textfiles/humor/JOKES/quote.txt

Support wildlife - throw a party.
BUMPER STICKER

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
GRAFFITI

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
WILDE

The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.
WILDE

I can sympathize with everything, except suffering.
WILDE

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
SHAW

Assassination:  The extreme form of censorship.
SHAW

My salad days, when I was green in judgement.
SHAKESPEARE

I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position.
MARK TWAIN

Energy and persistence alter all things.
FRANKLIN

He that won't be counseled can't be helped.
FRANKLIN

SNIGLET.  Definition of Squigger:
A cherry tomato that explodes upon contact with a fork.

SNIGLET.  Definition of Wondracide:
The act of murdering a piece of bread with a knife and cold butter.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa
mistake each other for a star.
WOODY ALLEN

It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
MAUGHAM

Never spend your money before you have it.
JEFFERSON

He that never thinks can never be wise.
JOHNSON

There's none so blind as they that won't see.
SWIFT

Not many men have both good fortune and good sense.
LIVY

Who has lost freedom has nothing else to loose.

Three may keep counsel, if two are away.
HEYWOOD

When one will not, two cannot quarrel.

Men are better when they are old; things when they are new.

Gross negligence is equivalent to intentional wrong.

Everybody's business is nobody's business.

There is nothing certain except the unforeseen.
FRAUDE

No one respects a talent that is concealed.
ERASMUS

We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.
GOETHE

Do the headwork before the handwork.

The echo always has the last word.

Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world.  It beats
money and power and influence.
CHESTER

Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have
certainty without any proof.
MONTAGUE

None are fools always, though everyone sometimes.
D'URFEY

Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
TENNYSON

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
EISENHOWER

Make yourself necessary to somebody.
EMERSON

If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.
ALFONSO THE WISE

The greatest general is he who makes the fewest mistakes.
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.
WILSON

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
GIRAUDOUX

DAVID LOVELOCK on his balding brother
Hair today, gone tomorrow.

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
LANGLEY

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
KENNEDY

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin
for one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
JOHN BARRYMORE

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
MASON

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
TARTAKOWER

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
KOMMEN

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
BERLIOZ

A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect
the fuse by blowing first.
Froud's Law

I've come too far, and I don't know how to get back.
ELVIS PRESLEY

Bradley's Bromide:  If computers get too powerful, we can
organize them into a committee - that will do them in.

An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
CAMERON

That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.
THOREAU

I really hate this damn machine,
   I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
   But only what I tell it.

The hardest thing in a girl's life is to prove to a man
that his intentions are serious.
ROWLAND

Nature always tends to act in the simplest way.
BERNOULLI

The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
KARL MARX

Murphy was optimistic.
O'TOOLE

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
Every class is unfit to govern.
LORD ACTON

Buy old masters.  They fetch a better price than old mistresses.
LORD BEAVERBROOK

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
ABIGAIL VAN BUREN

Nothing is true.  Everything is permitted.
SABBAH

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
MAE WEST

If you think the United States has stood still, who built
the largest shopping center in the world?
NIXON

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
REAGAN

A good review from the critics is just another stay of execution.
DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
GALBRAITH

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be
going in the wrong direction.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

You have to expect that if you cuss out the world,
the world is going to cuss back.
ANDREW YOUNG

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
MENCKEN

If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it
easier to get to the airport.
WINTERS

I finally know what distinguishes man from the
other beasts : financial worries.
RENARD

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive
questions your wife asks for nothing.
ADAMS

Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
STOPPARD

Where does virgin wool come from?  The sheep that runs the fastest.
BANKS

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
ACHESON

Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours.
BALDWIN

In any country there must be people who have to die.  They are the
sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
IDI AMIN

If you want to annoy your neighbors, tell the truth about them.
ARETINO

Courage is grace under pressure.
HEMINGWAY

The politician is like an acrobat : he keeps his balance
by saying the opposite of what he does.
BARRES

Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom.
The first is being a bore.
BEATON

I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
BEVAN

The greatest masterpiece in history is only a dictionary out of order.
COCTEAU

Martyrdom does not end something; it is only the beginning.
GANDHI

Actors search for rejection.  If they don't get it they reject themselves.
CHEVY CHASE

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
LILY TOMLIN

Laughter is by definition healthy.
LESSING

Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
EVANS

Men who borrow their opinions can never repay their debts.
SAVILE

Television - a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
KOVACS

The child is the father of the man.
WORDSWORTH

All you owe the public is a good performance.
BOGART

The bee is such a busy soul.
   He has no time for birth control.
So that is why in times like these
   There are so many sons of bees.

Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.

The other line is always shorter.
The other line always moves faster.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.

In my opinion a mathematician need not preoccupy himself with philosophy -
an opinion, moreover, which has been expressed by many philosophers.

Insanity is hereditary - you catch it from your children.
BUMPER STICKER

Life is a hereditary disease.
GRAFFITI

Punctuality is the thief of time.
WILDE

I never travel without my diary.  One should always have
something sensational to read in the train.
WILDE

There is no sin except stupidity.
WILDE

How can what an Englishman believes be heresy?
It is a contradiction in terms.
SHAW

No legacy is as rich as honesty.
SHAKESPEARE

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.
SHAKESPEARE

Man is the only animal that blushes.  Or needs to.
MARK TWAIN

Whatever's begun in anger ends in shame.
FRANKLIN

He that won't be counseled can't be helped.
FRANKLIN

SNIGLET.  Definition of Shocklet:
The third hole on an electrical outlet.

SNIGLET.  Definition of Banectomy:
The removal of bruises on a banana.

California is a fine place to live - if you're an orange.
WOODY ALLEN

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never
committed adultery, are now extinct.
MAUGHAM

The world does not require so much to be informed as reminded.
MORE

Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too
much football with his helmet off.
JOHNSON

A delay is better than disaster.

The eagle does not hunt flies.

One today is worth two tomorrows.

Knowledge is power.
BACON

A man's true wealth is the good he does in the world.
MOHAMMED

He is a good orator who convinces himself.

He who looks for a mule without a fault must go on foot.

"They say" is often proved a great liar.

Zeal without knowledge is fire without light.
FULLER

In the country of the blind the one-eyed is king.
ERASMUS

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
GOETHE

The secret of success is constancy of purpose.
DISRAELI

Impudence is the worst of all human diseases.
EURIPEDES

Necessity makes even the timid brave.
SALLUST

Honor lies in honest toil.
CLEVELAND

Forbidden things have a secret charm.
TACITUS

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
TENNYSON

The greatest obstacle to progress is prejudice.
BAVEE

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
CHURCHILL

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
BALFOUR

In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.
NAPOLEAN BONAPARTE

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't
get sick you're missing half the fun.
WILSON

The only reason some people get lost in thought
is because it's unfamiliar territory.

I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
DAVIS

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

We would like to live as we once lived, but history will not permit it.
KENNEDY

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
ETHEL BARRYMORE

I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
ROGERS

Wagner's music is much better than it sounds.
NYE

Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.

If A equals success, then the formula is:    A = X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
EINSTEIN

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
GETTY

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
SPRECHT

Civilization advances by extending the number of important
operations one can do without thinking about them.

The Swartzberg Test:
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.

Even God cannot change the past.
AGATHON

Some people like my advice so much that they frame
it upon the wall instead of using it.
DICKSON

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.
ROWLAND

Consistency only requires that you be as ignorant
today as you were a year ago.
BERENSON

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
MARX

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
WEISERT

I came, I saw, I conquered.
CAESAR

Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called war.
BROOKS

Cigar smoking isn't the worst vice, but it's not too bad for a nickel.
GEORGE BURNS

Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
DIDDLEY

When choosing between two evils I always like to
take the one I've never tried before.
MAE WEST

You can't underestimate the power of fear.
PATRICIA NIXON

College isn't the place to go for ideas.
KELLER

Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
PINK FLOYD

Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
GALBRAITH

I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew
it must have been from you.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let
the task completely overwhelm me.  ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
MIZNER

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what
they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
MENCKEN

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
LEBOWITZ

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

Don't be afraid to take a big step.  You can't cross
a chasm in two small jumps.
LLOYD GEORGE

The saints are the sinners who keep on trying.
STEVENSON

Don't be so humble.  You're not that great.
MEIR

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
ADE

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders,
but they have never failed to imitate them.
BALDWIN

A musicologist is a man who can read music but cannot hear it.
BEECHAM

The world can forgive practically anything except people
who mind their own business.
MARGARET MITCHELL

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
BAER

Democracy : In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
BARRY

What is an adult?  A child blown up by age.
DE BEAUVOIR

If it's good they'll stop making it.
BLOCK

Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
DRUMMOND

The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.
GANDHI

Those who live in a world of human beings can only retrace their steps.
SARRAUTE

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever
else you do well matters very much.
JACQUELINE ONASSIS

To my mind the old masters are not art; their value is in their scarcity.
EDISON

Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build
a bridge even where there is no river.
KHRUSHCHEV

What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from
the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
HARKNESS

I don't want to make money.  I just want to be wonderful.
MARILYN MONROE

Men aren't necessities.  They're luxuries.
CHER

The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right.
RUCKELSHAUS

Physicists know what's important, but they don't know what is true.
Mathematicians know what's true, but they don't know what is important.

Age is a matter of mind.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

An alarm clock is a device that makes you rise and whine.

An archaeologist is someone whose career lies in ruins.

A baby sitter is someone who watches your TV set
while your kids cry themselves to sleep.

A baseball fan is a spectator sitting 500 feet from home plate
who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away.

I support the right to arm bears.
BUMPER STICKER

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
perhaps you have misunderstood the situation.
GRAFFITI

The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.
WILDE

On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral
duty to speak one's mind.  It becomes a pleasure.
WILDE

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
WILDE

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything.
That points clearly to a political career.
SHAW

One may smile, and smile, and be a villain.
SHAKESPEARE

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.
SHAKESPEARE

When angry, count four.  When very angry, swear.
MARK TWAIN

Where sense is wanting, everything is wanting.
FRANKLIN

Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.
FRANKLIN

SNIGLET.  Definition of Gazinta:
Mathematical symbol for division.  Example: 4 gazinta 8 twice.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
WOODY ALLEN

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
WOODY ALLEN

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
Last words of SOMERSET MAUGHAM

Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
CLAY

Once you become famous, there is nothing left to become but infamous.
DON JOHNSON

Anger is brief lunacy.
HORACE

A long tongue shortens life.

Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
CATO

Anger makes dull men witty - but it keeps them poor.
BACON

It is bad advice that cannot be changed.
SYRUS

Self conquest is the greatest of victories.
PLATO

A journey of 1000 miles begins with one step.
LAO-TZE

An evil life is a kind of death.
OVID

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER

War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
ERASMUS

The unnatural, that too is natural.
GOETHE

A crooked stick will have a crooked shadow.

In goodness there are all kinds of wisdom.
EURIPEDES

Be slow of tongue and quick of mind.
CERVANTES

I would rather make my name than inherit it.
THACKERAY

Posterity gives every man his true value.
TACITUS

The true measure of life is not length, but honesty.
LYLY

Better were it to be unborn than be ill bred.
RALEIGH

Nothing succeeds like a canary with no teeth.
BENNY HILL  ("Think about it!")

Few people can be happy unless they hate some
other person, nation, or creed.
RUSSELL

I have a new philosophy.  I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
SCHULTZ

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
WILSON

I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose.
HAYAKAWA

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your
living room by people you wouldn't have in your house.
DAVID FROST

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office.

If I had known I was going to live this long
I would have taken better care of myself.

This book fills a much-needed gap.
HADAS in a review.

Anything anybody can say about America is true.
GROGAN

A man is known by the company he avoids.

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
COOLIDGE

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
WEINBERG

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that
everything he encounters needs pounding.
KAPLAN

Thoreau's Law:  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious
intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?  A stick!
KIRCHENBAUM

Life is not one thing after another.
It's the same damn thing over and over!

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.
DICK CAVETT

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how
much they must hate to work for a living.
ROWLAND

Governments last as long as the under-taxed can defend
themselves against the over-taxed.
BERENSON

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX

A handshake isn't worth the paper it is written on.
JUDGE WAPNER

Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
AESOP

If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
BROOKS

Acting is the perfect idiot's profession.
KATHARINE HEPBURN

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.  But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
BOHR

It's not the men in my life that counts.  It's the life in my men.
MAE WEST

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image.
Therefore, I have to beat somebody.
NIXON

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
CLARKE

Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know
what I want to be when I grow up.
DRUCKER

Anyone can hate.  It costs to love.
WILLIAMSON

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure
I'll never find out the truth.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call
whatever you hit the target.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll
meet them on your way down.
MIZNER

Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
MENCKEN

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite
as satisfying as an income tax refund.
RAYMOND

I am only an average man but, by George, I work
harder at it than the average man.
ROOSEVELT

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes
than the first four hours of a diet.
BECKETT

Anyone who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies.
JONES

A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish
remarks than anything else in the world.
GONCOURT

Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look pleasant.
ADE

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
BALDWIN

More will mean worse.
AMIS

It takes two to destroy a marriage.
MARGARET TRUDEAU

The cure for admiring the House Of Lords is to go and look at it.
BAGEHOT

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
HUBBARD

To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.
DE BEAUVOIR

War is like love, it always finds a way.
BRECHT

He continued to be an infant long after he ceased to be a prodigy.
ROBERT MOSES

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
GANDHI

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.
ESAR

Invest in yourself, in your education ... there's nothing better.
SYLVIA PORTER

I am proud of the fact that I never invented weapons to kill.
EDISON

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom
meaningless by not committing them?
FEIFFER

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
HEGEL

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
MARILYN MONROE

It's best to have failure happen early in life.  It wakes up the
phoenix bird in you so you rise from the ashes.
ANNE BAXTER

Equality is a step down for most women.
SCHAFLY

The brain is the only part of the human machine that doesn't wear out.
Probably it's because the brain is the only part that is not overworked.

College-bred is a four-year loaf, using Dad's dough,
coming out half-baked, with a lot of crust.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing,
but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Conceit is a queer disease - it makes everyone
sick except the person who has it.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Some men are wise, and some are otherwise.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning
with them won't aggravate.
BUMPER STICKER

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
GRAFFITI

He hasn't one redeeming vice.
WILDE

I can resist everything except temptation.
WILDE

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
WILDE

A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
SHAW

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
SHAW

How poor are they that have not patience.
SHAKESPEARE

Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
MARK TWAIN

I have been complimented many times and that embarrasses me;
I always feel they have not said enough.
MARK TWAIN

We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately.
FRANKLIN

SNIGLET.  Definition of Accordionated:
Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

SNIGLET.  Definition of Cellostatic:
The electrical property of cellophane that causes it to stick to your hand.

I'm not afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens.
WOODY ALLEN

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer,
sex raises some pretty good questions.
WOODY ALLEN

A little rebellion now and then is a good thing.
JEFFERSON

There are three kinds of lies - lies, damnable lies, and statistics.
FROST

Catch the bear before you sell his skin.

Nothing is beautiful from every point of view.
HORACE

Bad memory has its roots in bad attention.

Advise is least heeded when most needed.

Charity begins at home, but shouldn't end there.

Some remedies are worse than the disease.
PUBLIUS SYRUS

He was a wise man who invented God.
PLATO

Half the truth is often a great lie.

Write injuries in sand, but benefits in marble.

Real wealth can only increase.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER

The noblest motive is the public good.
VIRGIL

Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and
the whole world will be clean.
GOETHE

Who never climbed never fell.

It is not good to have everything one wants.
PASCAL

Truth is often eclipsed but never extinguished.
LIVY

Politeness is the chief sign of culture.
GRACIAN

He who considers too much will perform little.
SCHILLER

Good cheer is no hindrance to a good life.
ARISTIPPUS

Nothing is so easy as to deceive oneself.
DEMOSTHENES

I like a man who grins when he fights.
CHURCHILL

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact they do so.
RUSSELL

Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
LENNON

Is life worth living?  That depends on the liver.

He who laughs, lasts.
POOLE

To look back is to relax one's vigil.
BETTE DAVIS

I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.


The only way a reporter should look at a politician is down.
KENT

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste no time reading it.
HADAS in a letter.

A conference is just an admission that you want
somebody to join you in your troubles.
ROGERS

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't
have the time or money to do it right.
ADLER

You don't have to explain something you never said.
COOLIDGE

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
EINSTEIN

The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
LEVIAN

Vique's Law:
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

The government of the United States is not in any sense
founded on the Christian Religion.
WASHINGTON

To err is human, to compute divine.
Trust your computer but not its programmer.

The meek will inherit the Earth.  The rest of us will go to the stars.

Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor.
TOYNBEE

Marriage - a souvenir of love.
ROWLAND

We are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs.
BERNE

Mathematics consists in proving the most obvious
things in the least obvious way.
POLYA

No one ever regarded the first of January with indifference.
LAMB

ARCHIMEDES on the LEVER
Give me a firm spot on which to stand, and I will move the earth.

My biggest hatred in the world is having people I don't know
grab and pull at me and try to kiss me.
BROOKE SHIELDS

My movies are the kind they show in prisons and airplanes,
because nobody can leave.
BURT REYNOLDS

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE

No television performance takes as much preparation
as an off-the-cuff talk.
NIXON

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic.
CLARKE

How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
FIRESIGN THEATER

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be
true either is true or becomes true.
LILLY

Please don't ask me what the score is.  I'm not even sure what the game is.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
COULT

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think
the movie heroes are in the audience.
MIZNER

Lawyer - one who protects us against robbers by taking away the temptation.
MENCKEN

Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked
in his moccasins for two weeks.
SIOUX INDIAN PRAYER

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
ADAMS

Be yourself.  Who else is better qualified.
GIBLIN

A woman's love for a man is greater than a man's love for a woman.
TOM JONES

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the U.S.  The only thing is -
I could be just as proud for half the money.
GODFREY

Information is the currency of democracy.
NADER

It is better to abolish serfdom from above than to wait
for it to abolish itself from below.
ALEXANDER II

Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.
BENTHAM

It's amazing how nice people are to you when
they know you're going away.
ARLEN

In my youth I hoped to do great things; now I shall be
satisfied to get through without a scandal.
BAGEHOT

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
HUBBARD

Most women are not as young as they are painted.
BEERBOHM

Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
BRESLIN

Aging is not a disease.
JANE FONDA

People used to throw rocks at me for my clothes.
Now they want to buy them.
CYNDI LAUPER

Fashions in sin change.
HELLMAN

Where there is money, there is fighting.
ANDERSON

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once
they have exhausted all other alternatives.
EBAN

What an author likes to write most is his
signature on the back of a check.
FRANCIS

What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
HITLER

I don't like holding anybody on a pedestal; certainly not football players.
KARRAS

I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more.
SALK

Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
SPOCK

A consultant is an executive who can't find a job.

A critic is someone who points out how imperfectly
other people do what the critic does not do at all.

A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.

Dieting is a matter of mind over platter.

An ecologist is a voice crying over the wilderness.

Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so
well is that they have a common enemy.
BUMPER STICKER

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
GRAFFITI

The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
WILDE

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
WILDE

America is the only country that went from barbarism
to decadence without civilization in between.
WILDE

He who can, does.  He who cannot, teaches.
SHAW

What's past help should be past grief.
SHAKESPEARE

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member
of Congress.  But I repeat myself.
MARK TWAIN

Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge.
FRANKLIN

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
FRANKLIN

SNIGLET.  Definition of Glackett:
The noisy ball inside a spray-paint can.

SNIGLET.  Definition of Reled:
To reset all the digital clocks in the house following a power failure.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
WOODY ALLEN

In California they don't throw their trash away - they
make it into television shows.
WOODY ALLEN

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
JEFFERSON

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
JEROME

Do not delay : the golden moments fly.
LONGFELLOW

Rule your mind or it will rule you.
HORACE

One of these days is none of these days.
BOHN

When all men speak, no man hears.
KELLY

Little is done when many command.

A work ill done must be twice done.

Plato is a bore.
NIETZSCHE

Better an empty purse than an empty head.

Learning without thought is labor lost.
CONFUCIUS

All would be well if there were no buts.

They conquer who believe they can.
VIRGIL

Everything yields to diligence.
ANTIPHANES

It is better to bend than to break.

The sweetest of all sounds is praise.
ZENOPHON

Be sure you're right, then go ahead.
CROCKETT

Give your tongue more holidays than your head.

The deeper the sorrow, the less tongue it has.
TALMUD

The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
SENECA

The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn.
EMERSON

There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
CHURCHILL

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want
their children to be a credit to them.
RUSSELL

You smash it - and I'll build around it.
LENNON

The best way to get praise is to die.

Like all self-made men he worships his creator.

Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
KERR-WALKER

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
MORGAN

98% of the adults in this country are decent, honest, hard-working Americans.
It's the other lousy 2% that get all the publicity. But then we elected them.

God made man, and then said I can do better than that and made woman.
ADELA ROGERS St. JOHN

Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.
BRADLEY

I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
COOLIDGE

Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June.
BERNSTEIN

So little time, so little to do.
LEVANT

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.

Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.

I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head.
WALLACE

After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.

Some never choose an opinion.  They just wear
whatever happens to be in fashion.
TOLSTOY

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
VOLTAIRE

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand
it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.
WATSON

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
POLLOCK

The Lord in His wisdom made the fly,    And then forgot to tell us why.
NASH

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
AUDEN

Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words.
JOYCE BROTHERS

Unless you love someone, nothing makes any sense.
BURTON

The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of
the human mind to correlate all its contents.
LOVECRAFT

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
FREUD

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose
will land in Los Angeles.
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT

Justice is incidental to law and order.
HOOVER

We are what we pretend to be.
VONNEGUT

A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
WALD

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

The rule for staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number,
or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
QUINN

A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
CAPRA

Remorse - regret that one waited so long to do it.
MENCKEN

When ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise.
GRAY

The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice
that the characters are purely imaginary.
ADAMS

I owe all of my success in life to always having been
a quarter of an hour beforehand.
HORATIO NELSON

Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
JONES

Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the middle of a battle.
ABOUT

The English instinctively admire any man who has
no talent and is modest about it.
AGATE

What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
ALTMAN

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room in heaven.
MUHAMMED ALI

The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sins.
ARNOUX

A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
BALLIETT

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
HUBBARD

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem : they know how it's done, they've
seen it done every day, but they are unable to do it themselves.
BEHAN

Television - the longest amateur night in history.
CARSON

Immature artists imitate.  Mature artists steal.
PICASSO

I don't exercise.  I'm Jewish.  If God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention.
SKINNER

The edgier you are, the sharper you are.
ANDERSON

Never argue with fool - people might not know the difference.
FIRST LAW OF DEBATE

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide
who has the better lawyer.
ROBERT FROST

Everlasting peace will come to the world when the
last man has slain the last but one.
HITLER

I love children.  Especially when they cry - for
then someone takes them away.
NANCY MITFORD

A man in love is incomplete until he has married.  Then he is finished.
ZSA ZSA GARBOR

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
POPE

Education is what you get when your father sends you to college.
The education process is not complete until you send your son there.

Egotism is a case of mistaken nonentity.

Experience is the thing which enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.

An expert is a person who can take something
you already know and make it sound confusing.

Fashion is something which goes in one year and out the other.

Fat is the penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
GRAFFITI

Apathy is something I'm neither for nor against.
GRAFFITI

Truth is never pure, and rarely simple.
WILDE

WILDE's definition of a cynic.
A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
WILDE

Common sense is instinct.  Enough of it is genius.
SHAW

Delays have dangerous ends.
SHAKESPEARE

In the first place, God made idiots.  That was for
practice. Then he made school boards.
MARK TWAIN

The doors of wisdom are never shut.
FRANKLIN

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
FRANKLIN

SNIGLET.  Definition of Cushup:
To sit down on a couch causing the cushion next to you to rise.

SNIGLET.  Definition of Opup:
To push one's glasses back on the nose.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.  They rented my room.
WOODY ALLEN

Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
WOODY ALLEN

Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations.
JEFFERSON

I like work: it fascinates me.  I can sit and look at it for hours.
JEROME

No wise man ever wished to be younger.
SWIFT

And seek for truth in the groves of Academe.
HORACE

The devil has three children: Pride, Falsehood and Envy.

We have met the enemy and he is us.
KELLY

A page digested is better than a volume hurriedly read.
MACAULAY

Take the world as it is, not as it ought to be.

Time spent in laughter is well invested.

Men learn while they teach.
SENECA

Study the past if you would divine the future.
CONFUCIUS

A quiet tongue shows a wise head.

The smallest hair casts its shadow.
GOETHE

Skill and confidence are an unconquered army.
HERBERT

Never ask pardon before you are accused.

Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought.
SZENT-GYORGI

Beware the fury of a patient man.
DRYDEN

Better keep peace than make peace.

Nobody can be exactly like me.  Even I have trouble doing it.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
DIRKSEN

Hitch your wagon to a star.
EMERSON

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most
times he will pick himself up and carry on.
CHURCHILL

The chicken probably came before the egg because it
is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.

There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval.
SANTAYANA

A murderer is one who is presumed innocent until proven insane.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician, because he doesn't know
how to lie, cheat, and steal.  He's always had an agent for that.

When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.

Absence makes the heart go yonder.
BYRNE

A "good" family is one that used to be better.
AMORY

I improve on misquotation.
GRANT

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
LOMBARDI

A politician is a person who approaches a question with an open mouth.
ADLAI STEVENSON

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
ERLICH

Sometimes one pays the most for the things one gets for nothing.
EINSTEIN

A man of quality is not threatened by a woman of equality.

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
GOLDWYN

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
CAMUS

It's said that there are no indiscreet questions, just indiscreet answers.
WALLACE

Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
LANTZ

Whoever serves his country well has no need of ancestors.
VOLTAIRE

It is a paradox and a mystery that the most powerful force
on earth lacks the power to understand itself.
MARSHALL

If anything can go wrong, it will.
MURPHY

Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Great men are always bad men.
LORD ACTON

"Peace" is when nobody's shooting.  A "just peace" is
when our side gets what it wants.
MAUDLIN

Superstition is the religion of feeble minds.
BURKE

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
BUTLER

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
KESEY

It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
SUTTON

If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
AGNEW

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
HOFFMAN

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle
to the strong - but that's the way to bet.
RUNYON

"Automatic" simply means you can't repair it yourself.
WALDRIP

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Isn't it strange?  The same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers
take economists seriously.
CINCINNATI ENQUIRER

Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
MENNINGER

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
MENCKEN

Nothing is waste that makes a memory.
ROREM

Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always
been the systematic organization of the hatreds.
ADAMS

Be happy.  It is a way of being wise.
COLETTE

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought
of someone he can blame it on.
JONES' LAW

The first requirement of a statesman is that he be dull.
This is not always easy to achieve.
ACHESON

Theatre Director : A person engaged by the management to
conceal the fact that the players cannot act.
AGATE

If we could harness the destructive energy of disagreements
over politics, we wouldn't need a bomb.
BARBARA WALTERS

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
ANTRIM

Life always comes to a bad end.
AYME

The days in one's life that stand out most vividly are
the days when one learns something.
LUCILLE BALL

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then
complain he's not the man she married?
BARBRA STREISAND

Everyone becomes the thing they most despise.
BENCHLEY

Democracy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
CATLIN

Man has his will - but woman has her way.
HOLMES

What I cannot love, I overlook.
NIN

No problem is so big or so complicated it cannot be run away from.
LINUS

One man with courage makes a majority.
ANDREW JACKSON

Keep cool.  Anger is not an argument.
WEBSTER

Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
FULDHEIM

A sharp tongue is the only edged instrument that
grows keener with constant use.
IRVING

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
NATHAN

I always say beauty is only sin deep.
SAKI

History is littered with wars which everybody knew would never happen.
POWELL

A fish is an underwater creature which grows the fastest between the
time it is caught and the time the fisherman describes it to his friends.

Gambling is a method of getting nothing for something.

A gossip is a person with a keen sense of rumor.

Heredity is what man believes in until
his son begins to act like a delinquent.

Inflation is a drop in the buck.

An intellectual is a person whose advanced education enables him
to worry about things that the ignoramus doesn't know exist.

Cancer cures smoking.
BUMPER STICKER.

God is not dead.  He is alive and working on a
much less ambitious project.
GRAFFITI

History repeats itself because nobody listens.

"To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune;
to lose both looks like carelessness."
WILDE

A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
WILDE

Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
SHAW

Advice is like kissing : it costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do.
SHAW

Brevity is the soul of wit.
SHAKESPEARE

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
MARK TWAIN

The discontented man finds no easy chair.
FRANKLIN

There's no such thing as a free lunch.
FRIEDMAN

SNIGLET.  Definition of Frustra:
The special plastic used in the manufacture of fast-food ketchup packets.

SNIGLET.  Definition of Spirtle:
The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want
to achieve immortality through not dying.
WOODY ALLEN

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
WOODY ALLEN

Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried.
JEFFERSON

Confound these ancestors.  They've stolen our best ideas!
JOHNSON

Vision is the art of seeing things invisible.
SWIFT

Brevity is a great charm of eloquence.
CICERO

The less men think the more they talk.
MONTESQUIEV

None but a fool is always right.
HARE

When fortune knocks, be sure to open the door.
BAILEY

In prosperity, caution; in adversity, patience.

A man of courage never wants weapons.

Wisdom comes to no one by chance.
SENECA

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
CONFUCIUS

Abundant caution does no harm.
COKE

One cannot always be a hero, but one can always be a man.
GOETHE

The best is good enough.

Too much rest becomes a pain.
HOMER

Idleness is the holiday of fools.
CHESTERFIELD

Nothing is so firmly believed as what we least know.
MONTAIGNE

Wishes won't wash dishes.

Innocence is ashamed of nothing.
ROUSSEAU

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
HEISENBERG

Men are what their mothers made them.
EMERSON

How can you tell when a lawyer lies?
He moves his lips.

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.
BONNANO

The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
FLIP WILSON

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease.
DAVIS

The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.
McCARTHY

If it weren't for Philip T. Farnsworth, inventor of
television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Sex : The thing that takes up the least amount of time
and causes the most amount of trouble.
BARRYMORE

Better that a girl have beauty than brains
because boys see better than they think.

Winning isn't everything, but wanting to win is.
LOMBARDI

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
ADLER

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
BERLE

Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
FISCHER

I get lonesome sometimes.  I get lonesome right in the middle of a crowd.
ELVIS PRESLEY

Make no little plans.  They have no Magic to stir Men's blood.
HUDSON

Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die.
CAMPBELL

A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
BISMARCK

Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he
is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
ROWLAND

A long dispute means both parties are wrong.
VOLTAIRE

All I want to say is that I'm just as screwed up as everybody else.
EDDIE MURPHY

The gods help them that help themselves.
AESOP

Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive;
easy to govern but impossible to enslave.
LORD BROUGHAM

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
SANDBURG

"Home Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
BUTLER

It's not the size of the ship, it's the size of the waves.
LITTLE RICHARD

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
ROSE

The most difficult secret for a man to keep is his own opinion of himself.
PAGNOL

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
HOFFER

I could prove God statistically.
GALLUP

We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
CULKIN

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured
by his willingness to be kind.
YOUNG

Voting is simply a way of determining which side is the stronger
without putting it to the test of fighting.
MENCKEN

Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.
SCHWEITZER

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
BOREN

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
ADAMS

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
LINCOLN

When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
PRYCE-JONES

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell
the word you first thought of.
BACHARACH

Civilization is the lamb's skin in which barbarism masquerades.
ALDRICH

Parents of young children should realize that few people will
find their children as enchanting as they do.
BARBARA WALTERS

To say nothing, especially when speaking, is half the art of diplomacy.
DURANT

A little inaccuracy contains a world of explanation.
AYRES

If you would know what the Lord God thinks of money, you
have only to look at those to whom he gives it.
BARING

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
DE BEAUVOIR

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
BENNETT

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
CHEKHOV

The cinema is for us the most important instrument of all the arts.
LENIN

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
I haven't had time for tobacco since.
TOSCANINI

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
BILLINGS

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
BRANDEIS

Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
ELIOT

The human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them.
GERROLD

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and
never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
JESSEL

Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
DILLER

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
STEELE

He is a legend in his own mind.

Middle age is when a narrow waste and a broad mind change places.

The mind is like a parachute.  It functions only when open.

Mud thrown is ground lost.

A political war is one in which everyone shoots from the lip.

A procrastinator is someone with a wait problem.

Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
 


X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

 Another file downloaded from:                               NIRVANAnet(tm)

 & the Temple of the Screaming Electron   Jeff Hunter          510-935-5845
 Rat Head                                 Ratsnatcher          510-524-3649
 Burn This Flag                           Zardoz               408-363-9766
 realitycheck                             Poindexter Fortran   415-567-7043
 Lies Unlimited                           Mick Freen           415-583-4102

   Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
       arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
       insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.

  Full access for first-time callers.  We don't want to know who you are,
   where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.

                          "Raw Data for Raw Nerves"

X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X