406 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
406 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
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Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1993 23:46:51 GMT
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Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
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Message-ID: <1993Aug13.234651.8496@xsoft.xerox.com>
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Newsgroups: rec.humor
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Date: 4 Dec 89
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----------------------------------------------------
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to quote film 89's presenter:
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batman would have been better if they'd thrown away the script and filmed
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the hype.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Just a semi-humorous fact:
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There's a Cat Mousam Rd. in southern Maine.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Why fire engines are red:
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Two plus two makes four. Three times four makes twelve. There are
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twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth
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is also a boat. Boats sail on the ocean. Fish live in the ocean. Fish
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have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. And
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that's why fire engines are red, because they're Rushin' all over!
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----------------------------------------------------
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Pardon me, I have to catch a higher plane...
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----------------------------------------------------
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Q: how many bigots does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: why change it? they've already seen all they want to.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Veni, Vedi, Visa
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I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
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----------------------------------------------------
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...which reminds me of a T-shirt I saw a few years back -- this fellow was
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walking along advertising "The Doppler Effect" in bright blue letters on his
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chest. This didn't make sense until he passed, and on the back of his shirt
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was "The Doppler Effect"...in bright RED letters.
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----------------------------------------------------
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"Many a time I have wanted to stop talking and find
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out what I really believed."
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-- Walter Lippmann
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----------------------------------------------------
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In an ad for the new VW Corrado:
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"from 0 to what seems to be the problem officer in 8.3 seconds"
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----------------------------------------------------
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Thought for the day: Clothing for Cliff Dwellers:
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Advertised in this week's Mervyns circular:
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High Sierra Prairie Shirts
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----------------------------------------------------
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Another one from the dim past (this may be apocrypha). The floors
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here (as in many computer facilities) are actually "hollow", which
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is to say that you can pull up the floor panels and crawl around
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underneath the floor where the cables are. One night, a couple of guys
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put on miner's hardhats (the ones with the little lights), pulled up
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a floor panel, got in under the floor, and made their way to the
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spot directly beneath the word processing area. Then they pushed up
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a floor panel from below and emerged. That one raised a few eyebrows.
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----------------------------------------------------
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The following filler item appeared in the September 25 issue of /The New
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Yorker/.
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JOURNALISM AT LONG LAST COMES OF AGE
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[Illak Azeredo in the Ferndale (Calif.) Enterprise]
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Mattole Grange had its monthly meeting and, after the dinner, a slide show
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was presented by Jim Decker from the B.L.M. Mr. Decker attempted to point
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out what the B.L.M. wants to do to the mouth of the river. I really don't
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understand what is happening and, until I do, I don't think I had better
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write too much about it.
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----------------------------------------------------
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This, from the preregistration materials for the "Society for the Social
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Studies of Science" annual conference, taking place at Irvine in November:
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ENVIRONS
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About California: California is a medium-sized advanced Western capitalist
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country with strong political and historical ties to the United States. No
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visa is required at this time for American Citizens. However, if you drive
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into California, your car may be inspected for alien fruits or vegetables.
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Most of what you have heard about California is probably true.
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Weather: It never rains in California, except sometimes in November.
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----------------------------------------------------
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While traveling through Ireland I was mostly hitchiking [busses cost money]
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I found, on occasion, it was diffcult to get a ride [I'm talking 2 hours with
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a thumb out]. I figured I need to get someone to stop somehow and if they did
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I could get a lift from them. I couldn't get anyone to stop so I came up
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with a sceme that I thought would work.
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I had a sign with my destination emblazened in large letters. People would
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just pass by. So on the back of the sign I wrote a destination in the WRONG
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direction and held that up. Not too shortly after a car pulled up to tell me
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what a fool I was for being on the wrong road. I asked him where this road
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went and when he told me I shrugged and said I was going to be headed in that
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dection sooner or later showed him the other side of the sign and asked for
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a ride. Got my ride in less than 10 minutes, every time...
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----------------------------------------------------
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There are a lot of cases of dual-unitsness that show a definite lack of
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understanding of units conversion.
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Example: cereal boxes which say "16 oz (453.59 g)". Now, come on there
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General Mills! If you only know the ounces to two digits of precision,
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then you only know gras to two digits. I will accept "16 oz (450 g)",
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or "16.0 oz (454 g)".
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I recently read a manual for some device which has a range of 0.621 miles.
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I can guess how this was derived: someone established that it has
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a range of about 1 km, and when the translated the manual into English,
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someone else said, "Hey lets convert this into miles so those stupid
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Americans know what we mean!" They could have said "1/2 mile", or
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even "5/8 mile" and expressed the concept with the correct feeling of
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approximation. But, I want to try it out at 0.622 miles and see if
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it fails.
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----------------------------------------------------
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A woman (one of 17 passengers) on a recent Wideroe Airlines flight in
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Norway managed to persuade the pilot to land the plane (which has no lavatory)
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at a remote airfield halfway through the 85-minute flight so she could make
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an emergency restroom visit.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Tell 'em about the pilot who called Air Traffic Control wanting to know
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what time it was. The controller asked, "what airline was that request
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from?" Sez the pilot, "why do you want to know that?" "Well, sir, if
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you're American, it's 2:30. If you're United, it's 1430 hours. If
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you're TWA, it's 1930 Zulu. And if you're Continental, it's Thursday."
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----------------------------------------------------
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A number of years ago one of the GE managers was going to Beirut, long
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before the trouble got totally out of hand there. Because there had been
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some hijackings, security was tight, and they were hand searching
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passengers in the days before metal detectors.
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The soldier patting him down suddenly shouted something (in arabic, I
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guess) and pulled out his gun. Two other soldiers pointed their machine
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guns at him. Seems that since the airline didn't have meals he had
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bought a banana and stuffed it in his inside coat pocket. It took years
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before he found any humor in the story...
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----------------------------------------------------
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Told by Don Criqui on NBC morning news:
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After telling of Jose Canseco's recent run-in with an airline stewardess
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over not wanting to wear a seatbelt...
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"Once when Muhammed Ali was flying, the stewardess came over and asked
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him to fasten his seatbelt. Ali told the stewardess, "Superman don't
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need no seatbelt".
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The stewardess replied, "Champ, Superman don't need no plane".
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----------------------------------------------------
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A small report from the first European space flight.
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The first European space flight is in progress.
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On board of the space ship are two pigs and a Belgian.
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(Side note: Picking the Belgian was obvious since the French wouldn't
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allow a German astronaut, and the Germans wdidn't want a French one, and
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both the Germans and the French were against a British astronout, unless
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of course it was Mrs. Thatcher, but she turned the job down)
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During the flight the following conversation took place between ground
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control and the crew:
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Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 1. Pig 1, are you reading me?
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Hello, here is pig 1 for Ground Control. Reading you loud and clear.
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Pig 1, how is everything?
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Everything under control Ground Control. No problems.
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Ok, pig 1. Just to check: can you repeat your instructions.
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Yes Ground Control, when coming in orbit, press the square button, and
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depress the round one.
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Ok pig 1, That's right. Over and out.
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Hello, this is Ground Control for Pig 2. Pig 2, are you reading me?
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Hello, here is pig 2 for Ground Control. What can I do for you.
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Pig 2, how is everything?
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Everything is going smoothly Ground Control. No problems.
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Pig 2, can you also repeat your instructions please.
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Yes Ground Control, when landing pull the red lever and push the blue one.
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Ok pig 2, That's right. Over and out.
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Hello, this is Ground Control for Belgian. Belgian, are you reading me?
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Hello, here is Belgian for Ground Control.
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Belgian, how is everything?
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Everything is going fine Ground Control. No problems.
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Belgian, please repeat your instructions.
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Yes Ground Control, feed the pigs twice a day, and be *&$@#& careful not
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to touch ANYTHING.
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Ok Belgian, That's right. Over and out.
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----------------------------------------------------
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SOUTHAMPTON, England (AP) - Boxer Tony Wilson won his fight in three rounds
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Thursday night after his mother climbed into the ring and hit his opponent
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over the head with her stiletto shoe.
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Opponent Steve McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head wound
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as security officers ushered Minna Wilson away.
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When McCarthy refused to return, referee Adrian Morgan raised Wilson's arms
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in victory, declaring that McCarthy had retired.
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Uproar broke out among the 1,000 specators at the Guildhall in this south
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English port, where the British light heavyweight title eliminator fight
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between local boy McCarthy and Wilson was being staged.
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The furious crowd kicked and punched Wilson before he escaped to a dressing
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room, sheltered by his trainer and manager.
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"The first thing I saw was my mum in the ring, and then eveything went wild,"
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said Wilson, from Wolverhampton, central England. "She has been watching my
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fights for years and nothing like this has happened before."
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Police reinforcements were sent. But no one was arrested, and no one was
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reported injured.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Some years ago a friend of mine was taking a magnetic computer tape through
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customs in Egypt. The customs staff on discovering the tape started to unreel
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it onto the floor. When my friend asked what they were looking for they told
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him that they were checking the film for pornographic scenes.
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----------------------------------------------------
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On a similar note: Many years ago (about 15), I used to work for the
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Infernal Revenue Service (boo!). Every Friday, some friends and I
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would gather in one one of the cafeterias and play our guitars during
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our lunch break. And -- every Friday -- when I brought my guitar case
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into the building, the guard would stop me and say, "What's in the
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guitar case?" I would look at him like he was purple and say, "Why,
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a guitar, of course!" And each week, he would tell me to open the
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case and he would search the entire case (who knows what for!), includ-
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ing the inside of the guitar. Well, one week, when he asked me, "What's
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in the guitar case?", I said -- with a perfectly straight face -- "A
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submachine gun." Did he search the case that time? NO! He waved me on!
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----------------------------------------------------
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I once went through customs from the US into Canada carrying
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a 2400' mag tape. The customs agent wasn't buying the $20
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(or whatever) I told him it was worth (no duty on the value
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of the DecSystem 20 operating system on the tape, but that's
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another story). He got his calculator out and was figuring
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the square footage of the tape so he could charge me the
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going duty on mylar.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Cartoon Laws
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Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
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Cartoon Law I.
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Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
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aware of its situation.
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Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
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He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
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chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
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of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
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Cartoon Law II.
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Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
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intervenes suddenly.
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Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
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characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
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telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
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motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
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termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
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Cartoon Law III.
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Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
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conforming to its perimeter.
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Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
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speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
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reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
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directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
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perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
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catalyzes this reaction.
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Cartoon Law IV.
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The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
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than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
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ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
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Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
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it inevitably unsuccessful.
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Cartoon Law V.
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All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
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Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
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propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
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noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
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upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
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the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
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running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
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the ground, especially when in flight.
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Cartoon Law VI.
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As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
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This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
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which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
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cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This
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effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
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being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-
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replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
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walls to achieve the velocity required.
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Cartoon Law VII.
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Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
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tunnel entrances; others cannot.
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This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but
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at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
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wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
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him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened
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against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
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This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
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Cartoon Law VIII.
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Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
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Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
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nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
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spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or
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disassembled,
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but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
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self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
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Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
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Cartoon Law IX.
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For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
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This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
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applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
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we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
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From: paquette@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Trevor Paquette)
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From: baldwin@usna.MIL (LT Justin D. Baldwin <baldwin@usna>)
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