670 lines
39 KiB
Plaintext
670 lines
39 KiB
Plaintext
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September 17, 1991
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Official Usenet Alt.Folklore.Urban Frequently Posted Legends
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It's the 1990s.
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This is alt.folklore.urban -- the newsgroup where nonsense is revered
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as an artform, and debunking has been taken to new heights.
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The group has broadened out from a place for discussing urban legends
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(ULs) to a place for confirming or disproving beliefs and facts of all
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kinds, including origin of vernacular ("The whole nine yards", "Bob's
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your uncle"), common scientific fallacies, obscure points of history,
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stories of pranks and so on. In other words, it's a great place to get
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a reality check on anything that "a friend" told you, and to compare
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notes about odd things. You may be able to get better information
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elsewhere, but certainly not more entertaining!
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As a result, you will find items which are in the classic urban legend
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mold (e.g., food contamination legends), as well as old wives tales, and
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other oddball facts, trivia, and stories.
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The purpose of summarizing these frequently-seen legends is to provide
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a guide to veracity and their experience in this newsgroup.
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Key to one liners below:
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T = 100% scientific truth
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Tb = believed true, but not conclusively proven
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F = 100% falsehood
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Fb = believed false, but not conclusively proven
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U = unanswered and may be unanswerable
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P = Maybe it didn't happen, but it's scientifically possible
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(used extremely sparingly, where the opposite is expected,
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as it could apply to just about every legend)
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While many if not most ULs cannot be traced back to any original true
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incidents, such a conection may be established for some of the more
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recent ones. Also, there are classic ULs which may, coincidentally,
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have a true manifestation. Therefore, in future editions of this FAQ
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list, I am considering including a new code (something along the lines
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of "Ft") which indicates the classic UL status of the legend and a
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reference to a "true" incident. Of course, clear documentation subject
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to the constraints of e-mail, time, and how I feel will be needed to
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establish this. [No, I haven't gotten around to this yet.]
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I have also begun to collect references to specific volumes of JHB's to
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document various classic ULs. This is a slow and on-going process.
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Acronyms for Jan Harold Brunvand's books in the list below are:
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TVH - _The Vanishing Hitchhiker_
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TMP - _The Mexican Pet_
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TCD - _The Choking Doberman_
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C!BA - _Curses! Broiled Again_
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NOMINATIONS FOR THE OFFICIAL MOTTO OF A.F.U.
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"It could have happened, so it must be true."
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"Sheesh!"
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"Sorry to inject some facts into this newsgroup..."
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"It COULD have happened so it MUST have happened"
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"Bula Vinaka"
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"I read it on USENET so it must be true."
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"You st*p*d f*ck*ng b*st*rds..."
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OFFICIAL AFU MASCOT
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- My pet King snake, Elvis
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Since the FAQ list has really gotten quite large and, dare I say it,
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unwieldy; I have taken to including a list of the various categories.
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A caveat though, there are many interesting points that may not be
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immediately obvious (for various reasons) so if you have the time,
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try wading through the whole list, you may find more interesting things!
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Note to those with case-sensitive systems, the categories are in all
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capitals.
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To those readers acquainted with past versions of the list, I am making
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on-going enhancements including the reorganization of categories and
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the like. Feedback welcome.
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Okay, the major categories are:
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- The Misappliance of Science
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- The 'Plane Truth (What goes up...)
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- Does Not Compute
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- Twinkie Twitter
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- Mysterious Medical Maladies
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- Wind Powered Fantasies
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- Stupid Academia Tricks
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- Stupid People Tricks
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- How Firm is Your Foundation? (Architectural Legends)
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- Astonishing Antipodean Antics
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- Lewd Food (Most of yer standard "Contamination Legends" and "Horrors")
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- Snuff Movies
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- Upstanding Legends of the Penis and Scrotum
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- Hide the Salami ("Sex and Scandal" legends)
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- Disney Dementia
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- Government and Other Conspiracies (Bob's Your Uncle)
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- Wild Life in the Fast Lane
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- Legends About Natatory Capabilities of Large Anthropoid Primates
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- Astounding Avian Anomalies
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- Doggie Style and Cattie Wumpus
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- Other Animal Crackers
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- Anthropod Crackers
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- References and Credits
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================================================================================
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THE MISAPPLIANCE OF SCIENCE
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F. You can make as much ice faster by starting with warmer water.
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T. Boiled water freezes faster than ordinary water at same initial temp.
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T. Hot water evaporates while freezing, producing 75% of ice in 90% of time.
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F. A penny falling from height of Empire State building will embed in pavement.
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T. Coriolis force affects fluids if you take incredible pains to isolate it.
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Fb.Microwaving your panties kills yeast infections (cold spots in oven...)
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T. Soldiers break step when marching over bridges (trivially observed).
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U. Bridge falls down if soldiers don't break step when marching over.
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Fb.Bridge falls down due to resonance if soldiers don't break step marching over
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Broughton suspension bridge, England April 14 1831, fell under soldiers
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march, but prob just overloaded, not resonating. M Brader posted Times story!
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F. Otherwise sound bridge falls down if soldiers don't break step marching over.
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(There have been no documented instances of this)
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F. Bath water drains the other way round in other hemisphere, due to Coriolis.
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F. Coloring your CD's rim with (special) marker will enhance sound quality.
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F. People explode or boil or something when exposed to the vacuum of space.
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F. Eelskin wallet demagnetizes bank cards (nope, but magnetic clasp might).
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T. Venus and perhaps a few other bright stars/planets can be seen in daylight.
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F. Daylight sky appears dark enough to see stars from bottom of deep well.
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F. Bubbles in bubble wrap contain a cheap, but toxic gas.
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U. East German secret police "bug" factory now uses skills to make hearing aids
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F. Hot-drying acid-washed jeans "re-activates" the acid (Nope, but might shrink)
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F. Ontario Hydro mandated poor installation,so copper fails as often as Aluminum
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T. Fluorescent light will light up when held near high-voltage line.
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Tb.Fluorescent light will break down vitamins in clear milk containers.
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F. Fluorescent lights leach vitamins from your body
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Tb.Leather saddles used to be treated with llama dung to avoid scaring horses
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Tb.The spec. for leather saddles got copied for leather jackets...
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T. 3M "post-it" notes were invented & marketed as an unofficial project
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T. Subliminal messages in advertising are ineffective, but outlawed anyway.
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U. Filamentous phage M13 obtained from lab's letter rejecting the transfer!
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T. Long term storage of paper in a PVC envelope is harmful (fumes degrade it).
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T. Some combinations of metal tooth fillings can receive radio signals.
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Fb.Printer/copier toner is carcinogenic. But be careful about breathing it.
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F. The moon is larger near the horizon than up in the sky due to refraction.
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T. Folks once used something called a "slide rule" to perform math calculations.
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F. US and USSR won't destroy their cultures of smallpox for fear of bio- war.
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Tb.Wendy Howard Foran is the only AFUer who knows someone who's had smallpox.
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F. Taking baking soda as an antacid is bad 'cause CO2 can rupture your stomach.
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F. Leaving car radio on when the ignition switch is off will drain battery.
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[Excepting VWs and certain other German cars.]
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THE 'PLANE TRUTH (WHAT GOES UP...)
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T. 800ft diameter asteroid passed within 500K miles of hitting earth in 1989.
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Tb.Confused pilots occasionally land on tiny strip short of correct airport
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T. F51D plane can flip due to engine torque. (A. Frisbie posted pilot's manual!)
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Tb.US Govt fixed plane transponders always report positions (catch drug imports)
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T. Airforce/manufacturers tests planes by firing chickens from special cannon.
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U. Person fitted rocket/JATO unit to car, embedded in rockface at first bend.
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Tb Cessna planes aren't sold in the US anymore due to threat of liability suits.
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T. Beechcraft, Piper and Mooney still make & sell planes in the US however...
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T. Secret code for a hijack is "TRANSPONDER SEVEN FIVE ZERO ZERO".
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Tb.Leave flaps down when off the active as a request for armed intervention!!
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F. The Great Wall of China can be seen with the naked eye from the moon.
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T. Many manmade structures can be seen with the naked eye from Earth orbit.
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F. Shuttle crew did secret experiment on how to make love in zero gravity.
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Tb.Parachute mishap brought down a Cessna (gently) on a novice's parachute.
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DOES NOT COMPUTE
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T. Apple use a Cray to design hardware systems; Cray use an Apple...
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T. Prodigy grabs large sectors of the disk, containing data from deleted files.
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F. Prodigy slyly reads your disk & nefariously uploads your top secrets to IBM
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F. Stories about Seymour Cray's strange hobbies (annual boat burning etc).
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F. The FCC is proposing a modem tax (Nope, the proposal died in 1987).
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U. Bill Gates has $750K Porsche 959 he can't use; no type compliance,no license!
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U. New computer system "lost" a Montgomery Ward Calif warehouse for 3 years...
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T. "q=q++;" is an undefined statement under ANSI C (same object modified twice).
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T. Calling "#" a pound sign as in common US parlance really riles some folks up.
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T. "#" is frequently referred to as a "hash" mark outside the US.
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TWINKIE TWITTER
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T. "animal or vegetable shortening" on ingredients list == LARD
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F. Hostess snacks (Twinkies, Cupcakes, etc.) aren't baked! They set,like jello
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Fb.Twinkies eat mold... If mold grows on a twinkie, the twinkie digests it...
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MYSTERIOUS MEDICAL MALADIES
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U. Woman had "tree in the bedina" -- potato used as pessary, sprouted...
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U. Woman had "Smiling Mighty Jesus" -- spinal meningitis.
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U. Woman had "sick as hell anemia" -- sickle cell anemia
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U. Woman named child "Nosmo King" after sign on delivery room door.
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F. There is a special ward for "Newky Brown" addicts in Newcastle General
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F. Person's hair turns entirely white "overnight" from stress.
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T. Some people sneeze when exposed to bright light ("photic sneeze effect").
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T. Cindy Kandolf had the first successful "Upper case" transplant in Trondheim.
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WIND-POWERED FANTASIES
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T. Fin-de-siecle Frenchman,Petomane,got rich farting as music hall act.Fartist.
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U. Blowback from ignited fart, singed frat-boy's intestines.
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U. Vet cut vent-hole in cow's flank, lit escaping gases, burned down barn...
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STUPID ACADEMIA TRICKS
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T. Prof lists famous unsolved problems;student thought it was homework- solved!
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["The Unsolvable Math Problem" in CBA.]
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Fb.Student cheats on exam, asks "do you know who I am?",jams paper in exam pile!
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(No, the above was *not* the precedent for the Am/Ex advertisements.)
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Fb.Professor jostled; misses watch; grabs back from jostler; later finds at home
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[Variation of "The Jogger's Billfold" in TCD]
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F. College roommate commits suicide, gets you an automatic "A" for courses.
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["The Suicide Rule" in CBA.]
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Tb.Student gets tuition $ by making video asking for $0.01 from each person.
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Fb.Students find rolled-up carpet; take and unroll in dorm room to find a body.
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Fb.Student kills self during exam by putting 2 pencils in nose and hitting desk.
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T. People's lawn gnomes/elves stolen; owners were sent letter/pics from exotic
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locations with the ornament. ["Roaming Gnomes" in CBA]
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F. Two co-eds alone in dorm; one goes to study; other in room; roomie hears
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heavy dragging sounds; blocks door; hears scratches; waits til morning;
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opens door to find other co-ed with ax in head who was scratching for help.
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["The Roommate's Death" in TVH and TMP]
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F. Girl is alone at home/dorm with dog; sleeps; hears noise and a dripping
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sound; is frightened but reaches to dog and feels a lick; goes back to
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sleep. In morning, finds dog hanged in shower and note under bed which
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says "humans can lick too." ["The Licked Hand" in TCD]
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STUPID PEOPLE TRICKS
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T. Craig Shergold, UK cancer kid,sought postcards, overwhelmed with 33 million.
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T. Craig Shergold, UK health plan wouldn't operate;Kluge paid; tumor was benign!
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T. Craig Shergold's 12th birthday was June 24, 1991. From now June 24 is AFUday.
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T. But he sure as heck doesn't want or need anymore cards now.
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T. A variation of the above now includes a call for business cards.
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[Classic American UL in this genre is "Postcards for Little Buddy" in CBA]
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T. Person high on drugs stares at sun -- gets partial blindness.
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U. Errol Flynn was invited to "black tie" party; went nude, except for black tie
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T. The beggars with "will work for food" signs are just extra sympathy scams.
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T. People have been injured by rocking a vending machine, which falls on them.
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Fb.Man's house demolished after friend placed ad in paper for a joke.
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Fb.US GI captures Iraqi soldier - they knew each other from Chicago.
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F. Special chemical for swim pools, turns bright color on contact with urine.
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F. Half the stupid stories the "twin piques" Ann Landers & Dear Abby reprint.
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F. "3 Men & a Baby" has a scene with a real ghost in it.
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F. Wife sprays toilet with flammable bug spray, husband shits, smokes, explodes.
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F. "Blue star"or cartoon character "tattoos" laced with LSD sold at schools to
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hook kids into acid. ["Blue Star Acid" in CBA]
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Fb.Aluminum ring pull tabs are collected & exchanged for dialysis machine time.
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["Redemption Rumors" in TMP]
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F. Chanting "Mary Worth" before a mirror summons dead spirit at slumber parties.
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["I Believe in Mary Worth" see TMP]
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Tb.You can catch diseases (crabs, lice, herpes, VD, etc) from public toilets.
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Fb.Male athlete cheats drug test with wife's pee; test shows he's pregnant.
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T. Infirm, elderly, obese alcoholics have set themselves on fire occasionally.
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F. People occasionally spontaneously combust and burn to death. Whoompfh!
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F. Cabbage patch dolls are possessed by the devil.
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Fb.Couple stays in odoriferous hotel room;informed next day of body in mattress.
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F. Someone is crushed to death trying to shrink blue jeans by wearing in tub.
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["Product Defect and Liability Legends" in TCD]
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F. Tourists' room is burgled, later finds snaps of "toothbrush up thief's ass".
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T. Woman goes into epileptic seizures upon hearing Mary Hart's [ET anchor] voice
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F. Two guys come across a kid fishing; kid says fish aren't biting but worms
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are; on way back; they discover kid slumped over; worms were water moccasins!
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["The Can of Snakes" in TMP]
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F. Eskimos have some megaboss number of words for snow.
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F. Girl is crushed to death trying to shrink blue jeans by wearing in bathtub.
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Fb.Child's foot/leg is amputated after pumping Reeboks shoes too tight.
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F. Dr. C. Drew, a black plasma researcher; bleeds to death when hospital turns
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away a black man. [Similar story with death of Bessie Smith.]
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T. For some reason, some folks kill snakes by grabbing tail and snapping them.
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F. Guy trims hedges with lawnmower but trims own extremities; sues; wins big!
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Tb.Lots of people comment on the FAQ list without actually reading it.
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Fb.Compensation paid to survivors/families of convicted Salem witches til 1957.
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F. Folks find casks of wine in cellar of old house. Tap and drink from several
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of them. Later, find preserved body of original house owner who was shipped
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back. [Body in the cask motif may find some basis in old story of Admiral
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Nelson of Battle of Trafalgar. His body was shipped back in wine/rum cask.
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Upon arrival in UK, cask was low/empty.]
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HOW FIRM IS YOUR FOUNDATION? (ARCHITECTURAL LEGENDS)
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F. Building is built backwards. Public criticizes; Architect commits suicide.
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F. Various university libraries sink; books heavier than architect thought!
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F. Same as above, but pool not library, weight of water, not books.
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F. Lots of bldgs (malls, etc.) are rumored to be sinking into the ground.
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[For the above four, see "Back to the Drawing Board--Some Architectural
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Legends" in CBA]
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T. Some universities, cities are riddled with semi-secret utility tunnels.
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T. Clouds and other weather can transpire in the upper parts of high structures.
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Fb.RC Church building plans rev'd by Pope/Vatican; response was "we are not
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angels"; plans had no loos!
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ASTONISHING ANTIPODEAN ANTICS
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F. Some part of Australia is antipodal to some part of N. America or Europe.
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T. Cane toads are now a plague, originally imported to eat cane beetles.
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U. Koalas are always stoned/drunk, as they eat alcohol in eucalyptus leaves.
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U. Koalas, being filled with eucalyptus oil, "explode" in bushfires.
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F. Kangaroos deliver the mail in the outback.
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U. "Goanna Oil" dissolves muscle protein. Goannas are large native lizards.
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U. Driver fools tourists in Milford tunnel bus, says motorbike is oncoming train
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U. Dingos eat babies. Australian courts say YES, NO, YES.
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Fb.Aussies put vegemite under eyelids to get high. Yum!
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Tb.Half the males in New Zealand are named "Tony". The other half: "Anthony".
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T. Some New Zealanders do not think very highly of Australians.
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LEWD FOOD
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T. There're kosher Chinese restaurants in and around big East Coast cities.
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T. Most mass-market beers contain "foaming agents" to make them form a head.
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U. Eating lots of chicken fast food causes males to grow breasts (from hormones)
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T. Eggs and chicken are horribly contaminated, and should NOT be eaten raw.
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T. Unless marked "dairy", fast food shakes aren't milk: mostly carrageen gel.
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T. Lead leaches from lead crystal decanters into drinks;this is not good for you
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Tb.Eating carrots may improve night vision, because of large amounts of Vit A.
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Tb.Microwaved food is better (other cooking allegedly creates carcinogens)
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Tb.Eating celery takes more energy than its digestion yields.
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U. Mick Jagger used a Mars bar as a dildo on nubile pop loon Marianne Faithful
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F,T,T,U.Fast food places use unusual ingredients: worm, 'roo meat, seaweed, rat.
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["'The Kentucky Fried Rat' and Other Nasties" in TVH]
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F. Stranger at restaurant eats your cookies, you grab, later find you took his.
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["The Packet of Biscuits" in TCD. Yes, yes, yes, this is story Douglas
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Adams claims really happened to him.]
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F. Cook cheated into buying Mrs Fields' recipe, gets revenge by spreading it.
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["The Mrs. Fields Cookie Recipe" in CBA. This UL is probably a descendant
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of the "Red Velvet Cake" UL in TVH]
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F. Aspirin and Coca-Cola taken together get you high. (Nope. May cause insomnia)
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F. Drinking distilled water is bad for you since you don't get "trace minerals"
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F. Green M&M's ("Smarties" in UK and Canada) are an aphrodisiac
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F. Red M&M's are a carcinogen (Nope, they used red dye #5,not dangerous #2)
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[Both M&M legends are in "Green M&Ms" in TMP]
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F. Ingesting a tapeworm will help you slim, so people do this regularly
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["'Bosom Serpent' Legends" in TCD.]
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T. Many CIA (and other gov't) snackbars are staffed by blind people.
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F. Grape seeds can get caught in your appendix and give you appendicitis.
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T. British army doses water with bromide (for purification), soldiers say it's..
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U. ... to suppress soldiers' libidos. US Army salts their peters with saltpeter.
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Fb.Kennedy family made their pile thru a Scotch import monopoly
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Tb.Kennedy family made their pile thru smuggling Scotch during prohibition.
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F. The red leaves of Poinsettias (aka the Xmas Plant) are deadly poisonous.
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["The Poinsettia Myth" in TMP]
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T. People have been poisoned by eating food cooked on burning oleander branches.
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Tb.Asparagus stinks up pee, but ability to smell it is genetically inherited.
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T. Fresh seeds from plants of rose family react to form cyanide in the body.
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T. Lots of Asian restaurants have humorous names to English speakers.
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F. Mikey (Life cereal) exploded from eating Pop Rocks with soda (You wish!)
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["The Death of Little Mikey" in TCD]
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Fb.A popular Mexican beer was rumored to be made with urine.
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T. Some people like to eat the placenta (aka afterbirth) of their children.
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F. Shampoos and foreign beauty aids are made from aborted babies.
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F. Couple travels to exotic locale with pet dog. Eaterie prepares it for them.
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["Food and Restaurant Rumors and Legends" & "Unfortunate Pet Legends" in TCD]
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F. Ex-Pat ethnic eateries (Chinese/East Indian/Italian) use cat/dog/human meat.
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["The Eaten Pets" and "Further Ethnic Stereotype Legends" in TMP]
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F. Cantaloupes are infected with salmonella and are thus bad to eat.
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Fb.In pre-revolutionary Paris, peasants resold food from restaurant garbage.
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T. Vegemite (and Marmite) is made from yeast by-products, salt, and other stuff.
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SNUFF MOVIES
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By definition, a snuff film is one in which the film is the *purpose* of
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(rather than incidental to) the murder. I.e. if they ran out of film, the
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murder would be postponed until someone could run down to the 7-11 & get
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more. Paul Lanning, the FBI's chief researcher into child pornographers
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was quoted by "The Times" of London:
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"In 20 years I have not seen any hard evidence that they have
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commercially produced sexually explicit films of murders for the
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gratification of other people. Simulated snuff movies using
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special effects are so realistic there is no point in risking life
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in jail."
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Note to the new reader: please don't send or post e-mail saying "snuff movies
|
|
*could* exist, because people are naughty enough" - this is not in dispute;
|
|
the point is that no examples have yet come to light. Until someone shows
|
|
evidence of their existence, snuff films are in the same category as UFO's,
|
|
the Loch Ness monster, and Bruce Willis's hair -- i.e. "believed false."
|
|
Tb.The Feds, cops, CIA etc have never actually found a real snuff film.
|
|
Fb."Snuff films" actually exist (Nope, tho' there are various wannabe fakes)
|
|
T. Some psychotics have taped the murder of their victims.
|
|
Tb.Mr. Ed was actually a zebra. The series was in B/W so viewers couldn't tell.
|
|
|
|
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|
UPSTANDING LEGENDS OF THE PENIS AND SCROTUM
|
|
F. Model's dick showed in a Sear's catalog ad for shorts (it was drawstring!)
|
|
T. But it looked a little like the model's wiener, and folks thought it was.
|
|
T. Nelson Rockefeller died of cardiac arrest while porking the help.
|
|
U. Errol Flynn banged out "Star-spangled Banner" on xylophone with his big dong
|
|
F. Gangster John Dillinger's long wang is pickled in a jar at/near Smithsonian.
|
|
F. In Nigeria, roving gangs of thieves may surreptitiously steal mens' dorks.
|
|
T. Groupies took plaster casts of pop singers' schlongs, inc Hendrix's whacker.
|
|
Tb.Adolf Hitler only had one testicle. Immortalized in many a kid's rhyme.
|
|
T. Masturbator's penis in hose chopped by fan blade of Hoover Dustette cleaner.
|
|
T. This is dubbed the legend of "the Cleaner and the Leaner Wiener".
|
|
U. Woman slits guy's scrotum, sticks straw in, and blows; he gets off on it...
|
|
F. Child in mall goes to toilet; is abducted; has willie cut off.
|
|
[TCD]
|
|
|
|
HIDE THE SALAMI
|
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U. Cuckolded husband replaces contents of wife's pessaries with lye.
|
|
T. Mad doctor in Ohio cut off womens' clitoral hoods while operating on them.
|
|
T. People put assorted objects up their asses, get stuck, removed in hospital.
|
|
U. Well-known film star et al. put a gerbil up his ass for "wriggly furry fun"
|
|
["The Colo-Rectal Mouse" in TMP]
|
|
U. Well-known male pop star rushed from concert, stomach pumped free of semen.
|
|
F. Spanish fly (Cantharides) is aphrodisiac (actually genital tract irritant).
|
|
F. Girl slipped spanish fly at drive-in movie; found impaled on gear shift.
|
|
F. Woman tied naked to bed, man in superhero costume with broken leg in closet
|
|
Fb.Hetero couple get stuck together while coupling. Separated at hospital.
|
|
F. One night stand, goes early, leaves message that partner will get AIDS.
|
|
["AIDS Mary" in CBA]
|
|
F. Student is regularly nocturnally chloroformed by roommate, for sodomy.
|
|
F. `Baghdad Betty' told US army that Bart Simpson was sleeping with their wives.
|
|
Tb.Would-be rapist steals kisses; one Calif victim bit a piece off his tongue.
|
|
F. Man fills wife's lover's convertible car with concrete.
|
|
["The Solid Cement Cadillac" in TVH]
|
|
T. Woman's womb filled with air during cunnilingus; she dies due to embolism.
|
|
F. Woman impregnated while swimming, due to sperm loose in pool.
|
|
F. Woman impregnated when hit by bullet that shot Civil War soldier's testicles.
|
|
Tb.Unintentional virgin birth happens occasionally in bizarre circumstances.
|
|
Tb.E.g. vagina-less woman, fellates lover, stabbed in gut by boyfriend,pregnant!
|
|
F. Silicone breasts expand under low pressure (e.g. airline stewardesses on job)
|
|
U. Mother threatens to discipline kid;kid threatens to squeal on mom's fellatio.
|
|
U. Woman gets a potato inserted in womb by midwife as pessary; it sprouts...
|
|
Tb.Part of Brian Scearce was a model for a sculpture in the Adult Film Museum.
|
|
[Which part is left as an exercise for the reader.]
|
|
Tb.US Civil War Gen. Hooker is the source for a common term for streetwalkers.
|
|
F. Guy fixes septic tank blockage; finds due to too many condoms; tells husband;
|
|
husband says "I don't use them".
|
|
|
|
DISNEY DEMENTIA
|
|
T. Disney parks are riddled with secret tunnels and surveillance equipment.
|
|
T. "Little Mermaid" video cover features good drawing of penis. Prank? Revenge?
|
|
T. There is a basketball hoop at the top of the Matterhorn replica.
|
|
T. Male Disneyites may not grow beards (& many other petty rules for women too)
|
|
T. There is a secret "Club 33" serving hard liquor,in New Orleans Sq,Disneyland.
|
|
T. Clerics in their robes are admitted to Disneyland at concessionary rates.
|
|
T. Wheelchairs & 1 attendant go to the front of the line for rides.
|
|
Tb.Disney ripped off Orlando county, thru grabbing Federal road funds
|
|
T. Woman alleges clit-tickling by one third of 3 Little Pigs; case thrown out
|
|
F. Three little pigs clit-tickled law-suit happy babe, with non-mobile arms.
|
|
F. Child disappears from Disneyland, found with new haircut, dyed by abductor.
|
|
T. SF writer Harlan Ellison fired from Dismalland after porn joke on Mickey.
|
|
F. Old Walt Disney's dead body was frozen for later revivification.
|
|
|
|
|
|
GOVERNMENT AND OTHER CONSPIRACIES (BOB'S YOUR UNCLE)
|
|
T. You can beat any drug test (in a Zen way) by not taking the test.
|
|
U. CIA fixed the Anarchist's Cookbook, so explosive blows up as you make it.
|
|
U. More than 4 hits of acid in one month renders you legally insane.
|
|
T. You may *own* the mailbox, but the US Postal Service controls what goes in it
|
|
T. A.J.Balfour appt'd Secretary Ireland by Uncle Bob.Nepotism? Bob's your uncle.
|
|
T. The CIA, NSA and 11 different secret govt organizations tap & bug everything
|
|
T. Princess Anne was only female competitor not given sex test in 1976 Olympics.
|
|
T. No matter how ill, gay, deaf, or demented you acted, draft board had you 1-A.
|
|
T. London doctor struck off for inveigling Turkish peasants to donate a kidney.
|
|
F. Guy wakes up in Big City, a kidney has been stolen from him!
|
|
Tb.Hubbard started Scientology after Heinlein bet he couldn't found a religion.
|
|
T. P&G's logo does NOT reflect Satanic ties, despite claims to the contrary.
|
|
["The Proctor & Gamble Trademark" in TCD]
|
|
F. Universal Product Codes (computer readable bar-codes) are marks of Satan.
|
|
P. VP Bush persuaded Iranians to delay hostage release to aid Reagan election.
|
|
U. Govt has secret plan to replace the currency overnight to foil drug barons.
|
|
Tb.CIA radio transmits spoken five digit code numbers to operatives worldwide
|
|
T. You can send a coconut thru the mail without any further wrapping. Yowser!
|
|
Tb.Some change-making machines can be fooled by photocopies of currency.
|
|
T. The NSA shortened the key length on DES.
|
|
U. The NSA shortened the key length on DES so they could crack everyone's codes.
|
|
T. The NIST is proposing standardizing a less secure encryption than RSA...
|
|
U. because the NSA asked them to, so they could crack everyone's codes.
|
|
F. Unification Church (i.e. Moonies) owns Entenmann's bakery
|
|
T. Entenmann's owned by General Foods, Philip Morris bought, merged w/ Kraft.
|
|
U. Unification Church (i.e. Moonies) owns Waldenbooks.
|
|
Tb.Unification Church (i.e. Moonies) owns a fishprocessing plant in Gloucester
|
|
T. Fijian on the AT&T ad says ""Bula vinaka, beachside!" ("hello, thanks").
|
|
U. German was once within one or two votes of becoming the official US language.
|
|
F. Govt cabbage price memo lots longer than var. patriotic/religious documents.
|
|
["The Price of Cabbage Memo" under "Government Legends" in TCD.]
|
|
F. Govt regularly burns WWII-era hemp fields. Only high officials know where.
|
|
Fb.Class requests remote imaging photo from US; US says no; USSR sends some.
|
|
F. Compensation paid to kin of Salem witches up to 1957 (per _The Economist_).
|
|
T. Mass. recanted the Salem trials and freed the witches within a few years
|
|
T. Name of last alleged witch was cleared in 1957.
|
|
Tb.Whole business is extraordinarily similar to modern accusations of Satanism.
|
|
|
|
|
|
WILD LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
|
|
Fb.Schoolkid beheaded by road sign, due to sticking his head out the bus window.
|
|
Tb.Oregon Highway Div blows up eight ton dead whale, showers town with blubber.
|
|
Fb.Gas (petrol) engines pollute the same as diesel; diesel just smells worse.
|
|
Tb.Diesel engines emit more unburnt hydrocarbons than gas ones w/catalytic conv.
|
|
Fb.Power windows in cars trap kids' limbs, necks. Kill or maim them.
|
|
F. Stop signs with a white border are optional. (Oh, I don't think so...)
|
|
Fb.Airbag in car can give you acid-burn on the face when it deploys.
|
|
U. Driver sets cruise control, wrongly believes it steers too! Crashes...
|
|
["'Cruise Control' Stories" in TCD.]
|
|
U. Tree-lined French avenue triggers epileptic fits by flickering light at 11Hz.
|
|
U. New car rattles -- note found in door frame from factory saboteur...
|
|
["The Rattle in the Cadillac" in TCD. Classic UL is always a luxury car.]
|
|
T. Montana & Wyoming have a token $5 fine for exceeding Federal 55mph limit.
|
|
T. Mongo-power engine installed in weenie-looking car. Blows off Corvettes.
|
|
T. John Somebody-or-other built car called "the Beast" with 27lt Spitfire engine
|
|
T. It eventually took off, and self-destructed on the A27 outside Brighton.
|
|
T. Special equipment can transmit any reading you want to police radar gun.
|
|
T. Nobody knows what happened to Evel Knievel, 70's daredevil, nobody cares.
|
|
T. There are traffic lights with green on top in a few US Irish neighborhoods.
|
|
T. You can be guilty of DUI on a bicycle, horse, perambulator, etc most places.
|
|
T. Guy in Los Alamos labs fitted a jet engine to Honda Civic, ran on salt flats.
|
|
Fb.Man working on roof ropes himself to car on other side;wife drives off.Splat.
|
|
T. The "man on roof" appeared on a home video show in UK. Believed to be staged.
|
|
F. Hitchhiker disappears, is ghost of person killed years ago in road accident.
|
|
["The Vanishing Hitchhiker" in TVH and TMP]
|
|
F. Valuable classic car sold for pittance by (1) grieving parents of war dead
|
|
F,U(2) spouse of errant husband (3) heirs of person who died and rotted in it.
|
|
Fb.(4) sold by widow who would receive either car or proceeds of its sale.
|
|
["The Death Car" and "The Philanderer's Porsche" in TVH. "The Bargain
|
|
Sports Car" in CBA]
|
|
F. Psycho's handhook hanging from the car door, broken off as couple drove away
|
|
["The Hook" in TVH]
|
|
F. Carthief squashed dead in stolen BMW by collapsing freeway in '89 SF quake
|
|
F. Driving barefoot is illegal most places (Nope, but it's dumb to goad cops)
|
|
T. Driving barefoot is illegal in the state of Kentucky.
|
|
T. New York car thief stole lab delivery of cadaver heads...
|
|
U. Red sports cars generate disproportionate number of speeding tickets.
|
|
F. Man crashes into tollbooth while receiving fellatio from girlfriend.
|
|
Tb.There're lots folk remedies to plug up old radiators: cigarettes, pepper.
|
|
T. Lots of places have weird street names.
|
|
T. You can find lots of weird messages on license plates.
|
|
Tb."SIGAlerts" in the greater LA area are actually named for a guy named Sig.
|
|
F. Couple's car out of gas; he gets help; she hears noise, then cops arrive;
|
|
tell her to leave & not look back; she does, sees him hanging or decapitated.
|
|
["The Boyfriend's Death" in TVH]
|
|
F.A guy trys to siphon petrol from an RV but siphons from the septic tank
|
|
instead. Found unconscious.
|
|
|
|
|
|
LEGENDS ABOUT NATATORY CAPABILITIES OF LARGE ANTHROPOID PRIMATES
|
|
Tb.Gorillas can't swim.
|
|
T. Some tribe of Japanese macaques sift their grain in the sea.
|
|
Fb.Many simians hold regular swimming contests; winners mate w/ choice females.
|
|
T. ...Losers go on "The Love Connection".
|
|
P. Chimpanzee muscles are formed in a way that renders backstroke impossible.
|
|
T. Some monkeys prefer not to swim at all; will drown if dropped in water.
|
|
|
|
ASTOUNDING AVIAN ANOMALIES
|
|
F. Birds cannot sing while on the ground.
|
|
Tb.Govt forces commercial birdseed to be irradiated to stop hemp seed sprouting.
|
|
T. Radar emissions can kill birds, sterilize sailors, fry other small mammals.
|
|
T. Chickens are easily mesmerized. Whoopee.
|
|
F. Sprinkle salt on a bird's tail to catch it by preventing it flying away.
|
|
T. If the bird let you get close enough to salt its tail, you could grab it.
|
|
F. Seagulls explode when you feed them Alka-Seltzer or rice.
|
|
["The Death of Little Mikey" in TCD]
|
|
|
|
DOGGIE-STYLE and CATTY-WUMPUSS [See also LEWD FOOD]
|
|
T. Dalmatians and humans are the only mammals whose urine contains urea.
|
|
U. Dog put in microwave to dry out- dies gruesome death/lives to bark again.
|
|
["The Pet (or Baby) in the Oven" and "Hot Dog" in TVH. Also "I Read It
|
|
in the Paper" in TCD.]
|
|
Fb.Trapper ties dynamite to coyote, releases; coyote runs under his car/house.
|
|
["The Coyote's Revenge" in TCD. There are also similar ULs with rabbits
|
|
and all are traced back to a central motif involving a cat in TMP]
|
|
F. People found a rat in Mexico and brought it home thinking it was a dog.
|
|
["The Mexican Pet" in TMP]
|
|
F. A Doberman chokes on fingers that it bit off burglar hidden in closet
|
|
["The Choking Doberman" in TCD and TMP]
|
|
F. Plastic/glass water bottles on lawn prevent dogs urinating in the area.
|
|
F. Dead rabbit next door dug up by dog; washed, put in cage by frantic dogowner.
|
|
["The Hare Drier" in CBA.]
|
|
F. The scent of wolf dung terrifies dogs, so disposal by zoos is regulated.
|
|
F. Fox frees itself of fleas by gradual immersion, shifting fleas to lintball.
|
|
T. Radioactive cat litter found in May 1991 in Berkeley, Calif
|
|
U. Source of the litter was radioactive cat food? cat on radiation therapy?
|
|
F. Killer whales will attack swimming dogs because they stink like hell.
|
|
T. Cats can carry a parasite (toxoplasmosis) which is esp. dangerous to fetuses.
|
|
|
|
|
|
OTHER ANIMAL CRACKERS
|
|
U. Every animal has enough brains in its head to tan its own hide.
|
|
Fb.Driver runs over exotic animal,wraps in coat for fun photo;revives,runs off!
|
|
Fb.Farmer asks hunter to shoot mule; other hunter shoots another mule too.
|
|
T. Armadillos can contract leprosy;
|
|
U. Armadillos can spread leprosy to humans.
|
|
Tb.Cow tipping (pushing over a sleeping cow) has happened
|
|
Tb.Cow-tipping is usually just a bunch of hooey to beguile city kids.
|
|
Tb.Candiru fish, native to S. America, can swim into your urethra.
|
|
T. Fainting goats are real. Crimony!
|
|
T. Galapagos turtles do moan and groan during copulation.
|
|
F. Guinea pigs' eyes fall out if you hold them up by their tails.
|
|
T. Guinea pigs actually *do* have small stumpy vestigial tails. Take a look!
|
|
Fb.Horse falls thru bottom of trailer, legs ground to stumps.
|
|
Fb.Otter, newly-released after $50K Valdez clean-up, is eaten by whale.
|
|
T. Rats cannot vomit (the basis for many rat poisons).
|
|
Fb.Bldg collapses due to gas explosion from buried dead elephant under it.
|
|
F. There are [albino] alligators inhabiting the sewers of New York City.
|
|
|
|
|
|
ARTHROPOD CRACKERS
|
|
T. Really big insects (snakes too) can get imported along with fruit shipments
|
|
F. Dragonflies ("darning needles") can sting you very severely.
|
|
T. Only hymenopterans sting. A large dragonfly may be strong enough to pinch.
|
|
F. If a dragonfly or a ladybug lands on you, you will have good luck.
|
|
T. "Killer" African bees are swarming into Texas from down South.
|
|
T. A lot of people have found live or dead insects in their fast food snacks.
|
|
T. Cockroaches love coffee, live in TV's, too often get in your cup or food.
|
|
T. Insect lays eggs in open wound; months later baby insects eat their way out.
|
|
F. Cactus shakes, then explodes with hundreds of scorpions/spiders
|
|
["Spiders in the Yucca" in TMP]
|
|
F. Explorer gets bug in ear; bug eats thru to other ear; gave birth on way...
|
|
[Similar ULs under "A Bug in the Ear" in CBA]
|
|
F. Bugs congregate in the pointy ends of bananas, so discard before eating.
|
|
Fb.Lobsters, dropped in boiling water, scream.(Nah, it's steam from under shell)
|
|
Fb.Moth/butterfly scales from wings will poison or blind you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
REFERENCES:
|
|
|
|
Jan Harold Brunvand (_The Vanishing Hitchhiker_, 1981, ISBN 0-393-95169-3;
|
|
_The Choking Doberman_, 1984, ISBN 0-393-30321-7; _The Mexican Pet_, 1986,
|
|
ISBN 0-393-30542-2; _Curses! Broiled Again_, 1989, ISBN 0-393-30711-5
|
|
all published by W.W. Norton) is one of the leading folklorists today and
|
|
has done much to popularize the study of ULs. Also has a great back hand.
|
|
|
|
Cecil Adams (_The Straight Dope_, 1984, ISBN 0-345-33315-2 and_More of the
|
|
Straight Dope_, 1988, ISBN 0-345-35145-2 both published by Ballantine
|
|
Books). Author of "The Straight Dope" Q&A column of _The Chicago
|
|
Reader_ and is syndicated in many alternative newspapers. Cecil is "a
|
|
National Treasure" who "tells people what they actually want and need
|
|
to know instead of useless rubbish." Worth reading if only for for his
|
|
writing style.
|
|
|
|
William Poundstone (_Big Secrets_, 1983, Morrow and _Bigger Secrets_, 1986,
|
|
Houghton-Mifflin). Sorry, it's a secret.
|
|
|
|
Interested (or desperate) readers should also contact Terry J. Wood
|
|
for other suggested reading at:
|
|
|
|
INTERNET: tjw@unix.cis.pitt.edu BITNET: TJW@PITTVMS CC-NET: 33802::tjw
|
|
UUCP: {decwrl!decvax!idis, allegra, bellcore}!pitt!unix.cis.pitt.edu!tjw
|
|
|
|
You may also wish to ask about Alka-Seltzer/seagulls while you're at it.
|
|
|
|
An urban legend:
|
|
* appears mysteriously and spreads spontaneously in varying forms
|
|
* contains elements of humor or horror (the horror often "punishes"
|
|
someone who flouts society's conventions).
|
|
* makes good storytelling.
|
|
* does NOT have to be false, although most are. ULs often have a basis
|
|
in fact, but it's their life after-the-fact (particularly in reference
|
|
to the second and third points) that gives them particular interest.
|
|
|
|
------
|
|
|
|
Unbounded thanks to: Mark Brader, Raymond Chen, Cathi A.Cook, Scott Deerwester,
|
|
all the other Terry's: Monks, Wood, etc., David Esan, Alan Frisbie, Tom Greer,
|
|
Phil Gustafson, David A. Honigs, Wendy Foran Howard, Jim Jones, Susan Mudgett,
|
|
Bill Nelson, Tom Neff, Brian Scearce, Randal Schwartz, Ken Shirriff, snopes,
|
|
Dwight Tovey, Peter van der Linden, and Greg Widdicombe.
|
|
|
|
And of course, you folks on the net (and everywhere else) whose culture
|
|
(and participation in it) which makes it all possible!
|
|
|
|
If you have general comments, you can post them to the net. If you have
|
|
specific comments, you can either hold 'em between your knees or send
|
|
them to me (your choice, but don't send them to me after you've held them
|
|
between your knees) at the e-mail address below.
|
|
|
|
Original FAQ list by Peter van der Linden, February, 1991.
|
|
Maintained by Terry Chan since July, 1991.
|
|
Last updated: August 21, 1991, by Terry Chan.
|
|
--
|
|
================================================================================
|
|
INTERNET: twchan@lbl.gov BITNET: twchan@lbl.bitnet
|
|
"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I
|
|
generalize, I don't care." -- Dave Barry
|
|
|