194 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
194 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 21, 1994
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#045 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"Gentlemen Prefer Feminists"
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³ by ³
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Guido Sanchez
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À ÄÄ Ù
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Intro:
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=-=-=-
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Okay, so as anyone who saw Sarlo and I on ChicagoLand TV News serenading
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a fundamentalist christian with our testosterone-laden version of "every
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sperm is sacred" knows, I am an activist. Sometimes I generalize and
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advocate this cause over the other, but usually it's them sensitive 90s
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issues that intrigue me.. be it pro-choice, pro-woman, pro-gay,
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pro-child neglect, it really doesn't matter what the cause is.. the fact
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of the matter is I'm starved for attention and really need to get out
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more. Some guys go to church, some go to bars, and still others turn to
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#h0tlatinluv on IRC to pick up wimmin.. but me, I go to feminist
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rallies..
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Chycks -N- Bytchs:
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Don't get me wrong, I'm still a 90s kinda guy.. P.C. and all that.. but
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when I was talking a few issues ago about looking for patterns and
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acting on them later, I was serious.. and in my 4 years of attending
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clinic defense sessions and Pro-Woman rallies, I've gleaned two crucial
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concepts concerning relationships and sex. First, losing your virginity
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apparently hurts a lot.. and second, chycks dig angry youth who are more
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enraged at Da Man than they are. It's the classic 80s and before attitude
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that women like it when you take charge modded for modern times...
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namely, gRRRls get off on letting the guy assert authority in these
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matters.. it's a perverse twist on the classic feminist theme, but hey,
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who am I to dispute social mores? Only thing I can do is exploit it and
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make it work to my advantage. And for mindfuck fans such as myself, it's
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no longer become a question of merely forcing myself on the average
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angry teenage NOW member, but convincing her that she really wants it to
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the point where I coyly play hard to get and whisper things like "are
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you sure this is what you want?" when I damn well know that if the
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answer were no I'd go on anyway.. it's all a question of making a girl
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believe SHE'S making the choice.. that mixed in with the thrill of the
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deception would give any man a sense of accomplishment.. the feeling
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that this orgasm was earned.. and we leave those stained sheets on the
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bed like a badge.. a badge that shows CONTROL.. a badge that indicates
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HONOR.. a badge that screams, hey.. I'm a 90s kind of guy who can give
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you a 90s kind of orgasm... hot day-amn!
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If you don't wanna be raped, just consent
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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And the beauty of this beast, fellow BLaHsters, is the SHIT I GET AWAY
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WITH in the face of feminists.. I can make as many sexist jokes as I
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like and my sisters in oppression will laugh heartily because they know
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"how I really feel" about such issues. Maybe it's singing chauvanist
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songs advocating teen anorexia like "You're Too Fat For Me" ['We weighed
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her on the slaughterhouse scales / she tipped in at one-oh-three. / Find
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yourself a new man, bitch / cause you're too fat for me' Lyrics
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reprinted by permission of The BLaH Experience, send 2$ for a demo tape
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to address below] or telling battered wife jokes, it doesn't seem to
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matter. Once you're in, nothing seems to piss them off. I must admit,
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the first Woman's Day I ever went to downtown at the urging of a friend
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of mine <'hey let's go pick up some chycks downtown.. I know just the
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place'> I only went to because I figured all the Women of Chicago were
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going to get together and cook all the Men a big meal or something..
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imagine my surprise when I was handed a placard and a chant sheet with
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catchy songs like "2,4,6,8 / how do you know your gramma's straight" and
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the like.. I figured all the marching was building up to some climax,
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and the only reason there were other guys there too is that they were
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expecting like a mass footrub session after this lengthy 8 block march.
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I was sadly disappointed when we arrived at a lecture hall and sat and
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listened to these ugly old women talk about being raped and stuff..
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telling myself that they should be so lucky to still get any action at
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their age.. funny thing is, after I'm finished writing this I'll
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probably show it to all my feminist friends and they'll laugh and laugh,
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assuming I wrote it as a joke or something and never suspecting it to be
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the sort of dark confession it's turning out to be.. but it's more than
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that.. it's advice to guys who, like me, are physically painful to look
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at and need that extra edge to achieve any reasonable semblance of a
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lovelife and must resort to needless deception to make up for my many
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male inadequacies. What a perfect leadin..
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Guilt: My aphrodisiac of choice
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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after the initial revulsion and boredom that follows a few seminars
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where you learn that you, having a penis, ARE in fact, the devil.. wear
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it like a badge and the babez will line up around the block.. guilt is a
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priceless commodity in the world of the sensitive guy.. bathe yourself
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in it until women see your aura of penitence is as golden as the highway
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they will soon pave to that sacred temple twixt their legs.. some other
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helpful behavioral tips include
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- cry often
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- get angry even more often
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- be vulnerable
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- become easily provoked
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- learn to see indications of a male dominated society in even the most
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innocent things.. such as..
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: Mother : hah, the very title implies that her only function is
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to cater to her children, mostly male.. what about HER
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needs?
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: Science : Scientists are rapists of Mother Nature! The goal of
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Science is to gain knowledge of Nature, and DO YOU SEE
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HER CONSENTING? DO YOU?
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: Flowers : pistels AND stamen? with all of these mixed
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messages, how can you expect them to be comfortable with
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their sexuality? THEY'RE _AMERICAN_ FLOWERS, DAMMIT, AND
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THEY HAVE RIGHTS TOO!
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: Semantics : History? WHAT ABOUT _HER_STORY, HUH? Who cares
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about the original greek roots! And then there's
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HISPANIOLA... WHAT ABOUT HERSPANIOLA?!?! dammit, I'm
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pissed <grr>
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- ask girls about their periods and childbirth with a wistful look in
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your eyes.
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- Listen to gRRl music <Liz Phair, Bikini Kill, L-7, Babes in Toyland,
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Tori Amos, etc>
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Don't Let It Get To Your Head
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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If you follow my How-To advice you're sure to score some snatch that
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comes equipped with a zipper and a lock, and will quickly get bored with
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how easy it will become to do so. My advice is then to expand your
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horizons, maybe do some volunteer work with national feminist
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organizations and branch out to other groups filled with women who are
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easily preyed upon by men who can earn their sympathy.. Amnesty
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International is such a haven, and ANY Animal Rights group.. <PETA,
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MEoW, etc> is a good place to start. But be careful. These tactics are
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_not_ for every wacko fringe group. What works on your average
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mainstream university campus sob group isn't necessarily going to work
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at a national meeting of Sisters For Socialism.. be versatile in
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your vulnerabilities, exercise caution around AIDS activists.. and while
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attending your more "alternative lifestyle" oriented protests, beware:
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what makes you attract to females most definitely makes you attractive to
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males.. when they see you standing all alone at a Queer Nation Rally,
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expect several invitations to keep you warm on a cold blustery Chicago
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afternoon. It's always a good plan to say you're Bi, but predominantly
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hetero because you just got out of a relationship that "hurt you real bad".
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Keep in mind that it's the little things that make or break the angry 90s
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activist guy.. whether it's remembering to spell women with a y or making
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an offhanded reference to your recent AIDS testing <"just to be sure..
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there's no orgasm worth dying for!">, you've got to let these people know
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what kind of wonderful person you are without letting them know you're
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aware of it.
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Your Brothers In Deception
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Let it be known that in the world of exploiting the gullible, there are
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no children here. If you spot another guy infiltrating much in the same
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way you are or have already, tolerance is not possible. You must expose
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him for what he his and expell him from the group. Not only does this
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ensure that he will not damage your position in good standing with the
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group, but it will also make you look good in front of your sheep. In a
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global community where sharing and compassion are doctrines for a better
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tomorrow, your only shield is staunch territorialism. Mark it well lest
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ye be overthrown.
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Gender Bias? I think not
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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Right about now I just might write something <whoah! and you just might
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read it!> about the endless possibilities for females to commit the very
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same despicable and self-deprecating acts written above for male
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entertainment.. but I seriously doubt the competence of a female mind
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when it comes to comprehending such mental processes. Ain't misogyny
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grand?
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fin. <----- limiting male stereotype of dolphins, equating fish
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protrusion to a PENIS
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{-Best thing about fucking a 12 yr old girl? Hearing the pelvic bone crack-}
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Coming soon from BLaH Crackers, Inc., Ltd. : Safe-T-NutZ NT : the 32 bit
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utility for 2 bit tfiles..
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708> 251-5094
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The Obloid Sphere <708> 965-3098
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BLaH : If _you_ don't look good, sue your parents.
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{-Worst thing about fucking a bald chyck? Taking the diaper off------------}
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