57 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
57 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
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T H E
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B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
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...Presents...
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How Ernie and Bert Came to Be
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You all know Ernie and Bert- they're those two puppet guys that live in an
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apartment on Sesame Street. You probably also have stayed up late at night
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breaking into a cold sweat because you couldn't figure out how they were
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related. Most people(besides those k-k00l dooooodz who say "who cares,they're
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puppets") say Oh, they are gay lovers. Well, maybe, but if so, why do they
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play with toys. Fine, they are immature gay lovers. No, because how do they
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pay the rent. They don't work, and don't own a car. Plus, they sleep in
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seperate beds. They can't be roommates cuz they are just kids or demented
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adults. Now that you are thoroughly confused, I will help you sort it out.
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First of all, Bert is Ernie's father. That's why they sleep in seperate
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beds. If you want, they can be gay and incestuous, but thats up to your sick
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little imagination. Anyway, Bert's wife was red. In case you don't remember
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bert is yellow and ernie is orange. Red and yellow make orange, hence ernie's
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color.
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Bert worked in a factory for several years before he came to sesame
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street(but why did he go to sesame street? - read on!) One day, Bert got just a
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little too close to that machine that crushes steel girders into pellets the
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size of a grain of salt. His head was smashed, and he was brain damaged. So
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severely that he regressed to the intelectual level of a small child-a child
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about ernie's age.
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When Bert's wife realized that Bert had become a moron, she divorced him
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and took everything they owned (except that little brat Ernie). Well, bert's
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lawyer found out and sued the wife for everything she had. Unfortunately Bert
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and Ernie couldn't live alone so they were put into a community for the
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mentally unwell. You got it- Sesame Street. They met Oscar, a wierd hairy man
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obsessed with garbage. Big Bird, a junkie and hallucinogen user who always
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thought he was being followed by a brown elephant-like thing called
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Snuffalopagulopaloopulagus. All the real people on sesame street are
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counselors for the deranged folks who live there. Why else would they be so
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bloody nice all the time? The real people kids are trucked in from nearby
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towns to act as a positive influence on the patients.
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Well, thats it. Years of research went into this, and it actually makes
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sense. Remember, this is only a theory!!! It has yet to be proven, but I'd
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like to see you find a flaw in it.
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________________________________________________________________________________
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(C) 1991 by TriWorld (Un)Limited & The Durex Blender Corporation
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All Rights Curiously Examined And Contemplated
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"Oozing and Pulsating things are better left untouched."
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