144 lines
6.1 KiB
Batchfile
144 lines
6.1 KiB
Batchfile
Article 73 of eunet.jokes:
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Path: puukko!santra!tut!enea!mcvax!ukc!dcl-cs!nott-cs!jpo
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From: jpo@cs.nott.ac.uk (Julian Onions)
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Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
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Subject: Batman up to date...
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Message-ID: <717@robin.cs.nott.ac.uk>
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Date: 14 Mar 88 10:07:47 GMT
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Reply-To: jpo@cs.nott.ac.uk (Julian Onions)
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Organization: Computer Science, Nottingham Univ., UK.
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Lines: 130
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Well I liked it ...
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-------------------------------------------------------
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Holy Time-Warp Batman
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by Nick Broom (Punch)
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(Wayne manor, Batman and Robin have just returned from the snooker hall)
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Robin: Look, Batman! There's a message on the Fax from the
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Commissioner!
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Batman: What does it say?
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Robin: It says, "Hi, Batman. Batgirl is being held captive at the
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Gotham Rubber Company. Please hurry there. Nice one
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Commissioner."
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Batman: At once to the Batcave.
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(Our heroes go to the Batcave below stately Wayne Manor and prepare for
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theier rescue mission)
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Batman: Ready? To the Batporsche, Dean!
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Robin: Why do you keep calling me Dean? me name's Robin.
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Batman: No one's called Robin nowadays. Dean's much more Eighties.
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Robin: (Sulkily) No one's called Batman.
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Batman: Don't be facetious, Dean. Look in my Filofax for the address
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of the Gotham Rubber Company, and then let's make tracks.
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Robin: Right, well, it's on Stallone Street, just behind the Nuthouse
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Vegetarian Resteraunt.
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Batman: Oh, yes, I know it well. Speaking as a vegetarian, I'd say
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it's the only decent place I've found to eat out. Okay, let's
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go.
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Robin: But wait, you've forgotten the warning to the kids!
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Batman: Oh, quickly then. (Camera closes in on Batman's face) "Boys
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and Girls, I cannot do without using a condom. Don't think I
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can and don't think you can. Have a nice day." Right, that's
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that done. Let's hit the road.
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(Batman and Dean roar out of the Batcave and head for the Gotham
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Rubber Company)
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Batman: How about some Batmusic, Dean?
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Robin: Okay. (Sings) Na na na na ...
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Batman: I mean turn on the Compact Disc player.
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Robin: Sorry. (Turns on the CD) Na na na na, Batman! Na na...
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Batman: That's better. You know ....
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(Cellular phone rings. Dean answers. Heavy breathing on the other end
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of the line)
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Robin: We know it's you, Joker. Why don't you go and play your
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stupid pranks some place else? (Line goes dead) That guy sure
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is... Holy Catlitter! There's Catwoman breaking into that
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jeweller's!
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(The Batporsche screeches to a halt)
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Batman: Hold it right there, Catwoman!
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Catwoman: Ah, Batman. Still haven't got a proper job?
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Batman: Okay, Catwoman, let's have you out of that catsuit.
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Catwoman: But, Batman, you weren't like this in the Sixties. I thought
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you preferred Robin.
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Batman: I do, but people want more sex in 1989, and since
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homosexuality is a TV audience turn-off, that leaves you.
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Robin: But, Batman, we must hurry - Batgirl's in dire straits.
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Batman: Oh, all right, then. Come on.
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(They rush out to the Batporsche)
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Robin: Oh, no, we've been clamped!
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Batman: This must be the work of the Penguin. Look, there he is!
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Robin: That can't be him, he's wearing Levi 501's and a designer
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shirt.
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Batman: Thats him all right. Stop right there Penguin!
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Penguin: Hello, Batman. You recognised me after all these years, and
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in my new gear. Well done.
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Batman: Penguin, the wrapper may have changed but what's inside is
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just as evil as before.
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Penguin: Well, I must say that Raybans and a beret do more for you
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than that ridiculous hood you use to wear.
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Batman: Unclamp our car, Penguin.
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Penguin: No way, Batman. Wait for hours like everybody else.
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Batman: There's no time for that. Com on, Dean, let's run.
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Robin: But Batman, it's still a long way.
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Batman: Don't worry, Dean, I'm wearing my Gucci loafers. Jump on my
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back and I'll carry you.
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(Batman and Dean run off to the Gotham Rubber Company. When they
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arrive, they try the video entry-phone, but when no one answers, they
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break in.)
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Robin: Holy incomprehensible! The floor's marked out into six
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enormous coloured segments!
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Batman: I thought as much. This is the trademark of the Trivial
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Pursuiter!
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Robin: The who?
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Batman: The Trivial Pursuiter, none other than the Riddler of old!
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T.Pursuiter: Correct, Batman. Long time no see. Hey, like the boxer
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shorts, Robin.
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Batman: We want Batgirl, Trivial Pursuiter.
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T.Pursuiter: Not so fast, Batman. First you must answer some
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questions. What do you want: Geography, Science and Nature,
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Entertainment...?
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Batman: Where is she?
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T.Pursuiter: Ah, Geography. What is the largest lake in ...?
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Batman: Cut it out, Trivial Pursuiter. What have you done with
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Batgirl?
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T.Pursuiter: Now you want History! Who was the tallest US president?
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Robin: Abraham Lincoln.
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T.Pursuiter: Good. Now what category?
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Robin: Er, how about Entertainment?
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Batman: Dean, wake up, he's using the questions to mesmerise you. Take
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this Anti-Trivial Pursuit Batpill which I happen to have on
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me!
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(Dean takes the Batpill and immediately recovers)
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Batman: Thats better. Right Dean, let's go and find Batgirl.
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T.Pursuiter: No, you don't! (He blocks their path)
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Robin: Take that, Trivial Pursuiter!
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BONK!
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Batman: Wait, wait, we can't have BONK! any more. It's too rude.
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Robin: But I thought we needed more sex and violence in the show.
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Batman: BONK! is sex and violence. We can't have both, at least not at
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the same time.
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Robin: Okay.
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FUNK!! (Dean hits the Trivial Pursuiter, who falls, beaten)
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Batman: Hey, like it, Dean! Give me five!
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T.Pursuiter: very well, you win, Batman. She's through there.
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(Batman and Dean go through to another room, where they find Batgirl
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staring vacantly into the bubbling waters of a Jacuzzi)
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Robin: She's in a trance.
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Batman: Yes, the Trivial Pursuiter was gradually boring her to death
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with his dull questions. I'll just give her an Anti-Trivial
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Pursuit Batpill.
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(Batgirl swiftly comes round)
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Batgirl: Ah, Batperson., at last. What took you so long?
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Batman: What's the "Batperson" thing, Batgirl?
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Batgirl: Batperson, please Batperson.
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Batman: You mean we're both called Batperson?
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Batgirl: This is the Eighties, Batperson.
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Batman: But that makes us sound equal. That's no good. You know,
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things were much better in the Sixties...
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(Batman drones on. Fade)
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--
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Julian Onions
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