203 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
203 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written March 24th, 1993
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#041 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"Fear and Loathing in Cyberspace Pt 3"
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³ by ³
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Constantine
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À ÄÄ Ù
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Fear and Loathing in Cyberspace, Part 3
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(I've Never Read Ambush Bug)
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"What are we going to DO?" NeX screamed as the SPA cops
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outside started rigging up what looked like an enormous magnet.
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"Can we plea-bargain?" I shouted out the window.
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"Well," the cop with the bullhorn mused, "You could
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plead a little, I guess. It wouldn't help any, but we'd get a
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kick out of it."
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This wasn't working. Outside the window, a small crowd
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had gathered behind the police blockade. The BLaH News Network
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was covering the whole thing, but I knew by now that all I could
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expect from BNN would be an obituary on the 11PM news and a bad
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photograph. Alan Solomon and a consortium of anti-viral experts
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were sitting across the parking lot in their Lamborghinis and
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Porshes, throwing peanuts and cheering the cops. One called
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out, "Hey! As long as you've got the cannon set up, wanna go
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to Lemuel's house?". I couldn't see Patty out amongst them, but
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I figured she was sitting under SOMEONE's seat...
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NeX startled me out of my zenlike state of concentration
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by grabbing my lapels and screaming, "WE ARE GOING TO DIE!".
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"You startled me out of my zenlike state of
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concentration," I told him, "Don't do that. Makes me nervous."
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"This is your last chance," the bullhorn squawked, "Do
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you want to die in there, or leave the building and die out
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here?"
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"Do you mind if we die in here?" I shouted, "I'm rather
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comfortable."
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"Have it your way."
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There was an enormous rumbling sound as the magnet
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cannon's barrel lowered to point at the warehouse. Silence
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descended upon the crowd, except for the far-off cries of one
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of the BNN reporters.
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"Hey!" he shouted, "Does anyone know how to work this
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camcorder?"
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Suddenly, something happened.
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It wasn't a good thing.
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We weren't dead.
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It still wasn't a good thing.
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There was a single sound, from over the Net hills...
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A sound like deep bass, produced by a human throat.
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It was followed by another, and another.
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It was a rhythm.
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The BNN team was the first to realize what was going
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on-- the van left in a blaze of baudsmoke, leaving the rest of
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the crowd to look around and wonder what the sound was.
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Suddenly, a wide form came over the horizon.
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"Dear Gods," I breathed, "It's HIM."
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Like an unholy cacophony, one unified shriek of terror
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rose up from the police and bystanders alike, a cry of pure
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horror echoing two solitary words over and over again...
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"HEFTY HERB!"
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"RUN!" I shouted, shoving NeX out the warehouse door.
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He vanished in the scramble of people and vehicles as the dark
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figure approached.
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"Yo! Yo! Yo!" the Meistro of Malice chanted.
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"I'm rappin' this rhyme, 'cause it's been a long time,
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Just hangin' out in your telephone lines.
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I'm the deadly CyberRapper, the baddest of the bad,
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If ya thought I had left then, son, you been had.
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I'm bigger and badder than ever before,
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D'you like this rap? I got a million MORE!"
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The SPA cops left were wailing and holding their heads,
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writhing on the concrete under Hefty Herb's rhythmic onslaught.
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I whipped out my Official BLaH Earplugs and shoved them in,
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hoping they'd keep the worst of his rhymes out until I could
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get away. My life flashed before my eyes as I staggered away,
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hearing the horrendous sound getting louder and louder. A jet-black
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Qmodem with an "I Don't Brake for Nuns" bumper sticker screeched
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to a halt in front of me.
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"Get in!" the familiar Italian/Mexican/Alien driver said.
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I managed to pull myself inside the limo just as we tore off into
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another area code, leaving the Herbmeister far behind.
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"You don't look too good," Guido Sanchez said, cocking his
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stylish black fedora.
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"I'm really sick of this 'Perils of Connie' crap," I muttered,
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"What's next? Two-thousand ton pink elephant gonna fall on me?"
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Somewhere, far away, Potted Plant looked at the hardcopy of
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the latest BLaH file with disgust.
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"You know," he said to nobody in particular, "This BLaH stuff
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ranks pretty high on the lameometer."
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Suddenly, a two-thousand ton pink elephant fell from the sky,
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obliterating him instantly.
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"I wouldn't worry about it," Guido told me as we pulled into the
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main node at Evermore.
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"So," he said, "What have you got?"
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"A trail of dead informants, a tangled web of mystery,
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and one hell of a migrane."
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"You'll have to do better than that; I hear that Phrack
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has contacted PeNiS representatives in Waco, and they're working
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on securing an exclusive story as we speak."
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"Listen," I told him, "If you want me to find the head
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of the PeNiS, I'm going to need something from you."
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"You can't mean--"
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"Yes."
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"No! Not--"
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"I need it, Guido."
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"Anything but that!"
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"Guido, I need the BLaHmobile."
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We stood in the shadows of the old /GARAGE directory.
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"What a relief," he said as he wiped his brow, "I
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thought you were going to ask for money."
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"I'd never do that to ya, Gweed."
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I worshipfully ran a finger over the hull of the
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BLaHmobile. Cherry; supercharged 14.4 with custom design; a
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hacker's dream come true. Designed to interface anywhere,
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anytime, protocols be damned. It could tear through the Net
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like a bat out of hell and stop on a dime. It had air
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conditioning. It had a tape deck. I was in love.
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"A dream come true," I murmured.
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"Yeah," Guido said, "Too bad it doesn't work."
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"WHAT?"
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"Something wrong with the circuitry, never worked right
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after Lemuel spilled coke on it."
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"So what DO we have?"
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/GARAGE2 was noticably smaller.
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"This is ridiculous."
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"It's not that bad," Guido said, "It has a roof."
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The BLaHmobile II was a Yugo.
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"Where are you going?" he shouted over the whining
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screech of the BLaHmobile II as I kicked it into gear.
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"Beyond the veil of sleep!" I said, "To the Court of the
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Elder Gods, where the blind daemon-sultan Jerry Lewis--"
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"Wait! How are you going to get there? That's some
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major long-distance charges!"
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"Hmmm... I'll need a box..."
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"Too far to blue box it," Guido mused, "Red box wouldn't
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help, pearl box is too low-powered, beige is too easily
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detected, ivory only works on low-speed lines, urine is just
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plain icky... No, you need something special for that kind of
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work."
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"What can get me there fast and cheap?"
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"You need the Puce Box."
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"Where can I get one?"
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"There's only one place in the Net that would have it.
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A den of iniquity, so vile and remorseless--"
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"Congress?"
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"No, not THAT bad. The Hell Pit."
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"Wish me luck," I said, hoping the BLaHmobile II wasn't
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as much of a death trap as it looked.
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"You don't need luck!" he shouted as I lurched out into
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the Net, "You need a--"
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The rest of his sentence was cut off by a sputter of
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static. As the onyx and red-veined marble spires of the Hell
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Pit neared on the horizon, I hoped it hadn't been anything
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important.
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[Will the Puce Box be found? Will the BLaHmobile II
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run long enough to GET to the Puce Box? And what does Hefty
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Herb have to do with all this, anyway? For the answers to these
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pressing questions, stay tuned for Fear and Loathing Part Four:
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Superman's Rotting Grandmother!]
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{---End of File. -- Talespin! Friends for life through Thick And Thin!--}
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EXTERMINATE ALL RATIONAL THOUGHT.
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BLaH <sigh>ts
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The Battle Of Evermore <312>476-1508
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The Obloid Sphere <708>965-3098
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094
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"Oh, he IS a bastard, isn't he?"
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{---I'm Blacker than Black and I'm Black, Ya'll...----------------}
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