1185 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
1185 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
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EEEEEE # #
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E #
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EEEE # # # #
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E # # # #
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EEEEEE # # ##
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# ####
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AAAAAA #### #### # #
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A A #### # # # # # ####
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AAAAAAAA # # # # ###### # #
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A A # # ##### # # ####
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A A # # # #### #
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A A ##### ##
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P R O U D L Y
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P R E S E N T S
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######################################################
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######################################################
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#### #### #### #### ####
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#### #### #### #### ####
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#### #### #### #### ####
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#### #### #### #### ####
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###+-------------------------------------+##
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##| A N A R C H I S T I C |##
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##| T E N D E N C I E S |##
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#+-------------------------------------+##
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#### #### #### #### ####
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#### #### #### #### ####
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#### #### #### #### ####
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#### #### #### #### ####
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########## #### #### ####
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######## #### #### ####
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###### #### #### ####
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#### #### #### ####
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######################################################
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######################################################
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_______
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| _____| T H E
|
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* | | _ __ ___ _ __
|
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- | |_____ |_| |_> | |__ | |\/| /_\ |__
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--- |_______| | | | \ | __| | | | / \ __|
|
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-----
|
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------- ______
|
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--------- | ____|
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----------- | |____
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------------- |____ | __ __ ___ _
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|_| ____| | |__| |_ | | /_\ |
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|______| | |__ |___ | / \ |___
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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====================
|
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Ring these boards!
|
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====================
|
||
|
||
The Twilite Zone. 562-0686 300/300 1200/1200 24 hrs a day!
|
||
|
||
Pacific Island. 890-2174 All Speeds 24 hrs a day!
|
||
|
||
Zen BBS. 899-6180 Most Speeds Running TBBS
|
||
on 4 lines.
|
||
|
||
Doodz Domain. 646-5861 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
|
||
646-3171
|
||
|
||
The Truth BBS. 813-1663 300/300 1200/1200 23 hrs a day!
|
||
|
||
Further Regions. 725-1923 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
|
||
|
||
The Crossover. 367-5816 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
|
||
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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=================
|
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W A R N I N G !
|
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=================
|
||
Have a fucking Merry Christmas, or we'll be after you!
|
||
(After we get over our New Year's hangovers.)
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
==================================
|
||
Who is this Santa Person Anyway?
|
||
==================================
|
||
|
||
After receiving anonymous reports from several elves, I decided
|
||
to investigate just who this Santa person really is. What I
|
||
discovered will shock you. He is not the kind, fat old man with
|
||
the white beard that you have been led to believe, but, I suspect,
|
||
a cover for an international organized crime syndicate.
|
||
|
||
Upon landing at the North Pole I headed straight for Santa's
|
||
workshop. The workshop appears from the outside to be a quaint
|
||
olde worlde home but after I made my way inside I discovered
|
||
something different.
|
||
|
||
The workshop is divided into three distinctly separate partitions.
|
||
The first is the workshop which is open to the public for a nominal
|
||
entrance fee, and has guided tours every hour on the hour. This is
|
||
where the elves happily go about their business of making toys for
|
||
the world's good little boys and girls.
|
||
|
||
Not accessible to the public is the real workshop. This is where
|
||
several hundred elves have been housed for many months of forced
|
||
labor. I must admit that I was deeply moved to see elves, in worse
|
||
physical appearance than a man after a night with Royna, being
|
||
whipped to the point of unconsciousness, and being revived so
|
||
they could work another hour. It brought tears to my eyes as the
|
||
memories of SYN flooded back...
|
||
|
||
The third partition was the most disgusting sight I have ever seen.
|
||
A large spa in the middle of a large tropical garden. Served by
|
||
naked women with the food and drink he had collected last Christmas
|
||
and kept in cold storage since, was Santa, surrounded by a mass orgy.
|
||
|
||
I thought it best if I waited here, and made myself inconspicuous by
|
||
joining in the orgy. So I cautiously removed my clothes, press badge,
|
||
camera, drank my bottle of Southern Comfort, put a couple of condoms
|
||
on (Kiddies, remember that it's better to be safe!) and headed for
|
||
the first pair of open legs.
|
||
|
||
To my great surprise I recognised those knees, and wondered what Fran
|
||
was doing here. I thought I had better move on, but the orgy was
|
||
already breaking up; Santa was preparing for his Christmas delivery.
|
||
|
||
With a mind as brilliant as mine, I sometimes wonder if the reason
|
||
I failed pre-school wasn't because of jealousy on the part of the
|
||
teacher. I saw this as my way out of here. So I quickly gift wrapped
|
||
myself and headed for Santa's Sack.
|
||
|
||
What I discovered in the sack is not something I will publicise, but
|
||
in Santa's sack, apart from the expected dolls, toy cars, machine
|
||
guns and armageddon bombs for the kids, there was also several
|
||
large packages of amphetamines, hallucinogenic pills, and non-tobacco
|
||
type cigarettes.
|
||
|
||
What I then discovered was not pure bliss as you may have expected,
|
||
but if you can imagine what it is like to be dropped down a chimney,
|
||
have an obese, over sexed, smelly old pervert fall on top of you,
|
||
you'll be able to sympathise with me (and you're also a fucking
|
||
deviant tart! Hi Blue Fox!).
|
||
|
||
Once I returned to the office, I requested a response from Santa's
|
||
public relations officers, and press agents. Fran convinced me that
|
||
Santa is innocent of all accusations printed here, and provided
|
||
documented proof (an invite to the next orgy).
|
||
|
||
I am still not totally convinced that Santa is totally innocent,
|
||
after seeing the way he laughs when little girls sit on his lap in
|
||
shopping centers world wide, I can't help but doubt the reports of
|
||
his pedophile activities.
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
===============================
|
||
The Twelve Days of Christmas.
|
||
===============================
|
||
|
||
On the first day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
An Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the second day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
2 meg of RAM
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Third day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of RAM
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Fourth day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
4 Credit Cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of Ram
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Fifth day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
5 Phone lines...
|
||
4 Credit Cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of Ram
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Sixth day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
6 floppy disks,
|
||
5 phone lines...
|
||
4 Credit cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of RAM,
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Seventh day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
7 printers printing,
|
||
6 floppy disks,
|
||
5 phone lines...
|
||
4 Credit Cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of RAM,
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Eighth day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
8 A2000's,
|
||
7 printers printing,
|
||
6 floppy disks,
|
||
5 phone lines...
|
||
4 Credit Cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of RAM,
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Ninth day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
9 Trailblazers,
|
||
8 A2000's,
|
||
7 printers printing,
|
||
6 floppy disks,
|
||
5 phone lines...
|
||
4 Credit Cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of RAM,
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Tenth Day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
10 Calling Cards,
|
||
9 TrailBlazers,
|
||
8 A2000's,
|
||
7 printers printing,
|
||
6 floppy disks,
|
||
5 phone lines...
|
||
4 Credit Cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of RAM,
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my Daddy gave to me
|
||
11 Digitizers,
|
||
10 Calling Cards,
|
||
9 Trailblazers,
|
||
8 A 2000's,
|
||
7 printers printing,
|
||
6 floppy disks,
|
||
5 phone lines...
|
||
4 Credit Cards,
|
||
3 NUI's,
|
||
2 Meg of RAM,
|
||
and an Inmodem for my AT.
|
||
|
||
On the Twelfth day of Christmas a Policeman gave to me
|
||
12 years Hard Labour.
|
||
The cunt!
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
======================================
|
||
The Evil Angels True Christmas Story
|
||
======================================
|
||
By Ford Prefect
|
||
|
||
COMPLETE CAST LIST - ACTORS
|
||
------------------ -----------------
|
||
NARRATOR - Ford Prefect
|
||
MARY - SYN ...
|
||
CHARIOT CAB - Gordie
|
||
GOD - Craig Bowen
|
||
ARCH EVIL ANGEL - Masked Avenger
|
||
CATHOLIC - Fearless Fred
|
||
JOSEPH - Ivan Trotsky
|
||
EVIL ANGEL - Eliminator
|
||
INN KEEPER - The Lensman
|
||
WIFE - Fran
|
||
SHEPHERD1 - Captain Chaos
|
||
SHEPHERD2 - Top Gun
|
||
SHEPHERD3 - 5th Dimension
|
||
SHEPHERD4 - Vagabond
|
||
GASPAR - Ice Man
|
||
BALTHAZAR - Infiltrator
|
||
MELCHIOR - Brett McMillian
|
||
JESUS - Disk Destroyer
|
||
|
||
|
||
NARRATOR Welcome to the story of the Birth of Christ, the
|
||
TRUE story. The story most of you have heard is
|
||
probably only the editted, "public release" version.
|
||
|
||
One of the strange things about this story is that
|
||
by a bizzarely improbable co-incidence, many of its
|
||
characters are distant (but strikingly similar sometimes)
|
||
ancestors of present-day BBS users. At great expense
|
||
we have managed to collect together most of the
|
||
direct decendents of the original people involved.
|
||
God, however, was unavailable, so Craig Bowen
|
||
accepted our offer to play the part.
|
||
|
||
The story begins in an inn room somewhere on the
|
||
outskirts of Nazareth. Inside the room is a virgin
|
||
by the name of Mary, who is married to a man named
|
||
Joseph, and coming up the stairs outside is the foul
|
||
Chariot Cab.
|
||
|
||
F/X KNOCK ON DOOR
|
||
|
||
MARY Who is it?
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT Mike.
|
||
|
||
MARY Mike who?
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT Mike Huntsucker.
|
||
|
||
MARY What!?
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT Room service.
|
||
|
||
MARY Okay, I'll unlock the door.
|
||
|
||
F/X KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENING
|
||
|
||
MARY (SEES CHARIOT) Uggghhhh! It's you! Get out of here!
|
||
|
||
F/X (UNDER NEXT LINE) DOOR BEING SHUT
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT Oh? You know of me?
|
||
|
||
MARY Everyone knows you. The only being in history to
|
||
have been brainwashed by an enema.
|
||
|
||
F/X CHARIOT PULLS DOWN HIS FLY, UNDOES HIS BELT, AND
|
||
PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN.
|
||
|
||
MARY (GASP) My god, it's true!
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT What's that?
|
||
|
||
MARY You COULD rape a girl through a flywire door!
|
||
No, don't come near me! Heeeeellllpppp!
|
||
|
||
F/X CHARIOT JUMPS MARY, WHO IS SCREAMING. (FADE)
|
||
|
||
F/X FADE UP CELESTIAL HARP MUSIC AND CHIMES.
|
||
|
||
GOD (LOUD, ECHOEY VOICE) Anything good on the omnipotent
|
||
TV tonight, Arch Evil Angel?
|
||
|
||
ARCH EVIL (NORMAL VOICE) Nah, just a few wars and other
|
||
ANGEL melodramas. Oh, there's a good comedy on the
|
||
Catholic prayer channel.
|
||
|
||
F/X SWITCHES
|
||
|
||
CATHOLIC (OVER SPEAKER) Forgive me father for I have sinned.
|
||
I must admit to it. I've been guilty of trigamy. I'm
|
||
married to three sexual gluttons, and besides that I've
|
||
had five prostitutes on the side. Also, there's a
|
||
fourteen year old girl locked up in the holiday house,
|
||
and there's this really gorgeous girl who's got
|
||
blonde hair, BIG tits, and... (CONTINUES AD LIB)
|
||
|
||
GOD (SPLUTTERING) I don't believe it! Give me that
|
||
microphone.
|
||
|
||
F/X MICROPHONE PICKED UP. CLICK AS IT IS TURNED ON.
|
||
THERE IS A SLIGHT HUM FROM THE MICROPHONE,
|
||
|
||
GOD By the devil's name man, what sort of Catholic are
|
||
you?
|
||
|
||
CATHOLIC Oh, I'm not, I just love getting those poor sex-starved
|
||
fathers something to DREAM about at night!
|
||
|
||
GOD Oh, um... well aetheists aren't allowed to pray on
|
||
this channel, take this!
|
||
|
||
F/X LIGHTENING BOLT FROM GOD. FIZZLING SOUNDS ETC
|
||
|
||
F/X MICROPHONE TURNED OFF.
|
||
|
||
A.E.A. I think what's on channel 42 might interest you,
|
||
it's a horror story.
|
||
|
||
F/X SWITCHING. ON SPEAKER: MARY SCREAMING.
|
||
|
||
GOD Oh, myself! Chariot Cab trying to have sex, that IS
|
||
gross!
|
||
|
||
A.E.A. I like the look of the girl, though.
|
||
|
||
GOD You know what I'd like to do with her right now?
|
||
|
||
A.E.A. No, what?
|
||
|
||
F/X GOD WHISPERING. FADE.
|
||
|
||
F/X FADE UP: MARY SHRIEKING
|
||
|
||
F/X DOOR OPENING
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH What's going on here!?
|
||
|
||
F/X CHARIOT JUMPS UP, MARY STOPS SCREAMING
|
||
|
||
MARY (WOEFULLY) This homosexual, who's so ugly he has to
|
||
prey on girls, has been molesting me.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH I'll soon fix him!
|
||
|
||
F/X BLOW-GUN
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT Ow! What was that!?
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Something just like you... a little prick with
|
||
a super-concentrated gonorrhoea virus. You'll be
|
||
rolling on the floor in a paroxysm of purulent
|
||
discharge within minutes.
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT Maybe it would have affected a NORMAL person, but
|
||
giving me gonnorhoea would be like tipping a
|
||
millionaire.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Well I know something that WILL hurt you, Chariot Crap.
|
||
|
||
F/X A HANDFUL OF SALT GRAINS BEING THROWN OVER CHARIOT
|
||
(What sound a handful of salt makes I don't know,
|
||
but you'll think of something!)
|
||
|
||
CHARIOT Agggghh! (GURGLES) Salt! Don't you know slu- people
|
||
like me will- Arggggggghhh!
|
||
|
||
F/X CHARIOT SHRIVELS UP AND DIES.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH That's that done, but this will mean a divorce, you
|
||
know.
|
||
|
||
F/X WITH A BANG OR A BLAZE OF LIGHT OR SOMETHING, AN
|
||
EVIL ANGEL APPEARS.
|
||
|
||
EVIL Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary
|
||
ANGEL home as your wife, because what is conceived in her
|
||
is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a
|
||
son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because
|
||
he will save his people from their sins, and I happen
|
||
to like the name Jesus.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. It wasn't
|
||
Goddie who raped her, it was Gordie.
|
||
|
||
EVIL Allow me to explain. God was just using Chariot's
|
||
ANGEL body to make your virgin wife pregnant. Chariot
|
||
couldn't have done it, for he has, as you can see,
|
||
no testicles.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Oh, I see.
|
||
(SUDDENLY SEES A FLAW IN THE EXPLANATION) But how
|
||
can she still be a virgin then!?
|
||
|
||
EVIL (TO JO) Jo, look at that dick! With a dick THAT small
|
||
ANGEL it is imposible for any woman to lose her virginity!
|
||
|
||
MARY (BRIGHTLY) Why, he's right!
|
||
|
||
(FADE)
|
||
|
||
NARRATOR So ends the beginning of the story, revealing how
|
||
the virgin Mary got God's baby and still remained
|
||
a virgin. Nine months later...
|
||
|
||
F/X SOUND OF DONKY'S HOOVES
|
||
|
||
MARY Oh! oh! Joseph the contractions are coming even
|
||
quicker now!
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Relax, we're here.
|
||
|
||
F/X HOTEL DESK BELL.
|
||
|
||
INNKEEPER (Hic) Yes?
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH We'd like a room for the night.
|
||
|
||
INNKEEPER Hmmm, is she (LOOKS AT MARY) married? VERY nice
|
||
knees. (TAKES A DRINK)
|
||
|
||
F/X SOUND OF ALCOHOLIC DRINKING HIGHLY INFLAMABLE LIQUID.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Yes she is MY wife. Can we please have a room?
|
||
|
||
INNKEEPER Sorry, we have none available.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH None at all!?
|
||
|
||
INNKEEPER There's a convention in town. I could let you sleep
|
||
in the stable if you aren't too fussy, but you'll
|
||
still have to pay full rates.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH OK, we'll take it.
|
||
|
||
INKEEPER WIFE! Show these people to the stable.
|
||
|
||
WIFE Walk this way will you?
|
||
|
||
F/X IF IT'S POSIBLE TO HAVE A SOUND OF A WOMAN WALKING
|
||
WITH A DRUNK MAN KISSING HER KNEES, THEN THIS WOULD
|
||
BE VERY APPROPRIATE. OTHERWISE FORGET IT.
|
||
|
||
NARRATOR A little while later, this is what is happening
|
||
at a cricket ground near the town, where a group
|
||
of shepherds are camped...
|
||
|
||
F/X OUTDOOR ATMOS. FIRE CRACKLING. A FEW SHEEP SOUNDS,
|
||
BUGS, THAT SORT OF THING.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 You know, I was just thinking. You know this cricket
|
||
ground our sheep are grazing in? It's the very same
|
||
ground that Thelonius Batsman made his first century on.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 Oh yeah? I've just been philosophising over life,
|
||
the universe, and opposites.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 Opposites?
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD3 Yeah, like black and white.
|
||
|
||
(PAUSE)
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 (TRYING NOT TO SOUND STUPID) Oh...? And why are they
|
||
opposites?
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 Well, when something is black is isn't white, and
|
||
when something is white is isn't black, got it?
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 Ah, right. Are there other opposites?
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 Sure.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD3 Like soft and hard.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD4 And light and heavy.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 And so what's the difference with them?
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 Well, you can sleep with a soft light on, but not
|
||
with a heavy- (IS INTERUPTED BY NEXT F/X)
|
||
|
||
F/X WITH A BLAZE OF LIGHT, ETC., AN EVIL ANGEL APPEARS.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 My god!
|
||
|
||
EVIL No, just an evil angel.
|
||
ANGEL Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of
|
||
a great joy which will come to all the people; for
|
||
to you is born this day in the city of David a
|
||
Savior, who is Christ the Lord.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 Huh?
|
||
|
||
EVIL ANGEL You're to go into Bethlehem and worship a baby.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 Oh, OK. We three will go and you can stay to keep an
|
||
eye on the sheep, alright?
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD4 Yeah, fine. I'll count them again.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD3 Let's go then.
|
||
|
||
F/X (FOLLOWING THE THREE SHEPHERDS) FOOTSTEPS ON A
|
||
GRAVEL PATH. FADE THE FIRE.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 (STOPPING SUDDENLY AFTER A WHILE) Hey, look what I
|
||
found! A cricket ball!
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 (THEY START WALKING AGAIN) Yeah, come on, we don't
|
||
have time to waste.
|
||
|
||
(PAUSE)
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 Hey, look at this! Another cricket ball.
|
||
|
||
(THEY CONTINUE)
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD3 Wow, guess what I just found!...
|
||
The dead cricket!
|
||
|
||
(FADE)
|
||
|
||
NARRATOR We now cross over to the Royal Institution of
|
||
Thought, where three magi are deep in discussion.
|
||
|
||
GASPAR It's obvious that there must be something which is
|
||
faster than everything else, and nothing can ever
|
||
get faster than it.
|
||
|
||
BALTHAZAR Yeah, like what?
|
||
|
||
GASPAR The blink. We do it all the time, and we never
|
||
notice it, it's so fast.
|
||
|
||
MELCHIOR I think it's probably some sort of energy source.
|
||
Like a match, when you strike it there's no
|
||
smouldering and gradual glow, the flame is there
|
||
instantly.
|
||
|
||
BALTHAZAR I think it's dysentry.
|
||
|
||
GASPAR What? Why dysentry?
|
||
|
||
BALTHAZAR Well I woke up one night with dysentry, and before I
|
||
could blink or light a match I'd messed the bed.
|
||
|
||
F/X EVIL ANGEL APPEARING
|
||
|
||
MELCHOIR Oh, an evil angel! Care to join our discussion?
|
||
|
||
EVIL No time for that now. Look out the window to the
|
||
ANGEL east.
|
||
|
||
BALTHAZAR Why, what a bright star.
|
||
|
||
EVIL You are to follow that star and give gifts to the
|
||
ANGEL Lord's child, but hurry. We can't keep that star on
|
||
forever.
|
||
|
||
GASPAR Why not?
|
||
|
||
EVIL It's too expensive! Heaven's been broke ever since
|
||
ANGEL Ice Man bribed his way in. He was only there for a
|
||
few minutes before he blew all our prophets. Now
|
||
hurry!
|
||
|
||
(FADE)
|
||
|
||
F/X FADE UP STABLE ATMOS. THE BABY IS CRYING LOUDLY
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 So this is Jesus, is it?
|
||
|
||
MARY Yep.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD2 And he came from heaven did he?
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH That's right.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD3 I can see why they wanted him out.
|
||
|
||
SHEPHERD1 Still, he does have a fresh faced look about him.
|
||
|
||
F/X BANGING ON DOOR.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Who can that be?
|
||
|
||
MARY Probably the convention members complaining about
|
||
the noise.
|
||
|
||
F/X DOOR OPENED
|
||
|
||
GASPAR Hello, we are magi, come to pay homage to your baby.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Oh?
|
||
|
||
GASPAR We have brought gifts, of gold...
|
||
|
||
MELCHIOR ...frank incest...
|
||
|
||
BALTHAZAR ... and Smirnoff.
|
||
|
||
JOSEPH Great, hand me the bottle.
|
||
|
||
JESUS Waaaaaaaa!
|
||
|
||
(END)
|
||
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
======================
|
||
Entertainment Guide.
|
||
======================
|
||
|
||
If you were to describe yourself by a song that is
|
||
well known, which would you choose? Here are some of
|
||
our suggestions:
|
||
|
||
Masked Avenger: "I should be so lucky."
|
||
- Kylie Monogue
|
||
|
||
Fearless Fred: "Cheap wine and a three day growth"
|
||
- Cold Chisel
|
||
|
||
Vagabond: "Telegraph Road."
|
||
- Dire Straits
|
||
|
||
Craig Bowen: "Computer One"
|
||
- Dear Enemy
|
||
|
||
Ice Man: "Simply Irresistible." (To Faggots)
|
||
- Robbie Palmer
|
||
(Does he have 5 brothers?)
|
||
|
||
Monk & ECH!? "Groovy kind of love"
|
||
- Phil Collins
|
||
|
||
The Lensman: "Ground control to Major Tom"
|
||
- David Bowie
|
||
(After all that Rocket Fuel he's drank)
|
||
"Rocket Man"
|
||
- Elton John
|
||
|
||
Ivan Trotsky: "Back in the U.S.S.R."
|
||
- Beatles / Billy Joel
|
||
|
||
Disk Destroyer: "Like a Virgin"
|
||
- Madonna
|
||
|
||
Raster Blaster: "Don't worry, be happy."
|
||
- Bobby McFarrin
|
||
|
||
Infiltrator: "I like driving in my car."
|
||
(It's not quite a Jaguar)
|
||
- Madness
|
||
|
||
Blue Fox: "Am I ever gonna see your face again?
|
||
(No way get fucked, fuck off!)"
|
||
- The Angels
|
||
|
||
SYN ...: "I can't get no satisfaction."
|
||
- Mick Jagger
|
||
|
||
Simply Sparks: "If you leave me, can I come too?"
|
||
- Mental as Anything
|
||
|
||
Fire Fox: "She's leaving home, bye bye."
|
||
- The Beatles
|
||
|
||
Captain Chaos: "I love aeroplane Jelly!"
|
||
- Advertisement.
|
||
"I'm a happy little vegemite."
|
||
- Advertisement.
|
||
|
||
Taxi Cab: "Money for Nothing."
|
||
- Dire Straits
|
||
|
||
Blue Thunder: "Jail House Rock"
|
||
- Elvis Presly
|
||
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
=====================
|
||
The Year in Review.
|
||
=====================
|
||
|
||
Half an hour into the new year, The Masked Pedophile got on with
|
||
a 13 year old in MY water bed, with his sister lying on the
|
||
other side of the bed.
|
||
|
||
Craig set up his 2nd BBS, Zen BBS.
|
||
|
||
Raster chalked up his 20th woman (Royna), 1st Car (Gemini).
|
||
|
||
SYN ... ceases stalking knights.
|
||
|
||
Taxi Cab had just arrived on the scene, and became a
|
||
member of the big hacking group; The Elite.
|
||
|
||
Monk and ECH!? chalked up their first month together.
|
||
|
||
Royna chalked up her first tree-stump.
|
||
|
||
Masky got his first girlfriend, Natasha, went away for
|
||
a dirty weekend, and returned. And they split up after
|
||
a month of Tashy being sexually frustrated!
|
||
(And this is THE Natasha that is known for her football
|
||
team fetish. And she likes MIXED teams too!)
|
||
|
||
Raster tried to chalk up his first truck. (Truck 1. Raster 0.)
|
||
|
||
Raster chalked up his 2nd Car, (SillyCar), and 21st Woman (Mandy).
|
||
|
||
Taxi Cab was not amused at the release of A.T. 4 where it is
|
||
revealed that The Elite are not a Hacking group, but members
|
||
of Evil Angels!
|
||
|
||
Fred's water bed is broken (when Monk joins him & ECH!? in it).
|
||
|
||
Masky split up with Natasha, and eventually found Bianca.
|
||
Soon to owe me 2 bottles of Southern Comfort!
|
||
|
||
Vagabond tried to become a tree-stump, but fails, (Royna fell
|
||
asleep.)
|
||
|
||
Fred borrowed $2 from Masky. IT WAS $2!!!!
|
||
|
||
Royna chalked up eighth (married) tree-stump a week later.
|
||
|
||
Fearless Fred chalked up 21 years of Drunken Slobbery.
|
||
|
||
Masky sucked on bottle of Malibu.
|
||
Masky sucked on his first set of toes.
|
||
Masky sucked some more on Malibu.
|
||
Masky sucked on his second set of toes.
|
||
Masky sucked nearly all of Malibu.
|
||
Masky fell over.
|
||
(Gee Masky sux)
|
||
|
||
Masky reached the ripe old age of 18, and invited his 300 +
|
||
friends to his party. The 15 people that turned up to his
|
||
party went and visited Taxi Cab.
|
||
|
||
Taxi demonstrated his riding skills by riding with no hands.
|
||
Taxi demonstrated his falling skills.
|
||
Taxi made the point that he didn't like us.
|
||
|
||
Disk Destroyer finally met a woman.
|
||
|
||
Raster chalked up his 1st fence, 3rd car (Honda Shit-Box Integra)
|
||
and 22nd woman (Melissa).
|
||
|
||
Disk Destroyer talks for a record 5 1/2 hours.
|
||
|
||
Fred gets a new water bed and IS NOT having a party this year!
|
||
|
||
On Cup day it became unofficially official that Trotsky and Syn
|
||
were together. A week later it became officially official, and a
|
||
month later it became officially unofficial.
|
||
|
||
Mega Works has a car Rally. Fred and his car of alcoholics (Fred,
|
||
Lensman, Eliminator and Death Man) came last, consumed over a
|
||
slab of beer, dent Gem Gem's front bumper, wrapped several cars
|
||
in toilet paper, inflate balloons with exhaust fumes, cover
|
||
Vagabond's Dad's car in flour, and bullshit a lot.
|
||
But best of all, discover how cool a Garfield looks on the bonnet
|
||
of Gem Gem when travelling at 140 KMPH.
|
||
|
||
Monk and ECH!? celebrate 1 year of sharing chocolate.
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
=======================
|
||
This Edition's Awards
|
||
=======================
|
||
|
||
Sysop of the Year............................. Craig Bowen
|
||
|
||
Bastard of the Year........................... Masked Avenger
|
||
|
||
Attempted Driver of the Year.................. ECH!?
|
||
(I passed my test on the first go! Then again, what
|
||
can you expect from a woman driver?)
|
||
|
||
Drunken Sysop of the Year..................... Fearless Fred
|
||
|
||
Dork of the Year.............................. Captain Chaos
|
||
|
||
Boring Person of the Year..................... Vagabond
|
||
|
||
Ultra Slut.................................... Royna
|
||
(No love(rs) lost between sisters huh?)
|
||
|
||
Paranoid Award................................ Raster Blaster
|
||
(Yeah I know... Fuck off, just FUCK OFF!)
|
||
|
||
Astronaut of the Year......................... The Lensman
|
||
(Oh, that rocket fuel!)
|
||
|
||
Tastiest Knee Caps............................ Fran
|
||
(Please... just a little whipped cream?)
|
||
|
||
Most Pathetic Phonecall Award................. Fearless Fred
|
||
|
||
Love Lost Romeo of the Year................... Ivan Trotsky
|
||
|
||
Love Lost Juliet of the Year.................. SYN ...
|
||
|
||
(These awards may not be related, but bet your balls they are!)
|
||
|
||
Toe Sucker of the Year Award.................. Masked Avenger
|
||
|
||
Fresh Faced 16 Year Old Award................. Disk Destroyer
|
||
|
||
Mad Rabid Wog of the Year..................... Gino
|
||
(Watch out for Gino's driving Taragos)
|
||
|
||
Street Sign Collector Award................... Infiltrator
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
========================
|
||
Quotes for this month.
|
||
========================
|
||
|
||
Santa: "Ho Ho Ho"
|
||
|
||
Lensman: (About Royna's braces)
|
||
"What a pair of inbuilt circumcisors."
|
||
|
||
Royna: "I hate picking the flesh out of my braces in the morning."
|
||
|
||
Vagabond: (After reading add for Zen) "I'll buy the SYN ..."
|
||
|
||
Vagabond (TO SYN ...): "I've only got you something small."
|
||
|
||
SYN ... (To Vagabond): "I can make it hard."
|
||
|
||
Vagabond (To SYN ...): "I'll give it to you while you're
|
||
waitressing."
|
||
|
||
Vagabond (To SYN ...): "Are you going to come yet?"
|
||
|
||
SYN ... (To Vagabond): "Yeah, I'll come..."
|
||
|
||
Vagabond: "Hit me! Whip me! Call me Bruce!"
|
||
|
||
Lensman: "Wow! Toenails!"
|
||
|
||
Monk: "My dog eats toenails."
|
||
(I thought ECH!? was into chocolate!)
|
||
|
||
Blue Fox: "I've got a fucking shop full of fucking customers."
|
||
(That's the Blue Fox we used to know!)
|
||
"Byesey Bi."
|
||
(Who's bi? There's faggots around, but bi's???)
|
||
|
||
Fire Fox: "My body's OK, my brain's just doesn't work."
|
||
|
||
Masky: "Lance,"
|
||
|
||
Lance Link: "Yeah"
|
||
|
||
Masky: "Can I ask you a question?"
|
||
|
||
Lance Link: "Yeah"
|
||
|
||
Masky: "Lance, are you gay?"
|
||
|
||
Lance: "Yeah, I mean....."
|
||
|
||
5th Dimension: "I'm a faggot."
|
||
|
||
Craig Bowen: "I'll have anything soft."
|
||
|
||
Negative Energy: "I've got a hands free... now I can
|
||
wank and talk at the same time."
|
||
|
||
Ice Man: "Oh Robbie, get your hands out of my pants!"
|
||
|
||
Ivan Trotsky: "The only way I could get my heart beat to
|
||
down was to suck on something."
|
||
(SYN ... maybe?)
|
||
|
||
Ivan Trotsky: "(Ice Man) not tonight, I've got a headache."
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
================
|
||
Horror Scopes.
|
||
================
|
||
|
||
By Ze Prophet
|
||
|
||
My predictionth for nexth year:
|
||
|
||
Well, I think that darhling Darriuth will move onto bigger
|
||
and better thingth in the nexth year. The Mathked Avenger
|
||
will be buying Thouthern Comfort for Fred, Rarthter will
|
||
crash hith car (thatth a thafe bet). Telecom will make another
|
||
record profit with Gordie thubthidithing Authtralia's Amiga
|
||
piratth. Craig Bowen will continue hith exthellent thythopping
|
||
and Fred will continue his exthellent drunken thythopping.
|
||
Monk & ECH!? will continue sharing their chocolate barth,
|
||
and Lenthman will reach Marth by developing a thronger
|
||
rocket fuel. There'th a LOT faggotth running around out there
|
||
tho I think that my love live may altho pick up.
|
||
|
||
Till next year huneeth.... XXXXOOOOXXXX
|
||
|
||
Ze Prophet.
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
======================
|
||
The Classified Pages
|
||
======================
|
||
|
||
For Sale: One Red (Slightly crashed) Honda (shit box) Integra
|
||
In near working condition.
|
||
Almost as new, except that one of the seats
|
||
has been farted on,
|
||
and the stains on the back seat.
|
||
Must Sell, I can't afford the insurance anymore!
|
||
|
||
Contact Raster Blaster, C/o Pacific Island.
|
||
(03) 890-2174
|
||
|
||
--------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
For Sale: One slightly used BBS, Low mileage, still runs OK,
|
||
Has Multi-line CHAT facilities, Name currently
|
||
registered as "ZEN", Bonus 120 Meg worth of Hard Disk
|
||
and four lines for no extra cost.
|
||
|
||
Unfortunately it can't be moved from it's current
|
||
Location so house is being sold as a special bonus.
|
||
How much would you expect to pay for all this? Don't ask!
|
||
|
||
As an added bonus, we'll throw in Craig Bowen
|
||
absolutely free! But wait... We'll also give you a free
|
||
set of used underwear and a Pacific Island. How much would
|
||
you expect to pay? Don't answer! Because, if you act
|
||
quickly we'll also throw in at NO EXTRA charge a SYN ...
|
||
Now you would probably expect to pay over $500,000
|
||
for all this, and your FUCKING right!
|
||
|
||
Current selling price stands at $675,000.
|
||
Contact BBS's R US on our toll free number:
|
||
|
||
0014881011
|
||
|
||
--------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
For Sale: Slightly used Calling Cards.
|
||
Only 4 weeks old with at least 2 hours left on them.
|
||
Accessible by all those without AT&T bars.
|
||
Cannot be traced. Previous owners can be contacted at
|
||
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
|
||
Washington, D.C.
|
||
Contact Taxi Cab for more information. $100 ONO.
|
||
|
||
--------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
For Sale: NUI's NUI's NUI's NUI's!
|
||
Are you trying to call overseas PADs with no success?
|
||
Do you get CLR INV 169 with every NUI that you use?
|
||
If this is your problem, then look no futher.
|
||
|
||
Ollie's NUI Supply Service
|
||
***** CAN HELP YOU! *****
|
||
|
||
NUI's guarnteed for at least 1 month.
|
||
Full AINS access for p/w modification and security
|
||
classification Level A1.
|
||
|
||
Call GreyHawk BBS on 299 1030 and ask for either
|
||
the SYSOP or The Mentat. Price Lists are available
|
||
on request. Virgin NUI's $200
|
||
Used NUI's $100.
|
||
|
||
--------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Wanted: 20, 40 & 80 Meg Hard Disks for use on Amiga Pirate
|
||
Bulletin Boards. Either Voice Coil or Stepper.
|
||
Must come with IBM interface card.
|
||
Preferably legaly obtained drives, but slightly hot ones
|
||
will also be accepted if price is reasonable.
|
||
Leave a message on Zen BBS Amiga Section.
|
||
You will be contacted in due course.
|
||
|
||
--------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Found: One SKYSAT Satellite Dish.
|
||
2.3 Metre diameter
|
||
Coax wire still intact.
|
||
Registered to the Lost Dog Hotel
|
||
Currently being used for illegal satellite hacking.
|
||
Owner is being asked to claim it ASAP.
|
||
|
||
--------------------------------------------------
|
||
If you wish to advertise here, please contact either:
|
||
Fearless Fred. C/o The Twilite Zone (03) 562-0686
|
||
or Vagabond C/o The Truth BBS (03) 813-1663
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
========================
|
||
E V I L A N G E L S
|
||
========================
|
||
|
||
At present the Evil Angels team consists of the following:
|
||
|
||
Founder: The Masked Avenger
|
||
|
||
Editor: Lightening Bolt (Fearless Fred)
|
||
|
||
Reporter: Ford Prefect
|
||
|
||
Programmer: Vagabond
|
||
(BSF Boys)
|
||
|
||
Associate Members: Thelonius Monk
|
||
Eliminator
|
||
Lensman
|
||
Vagabond
|
||
Lounge Lizard
|
||
Nixx
|
||
SYN ... (Token Female. We aren't sexist!
|
||
We don't get much either.)
|
||
Disk Destroyer
|
||
Sprite
|
||
|
||
Favorite people: Taxi Cab Blue Fox
|
||
(To hassle.) Captain Chaos Simply Sparks
|
||
Fire Fox Vagabond
|
||
Raster Blaster SYN ...
|
||
Disk Destroyer Ice Man (and Robbie)
|
||
Royna Masked Avenger
|
||
|
||
You too can help rid the world of nerds. By purchasing any of
|
||
the following quality official Evil Angels Products.
|
||
|
||
"I hate the Masked Avenger" Badges $ 3.00
|
||
|
||
"Hug your computer today" car signs $ 4-00
|
||
|
||
Evil Angels Badges... $ 3.00
|
||
|
||
Evil Angels Windcheaters... $25-00
|
||
|
||
All sizes, all colours, design is:
|
||
_______ _______
|
||
/ \______/ \
|
||
/ \ /|
|
||
/___/| Evil Angels |\___\ / |-------- NOW
|
||
| ______ | \ |-------- AVAILABLE!
|
||
| / E.A. \ | \|
|
||
| | Logo | |
|
||
| \______/ |
|
||
| Ridding the |
|
||
| world of nerds!|
|
||
|________________|
|
||
|
||
|
||
Printed versions of Anarchistic Tendencies Parts 1-8: $16-00
|
||
|
||
Remember... donations to Evil Angels are NOT tax deductible,
|
||
but will help rid the world of nerds!
|
||
|
||
+-----------------------------------+
|
||
| Donations & Payments can be sent: |
|
||
| |
|
||
| C/o Craig Bowen, |
|
||
| P.O. Box 125, |
|
||
| Balwyn, 3103. |
|
||
+-----------------------------------+
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Anarchistic Tendencies VIII
|
||
(C) December 1988
|
||
YOU HAVE NO GODDAMNMUTHAFUKING RIGHTS!
|
||
|
||
**************************************
|
||
* NO PART OF THIS FILE MAY BE *
|
||
* PUBLISHED IN MASS MEDIA WITHOUT *
|
||
* THE AUTHORS' WRITTEN PERMISSION *
|
||
* AND HALF OF THE AUTHORS DON'T *
|
||
* KNOW HOW TO WRITE. THE OTHER HALF *
|
||
* ARE USUALLY DRUNK! *
|
||
* *
|
||
* - That's a god-dammed warning *
|
||
* *
|
||
**************************************
|
||
|
||
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
|
||
YOURMOTHERSUCKSCOCKSINHELL
|
||
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Disclaimer: The authors have gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to
|
||
ensure that this file contains no offensive material. However, should
|
||
you find anything which you object to, STIFF SHIT! You can't sue us!
|
||
This file is written with the intent of producing a
|
||
humorous file which will be enjoyed by everyone, and no offense is
|
||
intended towards any person or persons however much they are
|
||
mentioned.
|
||
Hey Santa, does this mean I don't get any pressies this
|
||
year?
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Evil Angels will return with Anarchistic Tendencies IX
|
||
------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Evil Angels' Pet Care Manual.
|
||
|
||
(Endorsed by the R.S.P.K.A.)
|
||
|
||
(Royal Society for Prevention of Kindness to Animals.)
|
||
|
||
|
||
Press Escape to Quit.
|
||
|
||
|