55 lines
2.9 KiB
Plaintext
55 lines
2.9 KiB
Plaintext
From: ag028@Freenet.carleton.ca (Barbara Hamel)
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Subject: Priest Joke
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Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1993 03:35:27 GMT
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The monsignor of a large and venerable parish was getting on in age, so a
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young priest was assigned to assist him. The new priest was a quiet and
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well organized young man who soon had the parish running smoothly. He
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was just about everything the monsignor had been praying for - with one
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glaring exception. The young lad was painfully shy.
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Being as shy as he was, the young priest couldn't handle a mass by himself
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or even hear confession. The monsignor believed that, in time, he would
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get through this stage provided he wasn't pushed to take on too much all
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at once. Therefore, the monsignor told the young priest to give the sermon
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during the early mass.
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To make a long story shorter, the young man was pitiful. He stammered,
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blushed and dropped his notes. You couldn't hear him at all unless you
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sat in the first two pews. It was clear that just giving the sermon was
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the worst torture this young man could ever be put through.
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The young priest asked the monsignor how he'd done. The monsignor replied,
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"You did just fine. You made some excellent points, and it was clear that
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a lot of planning had gone into your sermon. But, if you don't mind my
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saying so, you seemed a trifle ill at ease up there. It reminded me of
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when I was just starting out. An older priest advised me to fill the water
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carafe with gin and to take a swig whenever I began to feel tense. I did
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that for my first couple of sermons until I got the hang of it. Maybe you
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should try that next week."
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Well, the next week's sermon was entirely different. The young priest
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pounded the pulpit as he preached of hell and eternal damnation. The entire
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congregation was riveted to the edge of their pews as he described the fire
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and brimstone that awaited this sorry lot of sinners. Just when he had
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them all convinced that they were beyond redemption, he spoke softly and
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powerfully of the loving forgiveness of Jesus.
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After the sermon, the young priest weaved over to the monsignor and asked
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how he'd done. The monsignor replied, "Excellent, my son, excellent!
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That had to be one of the all-time greatest sermons I've ever heard, and
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your delivery and timing were masterful. Mind you, there were a few minor
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points that I think we should clear up now; namely,
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1. There were twelve apostles, not ten.
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2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
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3. David slew Goliath - he did not "beat the living shit out of him."
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4. We do not as a rule refer to Our Lord Jesus Christ as "the late and
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great J.C."
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5. Next week there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
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a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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6. We never, under any circumstances, refer to the Holy Trinity of the
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Father, Son and Holy Spirit as "Big Daddy, Junior and Super Spook."
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--
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- Barbara Hamel Ottawa, Canada ag028@freenet.carleton.ca
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