176 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
176 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Reflecting Death
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I have often sat back and deeply reflected on the events leading up
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to my death. They are not demented, nor twisted, just a sick churning of
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mind. The girls I have loved and never knew it, the people I detest and
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never felt it. I sit alone in my section of a long "lost souls" hall, a
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purgatory if you will for creatures who did not attain that which was
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meant. Not that it is or was intentional, just a minor miscalculation in
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the gene pool or possibly a genetic engineering experiment gone afoul.
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This is the fate I was in a way destined to attain.
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Many years ago, while I was still a mortal I had a dream. A simple
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dream, not of any real depth, thought or even complexity. A simple dream
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of a certain understanding. The understanding of what is the true human
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creature. I never found the answer to this question so I must now pay. And
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pay dearly I do. My first life back in old England in 750 was fun at
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times, I had a certain fear of death as we all did then. This was overcome
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when I died of the plague. My next life I had the knowledge that death is
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not a thing to fear, it is one to embrace. When we die we become what one
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can only dream of. A power, a bright light. True beauty. No physical
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limitations, no mental blocks. All thought processes are clear and free. I
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live now in that sense. Enlightenment has been granted, a teacher
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provided. A teacher of such depth I am shocked that I would be granted
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such a thing. But it all begins a very long time ago, back in the 1980's.
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I was at one time what one could call a freak. A deviant, one capable
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of living in the night and loving it. A drive and enormous need to learn
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and teach to the best of my abilities. I did the usual party shit, drunk
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in excess and many other things I care not to discuss. Before that I was a
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typical idiot, serving only to pleasure myself, helping none. This gave me
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pleasure at the time but I was powerless to see the difference. I could
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not remember what had been taught to me in my previous lives. The true
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life, of love and knowledge.. But, getting back to the topic at hand. I
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was a general asshole, walking over people and not caring. I was in high
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school, a most traumatic place for anyone, moreso for anyone who got in my
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way. Me and some of my "friends" at the time decided one night to crash a
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party. We were told that it was being held by the weirdos of the school,
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they were geeks anyhow, so a little bit o fun might be had there. It was
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fun. First when we got there we started laughing at them, calling them
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names. I mean, all they wee doing was sitting around talking and thinking.
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What sort of party was this? Definantly not of any fun. I mean, where were
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the giggly girls and beer? I did however have an attraction to one of the
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girls there. She had eyes that bored right through me and could see the
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coward that hid inside of the seething mass of idiocy. She watched me in
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disgust at first, then pity. I did not understand any of this. I could not
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see the pleasure of thinking and dreaming for recreation. It seemed the
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only time you were supposed to dream was while asleep. This whole thing
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was strange, I could not understand it, It all bugged me in general. She
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looked at me while I was making some comment about someone having purple
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hair and said, "How sad you must be not to feel" This hit me hard, like a
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dirty cop's billy stick coming down on my head. Was she right? Did I not
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feel? Was my image not good enough to frighten away this creature I did
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not understand? Did she actually see through my mask of self hate? Was my
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cover blown? That is when I cracked and had a realization so big that it
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did scare me, so bad I still feel the effects of it today. The sudden
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nausea, the crimping of my guts. I left the room and threw up. Then I
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cried. I cried for my idiocy, my self avoidance. I realized that the true
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me was a thing that was much too hazardous to face. I could only dream
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about being myself. But wait! Dream. Is that what it was all about? Is
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that what this shit was all about? Hmmmm... I cleaned up, restored my
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image to the best that I could, grabbed the others and left. I said that I
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felt ill and had to go home. While the others waltzed off into the night I
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sat on the streets cur and started to think. What if I am all wrong? What
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am I doing? Has my lack of love and thought not maken me weaker instead of
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as I had allays thought making me stronger? After all, physical strength
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is everything, the mind could never be more powerful that a strong
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pectoral or biceps. I put my head in my hands and fell into a deep
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depression. The confusion that I had created by one persons simple line
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was more than I could take. Then a voice said from behind me, "Well, I
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guess you do." It was the girl from the party. She introduced herself as I
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did as well. I asked what sort of freaky shit was that was going on in
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the house. She replied, "Don't do that, I know you aren't that stupid" I
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had no idea what to think, was I that naked? I thought then and there that
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a change was in due form. I rephrased my question and asked again what was
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going on in the house. She simply smiled and invited me back in. I went in
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and sat on the floor with her and a few others. Some strange music I was
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informed later was Bauhaus. Fucking weird shit I thought. How can someone
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listen to this shit... I will take my AC-DC over them any time I thought.
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So, we started talking. We shared what we thought about various things. I
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was reluctant to speak at first, fearing my own inadequacies would show up
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and flaw me. I hesitated a possibility for one of the questions and
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instead of insult I was rewarded with admiration. To this day I cannot
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remember what it was that I said that was so important that night, but I
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found myself going to more and more of these get-together sort of things.
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The girl lived in a very old house of about 170 years. She invited me over
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one night and then I truly found what I wanted to quest for and still do
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search for. We stayed up until noon the following afternoon sitting in an
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overstuffed couch and just talking, drinking coffee and thinking. It was
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exquisite. A night that I thought was a dream and would never happen
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again. She played me a band known as "The Clash" I had heard of them in
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terms of "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" but the tunes she played I did not
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know... I know of them now, but that does not matter. I found the music
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enchanting. Weird thing to think about such a band, but what the hell...
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I did see her again, and again... Many times.. We frequented these
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get togethers all the time. She introduced me to many interesting people
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and eventually I introduced her to some as well. Those were great times.
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The feeling of euphoria without the need for drink. What a wonderful
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feeling. I guess that sometimes the losers really are the winners and the
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"winners" are just too stupid to realize it. Tragic changes started to
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take place at school. No longer was I the whipper as much as the whipping
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post. I lost all interest in what would be the "norm" but it depressed me
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that others could not see what the true reality was, this thing of pure
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thought. I was sick of calculations. I was sick of being ignorant. I
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snapped. All the people that others had told me to avoid were now my
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friends, the "in" crowd was my enemy. What the fuck do I do now I
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wondered. Fuck it I thought, I am different and never will be able to fit
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in with this general status quo of things.
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A tragic thing happened though. This girl and myself grew distant.
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What was once a great friend now seemed an eternity away. She got a
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boyfriend and simply vanished. This was when I discovered something else.
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Even though time may separate, there is always a bond of some strange
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force. Eventually we met again at some location and picked up where we
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left off, seemingly without any thought of the past. Wow, that's something
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else I thought. How could it be that I don't see anyone fer months and
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then..... Wow, something else... Along the lines I was introduced to some
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excellent music. The Smiths, Skinny Puppy, Nitzer Ebb, Echo & The
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Bunnymen.... And yes, even Bauhaus... Wild and crazy times.
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I still continue with the quest for thought, many friends less and
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many years later. It's now 1995, almost 15 years after that day.. I do not
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miss my old life, I wonder where all the people I met at those parties are
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today. I wonder if there are any more people like them. People I can
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actually respect and learn from. I doubted that greatly.. As always, doubt
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turns into reality all to often. Once again I am learning and growing. I
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had stagnated from months and years of dormancy, more prepared to hide in
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my mind than let people into my life. This door has opened it's corroded
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hinges once again though. I would tell you what happens, but one cannot
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play with the future is such a way. What's unknown sometimes is best left
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that way only to be uncovered by careful excavation and planning.
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I sit here in the hall waiting for my next call to service. Waiting
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and wondering what my next life will bring. I am called by my spirit guide
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to come into the light. I walk slowly, not worrying as I fall down a
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funnel of energy so intense it invigorates. I then see a doctor with white
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gloves on. The presence of having a physical body once again disturbs me
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and I start to cry. Life begins anew.
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Could be real, could be bullshit. The question remains.....
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-Death
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= Internet : jericho@netcom.com (Mail is welcome) =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Gote Land +27.31.441115 =
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= Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 =
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= Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Celestial Woodlands 214.252.6455 =
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= Goat Blowers Anon 215.750.0392 Hacker's Haven 303.343.4053 =
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= E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 =
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= Dungeon Sys. Inc. 410.263.2258 Psykodelik Images 407.834.4576 =
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= Paradise Lost 414.476.3181 Black SunShine 513.891.3465 =
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= underworld_1995.com 514.683.1894 Digital Fallout 516.378.6640 =
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= PSYCHOSiS 613.836.7211 Bad Trip 615.870.8805 =
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= Plan 9 716.881.3663 suicidal chaos 718.592.1083 =
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= Phallic Paradise 801.944.7353 Purple Hell 806.791.0747 =
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= Atrocity Exhibition 905.796.3385 The Keg 914.234.9674 =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Files through Anonymous FTP: FTP.NETCOM.COM - /pub/je/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.FC.NET - /pub/deadkat/misc/FUCK =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM - /users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT - /pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU - /pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= Files through WWW: ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/je/jericho/jericho.html =
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