115 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
115 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
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Naval Assault on the WBOS "Earthfest"
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April 24, 1999
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by Rev. Chris Korda
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Eight of us paddled an 8'x12' home-built raft across the Charles in a
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30MPH wind without drowning (damn, better luck next time). At first the
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anchor wouldn't bite and it looked like we would be making a crash
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landing/ground assault, but then we got lucky and hooked an abandoned
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line attached to something heavy (a refrigerator perhaps). Our ground
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troops were waiting for us to do something, and Pastor Kim was beside
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himself with impatience, but the crew mutinied and insisted on a lunch
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break.
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Ever tried to dock a boat with the sails up? That's what it was like
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after we hoisted the 18'x5' SAVE THE PLANET KILL YOURSELF banner. The
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raft weighs around 1500 pounds fully loaded, so there was little danger
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of capsizing. I was more worried that the banner masts would snap off
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and decapitate us. Instead the raft swung into wind, which just
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happened to make the banner visible from shore (more luck). Next Pastor
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Kim cranked up his brand new "Yakuza style" sound system: a
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scary-looking box containing a 200 watt car amp and four extremely
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directional 15" horns. We opened with the screaming babies. A crowd
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began to form on shore immediately.
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We segued into "Buy (Buy More)", and then "Man of the future". A
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powerboat pulled up to us from shore, and the driver started yelling at
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us to shut the fuck up so people could enjoy the concert. He wasn't
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from WBOS, so we ignored him. Moments later he was buzzing us, doing
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donuts around the raft, and making big waves, presumably in an effort to
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capsize us. By now we had a crowd of over a thousand people on the
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shore, mostly cheering the powerboat. Finally he headed straight for
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us, and I prepared to go down with the ship, arms clutched around the
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sound system. At the last second he pulled out, showering us with
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water, and drove off.
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Next we gave them a few minutes of the cannibal anthem "Fleshdance", and
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our ground troops (led by Vermin Supreme) went crazy. Suddenly the
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crowd was with us, cheering wildly. People who were on shore tell me
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that they couldn't even hear the concert at this point. I launched into
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an inspirational sermon, starting with the obvious hypocrisy of
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littering a park for the Earth, at a rock concert whose corporate
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sponsors included Sheraton and Royal Sonesta. The crowd listened, and
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responded with applause. We put the Church music back on, and people
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started to dance. It had been about fifteen minutes since the banner
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went up.
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The police appeared in slow motion, unmistakable in their blue hats,
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puttering out towards us from the shore. I knew that the picture didn't
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exactly fit my dream of premonition the night before, but at first I
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couldn't see what was wrong. Then it dawned on me that there were no
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flashing lights, and that the cops were in a canary-yellow speedboat,
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flying the earth flag no less, with two beautiful dogs (huskies I think)
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snoozing on the bow. They had commandeered someone's boat! Apparently
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they were in such a hurry to talk to us that they didn't have time to wait
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for the marine division.
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It was a classic CoE moment. They circled us once, as if sniffing us.
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We smiled, and they smiled back. Finally they pulled up to us, and Lt.
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Bearfield explained, at some length, that he saw us being buzzed by the
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powerboat, and was concerned for our safety. Couldn't he do something
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about the guy who buzzed us? No, because the guy had already taken off.
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Sure. We can see his point. The wind is really whipping the banner,
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and tossing the raft around. Would it help if we took down the banner?
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Reef the banner! Down it goes. Bearfield concedes that stability is
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now much improved, but he is still concerned for our safety. Nothing to
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do with our first amendment rights, of course. Meanwhile a sailboat
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capsizes in plain view, not 100 yards away. Perhaps Bearfield should be
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more concerned for the safety of the two boaters in the river? One
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thing at a time. Sure. Would we be willing to move to a nearby dock,
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where we could continue to use our sound system? No, thank you, we're
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perfectly happy where we are. Well, he still isn't sure our boat would
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meet Coast Guard construction standards. The marine division will
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arrive in a few minutes, and they are the experts.
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Meanwhile the situation on the shore is getting ugly. Over a thousand
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people are screaming "free speech, free speech" and "fuck the police".
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Rocks would have been thrown, if there were any rocks to be had. Can we
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talk to the crowd and let them know what's happening? Sure, says
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Bearfield. So I talk to the crowd for a minute, thank them for their
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support, and pop in the appropriate tape:
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Be polite and respectful. Never badmouth a police officer. (ding) The
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police are your friends! Stay calm and in control of your words, body
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language and emotions. (ding) The police are your friends! Don't get
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into an argument with the police. (ding) The police are your friends!
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etc...
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People on shore are laughing so hard they fall down. Even some of the
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cops are laughing. Bearfield is smiling politely. No offense, sir.
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The marine division pulls up, with flashing lights now, and after a
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brief conference with Bearfield, the marine cop boards us. He pretends
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to listen to us for a minute, but it's obvious that he's already made up
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his mind. He sniffs around, looks under the deck, and informs us that
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we're going to be towed to the nearby dock, for our own safety. Once
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we're docked, we can continue to address the crowd with our sound
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system, okay? Yes sir.
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A half hour later, we're docked, and the bigwigs have sailed away. We
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crank up the sound system again, and within seconds a gigantic,
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mean-looking officer named Malloy appears and says "turn it off now or
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we're going confiscate it and arrest you for disorderly." Surprise! Not
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really.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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A videotape of the above is currently being edited, hopefully to be
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completed in a month from now. A RealVideo version will be made
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available from the CoE "Video" page.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Church of Euthanasia churchofeuthanasia.org
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P.O.Box 261 ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Snuffit
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Somerville, MA 02143 coe@netcom.com
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