87 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche
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Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and
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palate-scorching Szechwan food.
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Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right
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down on the bare metal. Application programming is for dullards who
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can't do system programming.
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Real Programmers don`t write specs. Users should be grateful for
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whatever they get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.
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Real Programmers don't comment their code. If if was hard to write
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it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
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Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who
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can't read listings or the object code.
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Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are (after all)
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the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look
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how much it did for them.
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Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the
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hallmark of the novice and the coward.
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Real Programmers don`t write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits
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who maintain ancient payroll programs.
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Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business
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Oriented Laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.
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Real Programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for wimp
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engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state
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analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
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Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal
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retentives who can't choose between COBOL and Fortran.
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Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
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BASIC after reaching puberty.
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Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
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written on one line.
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Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain
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more parenthesis than actual code.
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Real Programmers don't program in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those
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other sissy computer sicence languages. Strong typing is a crutch for
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people with weak memories.
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Real Programmers don't use any of those namby-pamby screen editors.
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Instead, Real Programmers edit with DISKZAP.
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Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if
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you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order
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in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
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Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are
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around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
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Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires
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a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers
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wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring
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up in the middle of the office.
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Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
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is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained.
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They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an
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otherwise clear desk.
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Real Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless of
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course, they are the Chief Programmer.
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Real Programmers never "write" memos. They "send" memos via the network.
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Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary
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evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters,
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senior planners, and other mental defectives.
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Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point
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was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".
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Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs,
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Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are
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highly regarded.
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