214 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
214 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý Ý ÝßÝÜÝ Written Sept. 6th, 1992
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#027 Ý Ýig Ýong Üßß Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"The Search for Hefty Herb, pt.1"
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³ by ³
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The Blah News Network
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À ÄÄ Ù
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¿Ä¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
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³ÚÙ ³¿³ ³¿³
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³Ä¿LaH ³À´ews ³À´etwork
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ÙÄÙ Ù Ù Ù Ù
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
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ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄî <leaf of Michelangelo's David>
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BLaH Headquarters Dispatch-- URGENT!!
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At approximately 8:04 AM, CST on September 6th, BLaH technicians
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discovered that Hefty Herb, beloved by children and dyslexics everywhere,
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had disappeared. He had been "accomodated" in the Alter-Ego Holding Cells in
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Duluth, Minnesota; home to many literary reflections including the Clockwork
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Banana Killer, the Stereotypical Moron, the entire BLaH News Network and a
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small army of Average Joes.
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Upon delivering his usual breakfast (56 big macs, 28 large fries,
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18 apple pies and a small diet coke), guards discovered Herb's cell to have
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been forced open and empty save for a note which read:
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"I don't need to tell ya
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That I'm not at home,
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I'm a black stereotype
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And I'm off to roam.
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Tell Chessman and Connie and especially Guido,
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That I'm embarkin' to find my own libido.
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Tired of rappin' inside perverted minds,
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Doin all the work while they sit upon their hinds.
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So I'm leavin this joint, this holdin' cell
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Gonna drum me up some business while I'm raisin' hell.
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You'll see me up there in the center ring
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'Cause ghetto rap is a nineties thing.
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I'm off ta get some grits and some nice cornpone,
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So don't try to find me! Just leave me alone!
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- J. Herbert Heiffer"
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The note in question was immediately disposed of by the Toxic Rhyme
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division of the Chicago bomb squad. BLaH security chief Angus "Pansy" McBrutal
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was quoted as saying, "This boy could cause some real trouble if he gets his
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hands on a microphone.. Rap that bad has to be kept isolated for public
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safety, not to mention Herb's own good." He was later, unofficially, quoted
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as saying, "I'd like to work that little hoodlum over with a cattle prod
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or two [times two equals my IQ]."
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An emergency meeting of the BLaH high command resolved that a pursuit
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team would be sent out immediately. The task force was composed of Guido
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Sanchez, Chessman, Constantine and Nowhere Man; who made preparations to
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depart in the BLaHmobile (a restored '68 thunderbird with nitrous booster,
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bulletproof armor and a selection of onboard weaponry that would make James
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Bond jealous including an orgasmatron).
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Unfortunately, it was in the shop, so they had to make do with the
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janitor's Yugo. After christening it the "BLaHmobile II : A New Beginning",
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loading their gear, unloading, repacking and reloading their gear, making a
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frantic fumble for the window controls followed by a lengthy philosophical
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discourse on who, exactly, had "cut the cheese", repacking again to make room
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for the wet bar (this being, after all, a search PARTY), and stopping four or
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five times so everybody could go to the bathroom, the intrepid team was
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underway.
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As of this report, headquarters had lost contact with the expedition
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somewhere within the Illinois borders (actually, about two blocks away from
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HQ). We expect further dispatches on the hour, or whenever they find a
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pay phone that will be fooled by Chessman's clumsy whistling of 2600 hz tones.
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Stay tuned, true believers.
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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Announcer : Next.. On Hairy String Jive.. Hairy jives with Newt Gingrich..
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<cut to studio, lightbulbs on back wall form the shape of a phallus>
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Hairy String : So, tell me Newt, what the hell kind of a name IS "Newt" anyway?
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Newt Gingrich : Well, My actual first name is John the 3rd, but my parents
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nicknamed me "Newt" after the amphibian on account of how slimy
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and devious I was at an early age. This made me the youngest
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qualified member of the Republican party at the age of 6. Plus,
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it makes up for my sexual inadequacies and covers up the fact
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that I enjoy molesting little boys. And I _want_ the public to
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know that, that I'm the kinda regular guy that can admit these
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things.
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Hairy String : Umm, Mr. Gingrich, this isn't MTV, and I'm not Ted Nugent.
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The average 18-28 year old doesn't watch this show because it's
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almost as entertaining as watching a bunch of old men bitch at
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each other, like that show "Mossfire". The only youth you could
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rally through this show are those too smart to vote for you in
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the first place, so could you please drop this charade?
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Newt Gingrich : Oh, my mistake. You _do_ look a lot like Tabitha Soren though..
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<laughter in the studio>
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Announcer : Tonight on BNN..
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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<cut to the BNN Newsroom in Mentally, Illinois>
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Although we at BNN have not yet regained contact with the Hefty Herb
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search party, it seems someone else has already located them--
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a videotape of last night's secret meeting of GEEK (God's Evangelical
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Evisceration Krusade, also known as Mansonites for Jesus), has been delivered
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to us by a BNN Newswolf, and its contents are disturbing indeed.
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Following the opening hymn ("Cain was Misunderstood"), the white-
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masked Great Geek stood before the congregation to deliver this speech:
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"Geeks! Hear my words! For months our enemy, the vile BLaH, has
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dared to spread mortal sin across the world in the form of 'text files'.
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They promote such base heresies as free thought, personal responsibility,
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and enjoying life! They even go so far as to support having what passese for a
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SENSE OF HUMOR!"
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(At this point, cries of "Kill them! Jihad!" arise from the
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congregation).
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"But we shall have victory! Four of the organization's leaders
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have journeyed out into the world in search of an escaped literary device!
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They have been spotted, and WE SHALL HAVE THEM!"
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(Roars of audience approval).
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"A bug was planted on their Vehicle of Sin-- just LISTEN to the
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evils they spread!"
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(The Great Geek plays a hastily-edited reel-to-reel tape; voices
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of the BLaH teammates are heard).
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"Hey! Who cut it again!?"
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"Wasn't me!"
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"It was him!"
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"Why did you invite him, anyway?"
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"Me? I thought YOU invited him!"
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"Anybody want a copy of the Whore virus?"
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"Pass the fritos and coke, will ya?"
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"Are we THERE yet?"
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(The Geek turns off the recorder).
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"THERE, my children! The voices of SIN! And FORNICATION! And
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ICKY STUFF!"
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(The congregation is clamoring for blood).
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"BLaH must be destroyed for family values to survive! There is
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a hit team of elite nuns on their trail right now, and they will not fail!
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Death to the unbelievers!"
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(Congregation response: "Death to the unbelievers!")
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"And what does God need to kill them?"
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(Congregation response: "Money!")
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The BLaH mission task force remains unavailable for comment.
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Reliable reports indicate that the communications specialist on the mission,
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Nowhere Man, left our office phone number in his other wallet. But with luck
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a new wallet will be programmed in C, with a fancy IDE, rumored to even support
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Microsoft Windows 3.1 <they DID bring a laptop and acoustic couplers, of
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course>.
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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Bernard sPa: Yes, that is the latest in the Hefty Herb trek. In other BLaH
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news, rumors have been spreading concerning the gender of Nowhere Man.
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Apparently, voice contact with the notorious hacker have purported that the Man
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is actually a Woman. No further information has been available, but research
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has shown that this entire segment was indeed just a stupid ploy of BLaH
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resulting from a conversation with Nowhere Man. I am, just as Herb was, a cheap
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literary device, and am to be transferred to the A/E Cells in Duluth as I am
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reading this.
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is BNN.
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<Ä-Ä-Ä-Ä->
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To be continued in The Search For Hefty Herb Pt. 2 <or> How I Found The Plot
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Device And What I Did To Him When I Found Him. With a tip of the hat to
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Malaclypse the Younger...
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Constantine and Guido Sanchez [BNN Pentagon Correspondents>
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'`'`End Of File'`'`Safe-T-Nutz v0.96á says "10148 Bytes Total"`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'
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Wolf Wolf Wolf Wolf! <pumping fist in the air>
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Enjoy this file? Be sure not to call these BLaH <sigh>ts then..
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Ù ÄÄ À
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094 Carbon Nation <708>965-8965
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³
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The Realm Of Death <419>475-3089 The insane Asylum <305>927-3028
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¿ ÄÄ Ú
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{!PropagandaLine 708251509470825150947082515094708251509470825150947082515094}
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