200 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
200 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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self pity
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---------
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i am getting annoyed. i am getting sick and tired of all these people
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who are wallowing in their pain. i am sick of tired of all these people
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who wear their depression as a badge of honor. "Ohh look at me, give me
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attention".
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right now as we speak, i am talking to a total stranger i have never
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spoken to on IRC about his upcoming suicide. he smiled when he told me
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about it: "oh by the year's end, i will be dead and i won't care".
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its like a pissing contest. its like, "oh, i have been hurt by this and
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that and then some, i can't deal with life!".
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its so fucking trendy now.
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fuck you.
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fuck you for giving up on everything. fuck you for saying i don't
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understand. fuck you for telling me what i feel is any different. what the
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fuck is so hard about changing your life?
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i see these people as gutless. as failures.
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being cruel am i?
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mayhap so.
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when i was 17 i was so fucking depressed i cried for weeks. the 'man' i
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loved, who i gave my virginity to, fucked me over for a 14 year old whore.
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my friends were flaking out. i hated my parents. i was failing high
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school. i would never get into college. i felt like a freak. i felt like a
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failure.
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so i decided to end it.
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i told no one.
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i didn't write a note.
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i just grabbed all my mothers anti-depressents and took them all.
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i remember sliding down off the bed, in a half delirium wanting to scream,
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and i couldn't. i was so drugged my mouth wouldn't open. i washed in and
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out of consciousness, i struggled to right myself and kept sliding down
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farther.
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one of my girlfriends found me. called the paramedics.
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they fed me greasy hamburger, and i threw up everything. because i was
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underage, they called my mother.
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she came home.
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after everyone left, i had gone outside for a cigarette. i came back to
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find the door locked to our apartment. i knocked. my other open up and
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started yelling at me. "Next time you try to commit suicide, use knives
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instead of my pills".
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yes, my mother said that to her own daugther.
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two or three of my friends were standing behind me when she said this.
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was i that bad of a child?
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no, i wasn't.
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its been so since i have told that story. been so long since i have
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talked about. tears are brimming at the edge now, wanting to spring free.
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i have been doing too much crying these days as of late. sometimes i don't
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know what is wrong with me. i try to cry softly, not let anyone hear. one
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of my roommates heard me the other night. i felt ashamed.
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and over the years, there have been times where i have been in so much
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emotional pain, so much hurt. i remember sitting on the top of the stairs
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in my parents house, rocking back and forth crying. earlier this year,
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danny and i had gotten into a huge fight, and i had called and called, and
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he wouldn't answer his door. i drove blindly down the same streets i have
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driven down 1000's of times, and didn't know where i was. i landed at his
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door, crying so hard, i nearly collapsed on the floor in front of his
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apartment.
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and how many times i want to say FUCK YOU WORLD! FUCK YOU AND ALL YOUR
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SHALLOW, MATERIALISTIC CRAP. FUCK YOU FOR TELLING ME I AM NOT OKAY. FUCK
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YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FAILURE!
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FUCK YOU ALL!
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and i won't say fuck you.
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i won't know the pleasure of a knife's blade cutting my skin or the taste
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of many pills down my constricted throat. i won't know.
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i won't give up
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i won't let anything get me down. i won't let anyone, anymore tell me what
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a fucking failure i am because I won't follow their fucking lifestyle. i
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won't let myself be abused, i won't let myself be mindfucked.
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"i contain multitudes"- Walt Whitman
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I am a person who feels, thinks, dreams, shits, farts, snores, gets horny,
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works, sleeps. I will no longer will i accept what someone's perception of
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me is. I will no longer be allowed to fall into that trap.
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so fuck you for telling me your life is too hard. fuck you for telling me
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i don't know shit. fuck you for telling me that your pain is too great.
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fuck you for giving it up all and fuck you for being weak.
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because i WILL NOT, no matter how great the temptation, no matter how
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great the slide down is, no matter how much it is ending, will i give
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ANYONE the satisfaction, my parents, my friends, anyone! the chance to
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see my final failure.
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each day is a struggle. each day is a heartache. to get out of bed. to get
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dressed. to catch the subway to work. to constantly feel paranoid, to
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constantly feel alone and afraid, and i will not put myself through that
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anymore.
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my strength is my greatest asset. my strength is what makes me 'me'. my
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strength is what makes me understand the world so much better and makes me
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live my life and do the things i have yet to do.
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i will not give up my life.
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not for any man, not for any person, not for my parents. i will
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reconstruct myself till i am happy with me. I am all that matters, my
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opinions, my dreams, my goals. i will not sacrifice them anymore because
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YOU don't like it.
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and when (and oh i shall) succeed, that will be the biggest FUCK YOU the
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world has ever seen.
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so don't come to me with your badge of pain. carrying it around like it was
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your biggest asset. because its nothing but a ploy. you have got the life
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and you have the opportunity, SEIZE THE DAY! Carpe Diem!
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DO IT NOW!
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what the fuck is stopping you? What the fuck is stopping you from putting
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down your foot and going "I CAN CHANGE MY LIFE TO SUITE ME".
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the only thing to fear is fear itself -obligatory cliche.
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I want to get married and never get divorced
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i want to have kids.
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i want a little girl with hair and eyes as dark as mine.
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i want to travel to Europe and frolic around.
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i want to follow the paths of the templars.
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i want to climb the pyramids and look out across the Egyptian desert.
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i want to finish writing my books.
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i want to paint my dreams.
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i want to frolic in the Caribbean
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i want to sail around the world
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i want to own my own business.
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i want to go back to college.
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i want to live in new york/boston/atlanta
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i want to dance when the sun rises up
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i want to love my husband till my dying day
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i want to plant flowers and watch them glow
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i want to greet each new day as wondrous as it is
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i want to look at my husband after 50 years of marriage and love him just
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as much as i did when i married him.
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i want to see my grandkids.
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i want to to be made love everywhere.
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i want to keep dreaming.
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i want to go sailing for weeks on end.
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i want to hike to secluded areas and camp for weeks.
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i want to be read to and read to someone.
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i want to watch my own children get married and have kids of their own.
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i want to network computers together and run simunye.com from home.
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i want to snuggle up against my mate as the fires are burning low.
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i want to fall in love, really fall in love.
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i want to build my own telescope and watch the stars.
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i want to fucking live life and i want to just fucking be!
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so don't tell me I don't understand you selfish fuck. because i
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understand more then you will ever know.
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- Simunye
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.simunye.com/fuck =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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