169 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
169 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
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COMPUTER LAB
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1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh
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my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
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2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
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suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
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3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you
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can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
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minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
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4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
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5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
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than the one it's set up with.
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6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
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highest volume possible over & over again.
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7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
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on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
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8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
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files.
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9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
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10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
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11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
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"Just in case..." mysteriously.
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12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
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everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
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13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
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crazy while typing.
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14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
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15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
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Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
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16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
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"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
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17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
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18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if
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you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
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19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
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hitting the keys with the straw.
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20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps
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Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
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21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
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monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
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that women (men) are worthless.
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22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
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doesn't work, get the supervisor.
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23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
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smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
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24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two
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days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
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25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this
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for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
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26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
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grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to
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let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let
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them linger.
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27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them
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and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
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28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
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desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
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29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
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them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around
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the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on
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plastic.
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30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
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this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
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conditions.
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31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue
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working.
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32. Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
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33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
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key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an
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entire pape this way.
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34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
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35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind
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if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
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36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
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37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
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old ways are best.
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38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
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39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
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see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
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isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
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key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
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*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on
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your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
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neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
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hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
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Print out your document and leave.
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40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
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complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
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Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
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drooling.)
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41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
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out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, ab your stuff and
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leave, howling as you go.
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42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
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hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back
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and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the
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computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type
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again.
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43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
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44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
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like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to
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figure out you're a total stranger.
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45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
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Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
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46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
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doesn't work.
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47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
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in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
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"You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every
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sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your
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neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
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48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
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sit down and begin to type.
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49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev
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that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that
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computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
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50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
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