327 lines
7.6 KiB
Plaintext
327 lines
7.6 KiB
Plaintext
s Guide Volume ][
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Compiled by
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Ctrl-Reset
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Originally made on the Apple.
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An overrated, overpriced
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piece of Junk.
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Edited for the Commodore 64
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with additions by,
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<<<2001>>>
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As stated in the first edition of
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The Real Pirate's Guide, there are a
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lot of pirates; unfortunately, a vast
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majority of them are morons. For this
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reason, these 'guides' have been as-
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sembled to aid in the growth and matur
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ity of the younger pirate generation.
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Which brings us to the golden rule of
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pirating:
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REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OLD!
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(Exceptions are very rare!)
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What follows is a compendium of some
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of ideals and morals a Real Pirate
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should possess. Note that some have
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been taken over from the first Guide
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because of their high value, and
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because these rules are still widely
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knocked around.
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SOFTWARE
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========
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Real Pirates can appreciate the
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difference between Dual and Joust.
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Real Pirates have long-since deleted
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Trashman, Sexacuda, Flight 64,
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Cosmos, Lawn Mower, Adventure!,
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and still couldn't couldn't care
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about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI,
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and especially not Scott Adams.
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Corollary: Real Pirates would jump
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at the chance to 'help' Adventure
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International go Chapter 11.
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Real Pirates aren't obsessed with
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collecting all the Trillum Adventure
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games.
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Real Pirates respect the programming
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and creative talents of those working
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for Broderbund, Infocom, and
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Electronic Arts, and congratulate
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them on a valiant attempt to make money.
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Real Pirates didn't get excessively
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excited upon the release of
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Soft-Porn Adventure, Strip Poker, or
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anything of the sort.
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Real Pirates respect the efforts of
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other pirates to sell his or her own
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programs, but would distribute them
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at the drop of a hat.
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Real Pirates pirates aren't just
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learning machine language, they think
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and live it.
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Real Pirates don't contemplate why
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Atari sucks.
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Corollary: Real Pirates just know it.
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Real Pirates know that Sir Vielant
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is the biggest looser of all the 14
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years olds on ANY CMBBS.
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Real Pirates aren't anticipating the
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release of the Ultima XXIV any time
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soon.
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Real Pirates know that Lord British
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is not the Monarch of any European
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empire.
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Real Pirates play Impossible Mission.
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BBSs
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====
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When posting a message, Real Pirates
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can differentiate between: z and s,
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ph and f, 2 and two, u and you, 0 and
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O, 4 and for, & there and their.
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Corollary: Real Pirates have long
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since had the ability to punctuate,
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spell and construct clear, well
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organized sentences.(With the
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exception of typos.)
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Corollary to the corollary: Real
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Pirates aren't constantly searching
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for new ways to spell WARES.
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Real Pirates don't use the prefix
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"k-" (ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart).
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Real Pirates use lower case.
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Corollary: Real Pirates don't type
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in all caps.
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Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
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Real Pirates don't use imbedded back-
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spacing to backspace over their name
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50 million times.
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Real Pirates don't post 'I have' msgs
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, when they really don't have.
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Real Pirates don't try to impress
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others with their superior ability to
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add many carriage returns or corsor
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downs at the end of a message, thus
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preventing anyone from reading the
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last few lines.
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Real Pirates don't brag about people
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they know, or clubs they are in to
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the point of becoming obnoxious.
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Real Pirates don't obtain their
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phreak codes from the local 'Super
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-Elite Hack Board.'
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Real Pirates use the latest version
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of SuperColorTerm.
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Real Pirates, when trading with other
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Real Pirates, are not concerned about
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matching everything the other pirate
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sends them.
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Real Pirates are happy to send wares
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to other Real Pirates simply because
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they are in the same business. (ie.no,
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'I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides').
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Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to
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print-out their goodbye message.
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Corollary: Real Pirates hang up
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before then.
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Corollary to the Corollary: Real
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Pirates don't need to look for other
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'X-cellent Pirate BBs' in the goodbye
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message.
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Real Pirates always have a copy of
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New Punter and Copy Q ][ handy.
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Real Pirates don't end their messages
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with, leave e-mail to [xxx xxx], or
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anything of the sort.
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Corollary: Real Pirates don't
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respond to such messages, and in no
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way use them as a means to get 'new
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wares'.
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Real Pirates aren't found to frequent
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the local 'War board' except to grind
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some 13 year old TI user or Sir
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Vielant type or other little wimp
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into the dust.
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Real Pirates don't have to ask if
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you have New Punter.
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Corollary: Real Pirates assume
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everyone has it.
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Real Pirates don't make threats of
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violence against others through the
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phone lines. After all, how is
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someone living in Acron, Ohio going
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to 'beat the living shit out of'
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someone living in Waco, Texas? (Not
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through Zap Mail, that's for sure.)
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Real Pirates know that the
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disclaimers often stuck in by BBS
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sysops do little more then waste
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20-40 bytes of RAM.
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Real Pirates don't post messages
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telling us what is 'old', so they can
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fill some space, thus making it look
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like they actually had a reason to
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post something relavent.
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Real Pirates don't think it's keen to
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be able to put '/ex' on a line by
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itself, and have it included in the
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message.
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Real Pirates have a 'sixth sense'
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that tells them which board to post a
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certain message on(ie. no 'new wares'
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messages on the Story Of ??? Board).
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Real Pirates can spot a 64Exchange
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or HAL BBS miles away.
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(God they are horrible!)
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Corollary: Real Pirates realize that
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64Exchange is not a BBS.
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Corollary to the Corollary: Real
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Pirates realize 64Exchanges don't have
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message bases.
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GROUPS/NAMES
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============
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Real Pirates names aren't parodies of
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other known pirates (ie. The Bandit
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Boys, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey,
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etc.).
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Real Pirates names have no
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association to any type of music
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whatsoever (ie. Green Manalishi, The
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Scorpion,etc.).
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Never is the prefix 'Krack', or
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'Crack' found in a Real Pirates name
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unless they actually can crack.
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Real Pirates know that R.P.G does not
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stand for Role Playing Games. It
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stands for the Infamous Real Pirates
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Guide!
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Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace,
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The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
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Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker,
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The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,
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Happy Hacker, Sir Vielant, Blue Adept
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or Der Fuhrer.
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MISCELLANEOUS
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=============
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When talking with a Real Pirate on
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the phone, you can be assured of not
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hearing Culture Club or the Pointer
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Sisters being played stridently in
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the background.
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Real Pirates are not offended by
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articles in NewsWeek simply because
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they make a few dorogatory remarks
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about BBS/modem users, and do not use
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this weak reason for making the
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author's life miserable.
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Real Pirates weren't dissapointed
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when Fantasy Island was cancelled,
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and didn't worry whether or not the
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Cuban midget would ever get another
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job.
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Real Pirates would like to see a
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final episode of The Love Boat, where
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Vicky absent-mindidly throws a lighted
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joint next to a propane tank, causing
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the ship to go up in a terrific
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display of fire and smoke, whilst
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seeing the heads and bodyparts of
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'your crew' scattered about the water.
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Real Pirates watch Saturday Night
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Live, Miami Vice, etc...
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Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
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======================================
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Well, that's it. For now. If you were
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at all offended by anything in this
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article, that's your que to retire
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from pirating, because after all:
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Real Pirates aren't offended by
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things contained in text files.
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I would like to thank POL for
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his helpful contributions and input.
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Changes for Commodore and other
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additions and editing by 2001.
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