494 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
494 lines
28 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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DeBucks Sod Farm and Gift Ship
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------------------------------
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Today, June 4th, would have been my grandfathers 85th birthday. He passed
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away on December 23, 1996 and not counting the F.U.C.K files that I have
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written, I have not written a peep since his funeral.
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This one is for my grandfather, John Preiss, whom I love and miss dearly.
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-----------
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When thinking about all the poetry, prose, essays, and short stories that I
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have written, mainly in the last few years, I realized that I have never
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mentioned my family. Not one instance of my relationships with any of my
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relatives, save my younger brother. I do believe I mentioned my family's
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long history of mental illness in a piece I wrote, but other then that, not
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one peep about anything. As far as anyone is concerned, I was hatched by
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aliens, which would work for me.
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I am writing this piece about my grandfather because of how much I love him
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and regret not doing the things I wanted to do with him before he passed
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on. Sometimes I hate human nature. How we are always rushing around, gotta
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do this, and we have to do that. And we miss out on smelling the roses,
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doing the little things like seeing the world around us, and seeing people
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we haven't seen in years....
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Living only 2 hours from my grandfather in these last few years, I always
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promised on going to see him. If anyone out of my fucked up family, he
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would be the one I would want to see. And something always came up: a new
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job, a new boyfriend, a trip somewhere more exciting then going back home
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to Port Huron, a pissant little town above Detroit.
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If you can't tell by now, I have absolutely hated where I grew up. For a
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town of 30,000 people, it was like living in a town of 300 people. Everyone
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knew each other, their families had all grown up together, all partied
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together, got in trouble together and fucked together. Even now its the
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same way. My cousin Kevin is a good example of that. He has become sort of
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a 'infamous' figure in the area (at the tender age of 18) for dealing
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drugs. He knew the younger brothers and sisters of the people I grew up
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with, who were the kids of the people our parents grew up with. Rumors flew
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hot and heavy in the area when I stepped into town, even though I hadn't
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lived there for 10 years.
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No one has changed, its still white trash, eeking out a life working at
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taco bell or super-k. The big excitement came when they opened up a mall in
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the area that had a Mervyns as one of the corner stores. Everyone smokes
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pot, drinks heavily and pops valium like its going out of style. This is
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my family. I come from these people?
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Growing up, people always said that I was "just like Jack (my
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grandfather)". It was considered an insult to have this said to you. I took
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it as a compliment. Out of my whole family, my grandfather was the only
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"real" person there. Sure he had a fucked up life, was an alcoholic, did
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crazy things (like burn 12 cords of wood in the fireplace in ONE
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weekend). But he was real, he was alive, he did what he wanted, not giving
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a shit about what others thought of him.
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I remember being a little tot, family meetings being held in our main
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living room. All 7 of my grandfathers children (with appropriate spouses)
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would convey occassionaly to figure out "what to do with him". You see, my
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grandmother had died in November of 1972, when I was five months old. My
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grandmothers death prompted my mother to leave my father, and move us to
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Port Huron. After my grandmothers death, my grandfather had a nervous
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breakdown, which ended up with him in a mental hospital for a few years.
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After that episode (I had recently found out that he had been in one in the
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late 50's to early 60's after he had caused a death in a drunk driving
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incident), he had gone "crazy".
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My grandfather was the epitome of the typical immigrant in those days.
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Illiterate, obnoxious, bigoted, loud mouth, heavy drinker. His own
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children shunned him. Those damn "meetings" were about getting him out of
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trouble at various senior living places, lawsuits for shoddy work he had
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done, his temper, and every other fallacy known to man. He was a
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"disgrace", he was "dangerous", and he was "crazy".
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Now despite my fucked up, materialistic family way of seeing things, my
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grandfather had great charm. He loved all his grandkids. He never forgot
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any of our birthdays, christmas's or special events. His "obnoxious" charm
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grew on people, and he was forever having people over to our house. He was
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protective of his own children, even though they seemed to disrespect him.
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I remember when one of my mothers boyfriends took to stalking her in the
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early 70's. My grandfather was like a mother lion with her cub, he threw
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the guy off our property and told him that if he came back, he would beat
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the shit out of him. That was the last we ever saw of the ex-boyfriend.
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There are so many memories I have of growing up with my grandfather. He
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lived with us for the better part of younger years, and was essentially the
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father I never had. Sure my sperm doner lived in Toronto, a mere 3 hour car
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ride from us, but I never saw him but for the every odd year in the months
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that end in "y".
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Regardless, the images of what I grew up with what a man should be and
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obviously, from the looks of it, it wasn't good. But regardless, I loved my
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grandfather, as he was more real then the shallow children (including my
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own mother) he produced.
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On December 23, 1996, I got a call from my Aunt Jackie that my grandfather
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had passed away in his sleep. He was 84 years old. The last time I had seen
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him (that November), he had shriveled away to almost nothing. He was
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listless, not eating, and weighed only 140+ pounds on his once 6'4 frame.
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He was STILL trying to get out of the nursing home they had him in. He was
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loudmouth, he had spirit and he was full of life. Nothing could ever get him
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down.
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I left Christmas day for the funeral. There was hardly any snow on the the
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drive in, though the closer I got to Port Huron, the more nostalgic I got
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about growing up there. I passed by familiar exits: Flint, Imly City,
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Capac, Goodles. Got pulled over by an anal retentive cop for speeding. No
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ticket. Merry Christmas to me.
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My aunts all looked like stuffed turkeys: fat and shiny. I felt awkward
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being with them. I have never gotten along with my family, there has always
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been some tension between me and a majority of my family, but yet I was the
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favorite of all the grandkids. Never figured that one out.
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A lot of family I hadn't seen in five years, ten years were there. "You
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look just like your mother!". Fuck. Just what I needed. Some of the older
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relatives actually "thought" I WAS my mother. Shocking, considering I can't
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stand my egg donor.
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The funeral wasn't what I would have done, if I was in charge. My
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grandfather looked fake, and plastic with his stitched up mouth and eyes.
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The fake smile, the filling in of teeth when he had been toothless for a
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better part of my life. My aunts and uncles, being the idiots they were,
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joked about putting a tiny kroger shopping cart in the casket, symbolizing
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how he used to walk around with his junk in a shopping cart around the
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city. He lost his drivers license after the drunk driving accident, and
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that shopping cart became the mainstay in his life.
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I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. Family members, old family friends asked me
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about my brother, the state basketball star or my mother, the superwoman.
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To them, I was just a waste. The trouble maker. The worthless person who
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had everything going, and fucked it all up. I was the female version of my
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grandfather.
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My cousins Kevin, Shelly and I went out to Shelly's car and got high. I
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heard family gossip about how Shelly's dad was going over to Kevin's house,
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getting high. All the siblings getting together recalling their life with
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their dad, drinking cheap beer and getting high off the pot my cousin sold.
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The stories I wasn't privelidged to hear till then. My mother was miss goody
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two shoes, the back bone of the family, taking care of her 6 younger
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brothers and sisters while growing up, and I was her 'disappointment".
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And the hypocritical thing, was that all the awful things they said about
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me, were not true. Well, majority of them were true. My cousin shelly
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related news about ME, regardless of the fact that I had not seen her in
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over five years. And here was my "family" busily discussing about my coke
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habit (funny, i never touched coke) while my uncle used to deal coke
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heavily. A few of my aunts were dealing pot as well, but yet I was the big
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druggie. Other stories filtered in about acid use, orgies, all the good
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stuff. The funny thing, that is about their LIFE, and they said it was mine.
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At the actual funeral, the man who spoke about my grandfather was a baptist
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minister. My grandfather was raised catholic, though he hadn't been to
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church in years, and more or less was an atheist. Regardless, my
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grandfathers general comment to the minister when he would come visit him
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would be "So what do you 'really' do for a living?". har har.
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The whole service was short and cheap. The "minister" said about 15 words
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about my grandfather and spent the rest of his "speech" trying to win
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converts to his church. I eyed everyone with disgust. They all weeped and
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hung on to the preachers words. My grandfathers casket was closed and
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flowers were laid over it. In the funeral possession to the graveyard, I
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was squashed in the backseat of my aunts car. Three of the aunts were all
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arguing about my grandfathers watch, which was supposed to be taken off his
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wrist before the casket was closed. Their voices started escalating higher
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and higher, till finally i pitched my cigarette out the window, and in a
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calm but stern voice told them to shut the fuck up. They fell silent.
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We left the graveyard and drove to a small church for "brunch" or however
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they were disguising the buffet they were serving. I didn't talk to anyone,
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I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to sit on the hard folding
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chair, pushing my potato salad around. Suddenly what I wanted was to be
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home, drinking. Heavily.
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A blizzard had hit the area hard that weekend. The aunt I was staying with
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begged me to stay over a few days extra because of the weather. My flight
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instinct was calling me strong. I drove to her place clear across town,
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picked up my stuff and drove home that night.
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The minute I got back into my hometown, i stopped at the liquor store and
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bought a fifth of vodka. I didn't care what brand. Drove to my parents
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house and got ahold of my brother. One of his best friends deals drugs, so
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I bought a quarter bag of pot. Drove home, ignored my roommate/fuck toy/love
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of my life. Got out of my clothes and into something more comfortable, and
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started drinking.
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I didn't stop till I finished that whole bottle.
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I continued in that manner until the bottle was gone. My roommate/fuck
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toy/love of my life drove and bought another fifth. Together we finished
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that one, and purchased one more which is still sitting in the freezer
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today. In between all the drinking, rolling joints and smoking them while
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sitting on irc blasting people left and right.
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And I have never talked about my grandfathers death.
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What he meant to me.
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How I felt.
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I just drank that whole weekend, getting high. And the unusual part is that
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I had not gotten high since november, and the last time before that was
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nearly two years before. Drinking, hell, when I turned 21, I drank like a
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fish, and one night it hit me I was following the patterns for the rest of
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my oddball family, so I more or less stopped drinking except for when I
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went to clubs. And I never bought alcohol *ever*. So I "knew" something
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inside of me, snapping like a spiders web, was having me behave in this
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manner.
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After this binge, I never brought up anything since then nor have I drank
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but for a few occasional time.
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I don't live in Michigan anymore, but in the sunny state of california. I
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called various relatives to let them know I had moved. Short, terse
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conversations with me relaying my new contact information. They didn't ask
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how I was, they didn't ask what I was doing. Did nothing but bitch moan or
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complain about their lives, their worthlessness. I shivered and I hung up.
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Received a letter from my egg donor today. She forwarded all my mail not
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making it through. I haven't read her letter. Don't know if I want to.
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I miss my grandfather, proud to be like him, proud to be alive and wanting
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do things differently. Even if it means no acceptance from my family. Fuck
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'em and feed 'em fishheads. No rice, no beans.
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And what I will always remember, is driving along I-69, passing the green
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fields, and the big sign that said "DeBucks Sod Farm" painted on a the side
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of a hay bale. To me, the endless green of new hay growing, the contrast of
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the earth, the blue sky melting in the back, is the perfect metaphor for my
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grandfathers life.
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I love you grandpa, hope you are okay wherever you are.
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-simunye
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June 4, 1997
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section 1 of uuencode 5.25 of file fuck0344.gif by R.E.M.
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begin 644 fuck0344.gif
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M,&R0@]>E0RZ)&I^>-&/N*S=C929#)HZC!2VBR./NX(_&L_4-+U&(F:&ZE0D_
|
|
M<,A/Y5$HIEPF4;/7[FW<QW:B4#@CH1^-='9W,-XL,L1."22/3@]:Y)KE.BQD
|
|
M>*;A?.2UC)^3YWQZ]OZUAX_WOSIQT1I'8VM10);V\:G/R;S^/-9Q'S'`IQU5
|
|
MS6>C+$:R-MV)D@@DXS]:Z_X?W0MM<6)LC[0A4#'5AR/TS42V,V=K?P-I<_VS
|
|
M;YL9D!.3R-QYQGZG\S]0NH:_';616=R'>,,0%_B/\)[$`EL[NN?4&L9[7.RC
|
|
M)21DB2&]7+'+-W/.:?80MI<@WV\=W:;]QC>-6*Y*Y()![*!BN&,N5V9V-76A
|
|
MMV5MIHB^U6%K;>:T1WE(E#`[&.#@KSE/05F>()?E>%)2XB=LH"V=K!2,`DY`
|
|
M]B.E=29FE9F?J1>>S#IN\X(%!8=">I)P.P%8/BRU/EQ1WK_9[&U0'`.7F8]`
|
|
M!^?7TJ(.\TQ5;<MN@S3XI+RQ1[W;$2,A5!^4>X]>@_.J]QIDZ./*&]&Y7'WL
|
|
M5[\7;<^8FM=`MK*1F1BK;<X'&,UH'0"TA)N/E48.%QS3;LR4M#4LM/BMT`1>
|
|
M`.IY)]ZMK"K\$8/?MM'^-9MC2L2K;@@)&`I;N!T%.6PCWJ%`P.OJ3QWJ&[#%
|
|
MDT]&X"@$9Z5EZAI6$92`5/?MGW]/K0F4M#R_6;*2QU*:&0-PQ*D]QZT6M_=P
|
|
M0>3#.T<8.<+P?SK&2N=L=1@(EE+3RN6(SNZDT_RX?^>LG_?`_P`:C5&J-O5G
|
|
MMIKZ0Q7UCL'`Q=1XQ^=01Q0@_P#'[8#/4F[C_P`:48M12*E4@WN6[6&!&;.H
|
|
MZ:%(QS>Q>O\`O5JZ`+"WUJSN+G5]+2&)]S'[='QQQW]:EQ9#G'HSO=9UWPY>
|
|
M:>\47B'2"^5(4W:#)!!]?:L:VN-$^V.]QKVD31#<8UDU",CYASD$GI_,41C*
|
|
MUBJ=2,5J--MH*6ZRZ=XFTBVN!RT4FHQ>6<DY`PV1QC\ZN66H6,:[9M?T,@<$
|
|
M_P!J08/YM7-4P\I.Z.N.*IK1LL/<:$XRGB'1XF/WMFJP+N_\?^M->_TB&+99
|
|
MZOH(;U.J6P_]GK/ZO5M8;Q-+N9,@MIE47&OZ,Z[LE!K%NHQZ9#Y_^M6;>:;:
|
|
M7FH2W,^LZ`P25/L\:ZO;!%0<L2/,ZG@?0?ET4J+A*[1C5Q$):)CC;Q-$D?\`
|
|
M;.A$$@R'^U[;)_-ZL01P*S/+K.AECTQK%KA>?^NE>C[16V/*=/S)8([59$+Z
|
|
MUH81/NJ-8M?_`(Y4^;-G`;6M#$:\@?VO:Y/_`)$H]HB?9ON6HYM/_CUO0^O3
|
|
M^UK7&/\`OY3XY--^8G7M!4MCC^UK;C_Q^IYT'L[$T<NE#<6\1:!D]#_:UO\`
|
|
M_%U92ZTA`@7Q)X?S_$3JL`_DU)R0<A/;7.AHH$OBCP^21SC4X#S_`-]4V630
|
|
M9&;_`(JOP\`PY!U*#_XJDGJ/D.8\2>&M&U6/]QXP\,)(O*%]3BX/IG)X_P`]
|
|
MN>;_`.%?P@Y'C7P=_P"#=?\`"AM,V@^5:DJ^`;<*`?&W@\'VU9?\*7_A`;;_
|
|
1`*'CPA_X-D_PK.S-U4B`_]F`
|
|
`
|
|
end
|
|
sum -r/size 26659/13881 section (from "begin" to "end")
|
|
sum -r/size 42707/10052 entire input file
|
|
|
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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|
= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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|
= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|
= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
|
|
= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
|
|
= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
|
|
= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
|
|
= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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|
= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
|
|
= http://www.interlog.com/~lisa/f.u.c.k. =
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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|
= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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