769 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
769 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
The following was downloaded from Gene Plantz's BBS under
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the name "Cookies.txt". There are approximately 54 pages
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of this stuff....It'll take a while to read all of it....
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======================================================================
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Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
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Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
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Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
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He who hesitates is last.
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Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
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A man's house is his hassle.
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Chaste makes waste.
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An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
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A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
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Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by
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blowing first.
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Neutrinos have bad breadth.
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Programmers get overlaid.
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In case of injury notify your superior immediately
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- He'll kiss it and make it better!
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GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
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Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
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What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
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Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
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Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out,
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BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
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People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
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Friction is a drag.
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Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
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Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
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Biology grows on you.
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Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
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If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
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A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
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Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
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A man's best friend is his dogma.
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A penny saved is ridiculous.
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right
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to tell such LIES!
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No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
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Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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Schizophrenia beats being alone.
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To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
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If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
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Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
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Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
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If it works, Don't fix it.
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Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
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Gravity brings me down.
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When you're up to your hips in alligators,
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You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
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Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
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Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
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While money can't buy happiness,
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it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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It is hard to fly with the eagles
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When you work with the turkeys.
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More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than
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in nuclear power plants.
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Teachers have class.
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Found on a door in the MSU music building:
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This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
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(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
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You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
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Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
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Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
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Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
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Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
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Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
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Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
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Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
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Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
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Neutrinos are into physicists.
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On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
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"Where no man has gone before"
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Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
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Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
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On a clear disk you can seek forever.
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Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
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Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
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Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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Neuroses are red,
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Melancholia's blue.
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I'm schizophrenic,
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What are you?
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Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
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Open it and you remove all doubt.
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Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
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Individualists unite!
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Money is the root of all wealth.
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Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
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The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
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Remember, the fact that you're paranoid
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doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
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Men have many faults,
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Women only two:
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Everything they say,
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And everything they do!
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Teamwork is vital!
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(It gives you someone to blame.)
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Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
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If God had been in favor of homosexuality,
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He never would have created Anita Bryant!
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If everything is coming your way,
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you're in the wrong lane!
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The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
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sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
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Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...
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Managers know it must be good because the programmers
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hate it so much.
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The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
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capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
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The bearing of a child takes nine months,
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no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
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The generation of random numbers is too important
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to be left to chance.
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If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
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must be the process of putting them in.
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Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators.
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Rubber bands have snappy endings!
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Old frogs never die,
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But they do croak!
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COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
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Every time I lose weight,
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It finds me again!
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An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
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It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
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Whom computers would destroy,
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they must first drive insane.
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A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
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Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
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Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
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Clones are people two.
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Microwaves frizz your heir.
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Laetrile is the pits.
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When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
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To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and
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Incommode You".
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Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
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For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
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Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun,
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but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
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We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
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Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
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Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
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Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
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White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
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Polymer physicists are into chains.
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Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
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Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
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On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
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Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
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There's no future in time travel.
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Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
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Take an astronaut to launch.
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Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
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Confucious say too damn much!
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Reality does not exist - yet.
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Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
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Xerox never comes up with anything original.
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Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
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Never leave anything to chance;
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make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
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If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
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Small programs are for small minds.
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Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
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Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
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Things worth having are worth cheating for.
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Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
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If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
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Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
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Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
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It is impossible to make anything foolproof
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because fools are so ingenious.
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A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
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In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
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The problem with any unwritten law is that you
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don't know where to go to erase it.
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Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
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if you don't use your thumbs.
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Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
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if you are all thumbs.
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We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
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Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
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The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined
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several times by example of what it is not.
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APL is a write only language:
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You can write programs in it; but try and read them!
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Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
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If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
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Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
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Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
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A friend in need is a pest indeed.
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Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
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Two is company, three is an orgy.
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Do unto others before they undo you.
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Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
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Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
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The best things in life are for a fee.
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He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
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How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
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Topologists are just plane folks.
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Pilots are just plane folks.
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Carpenters are just plane folks.
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Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
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Musicians are just playin' folks.
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Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
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Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
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You can fool some of the people all of the time,
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and all of the people some of the time,
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but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
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Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
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People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
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Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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Astronauts are out to launch.
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If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons
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really was a nut?
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There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
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No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
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Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
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All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
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money doesn't buy happiness.
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Poverty is the root of all evil.
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If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
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To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
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Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
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Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
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A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
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Smile! Things can only get worse.
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After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
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There are two kinds of people in this world:
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Those that want to BE something,
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and those that want to DO something.
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(There is less competition in the second category.)
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Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
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Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
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Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.
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Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way
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to insure hairy fingers.
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Preventing baldness is simple. Just knot your hair from the inside.
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Even though one keeps his nose to the grindstone, it does not mean
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that he is good for anything besides cutting bread with his nose.
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Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough.
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Old doughnut makers never die,
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they just get tired of the whole business.
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Middle Age:
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Halfway between adolescence and obsolescence!
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If God had intended man to have computers,
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he would have given him 16 fingers.
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All work and no play,
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will make you a manager.
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If we can't fix it - its broken!
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You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
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Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
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Did Mt. St. Helens make Seattle Wash. ?
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186,000 mps: It's not just a good idea -- It's the law.
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Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.
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I'm an influential person - gravitationally speaking.
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If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.
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The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
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The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
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Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
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The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.
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To be born rich is an accident; to die rich is a miracle.
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Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.
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Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster
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than being elected.
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Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
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Prosperity is when your conversation changes
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from car pools to swimming pools.
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In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
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A fool and your money are soon partners.
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Win or lose, you lose.
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||
Lt. Uhura says:"Subspace Communications-
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It's the next best thing to beaming there!"
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Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
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|
||
There are two ways to write error-free programs;
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only the third one works.
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|
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In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm.
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|
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The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
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but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
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A LISP programmer knows the value of everything,
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but the cost of nothing.
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||
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||
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
|
||
|
||
If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan.
|
||
|
||
A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make
|
||
one believe in God.
|
||
|
||
Prolonged contact with computers turns mathematicians into
|
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clerks and vice versa.
|
||
|
||
In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living
|
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definition of the word 'frustration'.
|
||
|
||
We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's
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next-to-last theorem!
|
||
|
||
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its feces are indistinguishable
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from the food it produces.
|
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||
The proof of a system's value is its existence.
|
||
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||
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
|
||
|
||
Editing is a rewording activity.
|
||
|
||
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What's the Latin for office automation?
|
||
|
||
Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.
|
||
|
||
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
|
||
|
||
Epigrams are macros, since they are executed at read time.
|
||
|
||
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
|
||
|
||
Economics is called the dismal science, but that's just
|
||
because most economists are dismal scientists.
|
||
|
||
Crime wouldn't pay, if the government ran it.
|
||
|
||
Streakers repent! Your end is in sight.
|
||
|
||
How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
|
||
When his lips move.
|
||
|
||
We will release no software before its time.
|
||
|
||
Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing!
|
||
|
||
Honesty is next to poverty.
|
||
|
||
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
|
||
|
||
Your karma just ran over my dogma.
|
||
|
||
In GOD we trust -
|
||
all others require a phase review.
|
||
|
||
Disks travel in packs.
|
||
|
||
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
|
||
|
||
Equal bytes for women.
|
||
|
||
Get off your ASCII.
|
||
|
||
Hard where? Soft where?
|
||
|
||
The agony of delete.
|
||
|
||
My computer puts out.
|
||
|
||
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
|
||
|
||
I come unbundled.
|
||
|
||
Your Zip file is open.
|
||
|
||
My components are indiscreet.
|
||
|
||
Air pollution is a mist demeanor.
|
||
|
||
Whatever happened to the good old days
|
||
when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
|
||
|
||
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
|
||
|
||
Remember, even if you win the rat race -
|
||
you're still a rat.
|
||
|
||
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
|
||
|
||
Anarchy is against the law.
|
||
|
||
Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts.
|
||
|
||
Archimedes had no principles!
|
||
|
||
Old soldiers never die -
|
||
young ones do.
|
||
|
||
Pray for the success of atheism.
|
||
|
||
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
|
||
|
||
Spare the rod and spoil the drag race.
|
||
|
||
Condense soup, not books.
|
||
|
||
Philadelphia isn't dull - it just seems so because
|
||
it is next to exciting Camden, NJ.
|
||
|
||
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
|
||
|
||
The reason the government thinks you're just a number
|
||
is because it's just a machine.
|
||
|
||
Chastity is its own punishment.
|
||
|
||
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
|
||
|
||
For those of you who think life is a joke,
|
||
just think of the punchline.
|
||
|
||
Give me librium or give me meth.
|
||
|
||
The only dope worth shooting is Nixon.
|
||
|
||
Save our virgin forests -
|
||
buy a tree a chastity belt.
|
||
|
||
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
|
||
|
||
Hawaii is as American as apple poi.
|
||
|
||
Keep grandmothers off the streets - legalize bingo.
|
||
|
||
These days govt. is a four letter word.
|
||
|
||
Any government that's strong enough to give the people
|
||
everything they want is a government that's strong
|
||
enough to take it away.
|
||
|
||
Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
|
||
|
||
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
|
||
|
||
Boy Hippie: a guy who looks like a Jill and smells like a john.
|
||
|
||
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
|
||
|
||
THINK!
|
||
or THWIM!
|
||
|
||
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
|
||
|
||
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
|
||
|
||
The cost of liberty is less than the price of oppression.
|
||
|
||
Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
|
||
|
||
x n
|
||
Se = f(u)
|
||
|
||
The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods.
|
||
|
||
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
|
||
|
||
Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose
|
||
but your chains.
|
||
|
||
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
|
||
|
||
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
|
||
|
||
All the world's a stage and the people on
|
||
it are poorly rehearsed.
|
||
|
||
A bird in the hand can be messy.
|
||
|
||
Above all else - sky.
|
||
|
||
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
|
||
|
||
Serfs up - Spartacus.
|
||
|
||
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
|
||
|
||
The only difference between an unclear war
|
||
and a nuclear war is the way you use the UN.
|
||
|
||
An American's a person who isn't afraid to
|
||
criticize the President - but is always
|
||
polite to traffic cops.
|
||
|
||
SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards.
|
||
|
||
Stamp out philately.
|
||
|
||
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
|
||
|
||
The person who is all wrapped up in himself is overdressed.
|
||
|
||
The only race worth winning is the human race.
|
||
|
||
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
|
||
|
||
At our last party we were all making Mary,
|
||
then we jumped for Joy!
|
||
|
||
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
|
||
|
||
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at
|
||
the tracks.
|
||
|
||
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
|
||
electrical cord.
|
||
|
||
All's well that ends.
|
||
|
||
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
|
||
and the hours are lost.
|
||
|
||
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
|
||
|
||
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have
|
||
loved a tall.
|
||
|
||
Go Hawaiian: Give your gal a lei.
|
||
|
||
Coed dorms promote campus unrest.
|
||
|
||
Abolish first marriages!
|
||
|
||
He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.
|
||
|
||
Support National Motherhood Week - Make one today!
|
||
|
||
May all your hang-ups be drip-dry.
|
||
|
||
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
|
||
|
||
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
|
||
|
||
Mother Earth is not flat!
|
||
|
||
Hire the morally handicapped.
|
||
|
||
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
|
||
=============================================================
|
||
That's All Folks!
|
||
=============================================================
|
||
====================
|
||
That's All Folks!
|
||
======================================================= |