461 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
461 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
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Subject: alt.religion.kibology FAQ -- Ninth Edition
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Message-ID: <BzDtxI.G6A@world.std.com>
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Organization: Two rooms filled with typography, in downtown Boston
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Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 02:36:53 GMT
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Lines: 453
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ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FAQ--NINTH EDITION (12/16/92)
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===================================================
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EXCERPTED FROM THE "ASK KIBO" BOOKS COWRITTEN WITH JAN-CECIL
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BRUNVADAMS, RON GOULART, MICHAEL TOBIAS, AND EDWARD D. WOOD JR.
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Answers to these Frequently Asked Questions have been verified by
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Encyclopedia Britannica. They have not, however, been verified to be
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_correct_.
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Please send corrections to kibo@world.std.com. Questions will be
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answered if accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope.
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"WHAT DOES KIBO LOOK LIKE?"
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Six two (-ish), skinny, dark brown hair (medium-length), Abe Lincoln
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beard, glasses. Exactly the same fleshtone as Michael Jackson's TV
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Guide cover photo.
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"WHAT DOES KIBO SOUND LIKE?"
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Mostly like Mr. Rogers. For a truly accurate image, imagine 40% Mr.
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Rogers, 35% Michael Dukakis, and 25% Don Adams. (Actually, Kibo was
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required to take voice training classes in college--they wanted him to
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talk like Adam West. One of his instructors also worked on Dukakis.
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This technique is obviously completely useless.)
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"CAN KIBO DO ANY IMPRESSIONS?"
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A few, but they're very bad so he won't do them for you. However,
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people occasionally accuse him of doing a Mr. Rogers one, which he can
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only do when he's _not_ trying to.
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"HAS KIBO BEEN IN HARVEY PEKAR'S COMIC BOOK `AMERICAN SPLENDOR'?"
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Of course not. Don't be silly. However, it's rumored that he is
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partially obscuring Waldo in "Where's Waldo?"
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"WHAT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE OF BOZOLOGY?"
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Bozosity abounds!
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"AND IS THIS RELATED TO KIBO'S GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF STUFF
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[G.U.T.S.]? WHAT IS HIS G.U.T.S., ANYWAY?"
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Everything abounds!
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"OH."
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"HOW DO YOU TELL IF SOMEONE'S A BOZO?"
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Ask them. If they say yes, they're a good bozo. If they say no,
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they're a bad bozo. If they refuse or evade, they're the very worst
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kind, and will be first against the wall when the revolution comes!
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"WHO CREATED KIBOLOGY?"
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The idea came from either Mark&Jason Dominus or Todd McComb, but they
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don't remember which one of them it was. Neither does Kibo. He blames
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them both equally.
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"WHO'S VISITED KIBO'S APARTMENT?"
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Mark&Jason Dominus, Sean "Xibo" Coates, Harry Mandel, John Corr, Meg
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Bertoni, Kibo's parents, Tom, Tom, and Tom, Jim Kasprzak, Scott "~ibo"
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Ramming, Noah Friedman, Mark Hill, but certainly not Patrick L. Obo.
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"WHO IS PATRICK L. OBO?"
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Remember the recent _Star_ tabloid cover story, "CRAZED FAN STALKS
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SUZANNE SOMERS"?
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"WHAT'S KIBO'S PURITY TEST SCORE?"
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He forgot. Wasn't spectacularly high or low. He denies Bush's
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accusation that there was A Pattern.
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"WHAT'S KIBO'S IQ?"
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He hasn't had any such tests lately. However, he has been scored as
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surprisingly normal on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory
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(MMPI). A certain minor religion's "Free Personality Test" claims
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he'll go insane soon. [Afterword: Kibo still hasn't bought a copy of
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"Dianetics", so he is obviously insane now.]
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"HOW DID KIBO ACQUIRE THIS MUCH POWER?"
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He invented the smilie.
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"THEN WHY DOES KIBO REFUSE TO USE ANY :-)S IN ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?"
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He doesn't want to show off his skills. He can type the three parts in
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under a tenth of a second, blindfolded.
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"WHAT DID KIBO BUY AT THE MARKET RECENTLY?"
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(From Kibo's three most recent grocery receipts from daily shopping
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trips)
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DR PEPPER (4) Eight liters, three days.
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ARRID-REGULA Time for a new can of deodorant.
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PLAST FORKS All the plastic cutlery got used up
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FORKS simultaneously. Same goes for paper
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CUTLERY plates, see below.
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MAPLE LINKS Wrong. Brown'N'Serve BACON flavor.
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STOVETOP STF Turkey flavor, the best.
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V8 COCKTAIL (3) Does that make one V24? Twelve V2s?
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GROCRY I have no idea what this was, now.
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SUP 12Z BOWL Paper bowls/plates.
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DIX 9IN PLTE
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CERTS (3) Pocket cache of mints was low.
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PEPPERONI The most perfect snack meat.
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HERSHEY DRIN Chocolate artificial milk.
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LCHOY MS EGG (2) I know LaChoy egg rolls are crummy, but
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I like them anyway. I don't know why.
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CHEEZ IT Not for me, for a visitor. I do not
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eat cheese, and certainly not "cheez".
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SR CRM MNCHM Um... don't recall.
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BBQ RIPPLINS Keeblerized potato chip substitute.
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MEAT A lot of breaded chicken fillets.
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PRINGLE RIP (2) Rippled pringles.
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HOOD CALMILK Calcium-enriched, lactose-reduced milk,
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for cooking (not drinking)
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BOSCO The only non-artificially-flavored
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chocolate syrup available here.
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"DOES KIBO PERFORM STANDUP COMEDY?"
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Not any more. Too scary and not profitable.
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"IF KIBO EVER GOES BALD, WILL HE STAY BALD OR WILL HE JOIN THE HAIR
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CLUB FOR MEN?"
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I wouldn't dream of being a Hair Club for Men client unless I can also
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be the president.
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"WILL KIBO EVER CORRECT THIB TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR?"
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Where?
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"WHY DO I WRITE ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON IN SOME PLACES IN THIS
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FAQ LIST?"
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Because it would look like I had a big ego if I kept saying "I".
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"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE BEATLE?"
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Paul.
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"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE MONKEE?"
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Mike, or maybe Peter. However, this answer would be completely
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different if Charles Manson hadn't done so badly in his audition for
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them. (Little-known fact.)
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"HAS KIBO EVER SEEN A RONALD REAGAN MOVIE?"
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Yes, _Bedtime for Bonzo_, twice. Also, night before last, actually
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threw up while reading a synopsis of _Hellcats of the Navy_. However,
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this answer would have been completely different if Ingrid Bergman's
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availability hadn't prompted the studio to replace Reagan with Bogie in
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_Casablanca_. (Little-known fact.)
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"WHERE HAS KIBO BEEN?"
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The northeastern quadrant of the United States. And Cleveland. When
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he can afford it, he'll go everywhere else. Especially the Moon.
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"KIBO SAID `SIL!'. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"
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If you have to ask, you'll never know. Sil!
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"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE COLOR?"
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Pantone Reflex Blue(tm). But only on coated paper. Fuzzy-paper
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aficionados or video weenies don't know what they're missing.
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"HOW MANY TIMES HAS KIBO SEEN `GONE WITH THE WIND'?"
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None.
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"HAS KIBO READ THE SEQUEL?"
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He read the synopsis in _Life_ magazine and nearly broke his rib cage
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laughing.
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"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH OR DUKAKIS IN '88?"
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No. Ron Paul (Libertarian party).
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"WHY?"
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He had the least-groomed fuzzy eyebrows and thus looked the most
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honest.
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"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH, CLINTON, OR PEROT IN '92?"
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Yes. Perot. He did it just because he wanted to enjoy the chaos it
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could cause.
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"WHAT DOES KIBO THINK OF TELEVISION?"
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TV is evil must be destroyed. A good way to do this is to watch your
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set until it burns out.
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"WHAT ONE WORD WOULD KIBO USE TO DESCRIBE HIMSELF?"
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"Kibo."
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"WHAT'S KIBO'S SHOE SIZE?"
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11-1/2, wide. The boots he's been wearing lately are 30, which is
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measured in centimeters because the boots were made by Communists.
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"WHAT'S KIBO'S HAT SIZE?"
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Large.
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"WHAT KIND OF CAR DOES KIBO DRIVE?"
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Living in central Boston, it's much cheaper not to have one, and
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perfectly easy to get everywhere on foot or by public transportation or
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taxi.
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"DOES KIBO EXPECT `STAR TREK VI' TO BE ANY GOOD?"
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Possibly. It'll be better than V, obviously, but I doubt it'll be the
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best of the bunch.
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"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH SULU?"
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About ten percent of the profits, or something. After Star Trek XII,
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Paramount will pay to have his wart removed.
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"AND WHAT ABOUT `DEEP SPACE NINE'?"
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Will you screaming nerdo zonkers shut up about Star Trek already? I
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keep telling you, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH GENE RODDENBERRY'S DEATH.
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End of discussion.
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"WELL, NOW THAT IT'S A YEAR LATER, DO YOU EXPECT `STAR TREK VII' TO BE
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ANY GOOD?"
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Possibly... and monkeys might fly out of Shatner's hair!
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"DID BURT REYNOLDS REALLY DO THE VOICEOVERS FOR TROY'S CHARACTER ON THE
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SERIES `OUT OF THIS WORLD'?"
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Sorry, that's irrelevant to alt.religion.kibology. Try rec.arts.tv.
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"IF KIBO WERE A TREE, WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD HE BE?"
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Yggdrasil.
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"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?"
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Four to five in the morning, whether he's awake or not.
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"DOES KIBO HAVE ANY FAVORITE SPORTS TEAMS?"
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No, he avoids sports religiously.
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"WHAT CAN WE EXPECT TO SEE TALKED ABOUT ON ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?"
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Exactly one-half of the entire universe, including a rather large chunk
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of the creamy center of the Milky Way.
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"IS IT TRUE THAT KIBO WOULD WITHER AND DIE WITHOUT HIS TV SET?"
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No. You're thinking of Kibo's Usenet feed.
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"DOES KIBO HAVE AN S.O.?"
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I don't consider myself to have one, but she called herself my SO once.
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Does that qualify? I think I lost her phone number.
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"HOW LONG HAS KIBO BEEN ON USENET?"
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Since about '87. He's had E-mail access since '85.
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"WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE NET HAS ENCOUNTERED KIBO?"
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Unknown, but probably a large fraction. Of course, Kibo has
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encountered most of the net, since he reads a few zillion groups.
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Well, actually, his minions do it for him.
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"WHO ARE KIBO'S NET.COHORTS?"
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Too many to list. Next!
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"HOW DOES KIBOLOGY COMPARE?"
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Kibology is better.
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"BETTER THAN SCIENTOLOGY?"
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Anything is!
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"DID KIBO SAY, `EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED, AND PUT UP ON
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BILLBOARDS'?"
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No.
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"DID KIBO SAY, `DID KIBO SAY, "EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED,
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AND PUT UP ON BILLBOARDS"?'?"
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Yes.
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"IS KIBO FOR REAL?"
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He's more real than Doogie Howser. Not as real as Al Sharpton. But
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then, you don't want him to be.
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"HOW'D YOU GET THAT NAME?"
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It was an accident involving a dictionary, a contraction, some
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computers, and reverse hypnosis! Run for your lives!
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"WHAT DOES KIBO MEAN, ANYWAY?"
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What he says.
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"NO, I MEAN, WHAT DOES THE _NAME_ `KIBO' MEAN?"
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It means that the person who has that name is named "Kibo".
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"HOW IS IT PRONOUNCED?"
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There are three ways. The most common is "Keebo". The second most
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common has the `short i' sound as in the word "bit". The least common
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has the `long i' as in "eye". Needless to say, Kibo says it the weird
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long-i way.
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"WHAT'S `HELVETICA'?"
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Kind of like the antichrist, only without the horns.
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"IS KIBO RELATED TO XIBO?"
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No.
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"WHAT'S A XIBO?"
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A bad bozo, who isn't allowed.
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"WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT XIBO?"
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I could if I wanted to. See, I'm allowed to. Xibo isn't allowed. As
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the saying goes, "You're allowed, unless you're Harry, Glass, Xibo,
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Spot, Sandro Wallach, Noah Friedman (after midnight), or especially
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Patrick L. Obo."
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"WHO'S XIBO?"
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A very bad bozo, who still isn't allowed, no matter how much he whines
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about it.
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"WHERE'S XIBO?"
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Sittin' in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere .plans for nobody.
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"WHY IS XIBO SO FAR AWAY FROM KIBO?"
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Because they're on opposite sides of the real world.
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"WHO IS SPOT?"
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He's just a dog.
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"WHY IS SPOT NOT ALLOWED?"
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He's _just_ a _dog_!
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"DID SPOT DO SOMETHING BAD?"
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No, he's never been allowed to do anything.
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"WHY DOES KIBO MAKE SO MANY TYPOS? CAN'T HE PROOFREAD?"
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William Shakespeare spelled his own name four different ways, too. And
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Einstein wore mismatched socks. So Kibo's allowed too.
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"WHO IS HARRY?"
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Slightly above Spot's level.
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"IS HE ALLOWED?"
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No.
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"WHY IS KIBO'S .SIGNATURE SO LONG?"
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Because it contains an actual-size map of the entire Universe.
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"KIBO, DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU'RE COSTING THE NET HUNDREDS IF NOT
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THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BY POSTING THAT .SIGNATURE?"
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Those are just 1983 dollars.
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"DON'T YOU CARE?"
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Of course I care. Just not very much.
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"YOU SHOULD PUT THIS IN YOUR .SIGNATURE."
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Maybe.
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"IS KIBO ON WOODY'S SIDE OR MIA'S?"
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Woody's. Mia's turned evil!
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"WHY IS THE APARTMENT DOWN THE HALL ALWAYS WATCHING THE SAME TV CHANNEL
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KIBO'S WATCHING?"
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Conspiracy. I can't elaborate further.
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"WHAT ARE SOME OF KIBO'S FAVORITE TYPEFACES?"
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Icone, Goudy Oldstyle (only in metal, though), Information Extended
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Black, Journal, Eusebius, Tempo Medium Italic, Stellar, Ludlow
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Garamond, Adobe Garamond, Michaelangelo, the original Baskerville, and
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Jenson's original 1470 type.
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"AND LEAST FAVORITE?"
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Biffo Script, Huit Light, Braggadocio, ITC Fat Face, Helvetica Medium,
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and Chicago.
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"WHAT IS `E!'?"
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24 hours of TV commercials every day. It's the channel devoted to
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telling you how great all the other channels are! And the big "E!" in
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the corner of the screen _never_ goes away. Watch "E!" in your
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hot-tub! While bungee-jumping! Get the latest on Roseanne's new
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tattoo! Watch the editing process of "Look Who's Talking 3"!
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Scrutinize trends in game-show-host teeth!
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"WHO IS BIFF?"
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BIFF IZ A REELY K00L D00D !!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HE P0STS 2 THE NET FR0M HIZ
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BIG BROTHERS C-64 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 BIFF IS AWESUM
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..........,,,,
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"SAY, KIBO, ARE YOU RELATED TO BIFF?"
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N0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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"IS BIFF A KIBOLOGIST?"
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Everyone's a Kibologist... whether they know it or not!
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"KIBO, CAN YOU POST A .GIF OF YOURSELF?"
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Yes. But not right now. I've been meaning to when I have time to
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finish airbrushing my glossies.
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"HOW DO YOU SING THE QUOTATION MARKS IN `"KIBO"'?"
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First you hold up your right hand and make the international
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double-quote gesture with a quick downward arc of the index and middle
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fingers (do not do this backwards in most parts of the world.) Then,
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after "Kibo," do the same with your left hand. Other "quoted" words
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may "also" be "pronounced" in this "`way'".
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"WHY IS KIBO SO COOL?"
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He's not telling, because then you'd all remake yourselves in his
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image, and he'd just be average! Did you know that NEARLY HALF THE
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PEOPLE IN THE WORLD are BELOW AVERAGE? Shocking but VERIFIED BY
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ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA!
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"AS YOU MIGHT KNOW, KIBO LIVES IN BOSTON. WHY?"
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Proximity to the MIT nuclear reactor, Necco factory, Tea Party ship,
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and that glass building that drops windows on people. Oh, yeah, and
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it's also the Hub of the Universe. But Kibo is the axle.
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"WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MOST WIDELY QUOTED KIBO QUOTES?"
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The widest I've ever seen Kibo quoted is:
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` ` K i b o ' '
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...but in some extended fonts it could be a bit wider.
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"WHY DID ISTANBUL GET THE WORKS?"
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Actually, they just got some business cards. I had to put Turkish
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accent marks on ITC Souvenir Light; you haven't lived until you've seen
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a Souvenir `g' with the little doohickey floating over it.
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"IS ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY ARCHIVED ANYWHERE?"
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Yes. FTP to world.std.com, look in /pub/alt.religion.kibology. Find
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about 5000 articles to play with. Read them all. Then see a doctor.
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I recommend Dr. Theguywhocanrepairyourheadafteritexplodes... he's
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really nice.
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"HAS PHILIP K. DICK APPROVED OF THIS?"
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To quote from the first chapter of PKD's _Gather Yourselves Together_
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(1952), "He put his suitcase down and made certain that his wallet was
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buttoned into his pocket in such a way that it could not possibly fall
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out."
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Unlike PKD's characters, Kibo forgets to do stuff like this, and so
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occasionally his pocket falls out.
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"WHAT DOES `OBIK' MEAN?"
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Obik a special aerosol spray that makes things resistant to further use
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of Obik. Contains no harmful radioactive plutonium!
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"WHAT DOES `XVOB' MEAN?"
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It's in code. Ssh. It's a _secret_.
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"WHAT FLAVORS DO NEW CRUNCHY KibOs COME IN?"
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Regular, ham'n'egg, honey-lutefisk, cheez'n'whiz, nearly-kosher tofu,
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and dog.
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"WHY DID MY LEFT SIDEBURN FALL OUT?"
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That happened to William Shatner once, in the episode where the
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Transporter created an evil twin--hey, wait, I told you: STOP ASKING ME
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STAR TREK QUESTIONS! Shatner only got the Kirk role on Star Trek
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because he was married to Majel Barrett Roddenberry, anyway.
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"WHY DO EXPLODING HEADS SHOW UP SO MUCH IN BAD MOVIES AND TV?"
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Because they're sheer comedy! A laugh a minute! *boom* Hey, look,
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honey, that guy's head just exploded FOR NO REASON! It's almost as
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funny as a midget. Hey, look, honey, he's STILL short! You'll laugh
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for HOURS! Coming soon to Fox.
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"IF MOST PEOPLE ARE RIGHT-HANDED, WHY ARE ALL NEUTRINOS LEFT-HANDED?"
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It's a safety feature to keep kids from opening them.
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"WILL I EVER GET A LIFE?"
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I suggest you check alt.religion.kibology for the answer, every hour.
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On the hour. Don't forget to keep us posted, too.
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"HAVE I YET ACCUMULATED A LETHAL DOSE?"
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Perhaps just a lethal doze.
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"WHY AM I ASKING THIS?"
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Who do I look like--Criswell? Actually, my hairdo is stranger than
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his. But then again, he went bald later. And I didn't.
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