those snooty pickle gangsters from one of those "tiny" states
|
|
tries to talk shit about Texas ask them "Oh yeah? When was the last time your
|
|
state tried to kill you?" And then kick them in the balls and have marital
|
|
relations with their pasty significant other to spread the iron clad seed of
|
|
Texas.
|
|
|
|
I have to go. Their is a coyote here trying to steal one of my rifles.
|
|
|
|
fj
|
|
System Administrator with too much time on his hands.
|
|
|
|
____________________________
|
|
What the fuck is that and why is it trying to lay eggs in my skull?
|
|
|
|
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
|
|
Issue#107 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
|
|
copyright (c) MMI fastjack/GwD Publications /---------------\
|
|
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.:
|
|
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
|
|
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
|
|
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
|
|
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
|