147 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
147 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
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1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
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2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
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3. Twitch a lot.
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4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
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5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
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them.
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6. Become a subgenius.
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7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
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8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
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your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
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9. Speak in tongues.
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10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually
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work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
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ceiling.
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11. Walk and talk backwards.
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12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
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middle of your room. Number them.
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13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
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roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
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than meets the eye."
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14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
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Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
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15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
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kazoo. If your roommate complains, expla that it is for your performance
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art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
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16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
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17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
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18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn itff
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when you are.
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19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
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weeks."
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20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
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masturbate while reading them.
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21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
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pretend nothing happened.
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22. Eat glass.
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23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
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24. Smile. All the time.
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25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
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think the dog ate.
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26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
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27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
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When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it
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If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/h
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reimburse you.
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28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
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grievances.
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29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
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30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
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then look away quickly.
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31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
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32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
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33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
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34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her
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of stealing it.
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35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due)
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36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
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37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
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Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
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three weeks.
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38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse
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to discuss them.
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39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
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40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
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"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
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41. Shave one eyebrow.
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42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there.
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43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
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44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
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that you can never find the book that you want.
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45. Always flush the toilet three times.
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46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
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47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
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least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
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assignment for your primitive cultures class.
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48. Give him/her an allowance.
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49. Listen to radio static.
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50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
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as soon as you wake up.
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
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The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
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The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
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Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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