115 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
115 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
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How to work in television.
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-Or-
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Hand me that piano.
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by
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The Great Crumal
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Uploaded to The Fifth Precinct...[502] 245-8270...By Richard Lindop/SKG
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Television is a strange medium. (Actually television is a small, but that's a
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different story.) Many people complain about the program content. But if they
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only knew what went on behind the scenes, they would probably die of shock. You
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typical television employee is highly educated and just this far off his/her
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rocker. So here are some tips on what to do if you want to fit in.
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1.) Show up for work at least half an hour early. (Let's say this is 8:30 AM)
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Basically, this time is used for the "ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT". This is your last
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chance at sanity a chance to chicken out and go home. This is also a good time
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to drink mass quantities of cafine, the most widely used drug in television.
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Most stations are run on cafine. Next, read the funnies in the lousy paper that
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is mistakenly thrown on your doorstep. If you don't get the paper delievered,
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go next door and STEAL IT! It is vitally important that you have a newspaper
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later in the day!
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2.) Play time! It's 9:00 AM and your air-shift starts! Run right in there
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and go to it! Check your EBS reciever. Check all the machines. Sign the
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program and transmitter logs. Make sure that you are in fact on the air, and
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then.....SLEEP. That's right, sleep. Because the guy ahead of you is so slow
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that he will take up 15 minutes of your time that finish HIS work.
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3.) 9:05 Am. Someone from the traffic department will come in to take
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yesterday's log. This is a good time to ask embarrasing questions about their
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mundain sex life. (This will also make them leave that much faster, leaving you
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free to do more important things, like SLEEPING.)
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4.) By 9:30 AM you should have total control of the station. (Yes, they're at
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your mercey!) By 10:00 AM you have set up programing and comercials up to 3:00
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PM which means you have very little to do so...leave the control room and roam
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the station in search of the meaning of life. flirt with the receptionist. Bug
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the production manager. Tell the production assistant that he is a major geek.
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This will take you up to about 10:45 AM at witch time you will probably have a
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major phone call on your BATPHONE (Red hotline direct to you that is ALWAYS the
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station owner calling you to tell you that he thinks you are an asshole.) Always
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answer the batphone greeting the station owner by his first name. "Hello,
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Jimmy!" This will startle the owner. "How did you know it was me?" In fact he
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will be so confused that he will end this call very quickly, and leave you
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alone.
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5.) 11:30 AM Time to bullshit with the engineer you gave a copy of TAIPAN to.
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He'll walk in and you'll say, "Good Morning, Pete."
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"Who the fuck says so?"
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"Are we grumpy today?"
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"I'm gonna kill you!"
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"Something wrong?"
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"That fucking disk you gave me kep me up ALL NIGHT!"
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Then he'll tell you what a great score he got, and you'll wish you hadn't
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given it to him.
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6.) 12:00 PM Lunch. The social event of the day. One of the best things to
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do is to take your lunch into someone else's office and make a huge mess. They
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won't do anything about it because people who work on air, and allowed to do
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anything as long as the air looks good.
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7.) 1:30 PM Contest time! You have to find someone to answer the phones while
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this happens. So you page the entire building. "Denise, there's a very
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important call for you in the men's room!" Repeat this a few times and poor
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Denise, (Of course she is the one that has every guys hormones working
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overtime.) will run in and tell you to shut up and volenteer to answer the
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phone.
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8.) The afternoon is usually boring so make long distance phone calls using
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other pepople sprint codes. (Air doesn't have a code, it's hard wired in for
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ease, and air also has no restrictions on long distance because you have to call
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the networks a lot.) If you use your own code, it's not nearly as fun as using
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the production assistant's code. (Production assistant, SLAVE of everyone, he
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doesn't do anything right and can be blamed for anything.)
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Call all the networks and ask how they are. Are there any job openings? Then
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call seattle. If you brought your computer, you call some AE lines that aren't
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local. (never run up your OWN phone bill.)
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9.) 4:00 PM it's getting close to quiting time, so start getting thinks ready
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for the next person. At 5:02 you want to be out of the building, not like the
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geek you releived at 9 who took half an hour and still didn't remember
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everything. Four PM is also great because MISSION IMPOSSIBLE is on. If you
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have already scene this episode you can read the ANARCHY INC. files you got
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last night. (If you're gonna read files, read the best.)
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9.) 5:00 PM. The death come back to life! You start the next show. sign off
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both logs, up date the commercial machine. give a status report to next next
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guy, and then...IT'S MILLER TIME!
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That's a basic day in television. Some day's differ of course. It is
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strongly recomemded that you consume mass amounts of pain killers during a
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shift. You can also get people off your case if you only talk in pig-latin to
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them.
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I don't guarnatee this will help, but it can't hurt. Just remember, everyone
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else in the station is just a crazy, that's why they are there!
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Though up during a major hang over by The Great Crumal (Interdimensionally)
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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