118 lines
6.2 KiB
Groff
118 lines
6.2 KiB
Groff
just send an email to listserv@netcom.com containing only the line:
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unsubscribe snuffit-l
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October 2, 1994
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Sunday e-sermon #3
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Dear brethren, today I have a special surprise in store for all of you. Today
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we have with us none other than the amazing Yanni Cooper! Yanni is a real live
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Snuff It-thumping environmental extremist, a loyal follower of the church, and
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I'm proud to call him my friend. He will be delivering today's sermon, and I
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suggest you all hold on to your benches and pews, because otherwise they might
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blow right over! But first, before we get started, let me take this
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opportunity to thank ALL of you who came to last Sunday's picnic. It was a
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roaring success, and there were many enlightening conversations. Later
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everyone got very drunk, volleyball was played naked in the mud, and several
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acts of public sodomy were performed, one of which I still have bruises from,
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but never mind. On a more serious note, those of you who still follow the
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Spectacle will know that at the last minute, thanks in large part to YOUR
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earnest prayers, the tiny island of Haiti was NOT saturation-bombed into the
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stone age by the B-52s of the United States Air Force. Gaia be praised. With
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your continued prayers, the situation is bound to further improve. I've said
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it before and I'll say it again: why waste money on the military when people
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need to die right here at home! And now, without further ado, let's hear it
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for Yanni "moise" Babatunde Cooper!
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(microphone adjusting, howling feedback, etc.)
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I'm sick of hearing about inner city violence. I'm sick of hearing about the
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millions starving every day. It's a historically proven fact that the best way
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to prevent war is to have the populace of one or both countries die off from a
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famine or plague or something. I mean, almost no one wants to conquer a desert
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filled with starving babies and lepers and raving lunatics.
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The biggest problem in the world today, the largest cause of suffering and
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pain, the biggest contributor to the unbalancing of the ecosystems of Gaia and
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destruction of whole species, is none other than you, the gentle reader.
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Gentle my ass!
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Maybe you consider yourself to be "environmentally conscious". Sure but do you
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drive a car? "Oh but it passes the emissions test" you say. So? That is just
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what the current governmental body think is the amount they can allow you to
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pollute the atmosphere, with out it effecting their chances of getting
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reelected. And riding a bike instead doesn't help that much even though it is
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better then a car. Do you have any idea how much waste is made in the creation
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of just ONE bicycle?
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You recycle? Bravo, well done. Though unless you live off soda most likely
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you recycle less than 10-15% of your waste. Boy is that going to save the
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environment. Chances are that you aren't buying recycled materials either.
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Oh, you are? Well I'm sorry then I guess you ARE environmentally conscious;
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except that most likely what you are buying is not really recycled material.
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To be truly recycled it has to be 100% P.C.W. (post-consumer waste). That
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means someone used something previously, recycled it and now you are using bits
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of it again. Most things touted as "recycled" nowadays are merely the using of
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the scrap left over from the creation of other products. Legally companies are
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allowed to put recycled on it because it is technically using something that
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has been previously used. But they would have used it anyway. And even if
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they do contain P.C.W. most products are still 70-85% virgin products or post
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industrial waste (the scraps I was telling you about earlier). Chances are
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that no matter how environmentally conscious you think you are, you aren't.
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Well maybe you are a member of Green Peace or some other "Save the Animals"
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type club. Fat lot of good that will do. Most of that money you send them
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every couple of months merely goes into someone's pocket or towards recruiting
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new members to give them more money.
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Oh, wait, what is that? You're a vegetarian? So instead of having a bunch of
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cows destroy 12 acres or so of arable land for you, you will just defoliate
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one. Good job. But then you are not a true vegetarian are you? You eat dairy
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products, or chicken, or fish. So I guess vegans are the only ones I can't
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chew out for being "unconscious" of what they are doing to the environment.
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Except that, as usual, I can. See they are still helping to destroy the
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harmonic balance the earth had, just cause there are so damn many of them.
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"O.K.," you say "I guess I am always in the wrong, but what can I do about it?"
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I'll tell you what you can do. Stop. Stop using the world's precious
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resources. Stop procreating like crazed weasels. Stop eating ten times what
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you need to just because you can. Stop eating period. Join the Church of
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Euthanasia. Kill yourself!
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Yes you heard me right. I am telling you to snuff your light out. You and
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everyone one else reading this. That is the most socially acceptable way of
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reducing the world population, and stopping this horrid calamity that has been
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visited upon our mother earth, which happens to be called the human race. I am
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sure many people will be offend by this letter but that is all right. Many
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animals are offended when we spill oil all over their homes. Many more are
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offended at being raised with ten cubic inches of breathing space just to be
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eaten. If you step back a little and look at the Earth you can tell she is
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offended by all the shit we have done to her. If you want more information on
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the Church of Euthanasia I can get it to you. If you just off yourself or can
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help some one else off themselves you will be just as valuable though.
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(applause)
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Thank you Yanni! Yanni can be reached at either of these addresses:
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ycooper@muselab.ac.runet.edu
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ycooper@rucs2.cs.runet.edu
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If YOU would like to deliver a Sunday e-sermon, e-mail the proposed text to:
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snuffit-l@netcom.com
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If your text is approved, we will schedule the e-sermon. You will be
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notified either way.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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Rev. Chris Korda The Church of Euthanasia
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ftp: ftp.etext.org pub/Zines/Snuffit
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gopher: gopher.etext.org Zines/Snuffit
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