1660 lines
80 KiB
Plaintext
1660 lines
80 KiB
Plaintext
THE WORLD'S BEST SELLERS - June, 2070 AD.
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10. Sexual Satisfaction From Pollinating Flowers - D. Destroyer
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9. If you can't whip them, beat them. - F. Fred
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(A collect of poems dedicated to the Dairy Industry.)
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8. 101 Phreaky Things to do Alone in Bed - T. Cab
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7. The Kama Syn - Synful Publishing Corp. - Ms SYN ...
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6. How to be the Complete Bastard. Vol III - M. Avenger
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5. How to make three inches look like NINE. - R. Blaster
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4. Macros Made Easy - F. Prefect
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3. Alcoholic's Guide to the Universe. - F. Fred
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2. Sex At 47,000 feet - J. Alderman
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\___\ | | \_____/ \ \/ / \___/
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/|________/ | \__/
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/ __________/
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\_|
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P R O U D L Y P R E S E N T . . .
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2 0 1 5 ' s N u m b e r ONE B e s t S e l l e r . . .
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T h e S t a r - S t u d d e d , S t u d - S t a r r i n g . . .
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+-+ +-+
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| ##################### |
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| E X T R A C T S F R O M T H E |
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| and stories about other perverts. |
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| Written by Ford Prefect, Fearless Fred, and introducing |
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| Avalon. |
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+-+ +-+
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+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
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///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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/////////////////// W A R N I N G ! ///////////////////////
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///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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_
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# # # ###### # # ####### / \
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# # # # # # # # /___\
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# # # # # # # # // \\
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###### ##### ## # # # / )0 0( \
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# # # # # # # # / | A | \
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# # # # # # # # \ \"""/ /
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# # # # ###### ###### # # \ |"""| /
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\ --- /
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DANGER! This piece of literature has been found \ /
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to contain toxic amounts of absolute \_/
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bullshit.
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+----+----+----+
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AVOID SKIN CONTACT. | | | |
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AVOID BREATHING FUMES. | 3 | W | E |
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KEEP AWAY FROM FOODSTUFFS. | | | |
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KEEP CONTAINED IN A LEAD-LINED HARD-DRIVE. +----+----+----+
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+---------------------------------+------+ In case of
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| |# | spillage, quote
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| ANARCHISTIC TENDENCIES 12 | 0469 | number.
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| | | <-------
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+---------------------------------+------+
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IN CASE OF ACCIDENT, PHONE THESE EMERGENCY SERVICES:
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The Twilight Zone. 562-0686 ALL SPEEDS NOW RUNNING QBBS
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The Burning Crucifix. 562-0938 ALL SPEEDS NOW RUNNING
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P.I. RETURNS
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Don't call Zen BBS. 899-6180 Most Speeds Not Running TBBS
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on 4 lines anymore.
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Doodz Domain. 646-5861 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
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Further Regions. 725-1923 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
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The Crossover. 367-5816 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
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+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
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_______---------------_________________---------------_______
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|2 | 3|
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| The Memoirs of Dianne | INTRODUCTION |
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| Nichols. | I am writing this book for |
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| | two reasons. The first is to |
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| CONTENTS page# | quash those vicious rumours |
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| | that are going 'round the |
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| Introduction...............3 | boards. |
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| My History and | Just because I'm now 102 |
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| Hysterectomy............8 | DOESN'T mean I'm past it! |
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| Men.......................20 | Let me tell you that the |
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| Women.....................53 | only difference between the |
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| Fruit.....................72 | new pro's and me is the |
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| Animals...................85 | difference between vaseline |
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| Vegetables...............107 | and poly-filla. I'M AS RANDY |
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| Minerals.................129 | AS EVER! |
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| Other things to try......135 | Secondly, having done it |
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| Other things not to try..152 | with everything from A to Z |
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| Getting kinky............170 | I now want to share my |
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| | experience with others. For |
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| (Cont on back page) | example, the new pervert may |
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|_______---------------________|________---------------_______|
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____________________________________________________________
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/ | \
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| O | Rough Draft - My Memoirs. about page 10. |
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| | ----------- ----------- |
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| O | well. Also, I've traced my incestory back to the |
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| | ^ANCESTRY |
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| | United States. It was here that my family name, |
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| | Nicholls, first appeared, as this was what people paid |
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| | |
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| | for a bit of nookie. |
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| | |
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| | My ancestors stayed in the USA until 1801, when they |
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| | |
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| | migrated to England. It was here, in a foggy Whitechapel|
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| | street on the night of August 31st, 1888, that my poor |
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| | |
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| | great-great grandmother, Polly Nicholls (another pro. |
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| | in my heritage) was murdered by Jack the Ripper. At |
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| | least she died on the job, I always think it's the way |
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| | she woold have wanted it |
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| | ^WOULD |
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| | Anyway, after her death, my shocked family left |
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| | |
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| | England to find greener pastures and softer beds in |
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| | Australia, and even dropped one of the "l"s from their |
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| | surnames. |
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| | I, myself, was born on June 12, 1969, in my mother's |
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| O | |
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| | brothel. I was a real brothel sprout, and I suppose it |
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| O | |
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| | explains why it was inevitable that I "lost it" at age |
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\___|_________________________________________________________|
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+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
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Final draft - THE MEMOIRS OF DIANNE NICHOLS.
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CHAPTER XXIII - DISAPPOINTMENTS.
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Part I - Vagabond.
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I think when Ze Prophet predicted that Vagabond was my perfect match,
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it was the most absolutely incorrect thing he ever foretold. More of
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a contradiction than a prediction.
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I soon found out that the only thing Vagabond and I had in common
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was that we were both like punctured tyres- Vagabond was never hard,
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but I always wanted to be pumped, so our relationship was doomed
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from the start.
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I can still remember our first night together. We went to the Hairy
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Clam, the official Evil Angels seafood restaurant [editorial
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footnote- This restaurant is already open at 264C Swanston Street,
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just above our cinema] which is managed by Fearless Fred in his spare
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time.
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EDITORIAL NOTE: It appears Dianne Nichols will remember little of
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what went on in the restaurant, for her memoirs do not elaborate on
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the evening. However, we have managed to get hold of the video tape
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from the restaurant's security camera, so here is a description of
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the events... [Tape Date: 24-01-54 19:32:21]
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"Hello", said Fred as Vagabond and Dianne entered the foyer, "can I
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help you?"
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"We'd like a table for two", said Vagabond.
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"Certainly, sir", said Fred, showing them into the main part of the
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restaurant.
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Fred seemed to be having difficulty keeping his hands off Dianne, so
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he kept them occupied by fishing a notepad and pencil from his
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pocket.
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"Would you like to order now?", he asked Dianne, keeping his back to
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Vagabond.
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"I wouldn't mind tasting your salted mussel", said Dianne, looking
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pointedly at Fred's groin.
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"It would go quite well with a bit of a groper", hinted back Fred.
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"Ahh, excuse me", said Vagabond loudly, tapping Fred on the back,
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"I'd like to have crabs."
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"Shuddup!", spat Fred as he span around and shoved a bread roll in
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Vagabond's mouth, "I'm serving the lady!"
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He turned back to Dianne, and said "If you want to try something
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really novel, I could bring my eel out and flop it on the table."
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Dianne could not help giggling, and Fred knew he was 90% of the way
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to getting her away from Vagabond.
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"I've changed my mind", announced Vagabond, "could you change that
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order? I want a floured plaice instead."
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Fred jumped around again and held a clenched fist under Vagabond's
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nose. "It'll be a ploughed face you'll get in a minute! Now stop
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interrupting!" Fred gesticulated in a way that would have made Basil
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Fawlty leap away.
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[Editorial note- if you own the restaurant, it's okay to behave like
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Fred is now, but don't expect a tip. - FP]
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"I think I'll..."
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"What's there to drink?", asked Dianne.
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"I'll just get the wine waiter", said Fred, "FORD!!! Fucking get over
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here!"
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Ford Prefect came from across the room and ogled at Dianne as Fred
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headed towards the kitchen with the order. Originally, Fred, with his
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vast knowledge of alcoholic amalgamation, was to be the wine waiter,
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but then everyone else involved with the restaurant realised that
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introducing Fred to the entire supply of alcohol in a restaurant
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would be less sensible than introducing neutrons to uranium-235.
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"Hello Dianne", said Ford, "can I interest you in an Orgasm?"
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"Ford!", yelled Fred from across the restaurant, "she's mine! Just
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serve her! Wines, NOT COCKTALES!"
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Ford looked puzzled, "If she's all yours, why do you want me to...?"
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He trailed off, then asked, "Did you say serve her, or service her?"
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"I said SERVE her."
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"Oh, right." Ford turned back to Dianne, and handed her a drinks
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list.
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"I recommend the cheap stuff. I think you'll like the Vino Plonko,
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the Evil Angels special home brew. Avalon made it with his own two
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feet!" [Which "two feet" we mean is open for speculation! - FP]
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[The rest of the evening in the restaurant passed uneventfully,
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except for two unfortunate (?) instances; one when Fred was setting
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the table and Dianne asked for a fork, and one when Ford brought out
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the wine and Dianne asked to taste his cork.]
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--------------------------------------
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The real let-down came when Vagabond took me home, and the time came
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when he took his pants off. I almost burst out laughing when I saw
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it! No jokes, his organ must have been the size of a half-sucked
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tictac.
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"Who do you expect to sexually satisfy with THAT?", I asked.
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"Me, meeee!", he whined.
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Well, he'd paid for me in advance, so there wasn't much I could do
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except go ahead with it. I soon found out that he had worse rhythm
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than a broken metronome. Believe me, his fucking was completely
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knackered. Also, his knackers were completely fucked. I think I've
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seen bigger balls on the heads on pins.
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Part II - Disk Destroyer.
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This guy made Vagabond look macho!
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You know, I often think of penises as salada biscuits; Fred's is
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man-sized, Masky's is snack-size, and poor little DD's is bite-size.
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Did I say penis? Disk Destroyer's was more... more a "punyis".
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+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
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+------------------------------+
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Chapter 50 - The Karma Nichols
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+------------------------------+
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FROM THE MEMOIRS:
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"The day after I had sexually gone through the alphabet for
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the third time, I asked my keeper, Fearless Fred, if he could
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find some knew ways to do it. For a long time, Fred racked his
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brains. Then he jabbed them with red hot pokers, boiled them in
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oil, and even put them in thumb screws, perhaps to get the
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synapses closer than three centimetres.
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Then he came up with the answer- he asked his friends and
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made a lot of diagrams and notes. Here are a few of my
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favourites..." - DN
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POSITION # 29,224
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The Vertical Position.
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#####
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#### o DIAGRAM: This position is most
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### > suitable for two people.
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### O
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## / TIP: Best done by gymnasts.
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_| |_
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/ \ NOTE: This position is best in
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| | | | Zero Gravity.
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| | | |
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| | '----,
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/\ | \------' /\
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/ \ | | / \
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\/\ \ | | / /\/
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\ \\ / / /
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\ \\ /\_/ /
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\ #| |### /
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/ | |_ \
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| (___) |
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| o o |
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/ __ __ \
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| / | | \ |
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| | / o \ | |
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| | | > | | | TECHNIQUE TESTING:
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| | #o o# | | Dianne Nichols (lower pos.)
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| | ######| | Sprite (upper pos.)
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| | ##### | |
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_| | ## | |_
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/___/ # \___\
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POSITION # 40,251
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The Clock Position. +-----+
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___________ |12:15| DIAGRAM: Note circular bed.
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_/ ##### \_ +-----+ Available from Captain Sleeze
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_/ #o o# \_ Bedding, cnr of Elizabeth and
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_/ | < | \_ Collins. See Fizban, Tues or
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| \ o / | Thu.
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| ___| |___ |
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| / \ | EXPLANATION: The male is the
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| | | . . | | | hour hand, and acts as a
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| | | __ | | __ "pivot" for the female or
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'_____| |_/ \| |____/ \ #### minute hand, who of course
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( | \_/ \_/ _######## rotates in a clockwise
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`-'------\___ _ _ _ ####### direction. Really
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,-,------/ |--###### adventurous groups in
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(_|_______ ______ \ # which the female doesn't
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| \__/| \ \--\ mind anal sex form a
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| | | | | \____/ threesome and include a
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\_ __| | | |__ _/ second hand.
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\_ (____| |____) _/
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\_ _/ NOTES: A lot of lubricants are
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\_________/ essential, else the guys will twist
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something (possibly off).
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TECHNIQUE TESTING: Simple Sparks (hour hand)
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Dianne Nichols (minutes hand)
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Thelonius Monk (second hand)
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+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
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+---------------+
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The Final Chapter
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+---------------+
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(What Dianne could never write in her memoirs.)
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Dianne Nichols died on the 6th September 2074 aged 106.
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She died, it is believed, of an overdose of aphrodisiacs.
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In accordance with Dianne's Last Will and Testicle, she was buried on
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the cemetery planet Kitalpha IV (local name Mortuas).
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THE GREAT BBS CENTER ON THE PLANET MORTUAS.
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+-------------------------------+
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| # ## ::::::::::: |Shuttle
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|# :::::::::::::::::: # # # |Pad 9.
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| : # # # : # #| |
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|# : # # # ## 1: # a +--:::-+
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+--------+ : # # #: : # : |
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|# # # # : # ## # : # : # ##: +------+
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|# ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: bXXX|
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|# : #: # : # : # # # #:::::::XXX|
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| : : # : : # # # :::::
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|# : : # : # # # : #2 # : |
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+-:+ ::::::::::::::::::::::: : # # # |
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+----------------------------:----------------------+
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::::::: pathway # tomb stone.
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a: SysOp's Knoll.
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b: Caretaker's Hut # 1-8-1-4-69
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1: The grave of Dianne Nichols.
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2: The grave of Cefiar. (Originally John Doe #216)
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Cefiar's body was found lying in Stevenson Lane, off
|
|
Lonsdale Street.
|
|
|
|
Copy of Official Police Report:
|
|
|
|
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|MELBOURNE POLICE FORCE; REPORT FROM INVESTIGATING OFFICER. |
|
|
| |
|
|
|I +------------------+-----+-----+------+-----------------+ |
|
|
|N |Incident | Mo. | Day | Year | Time of Death | |
|
|
|C | MURDER | 8 | 15 | 2061 | APPROX 3:15 am | |
|
|
|I +-----------------++-----+-----+------++----------------+ |
|
|
|D |Discovered by | Time of discovery | Apparent cause | |
|
|
|E | | | of death | |
|
|
|N |Miss Ech!?, | 5:25 am | SUFFOCATION | |
|
|
|T |local hooker. | | | |
|
|
| +-----------------+--------------------+----------------+ |
|
|
| |Circumstances leading to death: | |
|
|
| | The body was found lying in a large, wet paper bag, | |
|
|
| |and the victim was apparently unable to break free | |
|
|
| |before his air ran out. | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
|
|
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
|
|
| |Suspects: | |
|
|
| | No strong suspects or leads, anyone in the BBS world | |
|
|
| |could have done it. Which just goes to prove what we | |
|
|
| |knew all along: Everyone who gets involved with BBSes | |
|
|
| |is a bit suspect. | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
|
|
| Other circumstances: |
|
|
| |
|
|
| a. Body was found in Stevenson Lane. Forensics indicate |
|
|
| body had not been dumped here; incident took place where|
|
|
| body was found. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| b. Evidence of a struggle, rules out suicide. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| c. Death foreseeable for this man, rules out a practical |
|
|
| joke gone wrong. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| d. Strangely, the body carried no ID. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| e. Effects of victim: |
|
|
| - Little black book (empty) |
|
|
| - Black imitation leather wallet. |
|
|
| - Dog shit in wallet. (The missing ID?) |
|
|
| - $27.58c in wallet. |
|
|
| - Unused Prophylatic, USE BY DATE 24/6/1989 |
|
|
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|Investigating Officer INSPECTOR OVTITS, Melbourne Police |
|
|
| |
|
|
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
The body was then removed to the city morgue, where it was
|
|
registered as John Doe #216. When the body was to be given a
|
|
standard "unclaimed body disposal" (ie corpse in a cardboard
|
|
box, put in the hold of a Boeing 747 until the aeroplane
|
|
self-cremates, ashes sold to Poms as novelty cricket mementoes)
|
|
it was discovered the body would not fit in even the largest
|
|
grocery box available. A quick thinking necrophiliac mortuary
|
|
attendant gave the body an enema, and then the body could fit in
|
|
a matchbox. This aroused suspicion, and some checks were done,
|
|
and the body was positively identified as Cefiar.
|
|
|
|
3: Tombstone marking the resting place of The Bogan. The Bogan
|
|
died in the Earth year 2077 AD, due to sexual exhaustion.
|
|
|
|
Because The Bogan spent much of her time on Shuttle Refuel
|
|
Beacon #223, her dates of birth and death are, on her grave
|
|
stone, written in the Beacon's own time-measuring system.
|
|
|
|
In this system, The Bogan lived from 59 to 509 Beacon
|
|
tera-rotations. Unfortunately, the mason who etched her epitaph
|
|
decided to record the dates in Roman numerals, so the
|
|
inscription now reads:
|
|
_____________
|
|
/ -o- \
|
|
| |
|
|
| THE |
|
|
| BOGAN |
|
|
| |
|
|
| LIX |
|
|
| DIX |
|
|
| |
|
|
|_____________|
|
|
|
|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| |
|
|
| SO. You want to have sex with Dianne Nichols? |
|
|
| To be eligible, honestly take the following quiz and check |
|
|
| your score at the end. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| QUESTIONS: |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (1) "Doggy style" is... |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (a) ....errrr, um, what was the question again? |
|
|
| (b) My bone in your mouth. |
|
|
| (c) Great when you both want to watch TV as well. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (2) What is the best form of contraception you use? |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (a) Bailing out at the last moment. |
|
|
| (b) Condoms. |
|
|
| (c) Piece of gladwrap. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (3) Is your penis the consistency of |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (a) Titanium? |
|
|
| (b) Lead? |
|
|
| (c) Mercury? |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (4) Do you like Bondage? |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (a) No. |
|
|
| (b) Yes. "The Spy Who Loved Me" was my favourite. |
|
|
| (c) If you bring the nylon rope, I'll bring the cat o' |
|
|
| nine tails. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (5) Are you good in the 69 position? |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (a) Did my face look like a glazed doughnut this |
|
|
| morning? |
|
|
| (b) Is that something to do with Tattslotto? |
|
|
| (c) I'm too embarrassed to find out. |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (6) Do you compare your sexual prowess to being equal to |
|
|
| or less than that of... |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (a) Taxi Cab? |
|
|
| (b) Disk Destroyer? |
|
|
| (c) None of the above? |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (7) Have you ever been on the floor all night with a member |
|
|
| of the opposite sex? |
|
|
| |
|
|
| (a) Yes, but that WAS during the finals of the Melbourne|
|
|
| ballroom dancing championships. |
|
|
| (b) No, but I have played with my own member for about |
|
|
| that long. |
|
|
| (c) Yes, and aren't those carpet burns terrible? |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| SCORING (in one sense of the word) |
|
|
| |
|
|
| [1;a:0,b:1,c:3][2;a:1,b:3,c:0][3;a:3,b:2,c:1][4;a:0,b:0,c:3]|
|
|
| [5;a:3,b:0:c:-5][6;a:-5000,b:-2500,c:3][7;a:0,b:1,c:3] |
|
|
| |
|
|
| if you scored: |
|
|
| |
|
|
| LESS THAN 0: |
|
|
| "You have the sexual proficiency of a used |
|
|
| IUD. I suggest suicide" - DN |
|
|
| |
|
|
| BETWEEN 0 AND 17: |
|
|
| "You're too far below my standard. Try a |
|
|
| few weeks of Training Videos and maybe you'll do for an |
|
|
| ordinary deviant" - DN |
|
|
| |
|
|
| GREATER THAN 17: |
|
|
| "Call 562-0686 NOW!" - DN |
|
|
| |
|
|
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
===================
|
|
R E M E M B E R !
|
|
===================
|
|
|
|
----- /\
|
|
/|\ ||
|
|
| / \
|
|
| /_ _\
|
|
| |o o|
|
|
10 inches! | /\ |
|
|
| | ^^ |
|
|
| _|(==)|_ __
|
|
| / | | \ ||||
|
|
| / /| |\ \ / / __
|
|
| / / | | \ \/ / / \
|
|
| | | | | \__/ |
|
|
\|/ \ \| | |
|
|
----- \(======) \__/ C A P T A I N
|
|
/ /\ \ __ -------------
|
|
/ / \ \ / \ C O N D O M
|
|
/ / \ \ |
|
|
( | | ) |
|
|
| | | | \__/
|
|
__| | | |__
|
|
{_____} {_____}
|
|
|
|
About to have sex with a whore/slut/bitch ?
|
|
|
|
Then call Captain Condom (CC), he's always
|
|
ready and willing to save you from the
|
|
Vicious Dark (VD), his number one enemy!
|
|
|
|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
__ __ ___ __ __ __ / ___
|
|
| | | | | | | \ | | | | | | |
|
|
|__| | | |_ | |__/ |__| | | |__| |__
|
|
| | | | | | | \ | | | | | | |
|
|
| | |__| __| | | | | | |___ | | | ___|
|
|
__ ___ _____
|
|
|\ /| | | | |
|
|
| \/ | | | |__ |
|
|
| | | | | |
|
|
| | |__| __| |
|
|
__ __ __ __ __ _____ ___ __
|
|
| \ | | \ | | | | \ | | | \
|
|
|__/ |__ |__/ | | |__ |__/ | |__ | |
|
|
| | | \ \ / | | \ | | | |
|
|
| |__ | | \/ |__ | | | |__ |__/
|
|
|
|
by Ford Prefect.
|
|
------------------
|
|
|
|
In recent months, the sexually related crime rate in the BBS
|
|
community has jumped by 900%. It has been calculated that a lewd offer
|
|
is made to a female user every 7.3 minutes, and she's really getting
|
|
tired of it! (Aren't you Julie?)
|
|
|
|
THIS EDITION'S EPISODE:
|
|
|
|
WHO HAS BEEN PUTTING HOLES IN THELONIUS MONK'S CONDOMS?
|
|
=======================================================
|
|
|
|
The name's Ovtits, Inspector Ovtits to my clientele. As the
|
|
sharper of you may have gathered from the sign on the door, I'm a
|
|
private detective. Peeping through keyholes and bedroom windows a
|
|
speciality. One of my more fascinating case began one morning while I
|
|
had my feet propped up on the desk and I was contemplating a cigarette.
|
|
The door opened, and a very agitated Thelonius Monk walked in.
|
|
|
|
"Please", he begged, "you've got to help me."
|
|
|
|
I eyed him cooly. "And what might you problem be, the main one anyway?"
|
|
|
|
"Well", he said, sitting down, "it's like this, I've been having sex
|
|
with these girls, and after the last one, I realised the condom was
|
|
leaking! At first I thought maybe the baby oil had rotted the rubber
|
|
or the friction had torn it, but then I checked the others I had, and
|
|
they where all the same. I haven't had it off with those girls for a
|
|
week now, and I'm getting desperate!"
|
|
|
|
"So", I said, checking that I had understood him correctly, "those
|
|
condoms had holes in them, so now there's no condoms in those holes?"
|
|
|
|
"Right, that's exactly it. Can you help me find out who sabotaged them?"
|
|
|
|
"I can solve any crime I'm paid for", I assured him, "let's start with
|
|
revenge as a motive." I swung around on the swivelling chair and went
|
|
over to the filing cabinet. I shuffled the manilla folders around, and
|
|
pulled out the one I was looking for.
|
|
|
|
"This is your file", I informed Mr Monk.
|
|
|
|
"I thank heaventh", Monk lisped, "you've found it! And my poor nailth
|
|
are in a terrible meth." He flexed his fingers.
|
|
|
|
"Are you queer?", I confronted him.
|
|
|
|
"Well", he said, returning his voice to normal, "there's a little gay
|
|
in every guy. What's written about me in there?"
|
|
|
|
I opened the file, it was a very short one. (Like Masky's penis) "Not
|
|
much. A brief personal history, photofit picture, hmm, a police
|
|
record... involving a certain incidence last year."
|
|
|
|
"That's not fair!", protested Monk, "in the Middle Ages before they had
|
|
latex, the intestines of sheep were always used as condoms."
|
|
|
|
"I believe that was after the sheep had actually died", I said
|
|
delicately, "and then been gutted. Could the proprietors of... `the
|
|
Daisy Hills Sheep Farm' be wanting to get back at you?"
|
|
|
|
"No, they got all the fines they wanted after the trial."
|
|
"`Bestiality'", Monk said bitterly, "god did that look good on my
|
|
dossier. Still, we're living in the '80s, all sorts of weird things are
|
|
happening. Hairstyles look like hedgehogs, girls are pumping iron, guys
|
|
are pumping plastic. What is the world coming to?"
|
|
|
|
"Mr Monk", I said, leaning forward over my desk, "May I ask, where did
|
|
you buy the leaky condoms?"
|
|
|
|
"Sure, go ahead."
|
|
|
|
"Where did you buy the leaky condoms?"
|
|
|
|
"I got them from the dispensing machine in the Elizabeth Street
|
|
toilets. I often hang 'round there."
|
|
|
|
After my new client, Mr Thelonius Monk, had left, I went straight to
|
|
the GPO and descended the stairs into the male lavatories. It was here
|
|
I questioned the attendant, a Mr Brett McMoron, who apparently was
|
|
always pottering around in the loos somewhere. I found him reading the
|
|
Trading Post...
|
|
|
|
"Yes, I know him, the $'&(*$ $ ( %!"
|
|
|
|
"I take it then you didn't like Mr Monk?"
|
|
|
|
"Too right. You see this black eye? He did that."
|
|
|
|
"Oh, what exactly happened?"
|
|
|
|
"A little argument. He got pretty mad at me when I told him he
|
|
wasn't to do colonic irrigation in here anymore."
|
|
|
|
"Tell me, are you the only one who can open that condom dispenser
|
|
over there?"
|
|
|
|
"Yep, well, usually. I broke my key six months ago though. I was going
|
|
to get the master key off the guy who refills the machine but I was
|
|
away the day he came. Medical reasons, you know."
|
|
|
|
"I'd heard you were pretty sick. What was your complaint."
|
|
|
|
"One of those `Rare African' variety of diseases. Every time I sneezed
|
|
I had an orgasm. I went and saw... I think it was Dr Bowen, and he
|
|
gave me some snuff for it."
|
|
|
|
At that moment, Satan's Daughter came skipping down the stairs, and
|
|
four guys suddenly became aware of how cold the metal urinal was.
|
|
|
|
"Oh dear", said Satan's Daughter, "I've gone into the wrong loos again.
|
|
Sorry fellas!"
|
|
|
|
Satan's Daughter hurried up the stairs, and I wiped the drool from my
|
|
mouth, commenting, "I'd love to see her suspended above my bed in a
|
|
steel harness. Then I'd roll my tongue around her naval and suck out
|
|
the naval fluff... oh!"
|
|
|
|
"I once did that to Fire Fox", said Simple Sparks as he approached, "so
|
|
think up something original. I had her in the 6.9 position once, too."
|
|
"6.9?", I asked, "don't you mean the 69 position?"
|
|
|
|
"No, we were interrupted by a period. Hi Brett, I've just come from
|
|
stall number three, and there's no toilet paper!"
|
|
|
|
"Oh, god", groaned Brett, "there's none left. Here, take my newspaper
|
|
and use that."
|
|
|
|
Sparks looked doubtfully at the proffered paper. "I'd rather use my
|
|
hand. If I wipe with the "Trading Post" I might catch ads."
|
|
|
|
I went over to the dark corner where the condom dispenser was and
|
|
examined it. A large sign on it identified the machine as a "Franger
|
|
Mark 80 Condom Dispenser." I knew from my condom machine identifying
|
|
handbook this little baby could hold up to 365 prophylactics- enough to
|
|
make into a car tyre and call it a good year. Taking out my magnifying
|
|
glass, I examined the lock, and determined it had definitely not been
|
|
tampered with. I also noticed the side of the dispenser was scored with
|
|
a number of what I assumed were tiny cigarette burns.
|
|
|
|
Then I noticed a figure lurking in the corner.
|
|
|
|
"Who are you?", I confronted the figure, "identify yourself!"
|
|
|
|
"Alex Rogan", came the reply, as the figure stepped closer.
|
|
|
|
I sniffed. "You been smoking, Rogan?"
|
|
|
|
"Why, am I on fire? Ha ha!"
|
|
|
|
I didn't laugh. Instead I took out my photofit picture of Monk.
|
|
"You know this man?"
|
|
|
|
Alex Rogan took the picture and studied it briefly. "Yeah, I know
|
|
Thelonius Monk, the bastard."
|
|
|
|
"Why do you call him that?"
|
|
|
|
"Well, it was a few weeks ago when I met him. He was buying some
|
|
condoms, and I was over there reading a porno... and he comes over,
|
|
and..................
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
MONK: What's that you've got?
|
|
|
|
ROGAN: Deviant's Dictionary. Has a definition for just about every
|
|
user on the boards.
|
|
|
|
MONK: Yeah? Give me a look.
|
|
|
|
ROGAN: Hey! That's mine!
|
|
|
|
MONK: "N, N-I ... Nichols, Dianne: noun. Rather like a ray of light
|
|
refracting from water to air- deviated away from the normal.
|
|
|
|
ROGAN: Will you just give that dictionary back!?
|
|
|
|
MONK: Hmm, "D-O-R..... Dorter, Satan's.... hey, it doesn't have
|
|
an entry, just a reference. "See under `Star Hawk'", just
|
|
what's that supposed to imply?
|
|
|
|
ROGAN: Are you giving it back or what?
|
|
|
|
MONK: C... Cab, Taxi: laxative, yeah, I can believe that. Hey,
|
|
what's that ad on the back page? Hey, the new Latex Lady
|
|
model, I didn't know you could get them in Australia yet.
|
|
|
|
ROGAN: You can't, you have to order them from overseas. I'm going to
|
|
get one sent for a good lay.
|
|
|
|
MONK: One cent? I wouldn't even pay that! From what I've heard you
|
|
bang so often girls get headaches just talking to you.
|
|
|
|
ROGAN: Fuck you!
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
....and so then he kneed me in the groin and nicked off with my book!
|
|
I'll tell you something, I'll make him sorry."
|
|
|
|
"Hmm, that's very interesting, thanks for telling me that", I said,
|
|
thinking.
|
|
|
|
I bounded up the stairs, only pausing half-way to turn and announce,
|
|
"Just remember fellas, three shakes and it's a wank."
|
|
|
|
Returning to street level, I found myself eyes to nipples with the
|
|
biggest set of milk containers I had ever seen. On close examination,
|
|
one might have said one breast was a little smaller than the other, but
|
|
being an optimist I knew better. Taking a deep breath, I steadied my
|
|
hands, pushed my eyeballs back in their sockets, and rolled up my
|
|
tongue. Then I asked the young lady a few questions.
|
|
|
|
"What's your name?"
|
|
|
|
"Julie."
|
|
|
|
"Cunt you- err, can't you be a bit more specific?"
|
|
|
|
"Julie Alderman."
|
|
|
|
"And just whore do y- where do you think you are, Julie? Isn't this a
|
|
slutly- um, slightly suss place for a beautiful piece of crump- for a
|
|
girl like you to be seen loitering?"
|
|
|
|
"I have some information for you", she said, ignoring my question,
|
|
"about your Thelonius Monk case. But I can't talk to you here, there
|
|
are too many people about. Meet me tonight at eleven o'clock in the
|
|
city square."
|
|
|
|
"Hey baby, I'd meat you anytime, anywhere."
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
That night, I walked at a brisk pace down Collins street, and glanced
|
|
at my watch. The time was 10:53. I turned left into the city square
|
|
and began a slow circuit of the fountains, looking for Julie. I
|
|
suddenly heard a moan from near the graffiti board, and wondered if
|
|
Julie had company, but then I found her "company" had just left. I
|
|
found Julie lying on the cold ground, writhing in a pool of her own
|
|
blood. I'd heard of heavy spotting, but this was ridiculous. Running
|
|
over to her, I found her wounds were bad, but not as serious as I first
|
|
thought. I lifted her head and patted her cheeks, but she was clearly
|
|
unconscious. Putting thoughts of how much money I could save out of my
|
|
head, I ran to the street and flagged down a yuppie-mobile, and used
|
|
the car phone to call an ambulance.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"I'm afraid it's pretty bad", Dr Craig Bowen told me quietly, "she's
|
|
been bashed and someone's stabbed her in the breasts."
|
|
|
|
"Well", I sighed, "no use crying over spilt milk, I've still got to see
|
|
her and find out what she wanted to tell me."
|
|
|
|
"Well okay then", said Dr Bowen after a moment's thought, "but not for
|
|
long. She's just been given a sedative, and needs to rest."
|
|
|
|
Dr Bowen glanced at his watch, "Sorry, but I can't join you, there's
|
|
been a massive outbreak of VD in the Broken Legs Ward, and I have to
|
|
find out what's going on. I think it must be going round on our
|
|
crutches."
|
|
|
|
I opened the door to Julie's private hospital room. She was lying
|
|
limply in a sterile white hospital bed with bandages on most of her
|
|
visible skin. A male nurse was just recording her temperature on a
|
|
chart, and stepped back respectfully as I approached the bed.
|
|
|
|
"Hello Julie."
|
|
|
|
Julie opened a swollen, blackened eye, and seemed to look at me sadly.
|
|
She spoke in short gasps: "I'm sorry... so sorry..."
|
|
|
|
I turned to the nurse, "Did she get those black eyes from her
|
|
`experience'?"
|
|
|
|
"Well I don't think she's been trampolining recently!"
|
|
|
|
"Julie", I said anxiously, "who did this to you? Was it the person
|
|
who holed Thelonius Monk's condoms?"
|
|
|
|
"No...No, it was... 5th Dimension. One of my regulars. I don't mind...
|
|
mind the things he has me do... dressing up like little girls...
|
|
but... but sometimes he goes too far. Never mind... I'll get even...
|
|
there'll be a... nasty shock when he... he sees his next Bankcard
|
|
bill."
|
|
|
|
"What was it you wanted to tell me?", I asked slowly.
|
|
|
|
"Well... it's like this. Monk had just been over... having a good... a
|
|
good time with me... and I was going out when... I found he'd dropped
|
|
his... his little black book. He'd been two timing me... twenty timing
|
|
me... I was so mad I vowed revenge.. Anyway... I got my purse and the
|
|
book... and I was going to see him. Going down stairs... I passed my
|
|
neighbour's flat... Dr Who's flat... and I noticed the door was... was
|
|
ajar, which... was strange since I knew... he was out... since that
|
|
morning. He never pulls the door... shut properly."
|
|
|
|
Julie slumped back in her bed, panting from the effort, and her head
|
|
beginning to nod because of the sedative.
|
|
|
|
"What happened then Julie", I insisted, "you must tell me."
|
|
|
|
"I went inside. I... found the room empty... But then I saw
|
|
something... which caught my... my... my interest. I put my things down
|
|
and... and wondering... what it could be, I... went cautiously... over
|
|
to his workbench, cocking my head,... perhaps... It was some... sort
|
|
of machine. It looked like a science-fiction... weapon. There was a
|
|
piece of... paper stuck to it. I read it... and now Monk's condoms
|
|
all... have holes I think the machine... had... something to do with
|
|
it. I've written down what was... on the paper. It's... in my handbag."
|
|
|
|
I quickly grabbed Julie's handbag, and went through it... biros,
|
|
address book, used tissues, tampons, large hat pit... and a piece of
|
|
paper.
|
|
|
|
+----------------------------------------------_____________
|
|
|D. Who - Technical Device Specialist. --+
|
|
| [Flat 3, 123 Gross St, St Kilda] |
|
|
|Order Form: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|To: ALEX ROGAN |
|
|
| |
|
|
| One (1) LASER based piercing device, hand-held. |
|
|
| (narrow beam) |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Mark appropriate box: |
|
|
| |
|
|
| +--+ +--+ |
|
|
| | X| solar operated | | portable power pack |
|
|
| +--+ +--+ |
|
|
| |
|
|
| +--+ +--+ +--+ |
|
|
| | X| C.O.D. | | Visa | | Altairian Express |
|
|
| +--+ +--+ +--+ _|
|
|
| _-
|
|
| Delivery date: ??? __--
|
|
| ____----
|
|
+----------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I wondered if this device could have punctured the condoms in the
|
|
machine that Monk patronised.
|
|
|
|
"If there anything else, Julie?"
|
|
|
|
"No... it was then... then I heard Dr Who coming... up the stairs..
|
|
so I grabbed my purse and hightailed... it out of there... and... and
|
|
on the way out... I noticed a pho... photograph on the wall... showing
|
|
the Doc... making love with, with... a chair leg... Oh... I'm so...
|
|
tired......."
|
|
|
|
"Julie, one last thing. Did you ever actually see Monk again after that
|
|
day? Julie?"
|
|
|
|
"No.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
|
|
|
|
"I'm sorry sir", said the nurse, "she'll be asleep until late
|
|
tomorrow."
|
|
|
|
Disappointed, I went home and slept off the night's drama until late
|
|
afternoon.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Refreshed, I drove into St Kilda and went to interview Dr Who about his
|
|
devices.
|
|
|
|
"Yes", he said, "I did build an instrument like that for Rogan, but
|
|
what's it to you? If you damn detectives were doing your jobs
|
|
properly you'd have worked out who broke into my house when I left the
|
|
door unlocked and flogged one like it from the back room! You're so
|
|
bloody slow!"
|
|
|
|
"Tell me, has anyone else bought or stolen a device?"
|
|
|
|
The Doc shrugged, "No."
|
|
|
|
In a flash of intuition, I suddenly realised who had put holes in
|
|
Monk's condoms. I was certain everything everyone had said was true,
|
|
so it could only be one person. The next day I invited everyone who
|
|
was involved in the case over to my house for drinks. I didn't know
|
|
what to expect when I made my accusation, so I prudently slipped a
|
|
gun into my pocket. Thelonius Monk was the first to arrive.
|
|
|
|
"Have you got any information for me?"
|
|
|
|
"Yes, I'll tell you later. Ah, the others are here. Monk, let me
|
|
introduce you to the man of the Lavatory Kingdom, the biggest King I
|
|
know... Brett McMoron."
|
|
|
|
Brett stepped in, and I continued.
|
|
|
|
"And now the man of the Pornography Empire, the biggest Emperor I
|
|
know... Alex Rogan."
|
|
|
|
"Hello all", said Rogan, and I continued again.
|
|
|
|
"And thirdly, from the great Sex-Starved Country, the biggest Cun-
|
|
well, anyway, Julie Alderman."
|
|
|
|
Julie stepped in, and I greeted her. "Glad to see you, Julie."
|
|
|
|
"Oh, and I thought you had a gun in your pocket!"
|
|
|
|
"Huh? Oh, one last person: Doctor Who."
|
|
|
|
The doctor stepped in, and everyone sat down while I handed out vodka
|
|
martinis. Then I explained Monk's problem to those who didn't know
|
|
about it, and, dramatically, made my accusation.
|
|
|
|
"The person responsible for this heinous crime is sitting in this
|
|
very room. I refer to n{ne oth{r t{~n th~{{_{~@ {{^{~~{~ {-{'{~"
|
|
|
|
Don't you hate line noise?
|
|
|
|
SOLUTION NEXT FILE
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile, send your guess as the culprit to:
|
|
|
|
Either Or
|
|
Fearless Fred, THE MASKED AVENGER,
|
|
C/o The Twilite Zone, C/o The Burning Crucifix,
|
|
(03) 562-0686 (03) 562-0938.
|
|
(All Speeds to 2400) (All Speeds to 2400)
|
|
|
|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
====================
|
|
Anarchistic Health
|
|
====================
|
|
By Avalon ..
|
|
|
|
Welcome to a new series written by our newest reporter.
|
|
This month Avalon .. explores how to remain in top
|
|
condition through a healthy diet. - Ed.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Having trouble getting/maintaining a healthy 'beer' stomach
|
|
or just gaining weight? Well here's the diet for you!
|
|
|
|
Think back to the good ol' days when a man was judged by the
|
|
quality of his beer gut, the days when big was beautiful and
|
|
guys could be proud of their stomachs. Well now is the time
|
|
to make your mark on the fashion industry. Do something about
|
|
bringing back all those good ol' times.
|
|
|
|
For our dedicated readers, we present a course on turning your
|
|
currently slim, vitamin packed, aerobic body into a temple to
|
|
Bond Breweries and APD snackfood.
|
|
+------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|The =================================== |-+
|
|
| E V I L A N G E L ' S D I E T | |
|
|
| =================================== | |
|
|
| | |
|
|
| By Avalon .. | |
|
|
+------------------------------------------------------+ |
|
|
+------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
A sure path to a healthy mind and a lovely body.
|
|
|
|
+------------==================-------------+
|
|
| D R I N K S |-+
|
|
+------------==================-------------+ |
|
|
+-----------===================-------------+
|
|
|
|
Getting Started.
|
|
------------------
|
|
|
|
To start with, I present the alcohol intake schedule.
|
|
This allows you to plan ahead what you should be drinking
|
|
and when. This however, only applies to drinks that YOU buy.
|
|
NEVER refuse a drink from someone else.
|
|
|
|
To many, drinking is an institution and comes before all other
|
|
things. [I'd maybe make one exception to that -Ed] Drinking is
|
|
far more important than eating. It has been proven that you can
|
|
live on liquids without food longer than you can live on food
|
|
without liquids. The food could be looked on as an added luxury,
|
|
but more on the food side of things next month.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Basic Drinking Planner
|
|
----------------------
|
|
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| Monday | 4 units Fosters |
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| Tuesday | " |
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| Wednesday| 5 " |
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| Thursday | 6 " |
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| Friday | 5+ " , 1 bottle Southern Comfort |
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| Saturday | 6+ " , " , I bottle Vodka|
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
| Sunday | <========== H A N G O V E R R E C O V E R Y =========> |
|
|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
The unit could be slab, can, stubby, etc. For example, take
|
|
Fred, for him the number might differ but the unit would be can.
|
|
|
|
If you work during the week, be careful not too drink so much as
|
|
to effect your work. This could lead to job loss and hence the loss
|
|
of the means by which to pay for your essentials! Note too, the
|
|
careful build up in alcohol intake as the weekend nears. This
|
|
prepares the body for the Saturday night/Sunday morning parties. To
|
|
this end it helps stop you from becoming paralytic. If you find that
|
|
when you wake up on Sunday you don't have a hangover then you didn't
|
|
drink enough the previous night, i.e. B-A-D party!
|
|
|
|
If we take the above unit to be a can or stubby then this could
|
|
well be a typical schedule for the average person. If you are a
|
|
yuppie or some other rich bastard then by all means change the unit
|
|
to a larger one, or the imported variety. Feel free to modify the
|
|
above schedule to suit your lifestyle.
|
|
|
|
Drinking is a skill that requires many months of preparation so as to
|
|
project the correct image, and condition your body. The first (and
|
|
probably most essential) skill to master is getting the drink from the
|
|
table to your mouth.
|
|
|
|
Some points to remember:
|
|
* Hold the glass in your hand.
|
|
* Bend your elbow as you raise the glass to your mouth.
|
|
* Open your mouth before pouring the liquid in.
|
|
|
|
Once you have mastered the art of getting the drink to your mouth
|
|
you should work on some other worthwhile skills.
|
|
|
|
* Drinking two glasses at once.
|
|
Essential if you get to parties late.
|
|
|
|
* Spilling your drinks so it looks accidental.
|
|
(Note! Try not to spill liquors or imported drinks.)
|
|
|
|
Essential for social drinkers. Three main uses for this skill:
|
|
|
|
1. Spilling your drink in the direction of those loud mouth ass
|
|
holes that infest good parties but no-one knows who invited
|
|
them. Of course diplomacy directly proportional to the size
|
|
of the person your drink is now covering should be demonstrated.
|
|
|
|
2. For good looking women that you just don't know how to pick
|
|
up, try dumping a glass of Midori on their lap, and asking if
|
|
they wouldn't mind you licking it up. [Whipped cream? -Ed]
|
|
|
|
3. People get used to you being unco-ordinated, and come to
|
|
expect you to spill your drinks. Can be used to your advantage
|
|
if you ever do accidentally spill one.
|
|
|
|
* Slurring words.
|
|
At the start of the party try slurring your words ever so slightly
|
|
when you are talking to people. As the night progresses you can
|
|
forget about intentionally slurring words.
|
|
|
|
* What to say when drunk.
|
|
"I'm not drunk osifer."
|
|
"I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
|
|
"I not as thunk as you drink I am."
|
|
"I like that odour arm de-underant you're wearing."
|
|
(Before passing out) "I thunk I had a luttle too mush tooo drunk."
|
|
|
|
* What not to say when drunk.
|
|
"My shout."
|
|
"Gllllrrrgggghhhhhhh!"
|
|
|
|
* Hangover Recovery.
|
|
There are three major ways to cope with hangovers.
|
|
|
|
1. Sit it out. This method is suited to the body builder types.
|
|
Make everyone think that your aren't hungover at all, and
|
|
eat a raw egg or three for breakfast. (Don't spew, ruins the
|
|
effect.)
|
|
|
|
2. Panadol and a good spew. Not the most elegant method, but lets
|
|
everyone know you were pickled the night before.
|
|
|
|
3. Stay drunk. Before you pass out the night before, make sure
|
|
you have at least half a dozen cans within arm's reach for the
|
|
morning. Before you open your eyes in the morning, drink two
|
|
or three.
|
|
|
|
Next month we explore the art of junk food eating - when, where and
|
|
how much.
|
|
|
|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
=========================
|
|
C O M P E T I T I O N !
|
|
=========================
|
|
|
|
.------------. .------------.
|
|
,/ \, ,/||||| ||||||||\,
|
|
/ \ /||| ||||||||| ||||\
|
|
| .--. .--. | ||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
-------| O|=|O |------- /|||| | |||||||| |||\
|
|
( .--. '--' '--' ) ( | | | |||| || || )
|
|
/ '--- / \ /
|
|
\ / | | |
|
|
'-------' | | |
|
|
\ , , / \ /
|
|
\ '-__-' / \ /
|
|
\ / \ /
|
|
- - '- -' - - - - '----------' - -
|
|
/ \ / \
|
|
/ o o \ / \
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| ,-, ,-, | | ,-, ,-, |
|
|
'-------' | | '-------' `-------' | | '-------'
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | | () |
|
|
| o,o | | /\ |
|
|
| | | | | | | |
|
|
.--.| | | |.--. .--.| | | |.--.
|
|
\ | | / \ | | /
|
|
'----' '----' '----' '---'
|
|
|
|
This is a tricky one this month.
|
|
|
|
To win, all you have to do is name the person whose picture this is.
|
|
Leave a message to either Fred, C/o Twilite Zone (03) 562-0686, or
|
|
Masky C/o The Burning Crucifix (03) 562-0938 saying who you think this
|
|
is, and your dad's VISA or AMEX card number & expiry date and you'll
|
|
get a free invitation to the Evil Angel's Christmas Party.
|
|
|
|
Of course, friends, family, relatives, girlfriends, pets, next door
|
|
neighbours, and people that have met any member (or family member) of
|
|
any of the Evil Angels team is ineligible to enter.
|
|
|
|
Winners may or may not be notified, depends on how we feel at the time.
|
|
|
|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
====================
|
|
Anarchistic Sports /
|
|
==================== /__
|
|
By Lightning Bolt. /
|
|
/
|
|
|
|
This month has seen another exciting month of Anarchistic
|
|
Sports. With the second round of the Victorian Bullshit Spinning
|
|
League being held, I decided to head ringside to cover all the
|
|
action from the night's feature; the Tag Team match between the
|
|
AMF (Rishi Mehra and Turbo) versus Cefiar and Taxi Cab.
|
|
|
|
Cefiar and T.C. entered the ring as odds on favorites, with
|
|
their reputation for spinning cronic bullshit, it was expected
|
|
the newcommers to the ring would be quickly outclassed.
|
|
|
|
As I cracked open my thrid tinny, I noticed The Lensman in Bay
|
|
13 was just beginning to get into his famous drunken frenzy. The
|
|
AMF team headed into the ring through a hail of empty fosters
|
|
cans.
|
|
|
|
Pleasantries aside, each team headed to their respective corners
|
|
and the match began. T.C. was leading off for the veteran's
|
|
team, with Rishi Mehra leading off for the AMF.
|
|
|
|
Rishi appeared rather subdued, and T.C. took the oportunity to
|
|
start of with one of his famous lines about his dad's sicopaths
|
|
attacking him. Rishi's defence was amazing. He just stood there
|
|
and ignored T.C. and began by calmly. "I own an IBM PS2 model
|
|
120 which has a 386 processor running at 80 Mega Hertz! It has
|
|
micro channel architecture, but has a measly 120 Meg hard disk
|
|
but had VGA graphics and a multi-sync monitor."
|
|
|
|
I was surprised to see Taxi take this so well, maybe he'd been
|
|
sparring with Cefiar, or maybe he just didn't understand a word
|
|
of it. Rishi seemed a little off guard as he went to tag Turbo,
|
|
Taxi hit him with a wopper! "My Amiga has a Netcomm Trailbrazer,
|
|
and I download Gigabytes from the States for FREE!"
|
|
|
|
Luckily, Rishi had managed to tag turbo. Turbo entered the ring,
|
|
and headed for Taxi's rear, maybe to cut off his escape, or
|
|
maybe he just liked the view from that angle. Turbo began with a
|
|
cutting comment, "My IBM has a Netcomm M5, and I download Tera
|
|
Bytes from the moon and they pay me to do it!"
|
|
|
|
Taxi was clearly upset with this. He seemed to have been
|
|
momentarily stunned and Turbo began a full offensive; "Your mum
|
|
is a really good fuck!" sent Taxi into the ropes, where he
|
|
managed to tag Ceriar. This was turning into a really good
|
|
match.
|
|
|
|
Cefiar entered the ring, as T.C. staggered under the ropes.
|
|
Turbo was about to launch another attack but Cefiar got in
|
|
first. "My computer is a Cray XMP... "
|
|
|
|
He was about to continue as the bell sounded marking the the end
|
|
of the first half. An interesting note at this point is that
|
|
team matches are played in 10 minute halves whereas individual
|
|
matches are played in five minute quarters.
|
|
|
|
The evening's half time entertainment was supplied by The Masked
|
|
Avenger. I think everyone got a good laugh from his strip tease
|
|
act. Fifth Dimension entered the stage with his banjo and began
|
|
busking, but decided to leave the stage after the only donations
|
|
he was receiving was the empties from Bay 13. He headed off in
|
|
the direction of the local kindergarden, maybe hoping to score
|
|
better there.
|
|
|
|
The teams entered the ring again looking refreshed. Cefiar and
|
|
Rishi Mehra clashed head to head as the bell rang, luckily
|
|
Rishi's jocks didn't come off. Cefiar took the offensive, taking
|
|
up where he left off in the first half. "My computer has 120
|
|
Tetra bytes of hard disk, and I have ten thousand users and 50
|
|
thousand calls a day, and 30 million billion programs available
|
|
for download." Rishi reeled away as the full impact of the
|
|
Cefiar's attack hit him. Only just managing to tag Turbo he fell
|
|
out of the ring.
|
|
|
|
Turbo eagerly entered the ring and was immediately hit by Cefiar
|
|
with an brilliant and unexpected attack "I scored 380 for my HSC
|
|
Anderson Score." This was the work of a professional Bullshit
|
|
Spinner. An excellent change of topic which caught Turbo off
|
|
balance. He quickly followed it up with "... and I was offered a
|
|
Rhodes' Scholarship, except I don't drink beer, so I had to
|
|
refuse."
|
|
|
|
Turbo hit the floor, and for the first time thus far the crowd
|
|
began to really get involved in the match. Cefiar added to
|
|
Turbo's agony by saying "I've lost my virginity!" and tagged
|
|
Taxi Cab.
|
|
|
|
As T.C. enetered the ring, the Bay 13 Boys began cheering.
|
|
Partly because they were really enjoying the match, but mostly
|
|
because the full can of fosters I threw at him impacted squarely
|
|
in his groin. T.C. was down, and Turbo was crawling back to the
|
|
corner where Rishi eagerly accepted the tag. Cefiar looked on
|
|
helplessly, as Rishi entered the ring.
|
|
|
|
Rishi didn't waste any time, and began with "I have a million
|
|
zillion disks full of pirated games in my bedroom." Rishi
|
|
quickly continued, and, although inexerperienced, was able to
|
|
effectively get another good attack in with "and I wrote a virus
|
|
for the Amiga in BASIC, and it only took me 5 minutes, and ...
|
|
and ... "
|
|
|
|
Rishi made a fatal mistake, getting stuck for words he gave TC
|
|
the chance to make a come back. T.C. grabbed the oportunity.
|
|
"I called the States last night and talked to a couple of
|
|
hundred of my MATES!"
|
|
|
|
Taxi's superior Bullshit Spinning abilities were obvious. Not
|
|
wasting any time he went on. "And then I bought myself a Corvett
|
|
using Alan Bond's gold AMEX card."
|
|
|
|
It looked as if that was it. Rishi collapsed. Turbo was leaning
|
|
desperately into the ring, but just couldn't reach Rishi. Taxi
|
|
finished him off with "Disk Destroyer told me how to fuck a
|
|
girl, and she said I was the best she'd ever had!"
|
|
|
|
Taxi started about his exploits with twins, two pairs of
|
|
handcuffs and a feather when the umpire interupted the match on
|
|
humanitarian grounds, awarding the match to Taxi and Cefiar.
|
|
|
|
Overall it was a hard hitting and exciting clash this month.
|
|
Next month we'll try to cover the girls in the mud wrestling
|
|
match, which could get pretty dirty. Hopefully, I'll also have
|
|
an interview with the Masked Avenger.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Other results this month
|
|
------------------------
|
|
|
|
Paranoia: "Stuart Gill": 1
|
|
|
|
Politics: Australia: -1.8 Billion
|
|
|
|
Pimples: Cefiar: 3
|
|
Cadet Ace: 57
|
|
|
|
Prophilactics: Jake: 1 used, 1 new
|
|
Monk: 44 (this month)
|
|
Masky: 15 (last night)
|
|
"Stuart Gill": 0 (He doesn't need them
|
|
to have a good wank!)
|
|
Pedophilia: Fifth Dimension: 1
|
|
Masked Avenger: 0
|
|
|
|
Protests: Green Peace: 1
|
|
|
|
Protestors: Chinese Govt: 1874
|
|
|
|
Pissups: Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters: 2
|
|
Eliminator: 2
|
|
Fred: 1
|
|
|
|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
=======================
|
|
This Edition's Awards
|
|
=======================
|
|
|
|
Sysop of the Month......(No prizes for guessing)... Craig Bowen
|
|
But this is the last time he gets it!
|
|
Who will it be next month?
|
|
|
|
Where's he gone? Award............................. The Lensman
|
|
|
|
Drunken Sysop of the Month......................... Fearless Fred
|
|
|
|
The "I Can't Keep A Deadline" Award................ Fearless Fred
|
|
|
|
[That's only because you don't work on Eastern Standard Fred Time -ED]
|
|
|
|
Quality Control Award.............................. Ford Prefect
|
|
|
|
Hoon of the Month Award............................ Satan's Daughter
|
|
|
|
I'm Famous Because I was on the Radio Award........ Disk Destroyer
|
|
|
|
I don't get drunk of the Month Award............... Vagabond
|
|
|
|
I'm a SysOp! Award................................. The Masked Avenger
|
|
|
|
Loser of the month Award........................... Rishi Mehra
|
|
|
|
Pedophile Award.................................... Fifth Dimension
|
|
|
|
I'm going to be be a Dad Award..................... Snatch Doctor
|
|
|
|
Druggie of the month Award......................... Acid Man
|
|
|
|
Tight Underwear of the month Award................. Acid Man
|
|
|
|
Slut of the Month.................................. The Bogan
|
|
[Masky's idea, I SWEAR IT! -ED]
|
|
|
|
Boring Award....................................... Big Foot
|
|
|
|
Eighteen Months Award.............................. Monk & ECH!?
|
|
Driver of the Month................................ Sparkie
|
|
|
|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
+-------------------+
|
|
This Edition's Quotes
|
|
+-------------------+
|
|
Just for a change, all this months' quote are taken from
|
|
The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy - (Douglas Adams)
|
|
(Figure in Brackets is Page Reference.)
|
|
|
|
Robot 2 (161): "You must have a good time"
|
|
|
|
Arthur Dent (57): "...what are we going to do?"
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (191): "...screw the computer."
|
|
|
|
Marvin (43): "All right, I'll do it."
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (104): "Go play with a nut."
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (113): "What, those two great furry things?"
|
|
|
|
Lintilla (215): "Feel it. Scratch it."
|
|
|
|
Student (222): "Oo, That feels nice."
|
|
|
|
FPRO (152): "Is there anything in particular you want?"
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (24): "...get hold of this rod!"
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (202): "I'm pulling."
|
|
|
|
Roosta (150): "Here Zaphod. Suck this."
|
|
|
|
Arthur Dent (194): "...it's a mile long!"
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (164): "You really know how to make a guy feel
|
|
inadequate"
|
|
|
|
FPRO (152): "Ah, delicious..."
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (138): "...will you move before I blow it?"
|
|
|
|
Gargravarr (163): "My body wanted to come..."
|
|
|
|
Arthur Dent (156): "He's stumbling towards a crack..."
|
|
|
|
Arthur Dent (31): "Where are we now?"
|
|
|
|
Voice (110): "...deployed to your rear..."
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (224): "Look what we found man."
|
|
|
|
Man (243): "Pussy pussy pussy"
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (62): "Desolate hole if you ask me."
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (99): "...feel this surface."
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (100): "How do we get into it?"
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (224): "Force it..."
|
|
|
|
Marvin (141): "It doesn't want to go up."
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (28): "...it's only a little one."
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (154): "Too hard! Much too hard!"
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (191): "it's as slippery as..."
|
|
|
|
Garkbit (94): "Saliva, sir, saliva."
|
|
|
|
Zaphod Beeblebrox (162): "Where are you?"
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (30): "...under Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-
|
|
breasted whore of Eroticon VI."
|
|
|
|
Lintilla (214): "There are now nearly five hundred and seventy
|
|
eight thousand million of us."
|
|
|
|
Ford Prefect (64): "I could have hours of fun banging them..."
|
|
|
|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
=======================
|
|
E V I L A N G E L S
|
|
=======================
|
|
|
|
At present, the Evil Angels team consists of the following:
|
|
|
|
FOUNDER: The Masked Avenger.
|
|
|
|
EDITOR: Lightning Bolt / Fearless Fred
|
|
|
|
AUTHORS: Fearless Fred
|
|
Ford Prefect
|
|
Avalon ..
|
|
|
|
ARTIST: Ford Prefect
|
|
|
|
LOGO BY: B.D.S. (The Yid)
|
|
|
|
PROGRAMMER: Vagabond.
|
|
(BSF Boys)
|
|
|
|
ASSOCIATE MEMBERS: Thelonius Monk The Lensman
|
|
Sprite Fizban
|
|
Disk Destroyer Ivan Trotsky
|
|
SYN ... Wodger Wabbit
|
|
FAVOURITE PEOPLE: Taxi Cab Blue Fox
|
|
(TO HASSLE) Captain Chaos Simply Sparks
|
|
Fire Fox Vagabond
|
|
Raster Blaster SYN ...
|
|
Disk Destroyer Ice Man (and Robbie)
|
|
Royna Masked Avenger
|
|
Julie Alderman Killer Tomato (Hi Stu!)
|
|
The Bogan Satan's Daughter (Mandie)
|
|
Cefiar Alex Rogan
|
|
Fifth Dimension Rishi Mehra
|
|
|
|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
=======================
|
|
Disclaimer/Datclaimer
|
|
=======================
|
|
|
|
The authors have gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to ensure
|
|
that this file contains no offensive material. However, should
|
|
you find anything which you object to, STIFF SHIT! You can't
|
|
sue us!
|
|
|
|
This file is written with the intent of producing a humorous
|
|
file which will be enjoyed by everyone, and no offence is
|
|
intended towards any person or persons no matter how often or
|
|
in what context they are mentioned. As if you didn't know.
|
|
|
|
And just think, SYN ... only got mentioned three times!
|
|
|
|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
Evil Angels Will Return With Anarchistic Tendencies XIII
|
|
========================================================
|
|
|
|
"Who we gunna call? Oh NO! It's..."
|
|
_____ ____
|
|
/ / / / / / /
|
|
/____/ /___ ___ ___ ___ /__ /___/ ___ __/__ ___ ___ ___
|
|
/ / / / /__/ ___/ /\ / / / / /__ / /__/ / /__
|
|
/ / / / /___ /__/ / \ /___/ /___/ ___/ / /___ / ___/
|
|
===============================================================================
|
|
|