153 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
153 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
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Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
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petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
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contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
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receipt, to claim against tax.
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Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
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in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
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Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
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manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
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and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
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had...
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Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
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for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
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first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
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they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
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a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
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word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
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Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
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100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
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- to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
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of their mortgage repayments;
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- to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
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unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
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they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
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hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
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different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
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revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
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in the most politically acceptable manner), and
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- to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
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realised are infected with a virus.
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Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
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personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
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Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
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to your room!"
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Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
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the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
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playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
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money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
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budget for the next three years.
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Having worked out their mortagage repayments for the next 100 years,
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and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
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Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
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again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
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will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
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Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
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originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
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yuck!)
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Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
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turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
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I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
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Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
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nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realising they've
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left the printer off-line.
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Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
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why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
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quarter report is due tomorrow.
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In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
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Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
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Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
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Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
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accounting software for Power Users.)
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Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
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out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
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Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
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set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
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in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
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User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
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on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
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how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
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long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
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ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
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how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
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of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
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about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
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Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
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in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
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on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
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Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
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banner.
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The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
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cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realising that
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this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
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Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
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Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
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their defective mouse, because they're too embarassed to asked any of
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their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
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When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
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and race it around the desk.
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Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
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saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
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Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
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so they alway lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
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They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
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conversation apologising, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
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earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
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Support to have the problem rectified.
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Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
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come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
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a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
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switching between programs.
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Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
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applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
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Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
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built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
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Power Users believe computer salesmen.
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Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
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about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
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the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
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Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
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pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
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tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
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induce labour when she's late.
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Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
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it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
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September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
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Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
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Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
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packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
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their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
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