116 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
116 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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The Best Years of Our Lives
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One of my favorite writers, Henry Rollins, said, "How memories lie to us.
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How time coats the ordinary with gold. How it breaks the heart to go back
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and attempt to relive them. How crushed we are when we discover the gold
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was merely gold plating thinly coated over lead, chalk, and peeling paint."
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I'd like to be able to look back at my high school years and see them as
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"the best years of my life" but I can't because they weren't. And no
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amount of time will change my mind.
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A glance over the Plantation High School "Reflections 88" yearbook has me
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as a senior with the quote (or paraphrase) "Life moves pretty fast, if you
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don't look around once in awhile you might miss it." I got it from the
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ending of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"--one of my favorite movies at the time.
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It has been ten years and some months since I graduated from high school.
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I spent five years attending college and the better part of the other five
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working. Ten years goes by and what have I got to show for it? Well, not
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much beyond some gray hair, a bit of money and a few material possessions.
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This while many others in my class have surly gone on to get married, buy a
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house, have kids and pursue a career--the "American Dream." I often wonder
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what happened to all that I could have become?
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I couldn't imagine attending my high school reunion. I was one of the
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outcasts. Sure I knew a fair number of people but only a couple could be
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considered friends. "So what have you been doing these last ten years
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Danny?" Shit! I wish I could point to a wife, kids, home, and/or a
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hopeful career like most of the class probably could.
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I look at those faces in my yearbook staring back at me and it makes me
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wonder what became of my classmates of '88? Retail, fast food, law,
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medicine, engineering, home maker? I can't imagine. Maybe it is best that
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I don't know the great and not so great things the others have accomplished.
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It's easy to look back and say "I should have done this or I should have
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done that" but at the time it really wasn't possible. You knew what the
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rules were and even living in your own world you still had to return to
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this education world six to eight hours a day five days a week.
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Embarrassment was something to avoid. For me it high school was more like
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prison--out of sight, out of mind. Lay low, stay out of trouble, put in
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your time, and get out alive.
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No "great" memories stand out about my high school years. Or maybe a few
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do but have been suppressed/forgotten. I'm past those days but I haven't
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forgotten about the pain and isolation.
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I played in the marching band for two years--cymbals and bass drum. I
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learned to endure pain during my sentence. Carrying that drum around for
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what seemed like days took its toll on my back. As punishment they made us
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keep standing with the instrument. The band was a huge click in itself. I
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was in the "drum line" but I was also in my own world. It took me two
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years to realize I didn't fit in but band did teach me discipline and to
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endure pain--two very important facets of life.
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My freshman year I only met a couple friends. Sometimes I ate lunch with
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them but many times I ate alone outside on a bench next to the cafeteria.
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Most of my sophomore year I ate lunch alone on my bench. Lunch alone was
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something I dreaded. People walking by, seeing you sitting, eating alone
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wasn't easy to deal with. My junior and senior years I ended up riding my
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bike to school with a couple pals until one of them got a car.
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Unfortunately, instead of riding along with my "pals" in the car I was left
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riding my bike alone. I was back to being one of the few seniors who rode
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their bikes to school. Anyway, I still couldn't take lunch alone outside
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the cafeteria in front of "them" so I use to go home every day for lunch
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during my junior and senior year. In fact, I probably visited the inside
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of the cafeteria a half dozen times during lunch hour in the four I
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attended high school.
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Life was tough. Not having many friends made it that much tougher to deal
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with. If anyone admired, liked or felt they could relate to me during
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these times they sure didn't show it.
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I graduated in the top 5% of the class. I even got to wear a special medal
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during graduation and attend a special academic ceremony dinner. It wasn't
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that I was smart--I barely broke a thousand on the SAT--but rather I worked
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hard. I did my homework.
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So, I ask myself, now some ten years later where has my life gotten me?
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All this studying and education? I would like to say I've achieved great
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things and I've made something of myself. But at this point in time I can
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not. My map on the road of life still remains unclear yet I continue to
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drive hoping the road takes me somewhere worth while.
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Solitude is my hard one ally,
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Pallbearer
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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