438 lines
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438 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
Newsgroups: rec.humor
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From: a0peuker@teaching.cs.adelaide.edu.au (Andreas Peukert)
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Subject: Nun jokes (with a difference!)
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Message-ID: <9305240331.AA02189@ermintrude.teaching.cs.adelaide.edu.au>
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Date: 23 May 1993 22:31:06 -0500
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Organization: UTexas Mail-to-News Gateway
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Lines: 429
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The following is a list compiled through the assistance of many people who
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mailed their jokes to me or to humour newsgroups (from where I grabbed 'em).
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I am always welcoming additions to the list, so if anyone has any more,
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don't hesitate to post them or mail them directly to me (latter preferred)
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After my recent post to rec.humor,some more jokes were mailed to me, and I've
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included them....
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By the way, I think that in order to really make this list expand, it should
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be renamed to "Canonical List of Nun, Priest & Rabbi Jokes" or something like
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that, depending on how many religions have been joked about ;-)
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So send jokes! (andhaveaniceday)
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*****************************************************************************
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The Canonical List of Nun-Jokes:
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--------------------------------
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1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
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A: None.
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2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
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A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!
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3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
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A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
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4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
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A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping
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bags for mice.
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5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
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A: A roaming catholic.
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6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
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A: A tran-sister.
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7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
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A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
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8.Q: What's black and white and red and has trouble getting
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through a revolving door?
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A: A nun with a spear through her head!
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Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one
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replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"
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Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
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this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
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Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the
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convent."
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Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic
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to buy 144 of them."
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Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."
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Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried.
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You know this priest a long time already. What would he give
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for committing sodomy?
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Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.
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Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're
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accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
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Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
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Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
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Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
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Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
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Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
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he with his pants down."
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A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says,
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"Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
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She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
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Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start
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raping them.
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The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know
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not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
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A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C.
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As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors
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register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed
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by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the
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visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to
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sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him
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saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"
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It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
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ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
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the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
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said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
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you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
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Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
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says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
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do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
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heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
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holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
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under her breath.
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The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
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have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
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my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
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dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
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"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
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this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
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Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
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have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
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night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
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a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
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water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
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run down her cheeks.
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The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
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The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
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The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
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The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
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frown on her face. She began to speak...
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Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
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99 nuns: Oh, no!
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1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
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Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
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99 nuns: Oh, no!
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1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
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Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
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99 nuns: Oh, no!
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1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
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Mother Superior: And it has been used!
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99 nuns: Oh, no!
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1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
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Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
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1 nun: Oh, No!
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99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
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Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
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first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
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said.
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"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter
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told her.
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Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held
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a man's penis," she replied.
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"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
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Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
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"Why did you push ahead in line?"
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She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
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The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
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After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
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seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
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the church, and in particular, nuns.
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"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
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"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
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"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
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about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
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"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
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"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
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three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
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"I'm sure."
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"Okay."
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Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
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So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
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"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
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Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
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And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
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fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....
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A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked
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there's a knock at the door.
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The nun calls: "Who is it?"
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a voice answers: "A blind man".
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The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in
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the room while she's naked so she lets him in.
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The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:
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"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"
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One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
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by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
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to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
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a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
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"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
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said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
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superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said
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"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the
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fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
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that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
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talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
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a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
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I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
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and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
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goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
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the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
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"I like this fucking place already!"
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A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and
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realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation
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was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
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come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
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After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
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they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
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they discussed their predicament in great depth.
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Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am
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about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on
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earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
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so I can look at you?"
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The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
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then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
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"Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked,
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either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
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With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the
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nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
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legs?"
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The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from
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God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
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"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the
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camel!"
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Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly
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gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
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lights and bells.
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St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer
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a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
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St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the
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garden of Eden?"
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1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
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The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
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gates.
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St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
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2nd nun : "An apple"
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The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
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gates.
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And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
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St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
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After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
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The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
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gates!
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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
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sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
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PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
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imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
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another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
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and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third
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sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his
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curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
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On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
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small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
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steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
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habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your
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signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
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"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
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He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
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The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this
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door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
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a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place
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$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
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hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second
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nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
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pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds
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himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE,
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YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
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Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth
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grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says:
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"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes
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grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"
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"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of
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relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"
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A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver
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she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver
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agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with
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anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem,
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he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have
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to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the
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bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
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When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a
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confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies:
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"Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way
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to a costume party".
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This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the
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convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has
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his way.
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Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy
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Father now, Sister?"
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She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home
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from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped
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me twice, unless you're tired."
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Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business
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next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother
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Superior if she had any dirty habits.
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Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.
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The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one
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didn't touch him.
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There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout
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and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her
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and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like
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this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir.
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I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The
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perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it
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be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother
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superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees
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me this way, she'll be shittin a brick."
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A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent.
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The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as
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the priest walks down the street several prostitutes
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approach and proposition him.
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"Twenty bucks a trick!"
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These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers
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his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent.
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Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the
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Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"
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She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"
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A nun is driving her (well, the convent's) car through some very
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lonely countryside. The car stops and she notices there is no petrol
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left. So she walks to the nearest filling station. But of course, being
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a nun, she is a little unworldly, and so she forgot to take along the
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canister for the petrol. The nice guy at the filling station has no canister
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either. He thinks for a while, then he hands her a chamber-pot full
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of petrol. The nun walks back to her car and starts pouring the
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petrol into the tank. A bypassing car stops, and the driver looks out
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and says:
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"Sister, how I would like to have as much faith as you do!"
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Married To A Nun
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I'm a married man but I have no fun
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'cause I got married to a lady nun
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'nd I can't even dare to say
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what really happen' on the weddin' day
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'nd then I said, I'll fool around
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sneak at night and make no sound
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pay a visit to the lady neighbor
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spend the night 'nd do some labor
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but then she caught me at the door
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'nd banged my ass right to the floor
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'nd now I'm married 'nd I have fun
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just lying idle in the sun
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During a blizzard, a parishinor of a Milwaukee parish was in a bad
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accident near Green Bay. The priest and nun from Milwaukee were
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driving up to the hospital the victim was in, in case last rites (sp?)
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were necessary. As they were driving, the storm got worse and worse.
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Finally they decided they would have to stop for the night because the
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roads were so bad. The only motel they could find was already full of
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stranded travellers. The clerk told the priest "Since you are a priest
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and all, I will give you a room for the night, but I just can't give you
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each a separate room, you will have to make do with two beds in one
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room." The priest thanked him and payed for the room. during the
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night, the power went out, and the heat went out with it. Luckily there
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were a lot of blankets is the closet. After a while, the nun asked,
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father, father, I'm cold--so the priest got another blanket and put it
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on her. After a while longer, she said "father, I'm cold, can you get
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me another blanket," so he did. After a while, she again asked for a
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blanket. This time the priest responded "I think in the situation we
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should pretend to be husband and wife in order to keep warm." The nun
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was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate, but he was the
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priest, so she really couldn't argue. She said "O.K., father, if you are
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sure its proper we can pretend to be husband and wife" to which he responded:
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"SO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"
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A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They
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get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know
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how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered
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to change it for them. They gladly accepted.
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As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.
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"Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled.
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The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that
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you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
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"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this
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time almost mashing his fingers.
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"Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
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"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing
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you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
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"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
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"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset,
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something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
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So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He
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started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus
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help me."
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At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked
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at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
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* "He shot out my eye? Okay, I tear out | Andreas Peukert *
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* my other eye and throw it at him as | Second Year Computer Science *
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* a gesture of defiance." | University of Adelaide *
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*----------------------------------------------------------------------*
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* a0peuker@teaching.cs.adelaide.edu.au *
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* *
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* "Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song" *
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* *
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************************************************************************
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