106 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
106 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
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T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
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|| || || || || || || \\ // ------------------------------------
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H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<<
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|| || || || || \\ || // \\ IPROSE-3.DBC
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E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #011-RT03 -- [10/14/91]
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Irrelevant Prose
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Volume 3: Dancing in the Field of Farmer Brown
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by Random Tox
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A Boy with Aides
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----------------
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Leo was an ordinary kid until about a year ago, when he went to Texas to
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visit his grandmother. He flew back unescorted on the plane. Now he has
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aides. Burdened by this horrible occurrence, Leo lost the normalcy so
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precious to middle school kids, who feel a deep-seated need to "fit in." But
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now Leo is the cause of controversy. Should a child with aides be allowed in
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school?
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They dressed in slick Brooks Brothers suits, gleaming leather shoes
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arching up to the wicked edge of the knifelike creases in their neatly
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pressed pants. Leo's aides discussed every event in great detail, never
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shutting up and continually advising him on everything, keeping him awake at
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night and shattering his concentration. Leo hates aides. Nobody likes aides,
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except perhaps for the President of the United States, who is the world's
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most prominent aides- beleaguered figure.
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Leo has tried to hide from his aides, or to disguise his affliction with
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the old "Uncles from out of town" bit. But now it's public, and many parents
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don't want their sons & daughters in the same classroom as an aides-afflicted
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student. While evidence shows that although annoying and debilitating, aides
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are not contagious and do not cause a distressing reversion to Republican
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ideals as was previously thought, many people still view them as a dangerous
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and potentially fatal malady which can be acquired through casual contact or
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political discussions. Never mind the danger of attending Republican
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caucuses.
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So for now, Leo must endure the criticism and prejudice of his peers and
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neighbors. It wasn't his fault that the plane flight back to Ohio was shared
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with several senators and their lackeys. What does matter is that aides can
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be prevented. Don't fly Air-Sununu.
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More Pasta to You
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-----------------
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It was a dark and stormy night, and the cellar was inundated with water
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to the point that the sump pump jammed and the walls were soaked past the
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level of the fusebox. Dad was electrocuted when he stepped into a shallow
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pool that had gathered on the fifth step to the basement, and fell down the
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flight of stairs, drowning somewhere between the old green paisley sofa and
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the washing machine. Mom was really upset, but at least it meant there was
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more pasta to go around come suppertime.
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The Toy Animal Diet
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I remember the time when my sister, in yet another manic diet, decided
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to lose weight by taking some sort of diet pill. The little red and white
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capsules would expand into a jelly-like substance, filling up your intestines
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and making you feel full. This was neither good enough nor fast enough for my
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sister, and in savage desperation she turned to Kay-Bee toy store and
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swallowed one of those gelatin capsules packed with a randomly selected,
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colored foam zoo animal, the kind that grow to immense size and weight as
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they absorb massive amounts of liquids. The doctor at the hospital presented
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us with a huge purple sponge zebra on a surgical steel platter and my sister
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healed in a few weeks, losing 45 pounds during her stay. The diet worked.
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Petri Dishes
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Virulent diseases are not fun. Don't play with them or tease them. If
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you have a vial or Petri dish with nasty fungal growths or bacteria, do not
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inhale sharply while in the vicinity. Don't even waft it gently in your
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direction. Ha ha. This is not a joke.
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FACT: Ingesting poisonous substances can have an adverse effect on your
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body.
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Don't think, "Hey, it's just a microscopic growth of some sort, it can't
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hurt me. Look how small it is." That's faulty logic. Think of Lego bricks.
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They're small and you can play with them, but if you inhale or swallow it,
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you become ill. Think of microbacteria as deadly Lego bricks.
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A Post-Christmas Tale
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It was eight days after another snowless Christmas, and the earth was
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blanketed in a soft white icing of snow from the night before. Leo half ran,
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half fell down the stairs in the massive, energy burning effort of being the
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first person on the street to break the glistening crust of snow.
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Leo's snowsuit was unbelted, its dirty gray making him blend into the
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outside, a shadow on the white smeared earth. He sprung from his doorstep,
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arms flailing and hurled himself into the new snow, and began making a "snow
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angel", as they were called, sliding his arms and legs every which way. He
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then stopped and listened to the silence of the winter morning, his breath a
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wisp of smoke in the crisp air. He had started to hum the song "White
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Christmas" to himself when he was hit by a snowplow.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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(C)1991 by The Durex Blender Corporation & Random Tox
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All Rights Revered. Even yours.
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*** Spread the word of Turnex, the Blender for the Next Millenium. ***
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The Durex Blender Corporation : Boston (617) 696-8156 - 24oo/8N1 - 24 hours
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