96 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
96 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
|
||
ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
|
||
Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
|
||
BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
|
||
File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 4th, 1992
|
||
#013 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
|
||
Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
|
||
ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
|
||
|
||
Presents
|
||
Ú ÄÄ ¿
|
||
"How to Commit the Perfect Murder"
|
||
³ by ³
|
||
Constantine
|
||
À ÄÄ Ù
|
||
|
||
LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
|
||
Portions of the following text deal with methods of murdering
|
||
Fundementalist Christians. In order to avoid possible legal liability,
|
||
the author wishes to make it known that he IN NO WAY APPROVES of
|
||
Fundementalist Christianity. Thank you.
|
||
|
||
|
||
So you wanna commit the perfect murder. BLaH is here to help.
|
||
This tfile provides sample methods of killing someone and getting away
|
||
with it, only a small part of our "Torture, Murder and Cannibalism" home
|
||
study course. You can obtain the home study course for only $19.95 per
|
||
installment-- contact your local representative today!
|
||
Now, before you go making grand escape plans and ways to hide
|
||
the body, one simple question must be answered-- who are you going to
|
||
kill? Yes, it's common sense, but the choice of victim can mean the
|
||
difference between a humdrum, boring murder and a satisfying, invigorating
|
||
one (for under 200 calories!).
|
||
If you're like me, you've probably got enemies lined up and out
|
||
the door. This makes the selection of victim rather easy. In case you
|
||
have no enemies and just want to try murder for yourself, why not take
|
||
some of mine? Just contact me at any BLaH outpost for a full list of
|
||
names, addresses, and reasons they should die.
|
||
If you are still undecided, may I suggest Donald Wildmon? Donald
|
||
Wildmon is the head of the American Family Association, a fascist Fundie
|
||
group that supports the banning of just about every television show, book
|
||
and movie in existance because it offends his "Christian" morals (including
|
||
ALF-- no joke!). Wildmon is the guy who got Playboy pulled from 7-11s
|
||
across the country a few years back, and lead part of the drive against
|
||
"The Last Temptation of Christ" (not that he ever SAW the movie). He
|
||
also pulls in millions of dollars in contributions to his various shadow
|
||
corporat-- excuse me, I mean "moral action groups".
|
||
If Donnie-boy is too obscure for you, Jesse Helms and Jimmy Swaggart
|
||
also make great murder victims. Try one today.
|
||
Now that you have a victim chosen, get them alone and KILL THEM.
|
||
This is the "murder" part of "committing a perfect murder". Just take
|
||
a handy blunt object and whack them over the head with it repeatedly.
|
||
Or, for the more adventurous, knives and guns, not to mention the poison
|
||
mucous of the Australian pufferbird, can do the trick. In order to avoid
|
||
being seen, make sure that you are ALONE with the victim before you whack
|
||
them over the head. It may be common sense, but we left that out of the
|
||
first draft of this pamphlet and Erwin Ficklebinder, a young student,
|
||
proceeded to murder his college counselor in the middle of a large shopping
|
||
mall. He was arrested, and massive lawsuits followed from Ficklebinder's
|
||
family.
|
||
Now you're in the "habeas corpus" phase of the operation, a legal
|
||
phrase which means "you have the body". You DO have the body. Hopefully
|
||
in one or several opaque baggies at this point. Get thee to a mortuary.
|
||
At the mortuary, cremate the sucker. You will be left with a
|
||
lot of ashes and a quantity of bone fragments and teeth. Scatter the
|
||
ashes to the four winds. You still have the teeth, which is a problem
|
||
because the boys down in forensics can still identify the victim. C'mon,
|
||
didn't you ever watch "Quincy"?
|
||
Get a large glass of Jolt cola and leave the teeth inside overnight.
|
||
In the morning, they will have dissolved. That's right, your elementary
|
||
school teacher WASN'T lying about that. She was still a bitch, but she
|
||
did tell the truth. Now there are no remains, thus no way to pin the
|
||
non-existant "murder" on you. It has thus become a perfect murder.
|
||
|
||
This has just been one way to commit the perfect murder. If you
|
||
decide to order our home study course (see details above), you'll also
|
||
learn the Jeffy Dahmer method of body disposal (and interior decoration),
|
||
the Manson Defense (get some OTHER schmuck to commit the murder), and how
|
||
to talk just like Hannibal Lecter. Order TODAY.
|
||
|
||
{---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz v0.90á says "5283 Bytes Total"--------------}
|
||
|
||
Ok, fine, so we're releasing 15 tfiles in 3 days.. what's it to you?
|
||
|
||
BLaH <sigh>ts.. places you can take our crap and drink it
|
||
|
||
Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <708>251-5094 | 110/16.8k
|
||
Hell Bound | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k
|
||
The Insane Asylum | <305>927-3028 | 2400/16.8k
|
||
The Realm of Death | <419>475-3089 | 2400/16.8k
|
||
|
||
If it says BLaH, it probably isn't...
|
||
|
||
{---Property Line. Git out now...------------------------------------------}
|
||
|
||
|