204 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
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Extract from "The Way It Is" - Warner/Davis
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Computer
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The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know
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Response Time
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Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months.
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The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time
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Hardware
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See "Computer" Again, not your concern
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Software
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If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it; otherwise, leave us
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alone
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Network
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Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among
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your halfwit selves, and don't think we don't read it all. What do you
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think we do all day? By the way, Butterman... shame about your mother's
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pancreas
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Data The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,
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delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the
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computer (See "Response Time")
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System Crash
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Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is
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down. Don't call him to ask when it will be up again. The more you
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bother him, the longer it takes
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Downtime
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Like I said, don't ask
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Uptime Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face
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Overtime
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Don't be ridiculous
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Vacation
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A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't
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try calling, there's no point
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Computer Room
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Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door - don't even
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think about it. I broke the phone the last time one of you jerks
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called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy
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fingers off the windows.
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My Office
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The name says it all... it's mine; stay out
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Your Problems
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Not my concern
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Deadlines
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The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not
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my responsibility. Go tell somebody who cares.
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Maintenance
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A. A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time
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B. Much more important than anything any of you bozos do
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C. Anything I choose to call maintenance
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Software Upgrades
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Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm Upgrading the
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System, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it
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does mean extensive downtime during peak hours
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Electronic Mail
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I delete it before reading it, so don't bother sending any to me
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Defaults
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We like them just the way they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't
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mess with them, consider them mandatory
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Error Messages
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I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them
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to yourself
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Killing your Process
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A. Don't ever ask why
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B. Beyond your control
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C. No warnings given
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D. The highlight of my day
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E. If you call it's going to happen. No exceptions
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Passwords
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I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose
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them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be. (Eg
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BUTTERMAN: SNOTFACE)
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Users A. They slow down the computer
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B. They waste my time
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C. A general nuisance
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D. Worse than that, actually
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Software Modifications
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You don't know what you want - we'll tell you what you want. It stays
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like it is. Period
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Privileges
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I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said
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Priority
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Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run
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faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")
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Terminals
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Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
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A. Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
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B. Do you really want your process killed?
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C. Did you just trip over the cord again?
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D. Of course you did
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Disk Space
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I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check
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"Data Files"
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Operator
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I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually
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armed; always dangerous
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Backups
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A. A good idea
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B. If I gave a sh*t
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C. Which of course I don't
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Lunch
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The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your
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process
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Data Security
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That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it.
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My files are locked up tight. I feel secure
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Jiffy The length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your
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process
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Eternity
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Length of time it takes to give a sh*t about any problem that can't be
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resolved by killing your process
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Impossible
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A. It can't be done (as far as you know)
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B. I can't be bothered
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C. You're starting to annoy me
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Inevitable
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A. Couldn't have been avoided
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B. Not my fault (as far as you know)
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C. The result of annoying me
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Menus
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If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it
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is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're
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working on it. (See "Eternity")
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Utilities
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I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides,
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they're not on your menu, are they? What did I tell you about that?
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Nuisance
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You
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Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above
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list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling
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you
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Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If
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you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself.
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If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask some-
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one else.
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Sincerely,
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System Manager
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P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday.
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Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts. (This means
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you Butterman!)
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--
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-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
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This signature was created using RoboSig, the errorfree sigmaker.
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Simon Travaglia, spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz, Uni of Waikato, P B, Hamilton, NZ
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Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author
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and have no bearing his work or employers (but his teddy agrees with him)
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Law of Fashion:
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The same dress is:
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indecent 10 years before its time
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daring 1 year before its time
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chic in its time
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dowdy 3 years after its time
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hideous 20 years after its time
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amusing 30 years after its time
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romantic 100 years after its time
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beautiful 150 years after its time
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-- James Laver
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