109 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
109 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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The Beating of My Heart
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Have you ever felt like running for no reason? Just running for miles and
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miles to the edge of the earth. Have you actually ever done it? The
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feeling of wanting to escape from something can be relieving in itself.
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The sensation that the further you run the more your problems are going to
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fade away. Whether you are running from an abusive family or friend, from
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a torn up childhood, from drugs, or even from yourself. Sooner or later
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you are in the middle of nowhere. No problems, no people, nothing to worry
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about. Then you realize that you have stopped and cherished the moment for
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too long, because all the pain you were running from catches up to you. I
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do this all the time, and each time I do it for the same reason. I have a
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mental disorder known as love. A day never goes by where I don't worship
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it, and not a day goes by that the pain from it makes me want to kill
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myself. As I run I imagine myself like Tom Cruise in Far and Away after he
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drops off Shannon who had just been shot. I imagine myself running through
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the rain in the dark as fast as I can. Everything builds up to this final
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explosion of relief. I would run miles through hell for that one second of
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relief. That one second where all the pain you have vanishes like a Sunday
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afternoon.
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My problem isn't with love itself, it is how I love. My problem is that I
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can fall in love with someone pretty easy. I just have too much kindness
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in my heart to give away. However after about a week the person I am in
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love with usually turns into a really good friend and I suppress any
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emotions or love towards them. Usually the love I feel will turn into a
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good friendship and I will never think about it again. This is how the
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world works and this isn't my problem. My problem is that there are times
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where that love never goes away. Even though deep in my heart I still
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love them, I know that they can never feel that way about me, so I
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suppress it and go on with my life. This is where the pain starts.
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Suppressing love is a very hard thing to do, and I am not very good at it.
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I can keep the emotion hidden from the person who it is directed towards,
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but I can never keep it hidden myself. In most people love can fade until
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it is just a memory, true love never dies. My love stays strong forever,
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never fading. It keeps brewing up inside me until I explode. The
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explosions are the only thing I live for anymore. When no one else is
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around, I blast music and run my head into a wall. When I was younger I
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would put holes in my bedroom door, I would mosh against the furniture in
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my living room, I will do anything to physically hurt myself. I do this
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because it takes pain away from my heart. Well, emotional that is
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what it does for me, realistically I make the rest of my body hurt so bad
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that I don't concentrate on the pain in my heart. It becomes dull in
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comparison with the rest of me. This might seem silly, or even stupid to
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you, but you have to realize that my heart aches that bad. It aches to the
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point where I want to tear off my chest and throw away my heart.
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The only comfort I get anymore comes from sleep. Sleep to me is like
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marijuana to the painfully disabled. It is the one relief I look forward
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to. Lately though I have been waking up in the middle of night. Restless
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and unable to sleep. I just lay there thinking about how a life would be
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with the women I love. I have great conversations with them, life time
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experiences with them, everything I can imagine, all in my head. I have
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lived and died many times all inside my mind.
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Beyond all of this, there is one pain that tops everything I have
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mentioned, jealousy. Jealousy and I have become best friends, I know him,
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and I hate him. Shakespeare had it right when he said "Jealousy is the
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green eyed monster which does mock the meat it feeds on." When I am in the
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presence of someone I love, and they mention other people they think are
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cute, that they like or are in love with it kills me. At that moment every
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portion of my body because of giant dark hole. My mind begins thinking
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evil thoughts against the person. I just want to take that person up into
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the mountains and bury them forever in a hole. Never again would she
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consider that person as a viable subject for the future as they are now
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dead. I actually feel like killing every person she talks about, every
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person on this planet, so that there is no one else but me. I know this is
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insane, and I would never do it. I feel angry towards other people, but I
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could never extract that angry into vengeance. I don't want someone to love
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me by process of elimination. I want them to love me because they want to.
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I know I am not the only person who has this problem. There are probably
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millions of us out there. I am just writing this file so that I can
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analyze my current state and try to figure out how to fix me. I know how
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to fix me, but it requires something that no one will give me. The only
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thing that keeps me going, the only thing that keeps me sane, the only
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thing that keeps my alive is my hope that some day soon I can find a woman
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who will love me as much as I love her. Someone I can spend the rest of my
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life with. The way I see it, why bother living if you are only going to
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spend it dying. Might as well shoot yourself now and get it over with.
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Tortured Soul
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.interlog.com/~lisa/f.u.c.k. =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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