83 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
83 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
From: owner-humor
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To: Multiple recipients of list HUMOR
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Subject: Fegg: magic <sick humor>
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Date: Sunday, April 10, 1994 1:07AM
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From _Dr. Fegg's Encyclopedia of *All* World Knowledge_
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1974: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
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=== Article: Magic ===
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Here are some wonderful tricks, just as performed by The Great Feggo,
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during his twenty-minute season at the Golden Donkey Rooms, Macao in
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1934.
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THE DISAPPEARING GLASS
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Find a friend. It doesn't matter whether you like him or not; in fact,
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the more he's a cross-eyed, snivelling little git whom you despise, the
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better. Put the friend in a box. Stand on the box and jump up and down,
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with a great roaring sound. If he tries to get out, tread on his
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fingers. That'll teach him. You can tell him you go the name of the
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trick wrong.
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THE DISAPPEARING MATCHBOX
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This is a clever one! Get a matchbox. Take all the matches out of it,
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and then smash it up. If the person who owns the matchbox objects, hit
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him over the head with whatever you're using to smash up the matchbox.
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For a spectacular finale, you can use the matches to set light to his
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desk. (You'll need a spare matchbox for this.) Clever, isn't it?
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THE DISAPPEARING RABBIT
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This is roughly the same as THE DISAPPEARING MATCHBOX, but make sure
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you're not anywhere near a member of the RSPCA. In fact, it's really
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best not to show this trick to *anybody*.
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THE DISAPPEARING FRONT DOOR
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For this trick you're going to need a bazooka, a bicycle chain, a
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crowbar, a mallet, and plenty of bandages. Ask a friend if you can go
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around to his house. When he says no, hit him over the head with the
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mallet, and tie him up with the rope (sorry, I forgot to mention the
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rope). When he finally invites you round, you can use the crowbar to
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open up the nearest parked car, and, using the skeleton keys (oh, yes--
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you'll need some of them, too-- sorry), drive it round to his place.
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While he's phoning the police, you can use the wrench to force the lock
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on his front door, and then unscrew the hinges. (That's when you'll need
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the screwdriver. Forget about the bicycle chain-- sorry.) Put the door
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into the car, and push the lot over the nearest precipice. The bandages
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are in case you gash yourself on the jagged edges of the car door. Keep
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low for several weeks after this trick. Oh!... and don't forget to throw
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away the bazooka.
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FLAGS OF ALL NATIONS
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This isn't really a trick, but it's very useful to be able to do--
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especially if you've just done the last trick, for example. You need a
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set of flags of all nations that you can pull out of a hat on a single
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string. When you've bought one, you say to the policeman: "I'm going to
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take flags of all nations out of this hat on a single string!" (You'll
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also need a hat, of course.) And then you take out the flags of all
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nations on a single string out of the hat, shouting: "Hey! Flags of all
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nations!" and tie the policeman up with the string. At least this'll
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give you time to get away.
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SAWING THE LADY IN HALF
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I wouldn't recommend doing this trick near any populated areas. In fact,
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it should only be performed in total seclusion, and the more remote and
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inaccessible the region, the better. Try the Russian Steppes or the Ulan
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Bator plain. Some magicians say you should use mirrors for this trick,
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but I've never found them the slightest bit of help. What you need is a
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good sawing arm and not to be too squeamish.
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THE BOURNEMOUTH KILLING TRICK
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Dr. Fegg wishes to deny all knowledge of this trick. He was in far-off
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Hove at the time, and in any case his firearms license expired a long
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time ago and the knives belonged to his uncle and were nothing to do
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with him at all.
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