223 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
223 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
THE SOUTH POLE..........[312] 677-7140
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* *
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* AN UNABRIDGED, UNCOMMON, AND *
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* UNNECESSARY DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER *
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* TERMINALOGY *
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* *
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***************************************
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SNAGGED OFF A VAX SYSTEM BY:
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KING HERMAN
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FEB. 26, 1985
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ARRAY: WHAT COMES OUT OF BUCK ROGER'S GUN.
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ASSUMED DECIMAL POINT: LOCATED TWO POSITIONS TO THE RIGHT OF A PROGRAMMER'S
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CURRENT SALARY IN ESTIMATING HIS OWN WORTH.
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BASIC: 1) WHAT PROGRAMS APPEAR TO BE BUT NEVER ARE. 2) ACHRONYM FOR
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"BEGINNERS ALL-PURPOSE SOCIETY FOR INCOMPETENT COMPUTING"
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BIT: THE INCREMENT BY WHICH COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS SLOWLY GO MAD.
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BUFFER: 1) A JOB FOR OUT OF WORK PROGRAMMERS CONSISTING OF POLISHING
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FLOORS. 2) THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN THE PROGRAMMER'S FAVORITE
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DRUG: ASPIRIN.
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BUS: AS IN GREYHOUND OR PDP, UPON WHICH ALL DATA COMMUTE TO WORK.
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CARD READER: WOMAN WHO TELLS FORTUNES.
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CHAINING: A METHOD OF ATTACHING PROGRAMMERS TO DESKS TO SPEED UP OUTPUT.
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CHARACTER SET: A GROUP OF QUALITIES THAT PROGRAMMERS BEGIN TO LACK AFTER
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MANY YEARS OF OVERFLOWS AND HEAD CRASHES. (SEE: ANY TERM
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ABOVE THAT YOU DON'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE IF YOU
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DON'T, THEN YOU PROBABLY STILL HAVE ONE.
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CHECKPOINT: THE LOCATION FROM WHICH A PROGRAMMER DRAWS HIS SALARY.
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COBOL: TWO BOLS WORKING TOGETHER ON A COMMON PROJECT.
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COMMENTS: SEE FIXED WORD LENGTH.
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COMPILER: PROGRAM THAT CONTINUALLY FINDS FAULT WITH YOUR WORK. (SEE ALSO:
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WIFE.)
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COMPLEX: ADJECTIVE USED TO DESCRIBE PROBLEMS TO BE AVOIDED.
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COMPUTER CRIME: A SYSTEM WITHOUT STAR TREK, ADVENTURE, VAXMAN, AND THE LIKE
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INSTALLED ON IT.
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CONCATENATION: CATHOLIC RITUAL PERFORMED ONCE A YEAR TO BLESS PROGRAMMERS.
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CONSTANT: ANYTHING BUT A,E,I,O OR U.
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CORE STORAGE: A RECEPTICAL FOR THE CENTER SECTION OF APPLES.
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COUNTER: A DEVICE OVER WHICH MARTINIS ARE SERVED.
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CPU: ACRONYM FOR "CENTRAL PULVERIZING UTILITY."
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DEBUGGING AIDS: INSECTICIDES.
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DEQUEUE: SOUTHERN REFERENCE TO QUEUE. EXAMPLE: "WHERE'D YOU PUT DE QUEUE,
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MAN?"
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DUMMY ARGUEMENTS: DISCUSSION BETWEEEN PROGRAMMERS.
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DUMP: SLANG TERM FOR COMPUTER BUILDING. (I.E. "WHY DO I SPEND SO MUCH
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TIME IN THIS DUMP?)
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DUMP LIST: LIST OF BRANCH OFFICES.
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EDT: PESTICIDE FOR GETTING RID OF CUTE LITTLE ALIENS.
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ERROR: WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS MADE WHEN THEY DISAGREE WITH YOUR COMPUTER
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OUTPUT.
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EXTERNAL STORAGE: WASTEBASKET.
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FIXED WORD LENGTH: FOUR-LETTER WORDS USED BY PROGRAMMERS IN A STATE OF
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CONFUSION.
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FLOATING CONTROL: A CHARACTERISTIC EXHIBITED WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE
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RESTROOM, BUT CAN'T LEAVE THE COMPUTER.
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FLOATING POINT: THE ABSOLUTE LIMIT BEFORE FLOATING CONTROL IS LOST.
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FLOW CHART: A GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF THE FASTEST ROUTE TO THE RESTROOM.
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FOR: A GOOD CONDITIONAL STATEMENT FOR INITIALIZING A LOOP. (SEE: LOOP.
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SEE ALSO: WATFOR.)
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FORMAT: WHAT YOU WIPE YOUR FEET ON BEFORE ENTERING THE COMPUTER BUILDING.
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FORTRAN: ANSWER TO WATFOR
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FREE: AN OBSOLETE EXPRESSION.
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FUNCTION: WHAT A PROGRAM NEVER DOES ON THE FIRST RUN.
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GLOBAL VARIABLE: A VARIABLE WHO LIKES TO TRAVEL.
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GOTO: OFTEN USED IN CONJUNCTION WITH BIBLICAL LOCATIONS. (SEE ALSO: FIXED
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WORD LENGTH.)
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HARDWARE: FROZEN SOFTWARE.
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HEAD CRASH: LAST STEP BEFORE COMPUTER GOTO, USUALLY EXECUTED BY PROGRAMMER
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CRASHING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE NEAREST WALL.
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HEX: A SPELL CAST ON ANYONE DECIDING TO BE A PROGRAMMER.
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INFINITE LOOP: SEE: LOOP.
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INPUT: FOOD, WHISKEY, BEER, ASPIRIN, ETC.
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INTERFACE: THE AREA BETWEEN A PROGRAMMER'S CHIN AND HAIRLINE.
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INTERRUPT: USUALLY THE RESULT OF A KEYPUNCH. (SEE ALSO: HEAD CRASH.)
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JOB QUEUE: INPUT FILE FOR OPERATING SYSTEM RANDOM FILE LOSS UTILITY.
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KEYPUNCH: ERROR SOLVING PROCEDURE USED BY PROGRAMMERS; CONSISTS OF APPLYING
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ONE'S FIST TO THE TELETYPE TERMINAL.
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LINE PRINTER: MACHINE THAT PRINTS LINES ON BLANK P APER, ALSO KNOWN AS A
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PAPER SHREDDER.
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LISP: THE LANGUAGE OF VARIABLES.
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LOGICAL OPERATER: EXTINCT SPECIES.
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LOOP: SEE: INFINITE LOOP.
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LOOPING: FEELING EXPERIENCED BY DRUNK PROGRAMMERS.
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MACHINE LANGUAGE: GRUNTS, GROANS, SQUEAKS, SHUDDERS, ETC.
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MACRO: THE LAST HALF OF AN EXPRESSION OF SUPRISE: "HOLY MACRO!"
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MASS BUS: A VERY LARGE BUS, SOMETIMES A GMC MOTOR COACH. (SEE ALSO: BUS.)
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MEMORY DUMP: AMNESIA.
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NODE: 1) USELESS APENDAGE. 2) ANY PROGRAMMER THAT REFUSES TO WRITE
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ANYTHING BUT SERIOUS CODE. SIMILAR TO A FOUR-LETTER WORD BEGINNING
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IN THE SAME LETTER, BUT ENDING IN "ERD".
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OPERATOR: THE PERSON WHO ALWAYS RIPS YOUR PROGRAM IN HALF WHEN REMOVING IT
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FROM THE LINE PRINTER. (SEE ALSO: INEFFICIENT.)
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OUTPUT: SEE ALSO: FLOATING CONROL.
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OVERFLOW: CONDITION RESULTING FROM EXCEEDING FLOATING POINT.
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PASCAL: TRAVELING BETWEEN UTAH AND MEXICO (OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND).
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PINBOL: MOST WIDELY USED LANGUAGE. TERMINALS USUALLY FOUND IN POOL HALLS,
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BARS, ETC.
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POINTER: A BREED OF HUNTING DOG.
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POST MORTEM DUMP: PLACE FOR DEAD PROGRAMMERS. (SEE ALSO: DUMP.)
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PROGRAMMER: 1) RED-EYED, MUMBLING MAMMAL CAPABLE OF CONVERSING WITH
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INANIMATE OBJECTS. 2) PEOPLE WHO PASS THEMSELVES OFF AS
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EXACTING EXPERTS ON THE BASIS OF BEING ABLE TO TURN OUT, AFTER
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INNUMERABLE DEBUGGING SESSIONS, AN INFINITE SERIES OF
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INCOMPREHENSIBLE ANSWERS CALCULATED WITH MICROMETRIC PRECISION
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FROM VAGUE ASSUMPTIONS BASED ON DEBATABLE FIGURES TAKEN FROM
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INCONCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS OF PROBLEMATICAL ACCURACY BY PERSONS OF
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DUBIOUS RELIABILITY AND QUESTIONABLE MENTALITY FOR THE PURPOSE
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OF ANNOYING AND CONFOUNDING A HOPELESSLY DEFENSELESS DEPARTMENT
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THAT WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE ASKED FOR THE INFORMATION.
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QUEUE: STICK USED FOR THE PLAYING OF POCKET BILLIARDS.
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REGISTER: OFTEN FOUND IN STORES.
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SIGNIFICANT DIGIT: MIDDLE FINGER OF EITHER HAND, COMMONLY USED BY
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PROGRAMMERS WHEN TALKING TO OPERATORS. (I.E.HE GAVE THE
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OPERATROR TWO SIGNIFICANT DIGITS.)
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SIN: NOT ATTENDING CONCATENATION SERVICES.
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SERIAL: WHAT YOU POUR MILK (OR WHATEVER) OVER AND EAT FOR BREAKFAST (E.G.
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FROSTED FLAKES, CHEERIOS, SUGAR POPS, FRUIT LOOPS, OATMEAL, ETC.).
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SERIAL INTERFACE: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A PROGRAMMER'S BREAKFAST MISSES HIS (OR
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HER) MOUTH. (SEE: INTERFACE, SERIAL.)
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SNOBOL: WHAT PROGRAMMERS THROW AT OPERATORS DURING THE WINTER.
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SPITBOL: WHAT PROGRAMMERS SHOOT IN CLASS.
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STACK POINTER: POINTER USED IN HUNTING BUXOM WOMEN.
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SYMBOL: LOUD PERCUSSION INSTRUMENT.
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TAPE: SOMETIMES USED TO CHAIN PROGRAMMERS.
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TAPE DRIVE: DEVICE BEST KNOWN FOR ITS ABILITY TO HAVE LUNCH IN THE MIDDLE
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OF READING THE ONLY COPY OF A SOURCE TAPE.
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TERMINAL: CONDITION PROGRAMMER REACHES JUST BEFORE A POST MORTEM DUMP IS
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REQUIRED.
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TEXT EDITOR: EMPLOYEE OF THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER.
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TRAPEZOIDAL RULE: COUNTRY RULED ENTIRELY BY TRAPEZOIDS.
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UNDERFLOW: SYMPTOM OF AN IMPOTENT PROGRAMMER.
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VARIABLE: BISEXUAL PROGRAMMER.
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WATFOR: STATEMENT FREQUENTLY UTTERED BY COMPUTER SCIENCE STUDENTS.
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[END]
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