134 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
134 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
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THE IRRATIONAL INQUIRER - HEADLINES
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Our clone is possessed! New Jersey couple discovers awful truth in attic of
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Secaucus summer home. MS-DOS is tool of the devil!
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Israeli spy discovers secret pact. Big Blue to supply Kadaffi with unlimited
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PC's. Do we believe this? "I will launch IBM's unless if provoked!" PLO
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leader promises.
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Imelda yachts to West Coast Computer on shopping spree. Buys two copies of
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Lotus 1-2-3 and gives new meaning to "double-entry bookkeeping". Detained by
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Honolulu customs for taking big Risc, disguised as 17 cu. ft. frost-free
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refrigerator.
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Boy George goes Unix. Tours with Vienna Boys Choir. Donnie and Marie refuse to
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book him at Mormon Tabernacle.
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Goodbye, Mrs. Chips. Insulin attacks cookie Queen. Field gives upchocolate for
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64k memory chips. Will sell CP/M computers by the pound -- with or without
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nuts.
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Liz & Queen go head to head. Sotheby's in London reports that Liz Taylor has
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purchased the world's only mainframe tiara with 64,000K(arats) of memory.
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Taylor won't wear it until her next appearance on "General Hospital."
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Zealots attack Jews. Falwall and Farrakind accuse Moses of bringing only 10k
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down from Mt. Sinai. "What happened to the rest of it?" they charge.
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Nancy Reagan strains national debt with latest buy. Gucci warm boots rouse
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Green Peace. No fox for First Lady's feet, they stamp.
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"My ex-IBM came back from the dead and raped me." Divorcee details horrifying
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afterlife experience with help of Dr. Ruth.
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Ms-Dos undergoes sex change: Now Mr-Dos.
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H-P Gets the Da's: Soviets will launch LaserJets to match Reagan's Star Wars.
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Collins dynasty collapses. Jackie's new book, Hollywood Drives, nosedives on
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bestseller lists. "A HARD disk is good to find," snaps sister Joan. Send in
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the Clones, Judy sings.
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Mondale calls Reagan closed box. White House Press Secretary admits President
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operating with only 64k memory. Bethesda naval hospital doctors suggest adding
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expansion cards for the sake of national security.
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Street beat: Warren Beatty slips disk and goes floppy on Hollywood Blvd.
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Jackie-O hounded by peripheral paparazzi on Park Avenue.
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Memory-starved RAM butts user groupie to death. (New pix: sheep)
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Wall Street expects crash hit comedy from Marx Brothers: MS-DAS CAPITAL. (Pix:
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Scott & Dave with biegelpusses)
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Don't wait for Comdex! Order your Nautilus keyboard today! Aerobic 60 lb
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springs back up each key. Pound your way to bigger biceps. End ugly wrist fat
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forever. Bonus! Act now and get free set of finger weights to prevent keyboard
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burnout. Give him a knuckle sandwich for lunch. (Pix: lady body builder's arm)
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Lady Di reveals tragic secret. Prince has multimates. The palace had only this
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to say: How d-basing!
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Extraterrestial marries plotter in bizarre peripheral ritual.
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Megabyte diet brings Orson Wells back to life: cRAM chips nosh.
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MS-DOS cancer link uncovered. Doctors at Clone Kettering advise 8 bits is
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enough. 8 more can only pile up in liver and cause C-rosis.
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Kadoda Data. Carol Kadoda dismembered at IBM Product Center. Gruesome death
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suggests possible tie to serial port killer.
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Stonehenge: First CP/M computer? Geoffrey Smythe-Jones, age 6, from Sussex,
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England, turned over a stone at the primordial site to discover a message from
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the ancients: B-DOS error.
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IBM Junks Jr. Recent urinanalyses of programmers at their Boca Raton
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headquarters reveal startling new evidence. No drugs, but an abnormal degree of
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Twinkie and Frito particles were found surging through employee bloodstreams.
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Is ITT, bakery divison, Jr. Killer? Hostess calls it junkie excuse.
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KKK is guilty! Ole Miss coed spills her guts out. Has lived with the shame
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for 20 years. Kay "Jones" admits she's illegitimate love child of computer
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company kingpin and cosmetics queen. Will assume rightful name with hyphen:
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Kaye Kay-Kay.
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CP/M Abusers Guide gets the axe.
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Child silently mangled in Quietwriter tractor feed.
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Jerry Ford falls off Leading Edge in Palm Springs and slips discs. Rushed to
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Betty Ford Clinic to have his heads repaired.
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What to do when your mega-hertz...Doctor has startling suggestion: Easy DOS
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it.
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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The National Intruder is published once in a lifetime, thank god, Staff
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Writers: Daniel & Toni Will-Harris, and Ron Gold who are solely irresponsible
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for it's content.
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Copyright 1986 Daniel Harris
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