268 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
268 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
Subject: [ati] ati: midweek crisis. midnite review of music award ceremony
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FLIM-FLAMMYS: A Prime Anarchist Review of the Grammys.
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21feb01. Green Bay, Wisconsin
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Yo.
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Yo, Ingrid Washinawatok is dead, Abbie Hoffman is gone,
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Leonard Peltier is still unfree.
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Live, sort of, [on the CNNsorship delay] from Staples
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Center, the theatre that looks like a big old stuffed red
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and white aspirin, it's the 43rd annual FlimFlammy awards;
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and why, you ask, do I like watching them on GE-TV rather
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than in Radio City MusicHall, Staples or the Baghdad Hilton?
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Because here, I can wear my blue hoodie. That's why!
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I might oughta say a quick aside: one day before the
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FlimFlammys, 1 billion dollars offered out of court? Napster?
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What's THAT say???
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OK.
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Hey, since when are the FlimFlammys on CBS? Last year was
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Staples, but it was still on GE-NBC, wasn't it? Not Westinghaus,
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right?
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[SCRATCH HEAD]
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Was I asleep?? Hey, Mister DJ.
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OK, Madonna thinks she's Clive Davis meets Ronald Reagan or
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something, huh? So I'm still buggin' about this NBC-c-c-C-CBS
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merger, friendly agreement thingie. I guess I shoulda called
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it each time they went back and forth between LA and NYC, huh?
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[CURTSEY]
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NBC, leaving NYC for good. Soon come - mark my words peeps.
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Remember when Letterman said he'd never leave New York OR NBC?
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Yeah right. Promise me another. Oh well, NARAS' loss, not NY's!
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"I feel your scorn, and I accept it," said John Stuart.
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OK, so Carson Daly makes up the 3rd blueman in that dorky
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abuse of avant gardism, right?
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Of course NSync is Few Man Group.
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OK, Stuart, what words are you going to NOT use? Are you
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ready? Seconds delay and the big button. You are watching,
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CNNsorship Central. Fun, isn't it. Really. Are Stuart and
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Bill Clinton related? I swear.
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Heather Locklear and Kid Rock, yeah. "Wow, check out this
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teleprompter." For that matter, are Kid Rock and Jesse Camp
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from MTV related, or do they just pretend to do the same
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quality of heroin?
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It's Macy Gray's year. Boyee. Clive and Madonna's old money
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must be finally taking hold.
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I can't wait until next year's FlimFlammys now that Marc Rice
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is out. You ain't SEEN payola yet.
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And it's Devo for Target, Pampers, Windex. Yeah, how many
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paper products does it take to turn on a lightbulb?
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One, if you burn it hot enough.
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Yup, pass me the box of Payola crayons.
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"But when it comes to violence, there's no excuse."
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QUICK! SOMEONE TIE UP GEORGE W. BUSH, QUICK.
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And from Cafe YabYum, Orlando Florida, it's LipSync. Oh, sorry.
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I mean NLip. I mean, never mind. Who cares what their name is,
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it's five young guys wearing dumb clothing, spending dumb money,
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singing dumb songs, written by dumb ghost writers.
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The only trouble is -- you and I believe in them 1.3% more
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than we should!
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In a just world?
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SCENE: Every word I say is true
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[DROPS MIC]
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[TURNS DOWNSTAGE]
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[SHOUTS] "This sucks. I can't sing this song, I can't feel it.
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Buy me a song I can feel or get me off this stage. I won't sing
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this, it sucks."
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Hmmm. Did everyone else see the two comedians shooting tshirts
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out into the audience from a high-tech cannon? Looked like
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something Raytheon would have invented. Well before Dan Quayle
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handed out those 3500 pink slips.
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Hmm. Does anyone wonder what this Christmas' big hype product
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is going to be?
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Um wait. Steely Dan. Um. Don't get me wrong. I've liked them
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for many years. MANY YEARS. But man, I gotta ask this. Does
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anyone remember ever hearing them at all this year?
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At all? I mean I think I heard "Hey 19" a couple times in an
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elevator in Chicago or something... What did I miss?
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Steely Dan beat Madonna AND Britney "Hitme" Spears? Umm.
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Clive? Madonna? What's up with that?
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Destiny's Child, wow. The first real thing I've seen happen
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across that stage so far. Why do I get the feeling they'd have
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all that same presence AND talent if you DIDN'T throw all that
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dumb money at them?
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WHY DO I GET THE SUDDEN HEAVY FEELING IN MY HEART THE THIRD REICH
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IS BEHIND THE FLIM-FLAMMYS AWARDS' CALIFORNIA MOVE?
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And What's with Maya slouching like an inchworm as she presents?
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I mean her neck's halfway down to her knees. I saw Macy Gray do it
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too. What gives? Will people get flogged if they try to touch or
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adjust the microphone?
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The Folgers School Music grant, now there's a noble idea. Now you
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too can write a song that kills someone in Colombia, Chiapas or
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Costa Rica.
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I hate to be the one who informs Paul Simon. Nope. I can't lie -
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I love being the one. Simon without the Garfunkle is like music
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without A through F.
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And what's this song. Should I even call it that? I guess I have
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to, huh? OK. I won't go there. This band-in-a-box production,
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presentation, what do you call it? It's not really fair to make fun
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of the old, because I'm going there too someday, but for Pete's sake
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Paul.
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Buy a pulse, will you? Or at least buy something besides a new
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bohemian. Paul Simon today is like a cross between Boy George, George
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W, and George Burns.
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http://www.josiethemovie.com
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Buy Folgers, Vaniqua, Viagra, Nads and Fuji film at a Target near
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you. Have you tried Staples? Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about three
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strip-malls away from full-on eco-anihilation and what, we're acting
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like it's no big thing, ya'all. Who's up for a great steak dinner?
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Rainforest crunch. For real.
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John Stuart sucks his scarf down. Yeah, the man snarfed his scarf.
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He did, he sucks. Did I say I think he's gotta be Bill Clinton's
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illegitimate son? Gotta be, I'm telling you. He's got Bill's ears,
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his stance, his hands. Right down to the posture. He's got those
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Harvard hands. You know, that class they'll teach you at Harvard,
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Hollywood, or your house for that matter. They can make ANYONE a
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president. Or just look like one. Just hold your hand like this,
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and move it like so. Now do this. There, now get out there and
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imagine them all in their underwear.
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Faith Hill, be a boob or just act like one. Can you say, "tall
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blonde, badly dressed StepNFetchit?" Sure, I knew you could.
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And how come they panned the camera to Tim McGraw all of a... Oh
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yeah. That's right. Biggest music merger since Napster and old
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Bertlesmann pooled their half a billion each or so last night.
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Bono.
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Bono is so out of it he's lost sight of who HE is even. His very
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own astute observations. And here he is. Hmmm. What's next a page
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three paid letter explaining that he recognizes that netaid.com
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+ napster + NARAS = 666 ? You participated hoping you can change
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it from within?
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Bono, this isn't a slam, I mean this as the most constructive
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criticism I can ever possibly muster up for someone who used to
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be such a hero of mine.
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You care so
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much
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you do so
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little
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you earn so
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much
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you mean so
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little
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So, what's behind the gilded curtain that makes you forget you're
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you?
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It's a beautiful day, can you feel it?
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The 43rd annual devo for coke, bic lighters, pringles, iams,
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heinekin and hippies and you can buy it at target.
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I must say I think I've knowingly heard U2's "Beautiful Day at
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least three times as often as the Steely Dan song.
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Wait, Bono's assistant just mentioned Jubilee 2000. I take back
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everything I said...
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And now the Dutchess of York for the best weight loss program
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ever designed. Air Force sorti's over the no-fly zone?
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John Stuart said saran wrap, he said saran wrap, he said saran
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wrap. Wow. Moby for Blue Man Croup. And what's this Jill Scott
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playing air guitar to the gospel medley vulcan music meld from
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hell?
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And here's BonJovi's Richie Sambora for buying your way out
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of Boston.
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[VOICEOVER] July 4, 1987. The stage dive is invented. July
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5? Heinekin usurped it, along with the bic lighter, the peace
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sign and the hippy.
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Eminem and Elton. Wait a minute. History repeats itself. Isn't
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this Louis Farakhan doing dueling violins with that Jewish guy
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after all his politically incorrect antisemitic comments?
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Nneena Freelon and Take 6? Now that was real. OK. Cool. Macy
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Gray's got it going on. I had a feeling she'd have it no other
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way. What's with all the hairdos, though. That was wack. Those
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hippy paisleys on the overhead projector brought to you by
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Target, like Staples but with some more variety. Pink Hair
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Group. And Heinekin, it's all about the Germans buying
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Napster. Ouch. Did I say that?
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Dumb money and smart bombs. Dead civilians and non-combatants.
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And singing, "happy days are hear again, now the skies are hazy
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shade of winter for the rest of your unborn and unnamed kids'
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lives.
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Hey Christina, do yourself a favor next year. Less meth, less
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heroin and less spanish. And more weight. Eat some starch or
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something. You make Kate Moss look fat. Mi Reflejo? Good try
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girl. You know $4,000 worth of fonetiks books could never get
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you dominating the Latin charts. You're about as out-of-your-
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league as when Billy Joel said he'd be back with classical
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piano. How long has it been now? How long is never? Sorry
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Billy, sorry Christina. Maybe if you went and teamed up with
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Christina Aguilar you could pull it off.
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You could have beaten Oscar De La Hoya and his BeeGees song,
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but you'd a never gotten past Shakira, sorry to inform you.
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When SHE says, "you guys," it really has meaning. And she only
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says it once. "And of course my country, like always. Everything
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I do goes to them, is dedicated to them. My country Colombia,
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that in spite of our tough reality, we keep our spirit joyful,
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and alive. Thank you so much, and. I'm so happy, my God. Yeah,
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Que vivo columbia."
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Rage Against the Machine won best hard rock performance with
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"Guerilla Radio."
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AOL keyword: apartheid.
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"C Major because D flat would suck." Umm. Good try, Stuart.
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I know what you were trying for. Almost. No really. Stay with
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comedy.
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Please.
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Next?
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And now a little bit of Chopin played live so as to help
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perpetuate this gentle little myth, (BIG LIE, BIG LIE, BIG
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LIE. LIKE HITLER'S BIG LIE.)
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----this gentle myth that music is what we're
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about.
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"After years of convincing, the Grammys are acknowleging for
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the first time, native american music. The original roots music,"
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said Robbie Robertson, "of this continent. And we haven't got
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freedom for Leonard Peltier yet. Maybe he's not Marc Rich enough,
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but we are getting our first grammy, and Val, [Kilmer] for this
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we are grateful."
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Tom Bee and Douglas Spotted Eagle won the first grammy in a
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native american music category ever, for their production of
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Albuquerque's Gathering of Nations PowWow.
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"First and foremost I'd like to give all the honor and all
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the glory to the greatest warrior, my lord and savior Jesus
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Christ." Somehow that seems unpretentious, unscripted and
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real, hearing that come from Tom Bee. I can hear that from
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him, sounds so much more real than anything George W. Bush
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has ever uttered in his slimy, propped up contrived life.
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Or most of you for that matter, if I can be so candid.
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Faith Hill - I guess it's ok to fall out of your shirt in your
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seat, onstage singing, and in video, but never, never, never.
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Never while walking the stairs up to the stage. Cover your you
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know whats with your award or something. Hold your shirt together
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til you get up there. Go.
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long....
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long....
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long....
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long....
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long...
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editorial from the NARAS people. We're right back to "race-records"
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days, now aren't we?
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Ladies and Gendarmes, without seven of his most important words,
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here's Eminem.
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Target, up yours.
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It happens at the Hilton. Tracers, look, in the sky, it's
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a lazer, it's a fazer, it's bombings! Light up the sky, at
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the Hilton. The Baghdad Hilton.
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And don't forget, NARAS. Spelled backwards, you're nothing
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but saran wrap.
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Happy mining.
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May you someday realize music is not for conquest,
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ownership or private stock,
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marco
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the prime anarchist |