124 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
124 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
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Editor: 0000Q\'d@@@@D/// 0000@@@@@P//////// @@@@@@@.
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Access Denied 000@@@@@@@@P'/// 000@@P//////////// .d@@@@@D X Marks The
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d00@@@@@@@P'//// d00@@@a///////// d@@@@@@@@@' Shit
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D a m n e d F u c k i n g S h i t
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- Presents -
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Issue #56
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Date: 5/30/96
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Title: Acme
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Author: Dementia Praecox
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Acme
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[Editor's Note: This appeared on a local board one sunny afternoon. -AD]
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AD> I believe it's acne... Acme is the company that makes every name brand prod
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AD> in Warner Bros. cartoons (the best ones around)
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Well, maybe he DID have an Acme problem, just like Wyle E. TG: were you
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like.. always buying guided missles and rocket skates and things of that
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nature that just kept screwing up? That happened to me. Those people at Acme
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just love to screw people over, dammit. And just TRY to get a refund on the
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unidentifiable, twisted and blackened shards of metal that are left over after
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the explosion. DAMMIT. It's just not fair. These people at Acme are just
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another of those companies that doesn't care about their consumers. All their
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dealings with the USA are just in the selling department. They have NO
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factories here for the assembly of their products, it's all done overseas in
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either Malaysia or the United Arab Emirates (trust me, I've done the
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research, dammit. I'm just fucking TIRED of turning over some radar
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equipment that's strapped to a jet engine and seeing the words "Made in Abu
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Dhabi, United Arab Emirates" pressed into the back of them. Their customer
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service is virtually nonexistant. Their salespeople just don't give a shit
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about you, unless you're buying some unimaginatively expensive item, and then
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it's only because they see the chance to strap their teeth into your wallet
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and leech more and more off of you for their own fat commissions. Because
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once they get their teeth into you, all coagulation is lost from your credit
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flow. They send you more and more catalogs regarding their products that look
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SO good in the literature, but once they arrive at your house, you learn that
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it's going to take you a specific socket wrench set (which you don't have and
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is, of course, only sold by THEM), a course in Mongolian at your local
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community college (so you can read the instuctions manual), and about 12 hours
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of sweating over various small parts, fitting them together in the most
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complex Rubik's Cube manner possible, to get them just to fit together and
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work as they are supposed to. It's not right. They should be reported to the
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Better Business Bureau immediately. In fact, I'll do that first thing
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tomorrow. These are the same fatcat business-leaders of the world who have
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had their teeth sunken in a vampiric embrace into our government officials for
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years, always controlling, always threatening to cut off the funding if one of
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their propositions falls upon deaf ears, if one of their new business dealings
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is at all challenged on its way to sucking dry even more of the poor,
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unknowing citizens of this country who will just go on buying products from
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the company because they heard (undoubtedly from some friend who was paid BY
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the company to do just that: spread the word that the product is great) that
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the new Acme Combination Egg-Beater/Guillotine(c) is just the GREATEST for
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those times when some prro, small vermin chances to run through the kitchen
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while you're simply trying to whip up a few pankcakes for your morning
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breakfast before you head on off to your job, and work like good little ants,
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so that you can earn more money, so that you can buy more products, so that
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you can make the executive board at some company such as the Acme Corporation
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even more rich and more powerful than they already are. It's all in all, and
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endless cycle, a Mobius Strip of continuous working and purchasing, working
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and purchasing, that will undoubtedly go on forever (until that one afternoon,
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when you're sitting and sipping hot tea, reflecting back upon all the years of
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your life and all the wonderful Acme products that you've purchased and that
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your whole family has come to love, even though they are dangerously unstable)
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and suddenly, there's a knock upon the door. Who is it, you ask. I'll tell
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you who it is, it's Mortis. Death. The Grim Reaper himself, come to collect
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your soul. But you can't get into heaven. No, you've been supporting the
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Acme Corporation for too long (unknowing, of course, that they are backed by
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none other than Lucifer, the Father of Lies, the Lord of Pestilence. You have
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been supporting evil all this time. This, in itself, is not a bad enough sin
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to be committed to eternal damnation, but only to a long stay in Purgatory.
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You will endlessly sit with all the other fools, talking about how great Acme
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products are, while trying to work the evil out of your soul by doing menial
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tasks for angels. Too bad for you. In short, the Acme company must be
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stopped at all cost, even if the consumers of the United States need to
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declare war on their worthless products and boycott ehm and all their
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affiliates forever, on and on until the Day of Reckoning. There is clearly no
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other way to rid the public of this scourge. Thank you for your time. If you
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read this whole thing, instead of just seeing this huge message and scrolling
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on to the next, ignorant of the dangers brought upon you and your loved ones,
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you are a giant among men. If not, then you are a waste of space that
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deserves the fate you have coming to you.
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.dp.
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Find DFS On These Fine Systems (When they're up...)
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==========================================================================
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| Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ |
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| Temporary Insanity +1.414.666.W00T DFS Affiliate HQ |
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| Arcane Asylum +1.414.PSY.CHOS DFS Thingy HQ |
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| |
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| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS |
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| HTTP - http://www.execpc.com/~adenied
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| See, it's like this. I don't call out, so I don't know if any of my |
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| distros are still up. So they're all GONE! If you want to be a site |
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| mail Access Denied at adenied@execpc.com or call Paradise Lost. |
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| |
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| ASCII Art by Incarnate |
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| |
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| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: |
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| JINGLE JINGLE |
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==========================================================================
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