113 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
113 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Disparity of the Soul
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Did you ever step back to take a look at yourself and at times wonder who the
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hell you were? Who took over your body and controlled your actions? That
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you were not *you* anymore, and that you were not even sure who *you* even
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was?
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I don't know why, but I feel this way now. I am so overwhelmed by
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feeling and emotion, that I am encompassed within a whirlwind of
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thoughts that aren't even my thoughts. I don't feel like *me*
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anymore, that I have lost who I was intermingled with who I want to
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be. I feel like a completely other person altogether (I think my
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psychology teacher from high school called it hopeless, helpless and
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out of control- but that was also referring to the rage reduction in
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unbonded infants; however, it still describes how I feel at the moment).
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It is just of late that I haven't been able to converse with
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Rationale, Reason and even a little bit of Sanity. Instead I walk
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hand-in-hand in the company of Impulse, Immediacy, and Confusion.
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Insecurity has become my Best Friend. I feel like that stupid mime
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in the box, and the box is getting smaller and smaller, closing in,
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suffocating my creativity and crushing my spirit. I am levitating
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above my own clouded thoughts, clawing my way for an ounce of
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grounded stability.
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Aside from not being able to channel my thoughts, I feel that the
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things I believe in and are the most dear to me are the things I
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I am loosing the most. I have a sudden insane obsession for
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wanting to feel loved and needed to a degree that has caused me to
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become terrified of loosing it all- so much that I am fearful of the
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slightest thing that might make it so. I now live in constant fear
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of my appearance, my reactions and behaviors, my ability/inability to
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please, and
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my psychotisism pushing away the only person that I love. Rational
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or not, these thoughts linger in my mind and consume my being. And I
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wonder, where did all these thoughts come from?
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My mind is in a constant battle between Good and Evil; meaning that I
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know what I <should> be thinking, what I <should> be saying, and how
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I <should> be reacting. Knowing that I have these means to ensure a
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victory, I am only saddened more from this elicit struggle that
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assesses, rationalizes and reasons, however, is still defeated by this
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*unknown* entity that has me under its grasp into which confusion controls
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and consumes me.
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It has turned me into a raging bitch, a needy child, and a sniveling
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faucet; this poetic
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despair that has been thrust upon me. As I said, I no longer feel like
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*me*, like I am incorporating emotion from others as well as intensify
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feelings on my own. I especially feel extremely attune to Anxiety being
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the most prevalent and the most stressful for me to embrace. I feel it, I
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know it, and yet, I cannot escape the emotion that I ascertain from feeling
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this way, and it is devouring my very soul.
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I always wonder why I am the way I am, yet in my heart of hearts, I already
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know the answer. Why am I difficult, why do I have jealous inclinations
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when nothing is directing me except my own thought. It all stems from my
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emotion; as quickly as it is my best asset, it becomes my worst enemy as
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well. As good/bad is it is/may seem, I cannot be born into one emotion
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without embracing another. If I was not moody, I would be without love and
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generosity; if I was not temperamental, I would not be kind; if I was not
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opinionated, I would not be honest and sincere, and if I did not have
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jealousy, I would not be able to give of myself entirely and completely.
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What it comes down to is that one part cannot be defined as who I "truly
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am" per se, but rather defined as a part of my whole, my entire complexity
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of existence. Call it hereditary, call it personality, I don't know. A
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human being cannot be described or defined as any certain way, or by any
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specific aspect. A person becomes a person because of their ability to
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change their mind, to treat each situation as specific and special as it
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is, and to change as to not repeat past mistakes and history. In essence,
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my attributes are my assets just as easily as they are my faults. Without
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its co-existence, I would not be me. I could not be me. It's sometimes
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much harder to prove to yourself what you are than to prove to the world
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what you're not.
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Knowing this, it only escalates the hopelessness that I feel and the
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intensification of the degree in which I am experiencing this. I know the
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complexity, I understand the emotion-filled person that I am; I just wish
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the animalistic nature of emotion would diminish to the caged creatures
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that I was once used to.
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Creation could not be labeled as such without the existence of tribulation,
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I just wish the tribulation would quickly come to an end soon. I long to
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feel complete and whole again.
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Simply,
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Spyder
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.interlog.com/~lisa/f.u.c.k. =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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