287 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
287 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
More Jokes.....
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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what is the difference between a prostitute and a Kit-Kat?
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you only get four fingers in a Kit-Kat
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what have a prostitute and the Bermuda Triangle got in common ?
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they both swallow seamen
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what is white and moves across the dance floor
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come dancing
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what is white and moves across a palace floor
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kingdom come
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why is piss yellow and come white ?
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so the Irish would know if they were coming or going
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Why don`t the Irish eat pickles
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Because they can not get their heads in the jars
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did you hear about the Irishman who shagged a princess
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He burnt his dick on the exhaust pipe
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a lesbian went to the doctor for a full checkup
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after the examination he said,
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"you are perfectly fine and I must congratulate you as you have the cleanest
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fanny I have ever seen !"
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she replied
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"thank you I have a woman in three times a week"
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A Manchester university student goes to the doctors with a big ugly warty toad
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on his head
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the doctor not noticing the toad asks him "What can I do to help you ?"
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at which the toad replies "get this horrible growth off my arse !"
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Quazimodo grabs Ezmarelda and takes here to the top of his bell tower
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after a long soppy kiss Ezmarelda says "your not bad looking close up, how big
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is your dick ?" (After all she is a gipsy living in the middle ages)
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LOB !! Three foot of flesh hits the floor
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Ezmarelda s eyes are on stalks, "Fucking hell quaz that`s greever had a blow job ?"
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Quaz replies "How do you think I got this Fucking Hump!"
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Josie has just got married and is sat in bed
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Billy her husband has his duck around the door
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"are you scared yet ?" he asks
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"not yet billy"
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Another inch comes round the door
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"are you scared yet ?" he asks
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"not yet Billy" she replies again
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Another inch comes round the door
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Well to cut a long story short this goes on for quite a while untill about nin inches of Billys dick is round the door
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"are you scared yet ?" he asks
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"not yet billy"
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"Well I guess I`m going to have to start coming up the stairs !"
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Three newly wed couples are on honeymoon
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it`s late and they are all going to bed (in three seperate rooms this is not an orgy gang bang joke)
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as the first woman removes her bra her husband comments upon the enormity
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of her tits
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disgusted with him she sends him out in to the corridor
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Meanwhile next door the second whife is sending her husband in to the
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corridor for commenting on the size of her backside
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After about five minutes the third husband comes out on to the landing
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"put your foot in it did you" said the first husband
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"No, but it was big enough !"
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How can you tell if a lesbian club is realy tough ?
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even the pool table hasn`t got any balls
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A farmer`s son wakes up with an erection one day and asks his father what he
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should do with it. "Rub some cow dung on it," said his father. The son walks
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into the cow shed and picks up two handfuls of dung. The milk maid asked him
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what he was doing. "Getting rid of this," he replied looking down at his pyjama
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trousers. "Don`t do that," she said,"Stick it up here." She lifted up her dress
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and pointed. He did... ...both handfulls.
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Did you hear that Snow White was thrown out of Disney World ?
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She was found sitting in Pinnochio`s face screaming,"Lie, you b***ard, lie !!"
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What do you give the man that has everything ?
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Penicillin.
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The scene is Jerusalem. A crowd of people are picking up stones ready to stone a
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young girl found guilty of having sex before marriage. Jesus appears and
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subdues the angry mob. He says,"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone"
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Then an old lady pushes her way to the front, picks up a large stone and brings
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it down on the girl`s head. Jesus turns to the old woman and says...
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"Oh hell, Ma - why do you always have to spoil things ?"
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1st student: When did you hurt your hand?
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2nd " : Coming home from the RAG ball - I was nearly home when some b***ard
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trod on it.
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Female fresher to male fresher:
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My mummy always told me to be good. Was I ?
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Some girls can reverse the process of evolution -
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They make monkeys out of men.
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What do Eskimos and policemen have in common ?
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Blue helmets.
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A nun was thrown out of her convent for doing press-ups in the garden...
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...in the cucumber patch.
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What`s the difference between a hedgehog and a capri ?
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The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.
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The only difference between Salford Uinversity and a lunatic asylum is that in
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an asylum, you have to show some improvement before you leave.
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Cardiff University`s nativity play was cancelled after they couldn`t find three
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wise men and a virgin. But they had countless experts on sheep and wiiling to
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play shepherds.
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I DON`T CARE WHO YOU ARE YOU FAT, RED FREAK. GET THOSE REINDEER OF MY ROOF !!!
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Accounting students do it with interest.
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Drama students do it in stages.
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Fine art students do it on cartridge paper.
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Biology students do it with dead rats.
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Aero Eng students do it with their head in the clouds.
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Politics students do it in parties.
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Psychology students ask why they do it.
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Geology students do it with crushed rocks.
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Maths students do it by numbers.
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Physics students do it relatively well
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Electronics students put up no resistance.
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English students do it by the book.
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B.Ed. students do it with class.
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Language students do it with tongues.
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Law students don`t do it - they just masturbate.
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Reckless homosexuals do it with gay abandon.
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BATH JOKES..
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Bill and Ben in the bath. Bill goes "FLOBBALOBBALOB"
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Ben says "If that smells, I`ll kill you."
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Bill and Ben in the bath. Bill goes "FLOBBALOBBALOB"
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Ben says "If you love me, Bill, you`ll swallow that."
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Boy and girl in the bath.
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Boy :If you don`t stop splashing me, I`ll duck you.
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Girl:No you won`t. You can`t even say it properly.
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Boy and girl in the bath.
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Girl: What is that long thing ?
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Boy : It`s mine.
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Girl: Can I play with it ?
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Boy : No ! You`ve broken yours already.
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-----
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B.Ed on teaching practice: What is the meaning of the word indifferent ?
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Johnny : Marvellous, miss.
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B.Ed : Why do you think that, Johnny ?
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Johnny : On Sunday morning, I went past my parents` room and I heard my Mum say
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"Oooh, that`s marvellous."
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And my Dad said "Yes, it`s in different"
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What`s the funniest thing in the kitchen ?
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The washing machine - it can take the p*** out of your knickers.
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How do you get 10 random numbers ?
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Ask a B.Ed student to count to 6 !!
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Young girl:Mummy, is it true that babies come from the same place that boys put
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their wilies ?
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Mother :Why, yes dear.
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Young girl:Well, when my baby comes, will it knock my teeth out ?
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One morning, Daddy bear came down for breakfast to find his porridge bowl empty.
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He angrily growled,"who`s been eating my porridge?"
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Baby bear came down next and found his porridge bowl empty too. "somebody has
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gobbled up my porridge," he moaned. At this moment, Mummy bear stuck her head
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round the door and said,"You stupiid b****rds, I haven`t made it yet!"
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Why are girls called birds ?
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Because of the worms they pick up.
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Notice in a church: Members of the congregation are reminded that the box in
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the porch marked `For the sick` is for monetary
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contributions only !!
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What do you call a Welsh person with a stick up their bum ?
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A taffy apple.
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A recent family planning conference was well attended bar one notable exception,
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the Vatican representative who had to pull out at the last moment.
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1st man: I shot my dog today.
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2nd man: Was he mad ?
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1st man: Well, he wasn`t very pleased.
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During a coversation, a little lad asked his mum where he came from. Now the
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mother was determined not to feed the child with lies so she took off her dress
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and showed him. "Phew, that was close," gasped the lad,"another inch and I`d
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have been a turd.
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Batman: Robin, i`m afraid I`ve got a girl into trouble.
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Robin : Holy contraceptives, Batman !!
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A man flashes at a girl at a party and says,"Do you know what this is ?"
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"Well,"she replied doubtfully,"it looks like a penis, only smaller."
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What`s red and lies in the gutter?
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A dead bus !!
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If you don`t sleep in lectures, when should you sleep ??
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Two P.E. students saw a cat licking itself. "I wish I could do that," said one.
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"Don`t you think you had better pet it first ?" said the other.
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A man`s beret blew into a cow field - he tried on three before he found the
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right one.
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The train jolted to a halt, a woman asked what was the matter.
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"We`ve hit a cow, madam."
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"Was it on the tracks ?"
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"NO, we had to chase it over a field."
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HERE`S ONE ABOUT ME...
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Dancing is the vertical expression of horizontal intention.
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A SEASONAL ONE...
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Do you know why the fairy sits at the top of the Xmas tree ?
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One year, Santa had one tree left over after giving everybody one, and when
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one of his fairy helpers asked what she should do with it, he told her.
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And that`s why.
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Why do you never get ice in drinks in the union bar ?
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Because the fellow with the recipe emigrated.
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The first sign of madness is talking to yourself.
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Schizophrenia is when you start getting answers.
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What`s the difference between light and hard ?
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You can go to sleep with a light on.
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THE COUNTRY WAS IN A TERRIBLE STATE,
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PARLIAMENT HAD SAT FOR A BUDGET DEBATE,
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IT WAS QUITE A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE THATCHER SPOKE,
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THEN SHE SAID "SEX WILL COST TWO QUID A POKE"
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WHETHER YOU'RE LONG,SHORT,SKINNY OR THICK,
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A TAX WILL BE PAID ON THE USE OF YOUR PRICK,
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THEN TONY BENN SAID "MAGGIE LOOK HERE,
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WILL THE TAX STILL APPLY TO THOSE WHO ARE QUEER?"
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TREASURER LAWSON ROSE AND LOOKED GLUM,
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"WILL I BE EXEMPT 'CAUSE I ONLY LIKE BUM?"
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MAGGIE REPLIED AND SOUNDED QUITE AIRY,
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"YOU WILL PAY DOUBLE YOU DIRTY OLD FAIRY!"
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UP ROSE DAVID STEEL,TO TREMENDOUS APPLAUSE,
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HE GRABBED HOLD OF SHIRLEY AND WHIPPED OFF HER DRAWERS,
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HE STRADDLED ACROSS HER AND FUCKED HER AT WILL,
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THEN SHOUTED AT MAGGIE "PUT THAT ON YOUR BILL!"
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MICHAEL FOOT THEN SHOUTED "I THINK I'LL RESIGN,
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I HAVE NOT HAD SEX FOR A VERY LONG TIME,
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I DREAM EVERY NIGHT OF A BIG JUICY CRUTCH,
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BUT TWO QUID A TIME IS A BIT FUCKING MUCH"
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THE DEBATE CARRIED ON,OH WHAT A SIGHT
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KINNOCK SAT WANKING THE WHOLE OF THE NIGHT,
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M.P.'S WERE COMING, THE SPEAKER WAS LAST,
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AND IN THE EXCITEMENT THE DAMN BILL WAS PASSED.
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SO NOW IN THE BEDROOMS OF BRITAIN EACH NIGHT,
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THERE'S MANY A FANNY THAT'S CLOSED GOOD AND TIGHT.
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THEY'RE TAXING OUR BOOZE,THEY'RE TAXING OUR SMOKES,
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AND NOW THE BASTARDS ARE TAXING OUR POKES.
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IF TWO QUID A GRIND IS THE PRICE YOU MUST PAY,
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IT'S NOW WITH OURSELVES WE MUST SIT DOWN AND PLAY.
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SO TO QUENCH OUR FRUSTRATIONS WE MUST HAVE A WANK,
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FOR THE STATE OF THE NATION WE HAVE THATCHER TO THANK.
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