99 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
99 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
Cartoon Law of Physics
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Cartoon Law I
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=============
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Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
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situation.
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Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters
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in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At
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this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
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takes over.
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Cartoon Law II
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==============
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Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
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intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
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foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
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telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
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absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
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the stooge's surcease.
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Cartoon Law III
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===============
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Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
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conforming to its perimeter.
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Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality
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of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
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are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a
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house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
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matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
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Cartoon Law IV
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==============
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The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
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or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
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spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
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Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
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inevitably unsuccessful.
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Cartoon Law V
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=============
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All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
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Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
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directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
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adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
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cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet
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of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
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never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
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Cartoon Law VI
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==============
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As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
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This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
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character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
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at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
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bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has
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the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
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ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
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Cartoon Law VII
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===============
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Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
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entrances; others cannot.
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This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
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it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
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an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
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The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
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into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
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Cartoon Law VIII
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================
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Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
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Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
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might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
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accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
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destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
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elongate, snap back, or solidify.
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Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
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Cartoon Law IX
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==============
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Everything falls faster than an anvil.
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Cartoon Law X
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=============
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Guns, no matter how powerful, or no matter where aimed, will do nothing more than char flesh, blow away feathers, or rearrange beaks.
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Cartoon Law XI
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Any given amount of explosives will propel a body miles away, but still in one piece, charred and extremely peeved.
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