textfiles/magazines/FUCK/fuck0317.txt

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=   F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K.   =
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                        Revenge of Zit-Man
                        ------------------

	It had been 20 years since we had encountered the hideous 
Zit-Man.  Jeremiah had become a very successful architect and had built 
his own condominium out in the country.  Brian had long since retired as 
a pro basketball player after he was injured in an auto accident 15 years 
before.  Of course, he was set because he was paid over $4 million a year 
and began receiving a pension in excess of $1 million per year.  Brent 
had become the all-time NFL leader in quarterback sacks for a linebacker 
before switching to the WLAF, where he shattered every possible record 
for linebackers.  Andrew had successfully put out some of the hottest 
movies of the last decades, including the first Zit-Man movie, a $25 
million grosser.  Me?  I'd sat at home and watched all of my stocks and 
bonds skyrocket to an incredible amount.  My wife and I constantly 
visited our friends, and they constantly visited us.  We were all well 
off, and we all went out to dinner every other Friday night.  The only 
thing we didn't have yet were children; our wives had each had a 
miscarriage and didn't want to go through the agony again.  We happened 
to be out on a Friday night, and we decided to stop at the local tavern 
before heading home.  Since we were all driving in Brian's deluxe 
conversion van, we appointed a designated driver, which turned out to be 
me.  While I had a Coke, everyone else polished off a few assorted beers 
and they became generally wasted.  On the way home, in the roadside, I 
spotted what appeared to be a young woman, clothes torn and tattered, 
cuts up and down her leg, and apparently she had been in the ditch for 
quite some time.  I stopped the van to investigate and when I stepped out 
of the van there was a familiar, haunting odor in the air.  Half of our 
passengers had passed out, so I was on my own.  Suddenly the memories 
shot back into me like a bullet -- the young woman in the ditch, the 
ammunition store, the library, the drug store, the OXY revolver,.... and 
Zit-Man.  He was back.  But how?  We'd finished off Zit-Man twenty years 
ago -- twenty years ago to THIS DAY!  I knew trouble was afoot.  All of a 
sudden I saw a trail of a foamy sludge.  I tested it; it was obviously 
fresh.  I didn't really know what to do.  I realized that there was the 
chance of Zit-Man coming back to have vengeance on us; I just couldn't 
figure out why he was back, or, more importantly, HOW he was back.  I 
decided to conduct a little investigation.  I followed the trail of 
sludge into a thick wood, where I determined his den must be.  All of a 
sudden, I noticed that the sludge was gone; it had literaly disappeared 
without a trace.  Then I looked around.  I saw a horrifying sight:  there 
were twisted animal bodies dangling by tree limbs which obviously had 
been "popped".  I began to realize that I had probably made a mistake by 
doing this; the others were out and no one had even realized I'd left.  
All of a sudden out of nowhere came Zit-Man.  Twenty years had passed but 
he was the same hideous creature; but how?  I'd killed him twenty years 
to this very night!  Then he began to speak; Zit-Man couldn't speak 
twenty years before!  He said:  "I have returned, nemesis.  That day 
twenty years ago is over.  After the OXY entered my system I completely 
evaporated -- or so you thought.  You fool!  You failed to realize what 
happened!  You left a steaming pile of goo in front of the drug store and 
took it for dead!  But I was able to reform with the help of a young mad 
scientist; he threatened to use me but I was able to pop him before he 
could stop me.  I waited until this night, twenty years after I was 
murdered, to return and kill you!"

	I had to act fast.  I realized I could not withstand the force of 
a complete pop.  I remembered that Zit-Man could only be destroyed by an 
OXY gun, No!  He could withstand it, of course!  It couldn't kill him 
twice.  There had to be a different method, another way to destroy it!  
But it didn't matter.  My main concern was avoiding him destroying me, 
not to mention my poor friends in the van!  What was there to do?  I 
started running.  Zit-Man popped one and the ooze sprang after me, but I 
was able to maneuver out of the way.  Then he started giving chase.  I 
realized that the power of the ooze was not effective against rubber, so 
I decided to break for the van and try and outrun him.  He then suddenly 
appeared in the forest and whistled, revealing hideous Zit-Creatures of 
his that possessed the same qualities he did.  He started laughing 
grotesquely.  He blubbered about how the Zit-Creatures were conceived 
from his own flesh, able to withstand the effect of any weapon.  I 
realized that I was hopelessly lost.  All of a sudden I saw a vine 
hanging from a tree limb.  I grabbed it and started climbing while some 
of the Zit-Creatures tried to pop at me.  Then I realized that my only 
way of escape was through -- through the trees.  I started leaping from 
tree to tree, dodging ooze pops.  All of a sudden a Zit-Creature popped 
one and hit me in the arm.  I lost all feeling in my elbow down and 
realized that I had one last chance.  I broke for the van and I was soon 
within plain sight of it.  I leaped out of the trees and raced to the van 
to find my wife there, muttering.  I inspected -- Zit-Man had been here!  
He had left a note:  "Ah!  You now realize what you must pay for my 
destruction twenty years ago!  You thought that your friends were drunk, 
eh?  Try knock-out drug!  I know about your little Friday night parties 
and I was prepared.  I think that if you look in the back seat of your 
puny vehicle you might find something very unpleasant!"  I went to the 
back of the van and started crying.  Zit-Man had killed Brent and his 
wife, Betty.  I couldn't believe it.  All of a sudden Zit-Man was no 
longer a hideous creature -- he was a personal vengeance.  Brent had to 
be avenged!

	I was able to wake the others and explain what happened; tears 
started flowing in their eyes as well.  We all vowed immediate revenge 
against Zit-Man.  We flew out of the can to find another note:  "Ha!  If 
you think that puny ittle mannequin in the rear is your friend, think 
again!  I have your puny friends and if you want them you'll have to come 
get them!"  We had to do something; but what was there that could still 
be done?  OXY wouldn't work this time but there had to be something -- 
there had to be!  Then we developed a brainstorm.  Obviously, there was a 
way!  Of course!  We were thinking solely of weapons -- we didn't realize 
that it, too, could be killed by means such as drowning or suffocation.  
We had to develop a plan.  We decided that the only thing we could do was 
to try and construct a device that would trap Zit-Man.  This way he could 
be removed without mortally touching him.  We had to work, however.  
Jeremiah took the initiative, constructing some unrecognizable entity 
which looked kind of like a beat-up old construction crane.  We decided 
that the best way to do it was to go into Zit-Man's lair and grab him 
with our makeshift crane, allowing escape in the nick of time.  Of 
course, it wouldn't be easy -- there were still Zit-Creatures roaming 
around in the forest near his lair.  There had to be an easy way to stop 
them -- and we developed it.  Zit-Man himself was intrigued by greasy 
food but he was too smart to fall for a food trap.  But the Zit-Creatures 
might not be, and besides, they would in all probability go ape over the 
grease anyway.  We made the decision to act immediately.

	We began setting grease-traps when Betty came running out of the 
blue.  We asked her what happened and she said she was able to escape but 
Brent was still being held along with others in Zit-Man's "Cold Storage" 
room.  Our wives tried to comfort her and took her back to the van, but 
they shortly came screaming back saying the van had vanished.  This was 
obviously another work of Zit-Man but we had no idea that he could have 
done this.  Suddenly we saw tens upon tens of Zit-Creatures racing for 
the grease-surprises.  The traps were working!

	With the Zit-Creatures out of the way, we were ready for the big 
daddy himself.  We decided that we would have to blaze a trail through 
the forested area for the crane so we racedinto town and got machetes.  
We returned in horror, however, as we found the crane had been looted.  
It was obvious there was some other way into the lair as the van and 
crane could obviously have not made it through the dense forest.  We 
searched for hours until we found it:  a gigantic _underground_ passage.  
There was apparently a form of safety device installed on the door to the 
passage so we took a look at it.  It was some sort of a coded which had 
to have the correct code number to open the door.  We had no clue as how 
to crack the code so we just tried guesswork.  We failed.

	We soon discovered that this was a trap.  All of a sudden a siren 
started sounding out of nowhere and Zit-Man appeared with _our_ crane.  
He was obviously going to strike so we had to act fast.  We couldn't.  
The crane, specially designed for him, scooped all of us up and we found 
ourselves cramped.  He then started to close the jaws, which would have 
crushed us with the greatest of ease.  We had but one chance.  We had 
designed this crane for Zit-Man so he probably didn't know about the 
fail-safe protection device on the front.  The problem was we couldn't 
get to it because we were facing the other way and the jaws were coming 
down too quickly.  We had to go for it.  The mouth started slowly turning 
around and we caugh a glimpse of the box on the front.  We were in too 
tight a situation to hit it with anything, though, so we had to clear out 
to allow room.  Somehow Brian wiggled his left arm free, took a quarter, 
and with the same precision from his old basketball days, scored a direct 
hit.  The crane started whizzing around and stopped as it was about to 
close us off for good..

	We still had to figure out a way out of the crane mouth, however, 
as we were still trapped and helpless.  We managed to open it slightly to 
find Zit-Man below, popping at us.  Then I came up with an idea.  Thw 
material used in the construction of the crane was NOT necessarily 
Zit-Proof, as we had imagined capturing him and THEN managing to hoist 
him into a Zit-Proof Container.  Besides, the non-resistant part of the 
crane was the steel covering to the mouth which he had apparently failed 
to operate.  A popped entity streamed at the crane and hit the mouth 
square, oozing out a hole in the construction.  When another one came we 
were able to have the mouth dissolve before getting hit.  We ran off and 
then we tried to get to high ground to escape his pinpoint aim.  We 
managed to escape the woods, but we had accomplished nothing.  Then we 
had it.  There was only one thing we had not tried.  We still had yet to 
try pills.

	A truck came down the road so some of hitched a ride to the drug 
store to get what we thought we would need.  Being a chemistry minor in 
college, I realized that an effective knock-out drug could be made that 
would even knock out Zit-Man.  After grabbing the materials, I started 
working immediately.

	Although he had a new immunity to OXY, I realize that possible 
effectiveness was always there so I mixed a formula of sleeping pills, 
OXY, hydrogen peroxide, and lye.  This was obviously close to a poisonous 
substance for any human, and we could only hope that Zit-Man was able to 
fall under a similar trap.  There still, however, remained one crucial 
problem:  how would we get him the concoction?  There had to be a way.  
We knew that grease attracted him; but he wasn't stupid enough to fall 
for an obvious trap.  We also knew that he ate swamp material if grease 
wasn't abundant; but that wouldn't work because we knew he'd catch us 
dumping anything in his swamp.  Then the idea came.  We would have to use 
the same type of procedure that we used with the OXY gun twenty years 
ago.  We returned to town by hitching again and proceeded to the old 
ammunition depot.

	We were able to get there in the nick of time and bought another 
.44 calibre and blanks.  We loaded the blanks with the substance and took 
a practice shot at a nearby tree.  The bullet screamed out of the gun, 
hit the tree, and fell to the ground, leaving not so much as a dent in 
the tree.  We had to find another substance to put in our lively 
concoction to get positive results.  Although it wasn't quite what we 
were hoping for, we found it:  nitro-glycerine.

	Our new substance was experimented with and when it hit the tree 
this time the tree kind of half-exploded and half-disintegrated.  We had 
the weapon to use.  Now to find Zit-Man.  It wasn't that hard, though, as 
Zit-Man came streaming out of the forested area with something in his 
hand -- it was a live grenade pouch!  We raced for cover.  In the fray 
the gunhad been dislodged yet retrieved by Andrew, making him our only 
chance against that pitiful creature.  He took a shot and missed but 
ending up hitting a partitioned area of Zit-Man's den.  Someone escaped 
from the den and as we looked closely we could tell:  it was Brent!  
Zit-Man fired, popped, and hurled at us but we managed to play a good 
game of dodging.  Then he hit Andrew with a direct score on the hand.  
The gun went flying and Andrew went tumbling.  Zit-Man approached and 
started laughing himself hoarse.  Then he started speaking again:  "Ha!  
You fools thought you could defeat a superior life form!  Who do you 
think you are?  Superheroes?  I lost two.  This one will not escape!"

	A grenade was thrown at point blank range at Andrew.  He scurried 
behind a tree as the grenade went off.  He emerged black and cloudy, but 
he wasn't hurt.  Just then I caught sight of the gun.  I lept for it as 
Zit-Man was still trying to assail Andrew.  Then, out of nowhere, the 
crane appeared.  Jeremiah was clearing it through the forest.  This 
distracted Zit-Man long enough for me to make a run at the gun.  I picked 
it up and went to fire it, but I couldn't.  It was jammed.  Then Zit-Man 
caught sight of me.  I dove as a grenade exploded behind me.  Then he 
threw a sea of red ooze around as though he was making a cage out of a 
popper.  We were trapped except for Jeremiah and Jenny in the crane.  
Then Brian appeared with the van.  It seemed it had been ditched in a 
remote corner of the woods with the motor still running to exhaust the 
fuel.  The van broke through a trail of the ooze net and the crane made a 
blow at Zit-Man.  He was distracted again.

	I dove for the gun again, trying to unjam it.  Finally all of the 
bullets came tumbling out and I had to prevent a pure nitro explosion.  I 
reloaded the bullets in the .44 and set my sights on the distracted 
Zit-Man.  The crane had knocked him 25 yards into the trees of the forest 
and he was extremely angry.  He all of a sudden popped a huge lower zit 
which flew directly at the crane.  The crane keeled over with Jeremiah 
and Jenny inside of it and they were helpless.  I had to act fast.  I 
fired a shot at him but missed over his head, hitting the van.  The van 
gave a small explosion and Brian evacuated.  The van exploded and Zit-Man 
was coming after me.  I had but three bullets left.  I shot again but 
missed left and hit another portion of his lair.  It exploded and a 
sticky film was rained across the forest.  He started laughing again.  I 
had two shots left.

	Then he popped one at me.  It missed, but I dropped the gun 
avoiding it.  Brian, Brent, Betty, Zit-Man, and I all raced for the gun 
and Brian won the race.  He took a point blank shot but missed badly.  
Zit-Man knocked it out of his his hands -- right into mine.  I had one 
shot left -- a shot at point-blank range.  I fired and hit him right 
above the eyes -- a similar location to that of twenty years ago.  All of 
a sudden Zit-Man exploded, leaving an oozy trail behind him.  We were all 
hit by remnants of the oozy substances but managed to make it out to the 
road.  We flagged down a car and made straight to the hospital.

	We were able to get help to get Jeremiah and Jenny from the 
crane.  Brent had to stay in the hospital for three days because the 
Zit-Substance had eaten away at his skin.  Andrew was able to develop 
another high-grossing blockbuster out of it, and he generously split his 
profits with us.  I only hope this book can gross as much as his movie -- 
you can rest assured that I'll be splitting profits.  Of course, we 
really don't need much in the way of additional profits -- we plan to 
have a condominium complex built for all five couples.  It'll probably 
cost in excess of $1 million, but it'll be worth it.  Now, back to work, 
trying to lick those rotten miscarriages.


                                                     -- murmur
                                                        written in 1991

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