textfiles/humor/JOKES/sickjoke.txt

What do you call a hooker's kids?  Brothel sprouts.

What has no arms and legs and hags over your mantel?  Buck.

Hear about the dead Klansman who was so big, they couldn't find a coffin large enough to hold him?  They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?  So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Did you hear about the Polish guy who ate pussy?  He spit out the kittens after he was done.

What did the potato chip say to the battery?  "If you're Eveready, I'm Frito-lay."

Woman:  "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!"
Cop:  "How do you know he was Irish?"
Woman:  "I had to help him."

Hear Oprah Winfrey was busted coming through customs at JFK?  They looked up her skirt and found 300 pounds of crack.

What did one ball say to the other?  "Why should we hang?  It was Peter that did all the shooting."

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?  Three.  One to eat the possum, and two to watch for cars.

How can you tell when you've passed an elephant?  The toilet gets clogged.

Hear about the new line of appliances for gays?  They're called kitchen AIDS.

What's grosser than gross?  Siamese twins attached at the mouth and one throws up.

What do Greeks wear to weddings?  Formal fish nets.

Why aren't there any African-American nuns?  Because they find it difficult to say Superior after Mother.

What's the difference between Rock Hudson and George Bush?  George's aides haven't killed him, yet.

What do you call an Irish prostitute?  A pig in a blanket.

Hear about the Pole who bought a Trans-Am?  It took him a month to realize he could drive at night.

What do you call someone with no arms or legs lying out in the sun?  Ray.

Hear about the blind skunk... who tried to rape a fart?

Why do women have pussies?  So men will talk to them.

What's red and white and screams?  A baby having an epileptic fit on a bed of nails.

How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Two.  One to screw it in and the other to shoot the witness.

What do you call an African-American hooker with braces on her teeth?  A Black & Decker pecker wrecker.

What happens when a Vulcan woman's tampon fails?  She gets Toxic Spock Syndrome.

What's grosser than gross?  Feeling your grandpa get a hard-on while you're sitting on his lap.

What's smaller than a teeny-weeny flea?  A flea's teeny weenie.

What's a Puerto Rican limousine?  A garbage truck with Mercedes hubcaps.

Hear about the guy with the four-inch dick?  Some women like it, but others complain it's just too wide.

How do you make an African-American nervous?  Take him to an auction.

Hear about the good Catholic priest who gave up his celibacy for Lent?

Horny boyfriend:  "Pleeease, I'll only be in you for a minute."
Girlfriend:  "What do you think I am, a microwave?"

Hear about the Great Wall of China?  It has chinks in it.

What's grosser than gross?  Finding a pubic hair in your Bloody Mary.

What's "Fi-fi-fo, fo-fo-fi-fo"?  Jesse Jackson's phone number.

How can you tell when a WASP bride is ugly?  Everyone has lined up to kiss the caterer.

Why aren't there any African-American players in the National Hockey League?  They aren't stupid.

Where does Washington keep his armies?  In his sleevies.

What do old men do?  Luckfuck.

Hear about the Polish musicians who had to empty the saliva from their instruments?  They were a string quartet.

What's the sticky white stuff in women's panties?  Clitty litter.

Define "pizza."  An abortion on toast.

Hear about the new Italian steel-belted radial tires?  Dago forward, dago backward, and when dago flat, dago wop, wop, wop.

Why is a vagina like a coffin?  It can only handle one stiff at a time.

What's this? (Open your mouth wide and stick out your tongue.)  Blow-jobber's cramp.

What does a lesbian get every 28 days?  A free meal.

What do cannibals call unborn babies?  Hors d'oeuvres.

1st Pole: "Oh, no!  The cops are following us.  Are their flashers on?"  2nd Pole: "Yep ...nope...yep...nope..."

What do you call a skinny Protestant?  A WISP.

How does an Aftican-American fairy tale start?  "You muthafuckers ain't gonna believe this shit...."

What do Mexicans call K-Mart shopping carts?  Baby buggies.

Why do you tie a baby's umbilical cord?  If you don't, he goes wwhhooossshh!

Why don't Greeks need to wear life preservers?  Because oil floats.

What's a cannibal's favorite religious text?  How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

What's a baby before it's born?  Daddy's little squirt.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Two.  One to hold the bulb, and the other to drink till the room spins.

Hear about the whore who had an appendectomy?  The doctor sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a jewelry store?  Ruby.

What's Irish and comes out in the Spring?  Paddy O'Furniture.

What's white, spotted, and gooey and rains down from the sky?  The Coming of the Lord.

What do you call a calf's pussy?  Veal cuntlet.

Define "hobosexualist."  A bum fuck.

What were the captain of the oil tanker Valdez's last words?  "No, I said Tanqueray on the rocks!"

You know God wouldn't have made women smell like fish... 
...if he hadn't made cum look like tartar sauce.

Why did they kick the gays out of heaven?  They were eating all the prophets.

How do you bury a Panamanian?  Flush.

Hear about the new jokes for the deaf?

What's grosser than gross? --Fucking a pregnant lady and the fetus gives you head.

How do WASPs celebrate Passover?  Please pass over the chicken."  "Buffy, pass over the gravy, would you?" "Will you pass over the potatoes, please."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they fuck?  They have cotton balls.

What's next door to the Joan Crawford Day Care Center?  The Grace Kelly Driving School.

What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a JAP?  Nothing.  There are some things even a gorilla won't do.

How do Chinese mothers name their babies?  Throw some silverware down the stairs and name them after the noise it makes.

Hear about the Englishman who thought manual labor was the president of Mexico?

Hear about the Alabama Highway Patrol car that hit an African-American so hard he flew thirty feet in the air?  He was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.

What did one old maid say to the other?  "Let's go down to the cucumber patch and do pushups."

What's red and screams?  A skinned baby rolling in salt.

What do you call twenty hookers on a table?  Whores d'oeuvres.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a mailbox?  Bill.

Define "skyjacking."  A hand job at 33,000 feet.

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?  With a school bus, all the little pricks are on the inside.

What does Miss Piggy use for a douche?  Hog wash.

Who's the quadriplegic under the car?  Jack.

What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and a jockstrap?  One's a dictator and the other's a dicktoter.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed Polish seamstress who couldn't menstruate?

What's the difference between American Pilots and Iraqi Pilots?  American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

What do you call E.T. with no morals?
E.Z.

Hear about the gay judges who tried each other?

What were the first words Adam said to Eve?
"Stand back!  I don't know how big this thing's gonna get."

Save the whales, eagles, and dolphins...
If you save enough, you can trade them in for lawn furniture.

What do you get when you sit on a fat person?
Thyroids.

How do you save Helen Keller from drowning?
Hand-to-had resuscitation.

What's the Greek army motto?
"Never leave your buddy's behind."

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a prostitute?
A hooker who does it for peanuts and won't ever forget it.

What do you call ten African-Americans butt fucking?
Soul Train.

Why did the Muslim stop eating his wife?
he overheard someone call her a pig.

Why do men swim faster than women?
Because they have a rudder.

How do you have fun with a dead hamster?
Tie its tail to the exercise wheel and give it a spin.

What do outhouses and candy have in common?
If there's no hole, it's not a lifesaver.

Irani saying:  A woman for sons, a boy for pleasure, and a goat for sheer ecstasy.

What's the worst thing about killing 2,000 students at Tiananmen Square?
An hour later, you want to kill 2,000 more.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Skip.

How can you tell if a girl is ticklish?
Give her your test-tickle.

What's the disadvantage of visiting a leper prostitute?
She can only give head once.

Man after rushing into a public bathroom and whipping out his twelve-incher:  "Whew, I just made it."
Drunk at the next urinal:  "Can you make me one?"

Why does it take two homosexuals to rape a girl?
One to hold her down and the other to tease her hair.

Why do JAP's close their eyes while they're fucking?
So they can pretend they're shopping.

What do you call a girl with no arms and legs taking downers?
Barb.

What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
George Bush's tie.

How can you tell if a Polish woman is having her period?
She's only wearing one sock.

What did Trump say to the beautiful blonde who accosted him in the elevator of the Trump Towers and begged to give him a blow job?
"What's in it for me?"

Why don't African-Americans use seat belts?
Because it's safer putting Velcro on the headrests.

Define "henpecked."
A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife.

What's a Mexican Express card?
A switchblade.

What's black and blue and goes swish, tha-dump, tha-dump?
A baby going down an incinerator.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Man:  "What would your mom say if she saw you?"
Hooker:  "She'd kill me.  I'm on her corner."

What do pitchers and gigolos have in common?
Fast balls.

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs in a cash register?
penny.

How can you tell the Polish secretary?
She's the one with white-out all over her computer.

What's red and white and black all over?
A nun with stab wounds.

Why does a Jewish divorce cost so much?
It's worth it.

What's red and green and goes one thousand miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
How did Helen Keller's teacher keep her from talking in class?
She made her wear mittens.
What did the impotent man and the frigid woman accomplish in bed together?
A bilateral freeze.

Define "bad acne."
Waking up in the park with a blind man reading your face.

What's a Cambodian abortion?
A hungry rat on a string.

What was the WASP National Anthem during the Vietnam war?
"O, Canada!"

How do you make paper dolls?
Screw an old bag.

What does the neon sign say above Joe's 24-hour Abortion Clinic?
YOU RAPE 'EM, WE SCRAPE 'EM

Son:  "I shoved a firecracker up a pig's ass."
Dad:  "We don't say 'ass,' we say 'rectum.'"
............
Son:  "I wrecked 'em all right.  I blew the fucker to Kingdom Come!"

Doc examining patient:  "Big breaths."
Patient:  "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen!"

What do you call a homosexual's athletic supporter?
A fruit cup.

Why didn't the eunuch cross the road?
He just didn't have the balls.

What does a WASP do when his car breaks down?
Calls AAA.

Pole #1:  "Hey. look at the dead bird."
Pole #2, looking up in the sky:  "Where?"

What do you get when you cross a Chinaman with a Frenchman?
A Frenchman who eats your laundry.

How many JAP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Five.  Four to bitch and one to get her boyfriend to do it.

What did one goose say to the other goose?
"Ooooh!  I've been peopled!"

How can you tell Italian women are embarrassed by their long hair?
Because they wear long gloves to cover it up.

Proctologist:  "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient:  "Is that so?  What's the card say?"

What do you call a nun in a blender?
Twisted Sister.

What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.

Where do women pilots sit?
in the cuntpit.

How do you wipe out 250 Puerto Rican families?
Blow up K-Mart.

Why doesn't Smoky the Bear have any children?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he hits her over the head with his shovel.

Two conceited people fucking--
She:  "Aren't I tight?"
He:  "No, just full."

When is a wet dream hazardous?
When you're under a electric blanket.

What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.

What did Wendy say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants?
"Where's the beef?"

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Spaniard?
Spic and Span.

What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the door?
Matt.

What's worse than your dentist telling you you have herpes?
Your mother telling you.

What do you call two African-American motorcycle cops?
Chocolate CHiPs.

Why was Bunker Hill slimy?
"The British are coming!  The British are coming!"

Why are most men so depressed?
They have cocks that can't crow.

What did the cannibals who caught a politician have for dinner?
Baloney sandwiches.

What do you do when you Kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and Tampon it.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a roll?
Frank.

Define "conceit."
A mosquito with a hard-on floating down the river on his back shouting, "Open the drawbridge!"

Why did the whorehouse in the leper colony close?
The tips weren't worth it.

What do you call a gay man who's had a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.

What has two cherries and dances?
100 Radio City Music Hall Rockettes.

Hear about the JAP who asked her father for fifty dollars to do shopping?
"Forty dollars," He screamed, "what are you gonna do with thirty dollars?"

What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles.

hear about the ninety-year-old man accused of rape?
The case was dismissed because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton pickup.

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.  One to screw the light bulb and one to grease the socket.

Define "premature ejaculation" in French.
Ooh la la---so soon?

What does a house wife in Malibu wear to a funeral?
Her black tennis dress.

How does a Pole keep his dinner warm?
He puts tin foil up his nose.

Two WASPs making love:
WASP #1:  "Did I hurt you?"
WASP #2:  "No, why?"
WASP #1:  "You moved."

Why do African-American men like pussy so much?
Because the outside looks like watermelon and the inside smells like catfish.

Why do Mexicans eat beans every day?
So they can take a bubble bath at night.

What do you call a governess who farts?
A hootenanny.

What's red and black and jumps in the air?
A baby in a toaster.

What kind of hamburgers do Italians eat?
Woppers.

What do you call a n Oriental on barbiturates?
A mello-yellow.

Why shouldn't you buy Polish goldfish?
They drown.

Why is San Francisco like granola?
Once you get past the fruit and nuts, all you have left is the flakes.

What do you do when an elephant comes n your window?
Swim for your life.

What do you call a JAP on a water bed?
The Dead Sea.

Hear about the new scratch-and-sniff stickers for lepers?
They include a nose.

What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
You have no one to talk to when you're getting a great blow job.

What's Helen Keller's favorite song?
"The Sound of Silence.

Two vain men are peeing by a river and one says, "Gee, this water's cold."  The second says, "and deep!"

Why is 68 the speed limit for a woman in bed?
Because at 69 she blows a rod.

What's the difference between the Suez Canal and Leona Helmsley?
The Suez Canal is a busy ditch.

How can you tell if a fence is electrified?
Throw a puppy at it and see if he gets fried.

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten.  You gotta PROBLEM wid dat?

Define "headmaster."
Someone who's expert at giving blow jobs.

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
The Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They covered the toilet bowl with Saran Wrap.

What do you give a hooker on her birthday?
A layer cake.

A drunk wanders into a women's bathroom and unzips his fly.  "This is for ladies! a woman shrieked.  "Yeah?  So's this!" he slurred.

Mommy, Mommy, I hate olives!"
"Shut up or I'll scrape your other eye out!"

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an elephant?
Elephants eventually forget.

What's brown and squishy and wears pearls?
The Gay Rights Movement.

How was copper wire invented?
Two Jews found the same penny.

What's a cannibal's faux pas?
Talking with a foot in your mouth.

What do you call twenty-five polish women in a swimming pool?
Bay of Pigs.

How can you tell the only WASP in a sauna?
He's the one with the Wall Street Journal on his lap.

What's the African-American version of a fortune cookie?
A piece of cornbread with a food stamp in the middle.

How come they canceled the Mexico City Drivers' Ed program?
The donkey died.

What did one coconut tree say to the other?
"Hold on to your nuts, there's a big blow job coming."

Why was Moses' mother so happy?
She not only had fun in bed, she made a prophet.

Why did the undertaker serve Coke at his grandmother's funeral?
Because Coke adds life.

Hear about the Italian girl who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass?

Define "corporate virgin."
One who's new to the firm.

Why did God create armadillos?
So Mexicans would have something to eat on the half shell.

Why was the leper quarterback taken out of the game?
The last play was a handoff.

What do you call a woman with no arms or legs who likes to give blow jobs?
Hedy.

What's WASP foreplay?
An engagement ring.

What does a Valley Girl say when she goes down on an African-American?
"Gag me with a coon!"

If Tarzan and Jane were Puerto Rican, what would cheetah be?
Pregnant.

How many people does it take to bury an Italian?
Two.  There're only two handles on a garbage can.

What's the worst thing about having a colostomy?
Finding shoes to match the bag.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

Hooker:  "You've got twenty bucks and I've got the time."
Pole:  "Thanks, but I already have a watch.

Why do African-American women make such good housekeepers?
Built-in Brillo pads.

What do you call a person who can't walk through a pasture without getting shit all over their shoes?
An incowpoop.

How come the leper couldn't speak?
The cat had his tongue.

Hear about the new remedy for child molesters?
Incesticide.

What's an IUD for homos?
A fruit loop.

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Irish?
Adam looked down at Eve and said, "Oh, hair" and Eve looked down at Adam and said, "Oh, tool."

Why did Jesse Jackson decide not to run for President again?
His ancestors were caught posing for National Geographic.

Why do Mexicans drive low-riders?
So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

Why do Texan girls walk bowlegged?
Everything's BIG in Texas.

Wife to amorous hubby:  "Honey, could you take your ring off?  It's hurting me."
Husband:  "Ring, hell, that's my wrist watch."

Why is sex better with sheep?
They're always in the mood, never have a headache, and when you're done, you can eat them.

How do you fit forty-seven Puerto Ricans in a Volkswagen?
Use a blender.

Seen the Canadian bumper sticker?
It says, "I'd Rather Be Driving!"

What do you call an African-American woman's tits?
Jigaboobs.

Hear they had to ban "the wave" from Cleveland Stadium?
Too many Poles were drowning.

Did you hear that Bush sent Quayle to the earthquake's epicenter?
He cabled back, "Having a great time at Disney World!"

Hear the one about the deaf mute?
Neither did he.

"Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to eat by candlelight!"
"Shut up or I'll scrape the wax out of the other ear."

What was the gay rapist charged with?
Homo-cide.

Wow did Dolly parton get two black eyes?
She went jogging and forgot to wear a bra.

Hear about the horny guy who ordered two martinis?
he drank one and poured the other on his hand, because he wanted to get his date drunk.

My dildo can do anything a man can do," the dyke sneered.  "Let's see your dildo get up and order a round of drinks," chortled the drunk.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

What happened when Tammy Bakker Cried over Jim Bakker's 45-year sentence?
MUD SLIDE!!

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diapers?
So she always knew where he was.

What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A girl.

Polish cop #1:  "Didn't I tell you to cover the exits?"
Polish copy #2:  "I did.  He must have left through one of the entrances."

Why do women have longer fingernails?
Deeper penetration.

Hear about the man who fell into the cesspool?
He couldn't swim, but he went through all the movements.

What's the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.

hear about the woman who shaved her legs and rectum?

What do you call a zipper on a gay Italian's pants?
A Mediterranean fruit fly.

Hear about the basketball player who married a midget?
He was nuts over her.

What do you call a man who has a toe growing from his knee?
Tony, silly.

"Mommy, I don't like tomato soup."
"Shut up and eat--we only have it once a month."

Tarzan:  "What name?"
Jane:  "Jane."
Tarzan:  "What whole name?"
Jane:  "Cunt."

"Knock, knock."  "Who's there?"  "Oz."  "Oz, who?"  "Oz be the new mayor!"

What four-letter word means "intercourse to a WASP?"
Talk.

What happens to an Indian (feather, not dot) who drinks too much tea?
He drowns in his tepee.

What did Quayle say when he heard about the Berlin Wall?
"Wonderful, now when are those Chinese going to take down their wall?"

What does the U.S. Board of Immigration classify Mexicans who are living legally in the U.S.?
Canadians.

How can you tell a Pole from an ape?
The ape peels the banana before eating it.

If nuts on a wall are walnuts and nuts on a chest are chestnuts, what are nuts on a chin?
A blow job.

What do you get when you screw a leper?
A piece of ass.

Define "bisexual."
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.

How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
Wave to him.

What do you call a Mexican in an earthquake?
A jumping bean.

What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?
I don't know, but whatever it is, it won't let you in its cage.

Name five makes of American cars for African-Americans.
The Falcoon, the Jiguar, the Cooneville, the Coontinental, and the Poontang.

Hear about the guy who burned his dick and stuck it in a glass of milk to cool it off?
His girlfriend saw him and exclaimed,  "So that's how you reload it!"

What's the problem with dating an ex-smoker?

He'll need something to do with his hands.

Why was the Irishman rushed to the hospital?
He tried to drink the Cutty Sark out of a bottle.

What do you call a gay Smurf?
A Smaggot.

What do you call three dead babies in a pile?
A stool.

Hear about the new Korean cookbook?
It's called 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.

Why didn't the new Pope want to accept the position?
It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.

What's German for "Vaseline"?
Der Wienerslider.

Why do WASPs fly so much?
For the food.

What's the worst thing about being a penis?
Your best friend is a cunt.

What are the three occasions an Italian man visits his priest?
His first communion, when he gets married, and before his electrocution.

Hear about the girl who had tits on her back?
She was ugly to look at, but a whole lot of fun to dance with.

What did the disadvantaged Jewish teenager get for Chanukah?
A domestic car.

How can you tell if an elephant is in the same dark room with you?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Why is the urban cowboy's mustache all brown and scuzzy?
"He's lookin' for love in all the wrong places."

John:  "Wow!  Great scooter, where'd you get the motor?"
Bob:  "My dad's iron lung."
John:  "What did he say about that?"
Bob: "'AARRGGHHH!'"

Hear the new slogan for Clairol hair color?
"Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match."

What do you get when you cross an African-American with a Japanese?
Someone who on December seventh has an uncontrollable urge to attack Pearl Bailey.

What came out of John Lennon's head when he was shot?
Beatlejuice.

Hear about the Pole who couldn't write "Happy Birthday" on a cake?
It kept getting stuck in the typewriter.

Where do fags park?
In the rear.

Hear about the Jewish porn movie?
It's called "Debbie Does Bubkis."

What did the WASP child scream when her school was burning down?
"MY HOMEWORK!!"

Hear about the Polish/Italian soccer game?
Italy didn't show up, and three plays later the Poles won.

Why didn't God make Adam and Eve African?
Ever try to take a rib from an African-American male?

Nurse:  "Why is that old man sticking out his tongue and holding up his middle finger?"
Doc:  "He's showing me his sexual organs."

What's red and white and bobs up and down?
A baby in a Jacuzzi.

What do you make from frozen holy water?
Popesicles.

Secretary:  "May I use your Dictaphone?"
Boss:  "Use your finger like everyone else."

Hear about the retarded Arab terrorists?
They attacked the Special Olympics.

How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fifty.  One to screw it in and the other forty nine to guard him.

Hear about the new Pan Am check-in procedure?
You choose between Smoking and Burnt-Beyond-All-Recognition.

What do you get when you cross the Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a group of Eskimos?
Cold cuts.

Define "proctologist."
A crack investigator.

What's red and white and hangs from a tree?
A baby run over by a snowblower.

What did the little African-American kid do when he overheard Santa say "Ho.ho. ho" to his mother?
He shot him.

What is Billy Martin doing now?
Managing the Angels.

How do you tell a Polish ladder from a normal one?
The Polish one has the word STOP stenciled on the top rung.

What do you get when you cross a Mongoloid and a one-legged Eskimo?
A Polaroid One-Step.

What does an African-American parrot say?
"Polly want a white woman."

Gynecologist:  "Removing the vibrator is going to be a tricky and expensive operation."
Woman:  "Why don't you just replace the batteries?"

What do you call a drunk with no arms or legs wrapped around a telephone pole?
Curly.