139 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
139 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Possession
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In the last week or so I have sent Dis five F.U.C.K files. This is number
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six. Second one I have written in an hour. The name 'simunye' will become
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synonomous with "shut up bitch!" *laugh*
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I warned him though. Pages and pages of articles I have written for my own
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sheer pleasure sit on my harddrive. Once they were siting on my webpage,
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but no more. I am moving everything over to a new site, and have been
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toying with the idea of not putting ANYTHING up that I have written.
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Sometimes it seems really pointless because after all my talk of how I
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write for only myself, I have this tinge of pleasure when people tell me
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that I am neat-o. Makes me feel 'accepted.' Maybe I am not so heartless
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after all?
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Dis's only word is "gimme".
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Well Dis, this one is for you.
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I yawn but I am not tired. Liters of Diet Coke run through my veins. My
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lungs are clouded with all the tar from my chainsmoking. My eyes feel heavy
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and its late. 3:39am.
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"You know if I leave you now, it doesn't mean I will love you any less."
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-Sarah McLachlin.
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I am a big Sarah fan. Have been for some time now. First heard "Possession"
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back when I was working for a music store, years ago. Back then I hated
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femme music. Majority of the people that worked there were your typical
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'alterna-teen' groupies with the black clothes, nose piercings and
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worshipping the Sarah's and the Tori's like there was no tomorrow. Drove
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me up the wall.
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But then I heard "Possession" one night. I remember, I was watching MTV
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and was up late at night. It was "120 Minutes". I listened to the words.
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And I can remember putting down what I was reading and crying. Crying so
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hard that it lasted for a good five minutes before I could get myself
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under control.
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I went into a different music store the next day and bought the tape. CD's
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were a luxury for me back then, hell I didn't even have a computer.
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How much her music has come to mean to me over the years. Memories, evoking
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images of situations.
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Many moons later, someone contacted me on IRC. He thought it was interesting
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that not only was I willing to open myself up so publicly on-line (via my
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webpages). To talk about the situations, stories, events that have occurred
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in my life, regardless of whether they were good or bad. Sarah came up as
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the topic. We talked about her music, her ability to evoke emotions (He is
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an Objectivist, which explains everything). We both agreed on one thing: we
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both ironically do what we call our "Sarah Test". We throw Sarah on the
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stereo and lie in bed with our significant others. And if the music can't
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lift them to the ethereal world that she creates, then we both no longer
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date that person.
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Possession still remains the favorite of all her songs to me. The depth, the
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passion, the emotions the feelings. Just put the song on now. Chances are I
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will now begin to cry.
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I have always known what I wanted from a relationship. Prince Charming and
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Roark (from "The FountainHead") rolled into one. Some crazy fuck who is not
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only brilliant and also his own man, but passionate and sensual as well. Do
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you have ANY idea how rare that is to find?
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A memory I like to conjure up occassionaly is when I met another Sarah fan.
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This was quit sometime ago. Not even a year, and yet it seems so distant and
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yet close at the same time.
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We had been talking for quit a while, and we both wanted to meet. We agreed
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on a time and a place, and he drove 900 miles for a weekend. I remember
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pulling into our meeting place, and as I parked my car, "Possession" came
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on the radio. I started crying so hard, because it was like an omen that
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this was a good thing.
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When I actually 'met' him, I remember opening the door and running down the
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hall. There he stood all 6'7 of him, and I did a running jump to hug him. I
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remember looking into his eyes, and seeing that deep rooted passion for me
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burning there.
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We listened to Sarah all weekend while making love. That mystical ethereal
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kind of love that is so rare, and brings you so close to each other that
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you are almost frightened by the power of it.
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Sad to say we are no longer together. I have this wonderful habit of
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attracting "Intellectual Losers". The overly intelligent guys who lack no
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social skills. Even a kiss is shocking to them in many aspects. One by one
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they break my heart. "Your too much, your too this, your too that". And yet,
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they contact me "I was wrong..I miss/need/desire/love you". By then its too
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late. Someone else has taken their place and the cycle repeats itself.
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Deep melancholy sigh.
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The last serious relationship I was in before I was in the one I am in now
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lasted almost a year. He truly loved me unconditionally. Have you ever
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had anyone love you unconditionally before? God, its a scary feeling. No
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matter how many times we fought, broke up, or I had hurt him, he always was
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there for me. One time, a few months ago, I had gone into a panic attack.
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Suddenly I didn't want to exist as 'simunye'. I wanted to kill the bitch.
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She (or me for that matter) had gotten me into enough trouble with mailing
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lists, flame wars, you name it, that I had to kill her. But I knew, to kill
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her would be killing my innermost self.
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My ex and I had been arguing for sometime previous to this incident. I kept
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calling his house. He was literally the only person I could talk to at that
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point. No answer. I panicked. If he left me, my life would be over. I
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depended on him that much, whether I liked it or not.
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I remember driving to his house, all 20 minutes away. I had worked myself
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up into such a state that I did not recognize the street I was on, even
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though I had driven on it perhaps a million times.
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- simunye
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.toptown.com/innercircle/orchid/F.U.C.K/fuck.htm =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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