textfiles/humor/nuke.hum

PART I
MAKING YOUR BOMB
================

  Making and owning an H-bomb is the kind of challenge real Americans seek.
Who wants to be a passive victim of nuclear war when with a little effort you
can be an active participant?  Bomb shelters are for losers.  Who wants to
huddle together underground eating canned Spam?  Winners want to push the
button themselves.  Making your own H-bomb is a big step in nuclear
assertiveness training - it's called Taking Charge.  We're sure you'll enjoy
the risks and the heady thrill of playing nuclear chicken.

INTRODUCTION

  When the feds clamped down on The Progressive magazine for attemptng to
publish an article on the manufacture of the hydrogen bomb It piqued our
curiosity.  Was it really true that atomic and hydrogen bomb technology was so
simple you could build an H-bomb in your own kitchen?  Seven Days decided to
find out.  Food editor Barbara Ehrenreich, investigative reporter Peter
Biskind, Photographer Jane Melnick and nuclear scientist Michio Kaku were given
three days to cook up a workable H-bomb.  They did and we have decided to share
their culinary secrets with you.  Not that Seven Days supports nuclear
terrorism.  We don't.  We would prefer to die slowly from familiar poisons like
low-level radiation, microwaves, DDT, DBCP, aflatoxins, PBBs, PBCs, or food
dyes, rather than unexpectedly, say as hostage to a Latvian nationalist
brandishing a homemade bomb.  In our view the real terrorists are the
governments, American, Soviet, French, Chinese, and British, that are hoarding
H-bombs for their own use, and worse still, those governments (U.S., French and
German) that are eagerly peddling advanced nuclear technology to countries like
South Africa, Brazil, and Argentina so that they can make their own bombs.
When these bombs are used, and they will be, it will be the world's big-time
nuclear peddlers, along with corporate suppliers like General Electric,
Westinghouse, and Gulf Oil, that we can thank for it.  Gagging The Progressive
will do no more for national security than backyard bomb shelters because like
it or not the news is out.  The heart of the successful H-bomb is the
successful A-bomb.  Once you've got your A-bombs made the rest if frosting on
the cake.  All you have to do is set them up so that when they detonate they'll
start off a hydrogen-fusion reaction.


1.GETTING THE INGREDIENTS

  Uranium is the basic ingredient of the A-bomb.  When a uranium atom's nucleus
splits apart it releases a tremendous amount of energy (for its size).  And it
emits neutrons which go on to split other nearby uranium nuclei, releasing more
energy, in what is called a 'chain reaction'.  (When atoms split matter is
converted into energy according to Einstein's equation E=mc2.  What better way
to mark his centennial than with your own atomic fireworks?) There are two
kinds (isotopes) of uranium, the rare U-235, used in bombs, and the more
common, heavier, but useless U-238.  Natural uranium contains less than 1
percent U-235 and in order to be usable in bombs it has to be 'enriched' to 90
percent U-235 and only 10 percent U-238.  Plutonium-239 can also be used in
bombs as a substitute for U-235.  Ten pounds of U-235 (or slightly less
plutonium) is all that is necessary for a bomb.  Less than ten pounds won't
give you a critical mass.  So purifying or enriching naturally occuring uranium
is likely to be your first big hurdle.  It is infinitely easy to steal
ready-to-use enriched uranium or plutonium than to enrich some yourself.  And
stealing uranium is not as hard as it sounds.  There are at least three sources
of enriched uranium or plutonium.  Enriched uranium is manufactured at a
gaseous diffusion plant in Portsmouth Ohio.  From there it is shipped in 10
liter bottles by airplane and trucks to conversion plants that turn it into
uranium oxide or uranium metal.  Each 10 liter bottle contains 7 kilograms of
U-235, and there are 20 bottles to a typical shipment.  Conversion facilities
exist at Hematite, Missouri, Apollo, Pennsylvania, and Erwin, Tennessee.  The
Kerr-McGee plant at Crescent Oklahoma, where Karen Silkwood worked, was a
conversion plant that 'lost' 40 lbs of plutonium.  Enriched uranium can be
stolen from these plants or from fuel-fabricating plants like those in New
Haven, San Diego, or Lynchburg, Virginia.  (A former Kerr-McGee supervisor,
James V.  Smith, when asked at the Silkwood trial if there were any security
precautions at the plant to prevent theft, testified that 'There were none of
any kind, no guards, no fences, no nothing.') Plutonium can be obtained from
places like United Nuclear in Pawling, New York, Nuclear Fuel Services in
Erwin, Tennessee, General Elecric in Pleasanton, California, Westinghouse in
Cheswick, Pennsylvania, Nuclear Materials and Equipment Corporation (NUMEC) in
Leechburg, Pennsylvania, and plants in Hanfford, Washington and Morris,
Illinois.  According to Rolling Stone magazine the Isrealis were involved in
the theft of plutonium from NUMEC.  Finally you can steal enriched uranium or
plutonium while it's en-route from conversion plants to fuel, fabricating
plants.  It is usually transported (by air or truck) in the form of uranium
oxide, a brownish powder resembling instant coffee, or as a metal, coming in
small chunks called 'broken buttons.' Both forms are shipped in small cans
stacked in 5-inch cylinders braced with welded struts in the center of ordinary
55,gallon steel drums.  The drums weigh about 100 pounds and are clearly marked
'Fissible Material' or 'Danger, Plutonium.' A typical shipment might go from
the enrichment plant at Portsmouth, Ohio to the conversion plant in Hematite
Missouri then to Kansas City by truck where it would be flown to Los Angeles
and then trucked down to the General Atomic plant in San Diego.  The plans for
the General Atomic plant are on file at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission's
reading room at 1717 H Street NW Washington.  A Xerox machine is provided for
the convenience of the public.  If you can't get hold of any enriched uranium
you'll have to settle for commercial grade(20 percent U-235).  This can be
stolen from university reactors of a type called TRIGA Mark II, where security
is even more casual than at commercial plants.  If stealing uranium seems too
tacky you can buy it.  Unenriched uranium is available at any chemical supply
house for $23 a pound.  Commercial,grade (3 to 20 percent enriched) is
available for $40 a pound from Gulf Atomic.  You'll have to enrich it further
yourself.  Quite frankly this can be something of a pain in the ass.  You'll
need to start with a little more than 50 pounds of commercial-grade uranium
(it's only 20 percent U-235 at best, and you need 10 pounds of U-235 so...).
But with a little kitchen,table chemistry you'll be able to convert the solid
uranium oxide you've purchased into a liquid form.  Once you've done that
You'll be able to seperate the U-235 you'll need from the U-238.  First pour a
few gallons of concentrated hydroflouric acid into your uranium oxide,
converting it to uranium tetraflouride.  (Safety note:  Concentrated
hydroflouric acid is so corrosive that it will eat its way through glass, so
store it only in plastic.  Used 2-gallon plastic milk containers will do.) Now
you have to convert your uranium tetraflouride to uranium hexaflouride, the
gaseous form of uranium, which is convenient for seperating out the isotope
U-235 from U-238.  To get the hexaflouride form bubble flourine gas into your
con, tainer of uranium tetraflouride.  Flourine is available in pressurized
tanks from chemical-supply firms.  Be careful how you use it though because
flourine is several times more deadly than chlorine, the classic World War I
poison gas.  Chemists reccomend that you carry out this step under a stove hood
(the kind used to remove unpleasant cooking odors).  If you've done you're
chemistry right you should now have a generous supply of uranium hexaflouride
ready for enriching.  In the old horse-and-buggy days of A-bomb manufacture the
enrichment was carried out by passing the uranium hexaflouride through hundreds
of miles of pipes, tubes, and membranes, until the U-235 was event ually
seperated from the U-238.  This gaseous-diffusion process, as it was called is
difficult, time-consuming, and expensive.  Gaseous-diffusion plants cover
hundreds of acres and cost in the neighborhood of $2-billion each.  So forget
it.  There are easier and cheaper ways to enrich your uranium.  First transform
the gas into a liquid by subjecting it to pressure.  You can use a bicycle pump
for this.  Then make a simple home centerfuge, Fill a standard-size bucket
one-quarter full of liquid uranium hexa, flouride.  Attach a six-foot rope to
the bucket handle.  Now swing the rope (and attached bucket) around your head
as fast as possible.  Keep this up for about 45 minutes.  Slow down gradually,
and very gently put the bucket on the floor.  The U-235, which is lighter, will
have risen to the top, where it can be skimmed off like cream.  Repeat this
step until you have the required 10 pounds of uranium.  (Safety note, Don't put
all your enriched uranium hexaflouride in one bucket.  Use at least two or
three buckets and keep them in separate corners of the room.  This will prevent
the premature build-up of a critical mass.) Now it's time to convert your
enriched uranium back to metal form.  This is easily enough accomplished by
spooning several ladlefuls of calcium (available in tablet form from your
drugstore) into each bucket of uranium.  The calcium will react with the
uranium hexafloride to produce calcium flouride, a colorless salt which can be
easily be separated from your pure enriched uranium metal.

  A few precautions, Uranium is not dangerously radioactive in the amounts
you'll be handling.  If you plan to make more than one bomb it might be wise to
wear gloves and a lead apron, the kind you can buy in dental supply stores.
Plutonium is one of the most toxic substances known.  If inhaled a thousandth
of a gram can cause massive fibrosis of the lungs, a painful way to go.  Even a
millionth of a gram in the lungs will cause cancer.  If eaten plutonium is
metabolized like calcium.  It goes straight to the bones where it gives out
alpha particles preventing bone marrow from manufacturing red blood cells.  The
best way to avoid inhaling plutonium is to hold your breath while handling it.
If this is too difficult wear a mask.  To avoid ingesting plutonium orally
follow this simple rule, Never make an A-bomb on an empty stomach.  If you find
yourself dozing off while you're working or if you begin to glow in the dark,
it might be wise to take a blood count.  Prick your finger with a sterile pin,
place a drop of blood on a microscope slide, cover it with a cover slip, and
examine under a microscope (a low power kid's microscope should do).  If you
count much over 0.3 percent white cells, call a doctor.

2.STUFFING YOUR A-BOMB

  You will now have three or four bowls of uranium metal.  Keep the bowls
covered, you don't want your silvery white uranium to tarnish.  Now take about
five pounds of the uranium and pack it into a hemispheric steel bowl (a
stainless-steel salad bowl should do).  Uranium is malleable, like gold, so you
should have no trouble hammering it into the bowl to get a good fit.  Take
another five-pound hunk of uranium and fit it into a second stainless steel
bowl.  These two bowls of U-235 are the 'subcritical masses' which when brought
together forcefully will provide the critical mass that makes your A-bomb go.
Keep them a respectful distance apart while working because you don't want them
to 'go critical' on you...at least not yet.  Now hollow out the body of an old
vacuum cleaner and place your two hemispherical bowls inside, open ends facing
each other, no less than seven inches apart, using masking tape to set them up
in position.  The reason for the steel bowls and the vacuum cleaner, in case
your wondering, is that these help reflect the neutrons back into the uranium
for a more efficient explosion.  'A loose neutron is a useless neutron' as the
A-bomb pioneers used to say.  As far as the A-bomb goes you're almost done.
The final problem is to figure out how to get the two U-235 hemispheres to
smash into each other with sufficient force to set off a truly effective
fission reaction.  Almost any type of explosive can be used to drive them
together.  Gunpowder, for example, is easily made at home from potassium
nitrate, sulpher, and carbon.  Or you can get some blasting caps or TNT, buy
them or steal them from a construction site.  Best of all is C4 plastic
explosive.  You can mold it around your bowls and it's fairly safe to work with
(but it might be wise to shape it around an extra salad bowl in another room
and then fit it to your stainless steel bowls).  Once the explosives are in
place all you need to do is hook up a simple detonation device with a few
batteries, a switch, and some wire.  Remember though that it is essential that
the two charges, one on each side of the casing, go off at once.  Now put the
whole thing in the casing of an old Hoover vacuum cleaner and your finished
with this part of the process.  The rest is easy.

  A word to the wise about wastes, After your A-bomb is completed you'll have a
pile of moderately fatal radioactive wastes like U-238.  These are not
dangerous, but you do have to get rid of them.  You can flush leftovers down
the toilet ((don't worry about polluting the ocean, there is already so much
radioactive waste there, a few more bucketfuls won't make waves), or if your
the fastidious type, the kind who never leaves gum under their seat at the
movies, you can seal the nasty stuff in coffee cans and bury it in the
backyard, just like Uncle Sam does.  If the neighbors' kids have a habit of
trampling the lawn, tell them to play over by the waste.  You'll soon find that
they're spending most of their time in bed.

  Going first class, If you're like us, you're feeling the economic pinch, and
you'll want to make your bonmb as inexpensively as possible, consonant of
course with reasonable yield.  The recipe we've given is for a budget, pleasing
H-bomb, no frills, no flourishes, just you basic 5-megaton bomb, capable of
wiping out the New York metropolitan area, the Bay area, or Boston.  But don't
forget, your H-bomb will only be as good as the A-bombs in it.  If you want to
spend a little more money you can punch-up you A-bomb considerably.  Instead of
centerfuging your uranium by hand, you can buy a commercial centerfuge (Fisher
Scientific sells one for about $1000).  You also might want to be fussier about
your design.  The Hiroshima bomb, a relatively crude one, only fissioned 1
percent of it's uranium and yielded only 13 kilotons.  In order to fission more
of the uranium, the force of your explosive 'trigger' has got to be evenly
diffused around the sphere, the same pressure has to be exerted on every point
of the sphere simultaneously.  (It was a technique for producing this sort of
simultaneous detonation by fashioning the explosives into lenses that the
government accused Julius and Ethel Rosenberg of trying to steal).

  3 .MAKE THREE MORE A-BOMBS FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONS ABOVE



PART II
PUTTING YOUR H-BOMB TOGETHER
============================

  The heart of the H-bomb is the fusion process.  Several A-bombs are detonated
in such a way as to create the extremely high temperature (100 million degrees
C) necessary to fuse lithium deuteride (LiD) into helium.  When the lithium
nucleus slams into the deuterium nucleus, two helium nuclei are created, and if
this happens to enough deuterium nuclei rapidly enough the result is an
enormous amount of energy, the energy of the H-bomb.  And you don't have to
worry about stealing lithium deuteride, it can be purchased from any
chemical-supply house.  It costs $1000 a pound.  If your budget won't allow it
you can substitute lithium hydride at $40 a pound.  You will need at least 100
pounds, It's a corrosive and toxic powder so be careful.  Place the lithium
deuteride or hydride in glass jars and surround it with four A-bombs in their
casings.  Attach one to the same detonator so that they will go off
simultaneously.  The container for the whole thing is no problem.  They can be
placed anywhere (inside an old stereo console, a discarded refrigerator, etc.).
When the detonator sets off the four A-bombs all eight hemispheres of
fissionable material will slam into each other at the same time creating four
critical masses and four detonations.  This will raise te temperature of the
lithium deuteride to 100 million degrees C fast enough (a few billionths of a
second) so that the lithium will not be blown all over the neighborhood before
the nuclei have time to fuse.  The result, at least 1000 times the punch of the
puny A-bomb that leveled Hiroshima (20 million tons of TNT vs.  20 thousand
tons.)


PART III
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BOMB
=========================

  Now that you have a fully assembled H-bomb housed in an atractive console of
your choice you may be wondering, What should I do with it?  Every family will
have to answer this question according to its own tastes and preferences but
you may want to explore some possibilities which have been successfully
pioneered by the American government.

  1.SELL YOUR BOMB AND MAKE A PILE OF MONEY

  In these days of rising inflation, rising unemployment, and an uncertain
economic outlook, few businesses make as much sense as weapons production.  If
your career forcast is cloudy, bomb sales may be the only sure way to avoid the
humiliation of receiving welefare or unemployment.  At any income level a home
H-bomb business can be an invaluable income supplement, and certainly a
profitable alternative to selling Tupperware or pirated Girl Scout cookies.
Unfortunately for the family bomb business, big government has already cornered
a large part of the world market.  But this does not mean that there is a
shortage of potential customers.  The raid on Entebee was the Waterloo of
hijacking, and many nationalist groups are now on the alert for new means to
get their message across.  They'd jump at the chance to get hold of an H-bomb.
Emerging nations that can't ante up enough rice or sugar to buy themselves a
reactor from G.E.  or Westinghouse are also shopping around.  You may wonder
about the ethics of selling to nations or groups whose goal you disapprove of.
But here again take a tip from our government, forget ideology It's cash that
counts.  And remember, H-bomb sales have a way of escalating, almost like a
chain reaction.  Suppose you make a sale to South Yemen which you believe to be
a Soviet puppet.  Well within a few days some discrete inquiries from North
Yemen and possibly the Saudis, the Egyptians and the Ethiopians as well can be
expected.  Similarly, a sale to the IRA will generate a sale to the Ulster
government, a sale to the Tanzanians will bring the Ugandans running and so
forth.  It doesn't matter which side your on, only how many sides there are.
Don't forget about the possibility of repeat sales to the same customer.  As
the experience of the U.S and the U.S.S.R.  has shown, each individual nation
has a potentially infinite need for H-bombs.  No customer, no matter how small,
can ever have too many.

2.USE YOUR BOMB AT HOME

  Many families are attracted to the H-bomb simply as a 'deterrent'.  A
discrete sticker on the door or on the living room window saying 'This Home
Protected by H-bomb' will discourage IRS investigators, census takers, and
Jehovah's Witnesses.  You'll be suprised how fast the crime rate will go down
and property values will go up.  And once the news gets out that you are a home
H-bomb owner you'll find that you have unexpected leverage in neighborhood
disputes over everything from parking places and stereo noise levels to school
tax rates.  So relax and enjoy the pride and excitement of home H-bomb
ownership!

IS IT FOR YOU?

  Let's be honest.  The H-bomb isn't for everyone.  Frankly there are people
who can't handle it.  They break out in hives at the very mention of
mega-deaths, fallout, radiation sickness.

  The following quiz will help you find out whether you have what it takes for
home H-bomb ownership.  If you can answer 'yes' to six or more of these
questions, then your emotionally eligible to join the nuclear club.  If not, a
more conventional weapon may be more your cup of tea, try botulism-toxin, laser
rays, or nerve gas.

  1.  I ignore the demands of others.

  2.  I subscribe to one or more of the following: Soldier of Fortune, Hustler,
      Popular Mechanics, Self.

  3.  Though I have many interesting acquaintances, I am my own best friend.

  4.  I know what to say after you say 'Hello', but I am seldom interested in
      pursuing the conversation.

  5.  I have seen the movie 'The Deer Hunter' more than once.

  6.  I know that everone can be a winner if they want to, and I resent
      whiners.

  7.  I own one or more of the following:  handgun, video game, trash
      compactor, snowmobile.

  8.  I am convinced that leukemia is psychosomatic.

  9.  I am aware that most vegetarians are sexually impotent.

  10.  I have read evidence that solar energy is a Communist conspiracy.


  MYTHS ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR

  Ever since the first mushroom cloud over Hiroshima ushered in the atomic age
a small group of nay-sayers and doom-mongers has lobbied, campaigned and
demonstrated to convince Americans that H-bomb ownership, along with nuclear
power is dangerous and unhealthy.  Using their virtual stranglehold over the
media these people have tried to discredit everything nuclear from energy to
war.  They have vastly overrated the risks of nuclear bombs and left many
americans feeling demoralized and indecisive, not sure where the truth lies.
Well, here are the myths, and here are the facts.


  Myth: After a nuclear exchange the earth will no longer be suitable for
        human habitation.

  Fact:  This is completely false.  According to one scientist (quoted in John
         McPee's The Curve of Binding Energy)' The largest bomb that has ever
         been exploded anywhere was 60 megatons, and that is one-thousandth the
         force of an earthquake, one-thousandth the force of a hurricane.  We
         have lived with earthquakes and hurricanes for a long time.' Another
         scientist adds, 'It is often assumed that a full blown nuclear war
         would be the end of life on earth.  That is far from the truth. To end
         life on earth would take at least a thousand times the total yield of
         all the nuclear explosives existing in the world, and probably alot
         more.' Even if humans succumbed, many forms of life would survive a
         nuclear free-for-all, cockroaches, certain forms of bacteria, &
         lichens.


  Myth:  Radiation is bad for you.

  Fact:  Everything is bad for you if you have too much of it.  If you eat too
         many bananas you'll get a stomach-ache.  If you get too much sun you
         can get sunburned (or even skin cancer).  Same thing with radiation.
         Too much may make you feel under the weather, but nuclear industry
         officials insist that there is no evidence that low-level radiation
         has any really serious adverse effects.  And, high-level radiation
         may bring unexpected benefits.  It speeds up evolution by weeding out
         unwanted genetic types and creating new ones.  (Remember the old
         saying, 'Two heads are better than one.') Nearer home it's plain that
         radiation will get rid of pesky crab grass and weeds, and teenagers
         will find that brief exposure to a nuclear burst vaporizes acne and
         other skin blemishes.  (Many survivors of the Hiroshima bomb found
         that they were free from skin and it's attendant problems forever.)

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