164 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
164 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
970810
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Romper Stomper bomper boo,
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Tell me tell me, tell me do.
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Magic mirror, tell me today,
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Did all my friends have fun at play?
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I see Newt, and Jesse; Tipper and Elizabeth;
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George and Manuel; Oliver and Ronald;
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Colin and Norman, Colin! Get your hands off Newt's
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you-know-what. I've told you once, and I've told you a
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thousand times. This country, and especially TV land
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simply cannot handle inter-racial, gay relationships.
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Shame on you, Now walk on that Lego balance beam,
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sponsored by Hasbro, Proctor and Gamble, and Monsanto
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corp. Colin, walk from one end to the other with your
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pants down. We're each going to take turns spanking your
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dark little heiney.
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Des Moines, Iowa, it's Sunday, April 27, 1997 and this
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is ATI, (Activist Tupperware, Incorporated) Issue #76.
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1776? 1976? Que revolutionario, mi publicacion tirada es mui
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tirado y frescura, novedad. 76. 76. 76. 76.
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OK. So the romper room lady is dead. Long live the romper room
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lady. Yeah. Miss Nancy Claster died of cancer the other day at 82.
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Remember her magic mirror?
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I see Anais Nin, and Gore Vidal, George Plimpton and Martha?
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Mariel? Margot? Is that you? What are you all doing in that hot-tub?
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Holy Apropos!
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Eugene Stoner, 74, Designer of the M-16 (did you say Hasbro???)
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picked the same day to die?? And the NY Times, schmaltzo schlock-mongers
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that they are, put his picture right next to Miss Nancy's!!!
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I see Mattel, Hasbro, Colt, Smith & Wesson...
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I remember my first M-16 vividly. #59209-3a. because it had Hasbro
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hand guards. Not a whole Hasbro like others I've had, the chamber and
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trigger mech. was made by Colt in my home state of CT.
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In fact two buildings down from the Regency apartments in Bridgeport
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where my grampa was a super. How was I to know when I was playing Tonka
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trucks, GI Joes, watching Romper Room and Mr. Rogers I would grow up to
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score expert on M-16, AK-47 AND the Afghani 5-shot sniper rifle? Only
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sharpshooter on grenade though, so keep me away from the white phosphorus.
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How was I to know I'd Miss Gulf War Syndrome by one digit on my ss#?
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How was I to know I'd become a conscientious objector AFTER receiving an
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Honorable Discharge. How was I to know I would become an LSD fiend while
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on active duty (it's more "normal" than you'd think) only to quit cold
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turkey (no patches, hypnotists or 1-900#'s for me, pal) the minute my
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End-Terminate-Service was filed?
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Thank you Hasbro, you make me want to puke. Thank you Miss Nancy. You
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showed me how to see magic. You can never know. Thank you Eugene Stoner,
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for inventing such a beautiful well functioning, defense-only (yeah,
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right. Mommy, what's a tumbler round??) piece of freedom protection.
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I almost want to break my pacifist vow and commit violence on your
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casket, Stoner Gene. But your corpse is art, and as quoth Dante:
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"Violence to art more heinous be than murder of children, verily."
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The God that made you dead is the same beautiful God who brought
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us the New Deal, New World, peace in the mideast, Mother Theresa and
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Ronny Raygun's lovely radio voice.
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Sublime, man.
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Be glad I never had GI Joe and his twins gang-raping Barbie in the
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back of a Tonka truck. I saw that in the park the other day and the
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mom? Obliviously busy reading the most recent Topaz Danielle Steele
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Harlequin Romance novel.
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OK, last week's Topaz Danielle Steele Harlequin Romance novel.
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You notice how close "cosmic" and "comic" look? Now, that's divine
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comedy. I'm prime anarchist and that, my friends, was my column. A
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triple whammy double obituary feature. And now on to the good stuff.
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Odzooks. I promise.
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SNL Notes: a Prime Anarchist Production.
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I finally found someone with more makeup caked on her face than
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Tammy Faye Bakker. That gorgeous "chick" in the band No Doubt. Is
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she covering up crater face by the pound or what? Oh well. Doesn't
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disillusionment drag you down?
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Is GE Smith sick? Dead? Retired? I didn't see the reputedly under-
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rated stage-hog guitarist the whole show. Heard a rumor he can't get
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along with Martin Short. Oh Prima Donnie...
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At any rate -- if the guy's gone I'll start watching SNL regularly
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again for the first time since John Belushi straddled a toilet and
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speed balled his brains out. Dude, that hit me hard too. Curt Cobain's
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got nothing on you.
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ADBUSTERS MOMENT!!! Attention please: The Purpose Of Saturday Nite
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Live Is To Sell $30,000 Automobiles.
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By the way, I really like No Doubt a lot. Attn: Dave Fischer.
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Is the lead singer your ex-girlfriend, Vanessa???
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Cars.
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One more car ad after this Gatorade commercial and they lose me.
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Going, going. Gone.
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ATI, like one big long editorial page. The Rag Read Round the
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Riverbend. Fold it up and use it for, well... never mind.
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:) |