1097 lines
48 KiB
Plaintext
1097 lines
48 KiB
Plaintext
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Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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Written: ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý More
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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March 15th,1993 Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý Now
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ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ
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Ý Ýigger! Ýonger! ÜßÝ Ýnd! Ý Ýairier! Than
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ Ever!
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Presents!
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"BLaH Ejaculation"
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³ by ³
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Guido Sanchez, Constantine, and Lemuel
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À ÄÄ Ù
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:p (r3-N-T/>0 ])u/<shUn) q:
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-=BLaH Inc.=-
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Well, here we are. The long awaited BLaH Return.. we haven't released
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anything in maybe 4 months. Frankly, it depresses me. I always did like
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BLaH because what we wrote may not have been funny to others, or even
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ourselves, but at the time that it was written it was the funniest thing
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in the world to me or whoever else wrote it <probably Connie that
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showoff>. That was the big appeal for me, the reason that I started BLaH
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these 7 months ago; we were spontaneous, we were original, and people
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liked this <i think>. And we're still here. Things have happened to us,
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people have been arrested, boards have been taken down, but the
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collective [egotistical] creative [lame] force that IS BLaH remains and
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is going strong [Connie forced me to do this]. ANYway.. this is sounding
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too much like a lame SNL skit, and I really do hate Kevin Nealon. We've
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got a very Phrackish format this time around. Tons of little gems/sperm
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donated by new and old BLaH presidents alike. All of this sperm
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collectively makes for the largest ejaculation every experienced by this
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or any other country. The jism that IS BLaH will soon be coating every
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keyboard of every computer and will cause such stickiness that the whole
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system will shut down. Oooh.. how anarch-i-rad. We're Bigger, We're
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Longer, We're Hairier, and We're Back.
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-Guido Sanchez, BLaH Prez
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:p (Table of Contents) q:
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Section Author
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Re-Introduction Guido Sanchez
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Table of Contents Doesn't Count, but I Did It
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Crap Loopback A Bunch of Ninnies
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BLaH-- The Way We Were Constantine, Guido Sanchez
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The Guide to BLaHNess Guido Sanchez
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Interview With A Disney Addict Lemuel
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The Big Book of Clergy Humor Guido Sanchez
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BORG Liquidation Guido Sanchez
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Clergy Abuse Seminar Notes Constantine, Guido Sanchez
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St. Patricks Day Parade Notice Guido Sanchez
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BLaH is : Guido Sanchez - BLaH Prez
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Constantine - BLaH Prez
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Lemuel - BLaH Prez
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A bunch of other people with no writing talent whatsoever.
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Big, Long, and Hairy
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BLaH <sigh>ts include but are not limited to:
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The Battle Of Evermore : 312-476-1508 : BLaH Temp-HQ!
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The Obloid Sphere : 708-965-3098 : K-Rad!
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous : 708-251-5094 : Down til.. umm.. sometime, but
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call anyway.
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There are probably others but until they get in contact with me they'll
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just have to grab the new files from ripco like everyone else.
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:p (Crap Loopback!) :q
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Some reader response...
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dear blah,
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i've little in the way of chest, but there's this guy i like who
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must notice me soon. his name is lemuel and i've only talked to him
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once, but i've heard of some .gifs floating around of him. i really
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don't believe that the rumors are true. please prove it by uploading it
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to my bbs. until then, if the lemuel in blah is the real lemuel, i'd
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like to talk to him. please give him my home phone number, but try not
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to pass it out to too many people.
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signed,
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expectant
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Dear Guido,
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Remember that discussion we had a while ago during the '92 Fone
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Sex Picnic? Remember how you were talking about how "that pissant town
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of Waco, Texas should be wiped from the face of the map or I'll use it
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to wipe myself"? Well, I've always secretly admired you and kind of took
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that comment to heart. I and my 107 followers patiently await your
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instructions on the demise of Waco. Thank you for your time.
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Signed,
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David Korush
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P.S.: That pamphlet you wrote on becoming your own messiah, "Now You Too
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Can Be The Light" worked wonders, maybe you really ARE god?
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Dear BLAh!
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I just love your stuff! I have up to issue 55 and put them up on
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my board for download along with the viruii! Have you heard of my board?
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It's called "Hell", and I just started it up a few days ago. Anyway, I
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really like your stuff and found an application which I looked at and
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decided to fill out because I'd really like another group sig behind my
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name. What did you mean in the application by "creative"? AnywayZ, I
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wrote my BLAhfile and even made an ANSi for you from my ANSi group,
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SuSuSuDiO. I hope you like them both!
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l8z...
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The Dark One / Su-Su-SuDiO / GAP
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Herez the ANSi :
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áLàƵ
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<the accompanying text file was a rather insightful adult tfile called
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"Hey Your Mom's Really Nice" which was chock full of clever euphemisms
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for the sex act and organs. There were no line feeds and the author
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added a cryptic final line, "This file downloaded from RipCo", which was
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obviously just added for effect.>
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Dear Guido,
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Where's Nun-Beaters? What happened to BLaH? I keep on calling
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the phone number listed but it just keeps on ringing! What's wrong with
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your modem? Do you need my init string?
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Lord Whizhack
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:p (BLaH-- The Way We Were) q:
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So WHAT happened to us? To BLaH? To Nun-Beaters Anonymous? To that lacy
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pair of underwear that my aunt gave me for Walpurgis? Well, to tell
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the truth, I can't remember. There was some bullshit about how I got
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bored of it, there were rumors flying about that I was a fed board, that
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I was arrested. In fact just the other day I was on a chat line and some
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warezwolvie was talking about NBA and saying that all of the files
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available for DL were infected with viruses. THE ONLY FILES I'VE _GOT_
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ARE TFILES AND VIRUSES! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? Different things happened, I
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kept in contact with some members and occasionally called out only to
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receive countless email to NBA's "new" number, etc. And dammit, I had
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fun doing what I did, which was mainly spread rumors about myself. What
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I did will be chronicled in the future, but for now I'll let Connie out of
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his cage and misconstrue everything for you all. And then it'll be my turn.
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:p (According to Connie...it COULD have happened like THIS) q:
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The night was dark, the kind of cool crimson blackness that settles
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down with the sweet evening blues of a one-man saxophone, or the sliding of
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the inky sea down by the docks on a moonlight night, or perhaps just the
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overdramatic styling of a hack writer who has read one too many 1940's
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detective novels.
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I stood in the puddle of lamplight outside the courthouse, my
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trench coat rippling in the chill wind, wishing I had a cigarrette. I
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don't smoke. I just wished I had a cigarette so I could look cool
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like Joe Camel. But then again, don't we all.
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Clear as yesterday's metaphor, the police report came back to me...
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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CHICAGO P.D. ARREST REPORT CHICAGO P.D.
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September 26, 1992
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12:13 AM
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Suspects in Custody:
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Guido Sanchez
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Nowhere Man <-- attention! notorious hacker!
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Chessman
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Constantine
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Phritz
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IT
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Charges:
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Distributing the "Whore!" computer virus, 8 counts.
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Negligent handling of literary devices, 3 counts.
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Alan-Solomon-degrading, 4 counts.
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Distributing anti-conformist philosophy, 42 counts.
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Nun-Beating, 326 counts.
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Public displays of bad taste, countless.
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Killing Jimmy Hoffa, we just haven't proven it yet.
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Making fun of Tipper Gore, 18 counts.
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Basically begging to be arrested on obscenity charges,
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35 counts.
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Arresting Officer's Notes:
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Just kill the little bastards.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I thought back to when the sentence was handed down, and the look
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in Guido's eyes as he said, "They finally got us. The state nailed us,
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man, and we'll be martyrs forever. Ride the glory trail, for the revolution
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will never die!"
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[Actually, I said, "I know where your family lives. Don't
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incriminate me." -- GuidoNote(TM)]
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Now, months later, I stood outside the courthouse as a door opened
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and a familiar figure was bodily propelled out the door, over the steps and
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onto the lawn in a crumpled heap. He stood, brushed off his black suit, and
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blinked as if seeing the outside world for the first time.
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"Guido...," said I.
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"Ouch," said he. "Bad landing. What issue are we up to?"
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"I've got bad news, Guido. After you got sent up the river, Nun-
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Beaters Anonymous was repossessed by the phone company. [PLUG! 708-251-5094!
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Keep it in yer redial queue until we're back up!] Something about 46 million
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dollars in unpaid long-distance. Chessman got into the papers after he
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flipped-- they called him the Hannibal Lector ["I prefer Ed Geene"--Chessman]
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of the Suburbs. Nowhere Man was so broken-hearted that he deleted his VCL
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2.0 files. Phritz became a nun. And IT is... Well... IT."
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"It can't be," Guido said, "BLaH is dead? We didn't even make it
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to the 50-issue index! And what about... The Herbster?"
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"Hefty Herb is still on the loose."
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He grabbed me by the lapels, shifting into a bad Mexican accent.
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"Humpin' Hesus, man! Something jas to be DONE!"
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"It has!" I cried, "I've made arrangements. Lady CatNinja has--"
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"Lady CatNinja, the world renouned psychic mentioned briefly in
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Hefty Herb part 2, still available at your local BLaH distribution
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site?" [708-251-5094]
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['Nuff said, true believers! -- Stan Lee]
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"Yes! She's created a great data fortress called the Battle of
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Evermore [312-476-1508]! And we have solace there! BLaH _will_ live on!"
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"But... But it's a new and different world out there, Connie!
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I mean, Tipper Gore is four heartbeats from the presidency! And the
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Stormtroopers of Death are on the warpath! And Q101 keeps changing their
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format!"
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"We have help! It's just a matter of time before we round up all
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the old members, at least the ones that are still alive, and we've got new
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writers! Like Lemuel!"
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Guido looked at me with a glimmer of hope in his eye.
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"We can do it, can't we?"
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"We sure can, skipper! Armed with the powers of irreverance,
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common sense, bad taste and a complete disregard for authority, not to
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mention terrible dialogue, we can put BLaH on the map again!"
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We walked off into the rising sun, looking toward the new day. And
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from where I stood, the morning sun looked just like a big "Bob", smiling
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down upon us, pipe puffing with anticipation.
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:p (...And it COULD have happened like this...) q:
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"Breakfast in bed, dear?"
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Guido woke up Connie with a deep sensual kiss. He patted his
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bare ass and broke the lip-lock when he felt Connie begin to reciprocate.
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"Only if it's Jimmy Dean Sausage! Mornin', gorgeous. Last night
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was IN-FUCKing-Credible!"
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Guido rewarded his lover's pun with a morning quickie, remarking
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to himself the remarkability of Connie's remarkable thirteen-inch rod.
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They celebrated the Sabbath by sleeping in, though they HARDly had time
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for sleep. They slept in each other's loving embrace, broke only eight
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hours later when Connie rose to get dressed and go to his crappy job.
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* * *
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That night when Connie returned at 3am, Guido was sitting
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upright in bed.
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"Heya doll, what's the matter? You usually don't wait up for me.
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Something wrong? Were the Mapplethorpe Exhibit tickets sold out?"
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"No, nothing like that," Guido said, pausing to kiss Connie.
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"It's just that something's been on my mind recently."
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"Don't tell me those damn Jehovah's Witnesses stopped by again.
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How many of em did you manage to make cry THIS time?"
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"No, not this time. It's just this little feeling I've got in
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the back of my mind. Oh, nevermind, it's probably nothing."
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"Oh, come on, tell me," Connie insisted. "You ALWAYS do this."
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"Well, umm, don't you ever, uh, feel lonely?"
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"Excuse me? Haven't we been hibernating here for the past 4
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months? If this is lonliness, I'd love to see your idea of homesick!,"
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Connie said with a playful lick to Guido's kneepits.
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"Oh, I didn't mean that, silly," said Guido as he began to knead
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Connie's elbows. "I meant the whole BLaH thing".
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"Oh, well why didn't you SAY so," said Connie as he began to
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[pk]unzip his BellCo workpants. He threw his helmet into the closet and
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began to hyper-ventilate.
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"You sex-fiend! Is that all that's ever on your mind? I meant
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'BLaH'! The old tfile group! I sometimes miss BLaH, the board, that tall
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hindu guy and the rest of the gang."
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"Yah, I know what you mean," said Connie as he strapped on his
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scale armour. "I sometimes wish I could have me a 10-day ware to infect
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with a virus and upload to Warez HQ".
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"Do you think we should get back into that business?"
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"Oh, NOW we're talkin' my language.."
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"Hey! You pedophile!"
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"Necropedophile!"
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"Pyronecropedophile!"
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"Pyronecropedopodophile!"
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"Pyronecropedopodocritophi-"
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Connie silenced Guido's insult with a kiss and they made slow
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gentle love into the morning, pausing only to check out the latest
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infomercials <I've got my Blue Blockers, see?>.
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[GuidoNote: I'm REALLY starting to sicken myself right now.]
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* * *
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"So, what do you really think about getting back into the BLaH
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and NBA stuff?
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Connie paused to unstrap his harness. "Well, if that's what you
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WANT...".
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"Oh, you want it too, admit it".
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"Ok, maybe I do. But what're we gonna do about it? NBA has no
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more computer."
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"What about that Fat-Binger or whatever her name was?"
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"Oh.. you mean Cat-Ninja.. umm, yah I hear she's still got a
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board up."
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"I know how you don't like to talk to females, but maybe you
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could ask her nicely without getting violent this time?"
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"I'll see what I can do. But I haven't used a modem in such a
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long time! What if we've forgotten everything? I'm scared I won't do
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everything the right way!"
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"Don't worry, Connie, I'll be gentle..."
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:p (...But it REALLY happened THIS way...) q:
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So about the middle of November or so, I took the board down.
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BLaH hadn't released anything in almost a month and my ulcer was acting
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up again. I took a vacation for about a week and came back to town
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feeling relieved. NBA was down, BLaH was dead, and there weren't that
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many stresses in my life. I was planning on putting NBA back up in
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December, but my new puter broke and eventually I just got a refund.
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During January my arrest and fine <unrelated, but they both happened in
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January> put a new perspective on things <aka "Don't get caught"> and I
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gave away my really fast modem to Connie and my puter to a friend
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leaving for college <temporary basis, of course>. And now that my fone
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line is back, the computer isn't. I'm in no hurry for it to be back up,
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and if my buddy doesn't come back by the time this is released, it'll
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probably be this summer <early June> before I can get the puter back.
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And as for BLaH... I think the title page explains it all. We're Bigger,
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Longer, and Hairer. A choice for a new generation.
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:p (The Guide to BLaHNess) q:
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The following is a list of quirks and idiosyncrasies (150 of em, in
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fact) that will enable you to achieve the pinnacle of BLaHness to which
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we all aspire. As of March First, only the presidents of BLaH have
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strictly adhered to all of these guidelines. It makes us feel so...
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so... so... Jesuit.
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1. Know what a 'destructicon' is.
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2. Remember the Alamo
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3. Remember Goliad
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4. Remember Hitler's birthday
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5. Remember Syd Barret's birthday
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6. Forget your own birthday
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7. Lie constantly to achieve your own ends
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8. Lie constantly for no reason
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9. Know the literal meaning of "tripe"
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10. Wear an underarm phallus
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11. Wear a Nun-Beaters Anonymous t-shirt
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12. Make your own Nun-Beaters Anonymous t-shirt
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13. STAY AWAY FROM SCHAUMBURG, ILLINOIS
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14. Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit
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15. Shock the monkey
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16. Take everything as a compliment
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17. Try to trick the tooth fairy
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18. Read Judy Blume
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19. Read Nietzsche
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20. Read Franz Kafka
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21. Read Aleister Crowley
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22. Laugh at Aleister Crowley
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23. Watch Liquid Television
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24. Watch Aeon Flux
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25. Never park your hard drive
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26. Call HST boards at 300, wait till they re-init the modem, and then
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type in CONNECT 9600
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27. Pick fights with Sarlo
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28. Make fun of the Smurfs
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29. Make fun of Scooby Doo
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30. Make fun of Phrack
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31. Make fun of Phrack #39
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32. Never make fun of Dispater
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33. Burn things you'll need later
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34. Drink sauerkraut juice
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35. Sing Techno to annoy other people
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36. Bring Jesus into other peoples' lives
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37. Enlighten, Educate, and Eunucize
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38. Eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches
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39. Lace "Just-Say-No" stamps with your favorite oral hallucinogen
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40. Recognize Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries"
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41. Recognize the Carmina Burana
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42. Recognize Inna Gotta Da Vida <and spell it wrong too!>
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43. Ride a goat to Hell
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44. Make fun of Saturday Night Live
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45. Never find another human's ass attractive
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46. Name your children Guido
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47. Name your parents Guido <yes, both of them>
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48. Look for love through the modem <and find it>
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49. Own a laptop
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50. Own a pocket modem
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51. Own a pair of alligator clips
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52. Own a 9/64" drill bit
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53. Read CuD
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54. Go to Qvimby's
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55. Laugh at people who call their grandmother "Maa-Maw"
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56. Pee all that you can pee
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57. Bring the noise
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58. Exploit homophobia
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59. Play Nintendo
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60. Tape your Nintendo to the wall
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61. Sing "Ain't nobody gonna break my stride, nobody gonna pull me
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down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving"
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62. Constantly relive the 80s
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63. Enjoy Woody Allen
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64. Celebrate Columbus Day by claiming a neighbor's backyard for Spain
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65. Celebrate St. Patrick's Day by launching a pogrom against your
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favorite minority
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66. Reply to grafitti
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67. Get pissed at payphones when they make you pay
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68. Play warez older than 10 days
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69. Look like Alex from "A Clockwork Orange"
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70. Make people feel uncomfortable
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71. If it itches, ask someone else to scratch it
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72. Call a mortician for reservations
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73. Inhale other people
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74. Whip it, whip it good
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75. Watch Apocalypse Now
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76. Watch Caligula
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77. Name your cat Moriturum
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78. Laugh at Denis Leary
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79. Laugh at Timothy Leary
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80. Laugh at Beverly Cleary
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81. Advertise your BBS on *Prodigy
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82. Kick the Habit
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83. If it runs away, chase it
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84. Laugh at Shit-Kickin' Jim
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85. Laugh at Shit-Jickin' Kim
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86. Listen to "Nelson"
|
|
87. Listen to "Wilson Phillips"
|
|
88. Read "Highlights for Children"
|
|
89. Look for "Highlights for Adults"
|
|
90. Order "Placenta-K-Bob" for breakfast
|
|
91. Get your mind out of the gutter
|
|
92. Have three-way calling
|
|
93. Use it
|
|
94. Start alliances
|
|
95. Contract a disease
|
|
96. Defy logic
|
|
97. Spread rumors about yourself
|
|
98. Sponsor a plague
|
|
99. Acknowledge that you're not funny
|
|
100. Alienate your peers
|
|
101. Post peoples' voice numbers
|
|
102. Post peoples' voice numbers as BBS #s
|
|
103. Post peoples' voice numbers as BBS #s on *Prodigy
|
|
104. Learn how to shell to DOS in *Prodigy
|
|
105. Read Calvin and Hobbes
|
|
106. Read Fred Basset
|
|
107. Become a false prophet
|
|
108. Win the adoration of millions
|
|
109. Exploit it
|
|
110. Exploit everything
|
|
111. Make fun of everything
|
|
112. Use "BLaH" in normal day-to-day conversation
|
|
113. Visit Guido's house and the surrounding convent
|
|
(* whoah.. I wrote that in the third person.. and I commented it
|
|
like I would a PASCAL program! I feel the Nausea of Jean-Paul
|
|
Sartre! *)
|
|
114. Be able to sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards and in German
|
|
(none of this 'Deutschland Uber Alles' crap)
|
|
115. Hug guys in public
|
|
116. Proclaim to know nothing, yet still preach
|
|
117. Read Daniel Manus Pinkwater
|
|
118. Meet Heep
|
|
119. Distribute COMMAND.COM as a virus
|
|
120. Distribute a text file as a virus
|
|
121. Distribute a virus as a text file
|
|
122. Logon as your user #, always change your handle
|
|
123. Logon to CBASE systems
|
|
124. Make big plans
|
|
125. Give people ORIGINAL tapes and CDs
|
|
126. Send someone's real information to them in email
|
|
127. Shift tenses
|
|
128. Watch MST3k
|
|
129. Know what the fuck I am talking about
|
|
130. Announce to the world your devotion to another human's kneepits
|
|
131. Never use that Deja Vu cliche in a way purported to be witty
|
|
132. Never use that Deja Vu cliche in a way purported to be witty
|
|
133. Oh god I can't believe I just did that
|
|
134. Watch infomercials
|
|
135. Sneeze on your computer screen
|
|
136. Never use Word Perfect
|
|
137. Never use Windows
|
|
138. Have a 40 meg hard drive
|
|
139. Have a 2400 baud modem
|
|
140. Have a 286-12
|
|
141. Repeat yourself
|
|
142. Ok, I gave in to that last one, but I won't do it this time
|
|
143. Piss off Nowhere Man
|
|
144. Masturbate
|
|
145. Masturbate some more
|
|
146. Use alt-keys to draw Ext-Asskey chars
|
|
147. Support the next Inquisition
|
|
148. Correspond with Pat Robertson
|
|
149. Have a "Clergy Parking Only" sign hanging over your toilet
|
|
150. Read BLaH and make fun of it
|
|
|
|
Well, this was really just a space filler mind-jackoff. These memories
|
|
of the past were welling forth once more so I took advantage of my
|
|
exhibitionary capabilities and spewed them forth onto your computer
|
|
screen. Better wipe it up before the keyboard gets sticky.
|
|
|
|
--Guido Sanchez
|
|
|
|
:p (Interview With A Disney Addict) :q
|
|
|
|
The following are excerpts from a telephone interview conducted with a
|
|
teenager addicted to Disney movies, herein referred to as "Walt," at his
|
|
suggestion. I am not making this up: all of this is the sad truth...
|
|
|
|
Lemuel: So, "Walt," how long have you been addicted to Disney
|
|
movies?
|
|
|
|
Walt: Hmmm...I'd say about four months, going on five.
|
|
|
|
L: What started you on this hideous course?
|
|
|
|
W: Well, I'd have to say that it began with my first full screening
|
|
of _Beauty and the Beast_, which was in November. But the actual
|
|
symptoms of addiction, the depression and all, didn't set in until
|
|
I watched _The Little Mermaid_, and then the symptoms even became
|
|
greater when I saw _Aladdin_ in the theater.
|
|
|
|
L: So are these the only movies the only movies you're addicted to?
|
|
|
|
W: So far, yes, but I'm anticipating _Pocahantas_ in 1994.
|
|
|
|
L: Then you're not into the more classic material, say, like _Snow White_
|
|
or _Cinderella_?
|
|
|
|
W: Actually, I haven't seen _Snow White_, but I did see _Cinderella_
|
|
however; I really liked the movie, but something about it, I dunno,
|
|
maybe Cinderella wasn't hot enough, didn't catch my interest as the
|
|
others did.
|
|
|
|
L: I take it that you're attracted to the Disney heroines then?
|
|
|
|
W: Oh, definitely, I'd say so.
|
|
|
|
L: What do you find so attractive about these animated temptresses?
|
|
|
|
W: With Ariel, I'd have to say the conch shells did it. I don't know,
|
|
but I'd never seen a Disney character in a bra before. Then there
|
|
was Belle. I guess she was very pretty, as her name meant in
|
|
French [note: here one can observe his obsession most clearly;
|
|
he has spent many hour researching and analyzing the names of
|
|
Disney characters], but throughout the whole movie she was wearing
|
|
these annoyingly unrevealing clothes. First there was the, I guess,
|
|
"servant girl" get-up, then there was the, the, uh, "red-riding-hood
|
|
coat," later that florescent yellow dress, I guess. You couldn't
|
|
even see any cleavage through any of those. As for Jasmine, I guess
|
|
I saw enough of that kind of costume in "I Dream of Jeanie," but
|
|
her voluptuous curves and perky breasts got the best of me.
|
|
|
|
L: Geez, what's with you? These are just cartoon characters you're
|
|
talking about!
|
|
|
|
W: Cartoons to _you_ maybe, but in my dreams they manifest themselves as
|
|
real women -- very real. I guess you just have to have seen these
|
|
movies to know what I've been experiencing.
|
|
|
|
L: Uh, okay... I understand that your obsession goes as far to cause
|
|
you to repeatedly draw these characters over and over, is this
|
|
true?
|
|
|
|
W: Yes, this is true, even though I have almost no drawing talent,
|
|
I attempt to replicate the heavenly work of the Disney animators. I
|
|
guess I draw them out of a, umm, desire to create these dolls on
|
|
my own, a sort of parental urge if you will. With my fathering
|
|
of these women, I can really get a sense of relationship with
|
|
them. Oh, and it justifies their calling me 'Daddy' and other
|
|
things.
|
|
|
|
L: And other things? I can assume you have perverted plans for them?
|
|
|
|
W: I'm not *that* good of an artist yet, but my imagination compensates
|
|
for that when necessary.
|
|
|
|
L: Do you collect books, figurines, and so on, of these movies?
|
|
|
|
W: I would collect figurines, but I do have some limits to my shame.
|
|
Maybe I'll buy some for my little brother as a birthday present.
|
|
|
|
L: Let's move on. What do you think about the leading, um, 'men' in the
|
|
movies? Do you feel any jealousy towards them? For example, what
|
|
do you think of the Beast, or the Genie in _Aladdin_? Are they
|
|
as appealing as the women? Not sexually I mean, but in a
|
|
platonic sense.
|
|
|
|
W: I really liked the Genie in _Aladdin_, he made me laugh. I like
|
|
people who can make me laugh. As for the Beast, I remain rather
|
|
neutral toward him. There's really no feeling of jealousy
|
|
because, after all, they're just animated drawings and can't
|
|
really compete with a human such as I.
|
|
|
|
L: Yet your addiction drives you to collect the soundtracks to all of
|
|
these movies, am I correct?
|
|
|
|
W: Well, not all. So far I only have _Aladdin_, but I have _Beauty and
|
|
the Beast_ on order... I would have taken _The Little Mermaid_, only
|
|
Columbia House didn't have it.
|
|
|
|
L: But you taped the soundtrack from _The Little Mermaid_ right off the
|
|
videotape?
|
|
|
|
W: Yes, I did, but that's not the soundtrack, that's the entire movie
|
|
itself. I listen to it when I'm feeling down. It helps me "be
|
|
regular."
|
|
|
|
L: In the digestive sense?
|
|
|
|
W: No, in the emotional sense.
|
|
|
|
L: Don't you recognize this as a symptom of dependency?
|
|
|
|
W: Why yes I do, I was one of the first to notice, but, well, what can
|
|
you do? When you're dependent, you're dependent. I'd hate to have
|
|
to experience withdrawl symptoms.
|
|
|
|
L: Isn't it your dream to eventually transfer Disney moves onto
|
|
your computer, so you can enjoy them with a simple command?
|
|
|
|
W: Yes, but I'm afraid that dream might not come true... It turns out
|
|
that NTSC conversion boards are much more expensive than I had
|
|
realized, and I don't know if my two-gig drive will be enough to
|
|
hold all of _Aladdin_. And that "Flounder" VGA virus that was
|
|
going around a while ago turned out to be just a big fish story.
|
|
|
|
L: Tell us about the "superdub" you made of "A Whole New World" [a
|
|
song from _Aladdin_].
|
|
|
|
W: Well, actually, that's just the first in a series of "superdubs."
|
|
|
|
L: Tell everyone what a "superdub" is.
|
|
|
|
W: Well, a "superdub" is when I repeat a song throughout the whole
|
|
length of a tape, back and front. For example, I have an estimated
|
|
forty to fifty copies of "A Whole New World" on one tape, taking
|
|
up that whole tape.
|
|
|
|
L: Why?!
|
|
|
|
W: Well, see, I don't have a CD player in my room, so I can't put on
|
|
repeat mode. So instead I make these tapes. What other way is
|
|
there to go to sleep than with that music playing through my ears?
|
|
|
|
L: You go to bed with this music on?
|
|
|
|
W: Yes, I do. I go to bed every night with the hope that my "liquid
|
|
somnambulisms" will revolve around the female characters in the
|
|
songs, if you know what I mean...
|
|
|
|
L: Walt, let me put this bluntly -- you get off on Disney women, don't
|
|
you? You want nothing more than to have your way with them, am
|
|
I right?
|
|
|
|
W: Well, what's wrong with that? Isn't it normal? And besides, it's
|
|
not like I do it when I'm conscious...my mind is an untamed horse.
|
|
If it endeavors to find sexual pleasure in Disney heroines, then
|
|
so be it. In fact...it's happening right now, as I speak...
|
|
images of orgies with all three; Belle, Jasmine, and Ariel; dance
|
|
around my head. I want them. I want their Technicolor, ink-drawn
|
|
bodies, their...well-rounded, sexy curves, and their gigantic
|
|
eyes. [At this point, the conversations breaks down, with Walt
|
|
moaning and repeatedly crying "deeper Jasmine, deeper!" "yes, that's
|
|
it babe, bring me into a whole new world!" and "take me, Ariel, take
|
|
me under the sea!" Suddenly, there is maniacal laughter and then
|
|
a slow sigh from the other end of the phone. Too disgusted to
|
|
continue, I say...]
|
|
|
|
L: Well, Walt, thank you for your time. Go enjoy yourself...
|
|
|
|
W: Wait, I'm not done yet! Don't you want hear about my Disney sheet
|
|
music or my dreams of editing some _Little Mermaid_ .GIFs I have?
|
|
Or my plans to render the ballroom scene from _Beauty and the Beast_
|
|
in 3-D Studio? How about the _Aladdin_ studio bootlegs I'm getting?
|
|
|
|
L: Goodbye Walt.
|
|
|
|
W: No, don't hang up...wait!
|
|
|
|
[CLICK]
|
|
|
|
:p (The BIG Book of Clergy Humor) :q
|
|
|
|
The following is a compilation of my favorite nun/general clergy
|
|
jokes that have graced my ears/eyes/toes over the past few days while I
|
|
attended a seminar on dealing with clergy abuse in Vatican City, Las
|
|
Vegas.
|
|
|
|
Nun-Beaters Anonymous : Kick The Habit!
|
|
|
|
Q: What's Black and White and Red all over and can't get through a
|
|
revolving door?
|
|
A: A nun with a spear through her head!
|
|
|
|
Q: What's Black and White and Red all over and walks around in circles?
|
|
A: A nun with a spear through her foot!
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
|
|
A: Dress her up as an altar boy!
|
|
<or>
|
|
A: You fuck her! <with a tip of the hat to Andrew Lee Harvey Wilkes
|
|
Clay or whatever the hell his name is...>
|
|
|
|
Q: What's black and white, black and brown, black and black?
|
|
A: A nun on a spit!
|
|
|
|
Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and green?
|
|
A: Three nuns fighting over a pickle!
|
|
|
|
Q: What's black and white, blackand white, blackandwhite, blacknwhite,
|
|
blackwhite, blackwhite, blackwhite?
|
|
A: A nun rolling down a hill!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun with a sprained ankle at a rock concert?
|
|
A: Twisted Sister!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call it when a group of monks throw some nuns down a well?
|
|
A: A cistern!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call towns in-habit-ed by nuns?
|
|
A: Sister Cities!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun sitting in a fruit bowl?
|
|
A: A ba-nun-a!
|
|
|
|
Q: What does a nun who smokes have?
|
|
A: A bad habit!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun prison?
|
|
A: A con-vent!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun with a frock made of titanium?
|
|
A: A hard habit to break!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you give a nun on Valentine's Day?
|
|
A: A dozen rosaries!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun in a hospital?
|
|
A: The administrator!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun at a masquerade ball?
|
|
A: A blessing in disguise!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
|
|
A: A Sister-In-Law!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun at a bar?
|
|
A: Unlikely!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun on Rush Street<*> between 11pm and 2am?
|
|
A: Mary Magdalene!
|
|
|
|
<*> - Rush Street, a street in Chicago known for its prostitutes, for
|
|
you people who don't even know who Casmir Pulaski was..
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun in a palm tree?
|
|
A: A coco-nun!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun in Israel?
|
|
A: Wasting her time!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun on a stairmaster?
|
|
A: A Step-Sister!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun in a hydraulic press?
|
|
A: An oreo!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun on a nude beach?
|
|
A: Someone without any habits!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a nun after a cannibal barbecue?
|
|
A: A half-sister!
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are they called nuns?
|
|
A: Because they don't get nun! <lamelamelamelame>
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you describe a nun with a hammer?
|
|
A: Habitual!
|
|
|
|
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were touring Europe and had an
|
|
extended layover in Rome. They are given a special audience in front of
|
|
the Pope, and Dopey stumbles forward eagerly to ask him a question.
|
|
"Mr. Pope! Mr. Pope! Do you have any nuns in New York City?"
|
|
"Why yes, Dopey, we do", replied the Pope.
|
|
"What about Los Angeles? And Waco?"
|
|
"Yes, Dopey, we've got nuns all over the United States."
|
|
"Hmm.. what about France? And England?"
|
|
"Yes, Dopey, we do."
|
|
"What about Fiji, New Zealand, and French Guinea?"
|
|
"Yes, Dopey, we have nuns all over the world."
|
|
At this Dopey paused a minute and again posed a question. "Mr.
|
|
Pope", he said, "do you have nuns in Antarctica?"
|
|
"No, Dopey, I'm afraid we don't." came the reply.
|
|
At that, the rest of the dwarves broke into a rousing chorus of
|
|
"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
|
|
|
|
Sister Mary Something is presiding over her first grade bible
|
|
studies class and is asking each student what they'd like to be when
|
|
they've grown up.
|
|
Little Martin Majerski says, "I wanna be a doctor!"
|
|
Tough Joseph Cruz says, "I wanna be a fireman!"
|
|
Adorable Mary O'Brien says, "I wanna be a prostitute!"
|
|
At this, Sister Mary faints and falls to the ground. Another nun
|
|
rushes in and revives the good Sister. She asks what the matter is.
|
|
Sister Mary Something asks Mary O'Brien what she wants to be when she
|
|
grows up and elicits the same response.
|
|
"I wanna be a prostitute!"
|
|
"Oh thank God," sighed Sister Mary, "I thought she said
|
|
'Protestant'."
|
|
|
|
Two nuns are being raped by two men. The first nun accepts the
|
|
blasphemous act very passively, blessing the man and repeating over and
|
|
over again, "Do not condemn them, O Lord, for they know not what they
|
|
do..". The other nun says, between gasps, "This one sure does!".
|
|
|
|
A nun is driving home to see her parents one Christmas when her
|
|
car runs out of gas on a major Texas highway. On the side of the road,
|
|
she gets out of the car and sits down by the side of the road. The
|
|
combination of the hazzard lights and the sight of a nun sitting on the
|
|
side of the road prompt a man to slow down and ask what he can do for
|
|
her. She reveals that she is out of gas and would appreciate any help
|
|
she can get. The man admits that he's got plenty of gas, but nothing to
|
|
put it in. The nun thinks for a moment and then remembers that the only
|
|
container she has in her car is an old bedpan from her convent. The man
|
|
fills it up with a few gallons and goes on his way with her blessing.
|
|
The nun opens up her gas tank and begins to fill it with the gasoline.
|
|
Another man is driving by with his wife in his car and happens to see
|
|
this out his window. He turns to his wife and says, "Look, honey.. now
|
|
THAT'S what _I_ call faith..."
|
|
|
|
[Get it? He saw her emptying the BEDPAN! Oh! The Humor!]
|
|
|
|
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the
|
|
bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and
|
|
wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees, but the
|
|
nun explains she can't have sex with anyone who is married because it
|
|
would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The
|
|
nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in
|
|
the ass [this means anal sex, kiddies!]. The bus driver agrees again and
|
|
being the only people on the bus, the go in the back [ooh! an innuendo!]
|
|
and take care of business [this means anal sex as well, boys and girls].
|
|
When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver says to
|
|
the nun, "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have
|
|
three kids." The nun replied, "That's okay, I have a confession too. My
|
|
name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
|
|
|
|
Thanks must go out to Silver Surfer for reading me some of this shit
|
|
over the phone. And to Katie, the little elf lord that could.
|
|
|
|
:p (BORG Liquidation) q:
|
|
|
|
<For The Trekkies..>
|
|
|
|
Howdy Friends!
|
|
|
|
You've heard that old saying "Resistance is Futile" countless of times.
|
|
Well I'm here to tell you that not only is it futile, it's 60% off!
|
|
That's right, it's the
|
|
|
|
BORG Liquidation Sale
|
|
|
|
and EVERYTHING must go!
|
|
|
|
We've got fusion stabilizers, integrity compensators, and the latest and
|
|
the greatest in cybernetic implants <great for the kids!>. Chests-of-
|
|
Nurseries for those families with newborn litters are 70% off!
|
|
Everything in the store is 50% and up off. Nifty Red-Light 'Locutus'-
|
|
effect helmets are two for the price of one. With every purchase, you get
|
|
a free bone structure of a race we've personally made extinct. With
|
|
prices like these, you can't afford NOT to assimilate your butt on over
|
|
to "Two-From-Five's Bargain Cube", where you always get more pizza.
|
|
|
|
:p (Clergy Abuse Seminar Notes) q:
|
|
|
|
Notes on the 48th Annual Clergy Abuse Seminar
|
|
Vatican City, Las Vegas
|
|
"The Most Pious Little Fleshpot North of Tijuana"
|
|
|
|
[This file was reconstructed from the cocktail-napkin scrawlings
|
|
of the BLaH staff after the three-day Clergy Abuse seminar, and
|
|
the subsequent 5-day hangover and 12-week Betty Ford recovery
|
|
period. We present it in the hope that it aids our little nun-
|
|
beating friends everywhere. [GuidoNote[TM]]]
|
|
|
|
I. Motivations for the Nun-Beating Habit <ouch>
|
|
1. Fun
|
|
2. Personal Gain
|
|
a. Thieves
|
|
b. Habit Collectors
|
|
c. Rosicrucians
|
|
3. Revenge for
|
|
a. Crusades
|
|
b. Inquisition
|
|
c. Elementary School
|
|
d. Great penguin massacre of the Falken Islands
|
|
4. Excercise [see following outline]
|
|
5. Jealousy
|
|
a. Men who are jealous of women who steal their men
|
|
b. Freud's theory of 'Habit Envy'
|
|
6. Fashion Statement
|
|
a. The 'abusive' look of the 90s
|
|
b. Black and white clash - need some red
|
|
7. <Gasp!> Free Will
|
|
8. Manipulation by Evil Forces
|
|
a. Satan
|
|
b. Guido Sanchez
|
|
c. Pat Robertson
|
|
9. Fight the capitalist/papist monopoly of the global ruler
|
|
market.
|
|
10. Because of rising apathy in the caucasian suburbs combined
|
|
with the effects of youth gangs and unemployment, culminating
|
|
in unprecidented violence directed at authority figures such as
|
|
nuns, priests, and certain shopping mall security goons...
|
|
|
|
II. Favorite Nun-Beating (Sigh)ts
|
|
1. The Nun Arena and other convents.
|
|
2. The Pope's bedroom.
|
|
3. The basement of Moody Bible College
|
|
[Don't miss the cockfights and male strippers there, on
|
|
alternating Sunday nights!]
|
|
4. Sister Cities
|
|
5. Joe Fred Foster's house (oops, that's nun-beating, not
|
|
beating off..)
|
|
6. An NBA Rally
|
|
7. Guido's front porch
|
|
8. Inaugural Ball
|
|
9. Other areas fully sanctioned by the WNBF <World Nun-Beating
|
|
Federation>
|
|
|
|
III. Nun-Beating influenced by Heavy Metal Lyrics
|
|
1. The Dead Nuns song "Kill Them Nuns Dead"
|
|
2. The Bad Habits song "I Was a Teenage Nun-Beater"
|
|
3. The Clerigal Genocide song "Frock You!"
|
|
4. Any song by Twisted Sister
|
|
5. Soundtrack from "Sister Act"
|
|
a. Whoopie just CAN NOT SING
|
|
b. They stole the 'habit' pun from NBA
|
|
6. Gregorian Chant - It's not just for monks anymore
|
|
|
|
IV. Tools for a Routine Nun-Beating Expedition
|
|
1. Running shoes
|
|
2. Nightsticks
|
|
3. K-RaD ninja outfits or fatigues
|
|
4. A lasso
|
|
5. Marshall, Will and Holly
|
|
6. Barry Manilow 8-track library
|
|
7. Battering ram
|
|
8. Gatling gun
|
|
9. Cane with the word "mexico" carved into it
|
|
10. Sisters of Mercy tape collection
|
|
11. VCL 2.0
|
|
12. A rubber chicken
|
|
13. Groucho Marx glasses
|
|
14. A rubber chicken
|
|
15. A rubber chicken
|
|
16. A rubber chicken
|
|
[NOTE- the above list was recovered from one of
|
|
Constantine's cocktail napkins; while he remained in a
|
|
stupor at presstime, it is popularly believed he was either
|
|
trying to invent a new mixed drink or crying out for help
|
|
at the time this was written.]
|
|
|
|
V. What to Do When Caught Nun-Beating
|
|
1. Claim temporary sanity
|
|
2. Say Jimmy Swaggart made you do it
|
|
3. Say it was a dare
|
|
4. Confess to killing JFK-- they'll forget the lesser charge.
|
|
5. Produce Jimmy Hoffa
|
|
6. Demand to call your lawyer, then demand they find you a
|
|
lawyer to call, then demand they negotiate with the lawyer
|
|
to get you out of your contract and find a better lawyer,
|
|
and so on.
|
|
7. Ask for forgiveness from the good catholick
|
|
8. Tell the arresting officers that their shoes are untied,
|
|
then run REAL FAST.
|
|
9. Do the Watusi
|
|
10. Say twelve Hail Marys and three Rosaries
|
|
|
|
VI. Nun-Beating as a Hobby and Popular Sport
|
|
1. It's great exercise
|
|
a. Anaerobic Beating - using a cane
|
|
b. Aerobic Beating - using your bare fists
|
|
c. Thighmasters for nuns
|
|
d. Soloflex for nuns
|
|
2. Releases tension
|
|
3. Something to do on a Sunday night when there's no
|
|
cockfighting or strippers at Moody Bible.
|
|
4. Annoys your parents
|
|
5. Really annoys the nuns
|
|
6. Get in shape for Olympics
|
|
7. It's more fun than trading WaReZ
|
|
8. Unlike WaReZ TrAdInG, you can feel good about yourself
|
|
afterwards.
|
|
9. Off-Track Beating - Illegal or Tax-Deductable?
|
|
|
|
VII. Little Known Facts about Nun-Beating
|
|
1. Biggest Nun-Arena : The Habitdome in Clergyland, USA
|
|
2. Frowned upon by the Catholick Church <THERE'S a surprise>
|
|
3. It's easy to get a license <see insert later on>
|
|
4. The job opportunities are endless
|
|
5. It's legal in 49 states <sorry, tennessee>
|
|
6. First case diagnosed in 1986, in a Bloom County Cartoon
|
|
7. Your enrollment in NBA is covered by most major medical insurance
|
|
|
|
Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step towards making
|
|
fun of the problems of other people.
|
|
|
|
:p (St. Patrick's Day Parade Notice) q:
|
|
|
|
Oh boy, kiddies, it's that time of year again. Yes, just like
|
|
last year's successful Colombus Day Invasion/Media Event, it's come time
|
|
once again to resort to extremism to expose the farce that IS 'American'
|
|
tradition. Hopefully this file'll be released on St. Patrick's Day,
|
|
maybe before, and if so, here's a call to arms. I look back on my
|
|
ignorant kindergarten years <as opposed to my current ignorant college
|
|
years> and I can remember the great mistruths taught to me by a public
|
|
school system. Fondly I remember making fun of the Democrat boy in class
|
|
and having fun because I was glad that my peers had stopped picking on
|
|
me for a few moments; moments in which I felt united with my peers as
|
|
singling out the enemy and ostracizing him. I remember what happened if
|
|
a kid forgot to wear green to school on St. Patrick's Day. I remember
|
|
how I purposefully wore white and red just so that the other kids would
|
|
provide me with the physical contact that I was so starved for. I
|
|
remember learning that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland and
|
|
converted all of Ireland to Christianity. I remember six years later
|
|
learning that the snakes were actually pagans that were beheaded by
|
|
that jolly ol' pillar of Irish tradition. I remember learning that for
|
|
each of Patrick's 300 churches founded in Ireland thousands of pagans
|
|
were executed. I remember learning the capacity of my hatred for an
|
|
institution such as the Catholick church and trying to keep myself
|
|
from gagging when people used the adjective 'christian' in a sense of
|
|
goodwill. Next thing you know we'll all be celebrating National
|
|
Holocaust Appreciation Week. Ah, the glorious Catholick church which
|
|
claims to be the universal religion but fails to mention that it's only
|
|
true if you live in a universe of Catholicks. Enough of the ranting,
|
|
it's time to describe an action which will probably never take place
|
|
but will give all who read this a good chuckle nonetheless.
|
|
In a city near you there's bound to be a St. Paddy's Day Parade,
|
|
sponsered by old men with old ideas. Such a display of joy at being
|
|
Catholick and celebrating genocide hasn't visited your town since last
|
|
Colombus Day. So here's what to do. Start your own parade. Make it
|
|
official or don't. Attract media attention, as much as you can, and doll
|
|
it up like the Chinese New Year parade. Instead of dragons, dress up as
|
|
snakes. Try and do this concurrently with the St. Paddy's Day parade,
|
|
and when they turn the corner onto Whatever St., start running from
|
|
them. Shriek like a woman, scream bloody murder, wail like a banshee. If
|
|
excercise is bad for you, you might try holding a pagan festival in the
|
|
intended throughfare. Hold Beltene a bit early this year. Light some
|
|
fires and drive animals betwixt them. Abstain from alcohol. Anything to
|
|
display the fact that you're NOT IRISH, NOT CATHOLICK, AND PROUD OF IT!
|
|
|
|
:p (Braingames is Now... Over) q:
|
|
|
|
So this is the end. But not really. BLaH is back and bad, so
|
|
look for the latest tfiles on a board near you. Thanks really must go
|
|
out to Connie, Nowhere Man, Dagobert the Sane, Lady Catninja, PuD,
|
|
Alabama Freaks everywhere, and anyone else who's ever read one of our
|
|
files, snickered, and said to themselves, "I could do much better." If
|
|
you can be spontaneous, maybe you'd like to join BLaH. Send an original
|
|
work to one of the BLaH <sigh>ts in the "BLaH C-/<rUt" file base.
|
|
|
|
Copyright Notice :
|
|
|
|
The works herein are not copyrighted in any way. They may be replicated
|
|
and distributed by any means you can think of. From paperform to skin,
|
|
from filedata to personal ads, BLaH is public domain. Claim it as your
|
|
own, burn it in the streets, or just use it to wipe like I do.
|
|
|
|
We're Gonna Fuck the Schoolboy..
|
|
Guido Sanchez
|
|
|
|
{End of File. Propaganda Line. End of File. Propaganda Line. End of File.}
|
|
|
|
The theme song to "Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego?" Can be played
|
|
on your touchtone phone <wyTe-b0x f0r u phreA/<z> by dialing "2-2-2-6-6-
|
|
1-1-1-1-2-2".
|
|
|
|
Right now someone is building something out of paper mache.
|
|
|
|
BLaH <sigh>ts include
|
|
|
|
The Battle of Evermore <312>476-1508
|
|
The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
|
|
|
|
and RipCo and HellPit will most likely carry the stuff as well.
|
|
|
|
|
|
{---The Deathpony Shakes His Bloody Mane... We Have Returned!---}
|