textfiles/magazines/DAMMIT/dam6.txt

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º       Demented Anarchists & Malicious Malignant Inventors of Terror        º
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                  Issue #6 The Fraggin' Pant Saga - Volume 1
                               By: Sir Robin
Editor's Note:
Due to the Request of Gandolf, I am Reprinting something I wrote a LONG, LONG,
time a go. Parts 1 & 2 of the Fraggin' Pants Saga, a Parody of the DragonLance
books... Check em out, if you haven't already. Part 1 is a little revised,
part 2, the first apargraph is old, but a little revised, and then begins the
new stuff, written just now. I'll tell you when the new stuff starts.

Now, we begin!


 Author's Note: Before I start the story, I'd like to introduce the
characters.

 Goldtush: Cleric of Mishy-Moshy.
 Gomer Papercut, Knight of the Onion Ring
 Caravan: Son of a Hill Giant, practically
 Rasinlin: The Mage (Every story HAS to have a Mage, you know.)
 Teacup: Very TERRIBLE Fighter..
 Sassafras Saddlesore: The Klender
 Canibus Half-Intelligent: Half Elf, Half Jell-o pudding
 Frank The Dwarf
 Darth Vader- What's HE doing here?
 Tontowind, The Plain Man
 A partridge in a pear tree.

 The other set of adventurers will be featured in the NEXT story...

          The Beginning- Fraggin Pants Chronicles, Vol.1

   "Sassafras, put down that Ring of Explosion NOW!" Shouted Frank the Dwarf.
Sassafras Saddlesore, The Klender, was rubbing the aforementioned ring, when
suddenly, A half-crazed Orc burst through the door of the tiny room Frank,
Sas, and Their Pal Canibus were staying in.
 "Ick Ack Pfffffft!" Growled Bill the Orc.
 Sas coolly pressed the Button marked "BOOM" on his Ring of Explosion and
threw it at Bill the Orc. The explosion that followed totalled the room, the
Inn, and the Country that Sas and His Companions were staying in.
 "Ooooooops." Said the Klender in a small voice.
 Sas had Said ooops because He and his Companions were standing in an open
area, where the Inn used to be, but the Orc was still standing. Caravan had
enough of this. He grabbed the Orc and stuffed him into the conveinetly placed
juice squeezer. He Turned the Squeezer on, the Orc Screamed his final scream,
and
Caravan Promptly Drank him.
  "Okay, time to go kill Pee-Wee the Dragon now," Uttered Canibus Half-
Intelligent. Frank the Dwarf hurried about and assembled the rest of the
companions.
  "Pee-Wee Dragon is the Ancient Dragon of Exposure, we had best be careful."
said Gomer Papercut.
  The Companions walked down the path, following the signs that proclaimed
"Dragon This way". They came upon an old magician sitting on a log.
  The old Wizard stood up and said "Hello, Name's..... ummmmmmmmm What's my
name? Ummmm Fred Flintstone? No... Fizban? No, that's copyrighted....
FizzleBrain the Not-So-Fabulous, that's it. So, you going to kill Pee-Wee?
Good. So am I. Let's Go!"
  The Bewildered companions looked at each other, sighed, and walked on.
  They came upon a wide clearing, with a BIG sign reporting "Dragon's Lair".
They drew their swords, Teacup accidentally slicing off Frank's beard in the
process. Suddenly, a Giant White Dragon with a Red bow tie swooped down out of
the sky, With one claw holding it's well..... Shall we say, Reproductive
organs. The Dragon Breathed......

                                 Part 2


  The Dragon Breathed........ And nothing came out. The reason why, is because
as the Dragon was about to spew a really Icky Liquid, the Heroes acted.
Caravan started eating the Dragon's Leg, Gomer Papercut screamed "Est
Solitchion ug humingok askion vackuim" Which means "You are a bad guy." in
Onion Ringic.Goldtush began her "Protection from icky dragon breath" spell,
Raisinlin threw Sassafras at the dragon, Canibus Half-Intelligent Drooled on
the Dragon, Tontowind Tried to kick the dragon the 'Reproductive organ" Only
to realize that it wasn't there, and Teacup gutted Frank The Dwarf with her
sword. It was FizzleBrain who actually killed the dragon. He did this by
accidentally casting "Kill the Dragons" spell instead of "Fireballs".
  The heroes stared over the body of the dead dragon. Caravan was still eating
it.....

"On to more adventures!" Shouted Caravan.

So they's went on other adventures. But one night -

Caravan was on watch, and Gomer PaperCut and Flint had disappeared into some
trees, and some pretty strange sounds were coming out form behind those trees.
Caravan heard Rasinlin coughing, and he went over to his brother.

"Rais! Are you HoKayster?"
"Kiss my Ass, Brother." Coughed Rasinlin.
"Look Rais! Bunnies!" Caravan said as he pointed to some squirrels.
Rasinlin calmly pointed a finger at the squirrels, and set them on fire.
Suddenly, A giant Giant came crashing through the woods!
"Use the staff!" shouted Frank the dwarf, running out from behind the trees,
with only his Hanes Boxer shorts on.
So GoldTush Grabbed the Somewhat Off-Color Opaque Orange Staff, and swung it
at the Big Ugly, Scary Giant. The Staff happily broke apart.
"OH FUCK!" Yelled Canibus Half-Intelligent.
Suddenly, from the woods, cam
Lauranathalsaohmygodwhatabigvibratormayitryitoutalsoihaveadeadsquirrelwithafuc
kingfurrytailbutnotmuchelseraisinlindiditohmygodputdownthatgunhelpivebeenshot.
(A Name SO long that the WordPerfect for Windows Spell Checker Bombed out
trying to read it!)
She grabbed her... Turkey Baster and pointed it deftly at the Giant. The giant
destroyed the elf with on step. FizzleBrain Stood up, stretched, and let out a
loud fart. The escaping green cloud from the old mage's ass turned the giant
pale white, causing it to fall over, dead, onto Sassafras and Tontowind.

"Great. How do we get them out from underneath?" said Gomer Papercut from the
bushes.

Caravan Promptly started eating the dead giant.

The next morning was much more nifty. They Heroes of Schmancy Pants decided to
go after The evil Menace known as Tilton the Rich. They heard about him on
Prime Time Live.

The quest took them through many lands, and a few adventures. The first was...

They were looking for the sacred CD and T-Shirt of the Ancient Gods known only
as Metallica. They knew of only one man who possessed this. The Somewhat Mad,
definitely strange, kinda nifty ruler known also only as Sir Robin. They
approached his cave, and entered.


The cave was pitch black, yet the heroes could feel the presence of an ego
trip entering the story.

The Lights came on.

The cave was littered with artifacts. All sortza nifty things. New Mutants and
Lobo Comix, CD's of all sorts, sacred magical machines known as "Computers",
and much more. The Heroes didn't notice that. They noticed the Giant Figure
sitting on the throne of skulls drinking a golden mug of human blood and
holding a really big knife.

"Hi," The figure said. "Howsit goin'?"

"We seek the sacred artifacts of Metallica." Said Gomer Papercut.

"Oh. Them. Well, ok. Better take the sacred tour T-Shirt and CD of Pearl Jam
as well. Good Stuff." Said the Giant figure.

"K.O. Kewl." Said Sas. "We'll take them."

The figure smiled and said "That'll be $45.98."

The companions paid for the stuff and left.

Thats when they noticed the other giant figure just outside the cave, known
only as The orthodontist from Hell. He boomed "Robin! Wear your Goddam
Retainer! We're going to take the fittings for it, then you shall die!"

"Tell ya what," Said Sir Robin to the Heroes. "Kill this shit, and I'll give
you the Utterly Holy&Spiffy MiNiSTRY CD for FREE!"

The heroes lept to action. But it was Frank the Dwarf, attacking with his
Vibrator of Doom, that defeated the Orthodontist. It was not a pretty sight.

Well, and so ends Issue 6.

The entire staff od DAMMiT (All 4 of us) Would like to welcome Gandolf as our
newest Contributing Writer/Idea Man, and The Dark Half as our newest site.
Nifty-Neat-o.

And Mr. Madcap's Quote:
"Pandora's Box is EMPTY!"

and another joke,

The couple arrived at a motel desk and the man asked for a room and a bath.
"Sorry sir," The clerk said, "All we have left is a room without a bath."
The man turned to the woman and said, "Is that okay, Honey?"
"Sure, mister."

                                 <DAMMiT>
      "These are sensations as hard to forget, as they are to ignore."

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